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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Voters across the nation found themselves with a serious decision to make this November, as the Border Czar responsible for allowing 11 million illegal immigrants to enter the country demanded a promotion.

After presiding over a record number of undocumented migrants flooding across the southern U.S. border, Vice President Kamala Harris cited the accomplishment as a prime reason why the American people should put her in charge of the entire country.

"I think my resume speaks for itself," Harris told reporters. "I've done things at the border that no one in history ever came close to doing. The vast hordes of migrants. The spike in human trafficking. Unprecedented business for the drug cartels. Murders. Rapes. We've accomplished a lot in my time as Border Czar, and I can do the same thing for our entire nation. And don't forget about that bail bond thingy that released thousands and thousands of violent criminals back out into our streets so they could commit even more violent acts against our citizens. I think I deserve the promotion, America! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

When asked for comment on Harris's demand for a promotion, voters were unsure. "She says things in a way that sound like she might be intelligent," said concerned citizen David Cathcart. "But when I try to break in down.....not particularly compelling, but interesting nonetheless. While it is undeniably true that she has set some historic numbers at the border that will probably never be equaled, I'm not sure that's exactly what we're going for. I wanna see what social media says before I commit."


At publishing time, Harris had gone on to explain that if her work as Border Czar wasn't enough to earn the promotion, perhaps her speech equating I.C.E. with the KKK or her promise to ban ALL fracking and drilling for oil in American might be enough to do the trick.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Vice President's campaign for president received a highly sought-after boost this week, as former President Barack Obama reluctantly endorsed Kamala Harris after butt-dialing her.

The unintentional endorsement occurred yesterday while Obama was reportedly sitting down to enjoy some chips and salsa and inadvertently called the vice president. A source close to Obama confirmed that the former president improvised the endorsement as a way to cover the embarrassing butt dial.

"Ah, shoot, I accidentally called Kamala," Obama was heard whispering as he pulled his phone out of the pocket of his slacks. "What do I say now? How am I going to play this off? I don't know what to — Hey, there, Kamala! How are you? Barack and Michelle here!"

Insiders disclosed that Obama's cover for the butt dial was successful, with Harris coming away from the conversation proudly boasting about having the former president's blessing. "She was thrilled," said one source. "She was giggling uncontrollably and smiling from ear to ear like she was hopped up on something. Then again, I guess she's pretty much always like that, but still, you could tell she was relieved to have Obama's endorsement."

Sources within the Obama camp refused to comment on whether or not he would have endorsed Harris at some point anyway, conceding that his selection of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State was also done by accident. "Sometimes things just work out," one insider said. "He's had a pretty good track record with his butt dials."

At publishing time, Obama was reportedly stuck making small talk with Joe Biden after yet another accidental butt dial.

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