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Democrats Begin Chugging Artificial Food Dyes To Protest RFK

The civil disobedience served to underscore the displeasure of citizens on the Left for what they described as oppressive fascism that would deprive them of their right to develop severe hormonal, autoimmune, and reproductive side effects, as well as put themselves at increased risk for various cancers.

“You have no right to take away our Red 40!” shouted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as she drank a concentrated form of the dangerous artificial food dye straight from a jug. “If it’s good enough for Doritos and Lucky Charms, then it’s good enough for me. Poisoning our population is part of the fabric of America, and we will not stand idly by and let RFK save us from a laundry list of health issues. Pass me another jug so we can pass it around to the kids at Drag Queen Story Hour!”

Other prominent Democrats voiced strong support for the processed food industry, believing in Americans’ right to choose. “Who is RFK to tell us what we can put into our bodies?” asked an angry Elizabeth Warren after bathing in a vat of Yellow 5. “My food, my choice! Inject it straight into my veins. Like my tribal ancestors, I will fight to the bitter end to preserve my freedom, and the freedom of all Americans, to ingest harmful chemicals on a daily basis. Now hand me that key. I think I see a Tesla!”

At publishing time, Democrats and Planned Parenthood had rallied their voters behind the idea that the adverse side effects of artificial food dyes served a vital role in reducing the population.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.

Dalai Lama Quietly Cancels Scheduled Meeting With JD Vance

DHARAMSHALA — After the sad news broke that Pope Francis had passed away just hours after meeting the U.S. Vice President, the Dalai Lama quietly canceled his scheduled meeting with JD Vance.

Though the Dalai Lama's representatives said publicly that the timing of the cancellation was just a coincidence, sources close to the religious leader privately disclosed that the revered Tibetan Buddhist figure simply did not want to die.

"His Holiness the Dalai Lama realized he was double-booked," said a spokesmonk. "He was looking forward to meeting Vice President Vance and hopes to do so someday, but he forgot that he was supposed to go to that one place and meet someone and talk about something. It's important and has nothing to do with today's unfortunate news about Pope Francis."

Vice President Vance's office confirmed the cancellation and expressed optimism that the meeting could be rescheduled. The Dalai Lama's representatives said they would totally get back to them.

"Oh, yeah, definitely," the spokesmonk continued. "His Holiness the Dalai Lama will absolutely meet him at some point and is in no way fearing for his life. That would be silly. I mean, it's not as if it freaked us all out that the pope died just hours after meeting him. That didn't even enter our minds. It's just a scheduling conflict. His Holiness just needs to wash his hair that day. Here's hoping they can eventually meet after His Holiness has lived for many, many more years. Please don't tell Vice President Vance where we are, thank you."

At publishing time, President Trump had made an urgent request to have Vice President Vance meet with Nancy Pelosi as soon as possible.

Easter Bunny Dead After Meeting With JD Vance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Inside sources confirmed the grim news this morning that the Easter Bunny was found dead yesterday, having passed away only days after having a scheduled meeting with Vice President JD Vance.

The Easter Bunny's chief of staff revealed that the beloved holiday mascot had passed away at some point during the night after finishing his meeting with Vance, leaving his inner circle devastated and billions of fans in mourning around the globe.

"He seemed so happy after the meeting, we don't know what happened," said Stacy Hasenpfeffer, a spokeswoman for the Easter Bunny's office. "We had the meeting with Vice President Vance on the books for months. We knew he had just met with the Pope, but we didn't think anything of it. Then, this morning… we discovered that the Easter Bunny had hidden his last egg. May he rest in peace."

The vice president's office quickly denied any connection between the meeting and the Easter Bunny's passing. "These wild theories are out of control," said Vance's Press Secretary Taylor Van Kirk. "First with Pope Francis, now with the Easter Bunny. It's irresponsible for the media to spin these narratives that Vice President Vance would have anything to do with their deaths. If anyone wants to continue to raise suspicions, I'll be happy to schedule a one-on-one meeting between them and the Vice President. Got it?"

At publishing time, the Trump administration had publicly offered its condolences to the Easter Bunny's wife and their 7,438 children.

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