Collaborative 13 episode mockumentary on the history of Sim League Basketball. Created with assistance from benhoidal, dBKC, robusk, copernicus, quaker128, bds9992, dh555, ashamael, longtallbrad, jhsukow, pexetera


Trailers


TV SPOT 1

[0:00-0:10]
Series of video clips of Hassan Whiteside highlights.
Narrator: "What if I told you that there is a universe in which Hassan Whiteside will go down as one of the greatest big men of all time?"

[0:10-0:12]
Stephen A. Smith: “I’m going to try to keep my composure”

[0:12-0:22]
Series of video clips of JaVale McGee bloopers.
Narrator: "What if I told you that there is a world in which JaVale McGee is considered more valuable than Bill Russell?"

[0:22-0:24]
Stephen A. Smith: “WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING SO BLASPHEMOUS?”

[0:24-0:34]
Series of video clips of Kobe making the most difficult shots imaginable.
Narrator: "What if I told you, that in the latest all-time draft, Kobe Bryant went undrafted?”

[0:34-0:36]
Stephen A. Smith: “APOLOGIZE FOR THAT!”

[0:36-0:46]
Series of video clips of DeAndre Jordan and Rudy Gobert Highlights.
Narrator: “What if I told you, that DeAndre Jordan and Rudy Gobert were top 20 players of all-time?”

[0:46-0:48]
Stephen A. Smith: “THESE MEN ARE BONAFIDE SCRUBS! THEY CAN’T PLAY!”

[0:48-0:58]
Series of basketball images flash into and out of the screen followed by 30 for 30 logo.
Narrator: “What if I told you, about WhatIF Sports?”

[0:58-1:00]
Stephen A. Smith (slaps desk): “GO TO BREAK.”



TV SPOT 2

[0:00-0:10]
Shot opens on a computer screen, hands typing feverishly... camera zooms in until the computer screen takes up the whole image. Different images fill up the screen including box scores, an algorithm being run, names of NBA Legends are highlighted, players like Charles Barkley and Karl Malone are holding trophies they never won in real life.
Narrator: “What if I told you, about a website for simulated sports whose history is more fascinating than the real thing?

[0:10-0:12]
Bill Simmons: “What’s a simulated sport?”

[0:12-0:22]
Series of doctored video clips of NBA Legends playing against current NBA superstars.
Narrator: What if I told you, that you could match current players and teams against players and teams from the past?”

[0:22-0:24]
Bill Simmons: “Are there Boston Players?”

[0:24-0:34]
Series of highlights from the following players.
Narrator: “What if I told you, that you can team up Magic and Bird, draft LeBron James, pit Stockton against Malone?”

[0:34-0:36]
Camera catches Bill Simmons give exaggerated fist pump, Simmons realizes he’s on camera, “Oops.”

[0:36-0:46]
The following images appear on the screen: LeBron and MJ, face to face, glaring at each other, Wilt playing against Russell, Magic playing Bird, the ’96 Bulls holding a trophy across from the 16-17 Warriors.
Narrator: “What if I told you, that there was a way to settle all barbershop debates?”

[0:46-0:48]
Bill Simmons: “WOAH!”

[0:48-0:58]
Series of basketball images flash into and out of the screen followed by 30 for 30 logo.
Narrator: “What if I told you, about WhatIF Sports?”

[0:58-1:00]
Bill Simmons: “Are we sure MJ is good?”



TV SPOT 3

[0:00-0:10]
Video clip of Donyell Marshall smoking a victory cigar in his trophy room. A quick transition of the crying Jordan meme crossfades to Elton Brand holding up the Larry O’Brien trophy.
Narrator: "What if I told you that there is a universe in which Elton Brand goes down as one of the best small forwards of all time?"

[0:10-0:12]
Stephen A. Smith: “STAY OFF the WEEEEDDDDDDDDUHH”

[0:12-0:22]
A short clip of fans booing when Allen Iverson is drafted, followed by a quick compilation of him bricking layups.
Narrator: “a world where Jon Barry is more valuable than Allen Iverson?”
Cut to a press conference with Iverson at the mic: “We talkin about EFFICIENCY?!?, We ain’t talkin about buckets. We talkin about EFFICIENCY?!?”

[0:22-0:24]
Charles Barkley: “BASKETBALL ISN’T PLAYED ON PAPER. THAT’S FOR DUMB NERDS!”

[0:24-0:30]
Series of video clips of Charles Barkley leading THE TURRIBLE TURRIBLE TEMPERS and the Ashlanta Mustangs to the DH52 title and ODL titles.
Charles Barkley: “You know, I’ve always been a fan of WhatIFSports.com”

[0:31-0:33]
Narrator: “what if I told you that there was a world where Kobe was a G-Leaguer?”

[0:34-0:42]
A video of Shaq rapping on stage at a Corey Gunz concert.
Shaq: “I get rings, where are you on draft day??//Yo Kobe: Tell me how my @$$ tastes!”

[0:42-0:46]
Series of video clips of Steve Nash dunks
Narrator: “What if I told you, that everything you knew about basketball was a lie?”

[0:46-0:48]
Stephen A. Smith: “WHAT?! WHAT!?! TH- THAT IS BLASPHEMOUS!”

[0:48-0:58]
Series of images of Jamario Moon and Joel Przybilla flash into and out of the screen followed by 30 for 30 logo.
Narrator: “What if I told you, about WhatIF Sports?”

[0:58-1:00]
Brian Windhorst (holding up a 3x5 notecard with NBA stats on one side and division of assets on the back): “My wife left me.”



TV SPOT 4

[0:00-0:10]
Video clips of Dwight Howard hitting game winning contested fadeaways play, followed by a clip of Charlie Ward disrespectfully stepping over Kobe Bryant (like AI did to Lue).
Narrator: "What if I told you that there is a universe in which Charlie Ward is a top 15 Point Guard of all time? A world in which Kobe isn’t that good...”

[0:10-0:12]
Bill Simmons: “Are the Celtics still good?”

[0:12-0:22]
A compilation plays of Nikola Vucevic posterizing Bill Russell. Bill Simmons stares in disbelief while watching on an iPad.

[0:23-0:30]
Narrator: “A world where unsung players finally get their due”
A series of clips show Kevon Looney throwing Bill Laimbeer around like a rag doll.
Charles Barkley: “THAT’S JUST TURRIBLE”

[0:30-0:37]
Narrator: “A world where any player could become a star...”
A clip plays of Adam Silver at the podium announcing “With the 49th pick of the ODL draft, Redbooda selects....BOB RULE”
Narrator: “Well...almost anyone.”
https://i.imgur.com/Pw1IGrV.jpg

[0:38-0:42]
Narrator: “Classic barbershop debates get answered. WhatIF the Thunder never traded James Harden?”
A set of clips play showing Westbrook and Harden in Thunder uniforms taking turns throwing the ball out of bounds for no reason.

[0:43-0:50]
Skip Bayless: “I’m sorry, I know this is a controversial opinion, but Jose Calderon is NOT better than Isiah Thomas”
Steven A Smith: “You make me sick sometimes. Please. PLEASE. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Jose Calderon is a legend. Isiah Thomas is a BONAFIDE SCRUB”

[0:53-0:56]
Series of images of Rodrigue Beaubois and Cole Aldrich flash into and out of the screen followed by 30 for 30 logo.
Narrator: “What if I told you, about WhatIF Sports?”

[0:56-1:00]
Video of Carmelo Anthony hitting a midrange 2-pointer
Marv Albert: “PAUL GEORGE WITH THE THREE!”



TV SPOT 5

[0:00-0:10]
Images of historic NBA Draft moments flood the screen.
Narrator: “What if I told you, that the greatest NBA draft wasn’t held by the NBA?”

[0:10-0:12]
Rachel Nichols: “Draft night is all about, ‘What is possible?’”

[0:12-0:22]
Various clips of NBA rookies shaking hands with a figure with Adam Silver’s body and the characters dh555 written where his head should be in big block letters. The last clip is of Brad Daugherty crying in the green room.
Narrator: “What if I told you, that the draft lasted 15 days?”

[0:22-0:24]
Camera pans to Brian Windhorst sweating profusely. He is speechless.

[0:24-0:34]
Series of highlights of LeBron James, Wilt Chamberlain, and Steph Curry.
Narrator: What if I told you, that three players were so good, they were banned from the league?”

[0:34-0:36]
Skip Bayless: “LeBron is not a top five player in this league. He’s no Michael Jordan.”

[0:36-0:44]
Series of black and white clips of talking heads screaming at each other.
Narrator: “What if I told you, that this draft led to more owner commentary, more player arguments, more failed expectations than ever before?

[0:44-0:50]
Colin Cowherd: “Larry Bird is faster than Kevin Durant, quicker than Durant, and can jump higher. There is no argument for Durant over Bird. Larry Bird is the number one small forward. It’s all over. Couldn’t bench a buck-85.”

[0:50-0:58]
Images flood the screen of different WIS owners in the draft room, typing feverishly and scribbling on yellow legal pads, followed by 30 for 30 logo.
Narrator: “What if I told you, about the first Savage Draft?”

[0:58-1:00]
Bill Simmons: “That pick was the biggest boner I’ve ever seen!”

Episode 1: Beginnings

Shot opens on a computer screen, hands typing feverishly... camera zooms in until the computer screen takes up the whole image. Different video clips and images flash into and out of the screen:

Michael Jordan looking incredulously at an iPad, paparazzi style footage of Scott getting out of a 1998 Ford Explorer and refusing to talk to the reporter on his way into the building, (camera on Troy Murphy's perplexed face): "So wait, I was really... good?”, animated spider-man pointing meme with John Stockton’s face surrounded by about 50 Dennis Rodman’s holding calculators, a State Farm Logo, a gym with more banners than you can count and barbwire inside the three point lines, (video clip of a female sports anchor): "Next on First Take... Are DeAndre Jordan and Rudy Gobert top 20 players of all time? Which one are you starting a franchise with?", Kobe (RIP) shaking his head in disbelief, Michael Smith and Jamario Moon practicing rebounding drills against each other in a driveway… Images fade away into 30 for 30 logo with short opening credit scene.

Voiceover: “What if I told you that in 1999 a group of sports enthusiast computer programmers from Cincinnati, Ohio got together and decided to build a website...? What if I told you about ‘WHAT IF SPORTS’?”



Opening scene (camera on bosoxbill/Bill Simmons): "So my buddy Gus tells me about this website for simulated sports games, right? and I'm all like, 'What's a website'? 'What's a simulated sport? 'Are there Boston players?'" Simmons gives what he thinks is a charming shrug. “As soon as I found out that I could create a team with all of my favorite Celtics players from the 70's and 80's, then see their box scores every game, I was hooked. When I started working for Jimmy Kimmel's show, I got half the staff hooked on it. Even wrote a magazine column about it once - it's very addictive when you get into it. I still remember my friend Hench logging onto the concierge's computer to double team Oscar Robertson on the night before the Super Bowl in San Diego. I've always been a borderline stat geek. It seemed like the only teams that were winning started Oscar Robertson, Fat Lever, Dennis Rodman, Wilt or Russell... it was the same guy on every team. Then they changed the engine and it became too confusing to me. But I used to have this one team with per-minute guys - Bernard King, Roy Tarpley, John Stockton, John Lucas, John Drew, Travis Grant, etc. - and I must have lost in heartbreaking fashion in the playoffs like five different times. And always to those teams with Oscar-Lever-Rodman-Russell. Drove me crazy. I also had an All-Druggie Team that was pretty funny.”

Narrator: “What is your greatest WIS moment?”:

Simmons: “Winning my first title!” (Gives dainty fist pump) “I had lost two Game 7's in the finals and just assumed that the Celtics’ bad luck over the last two decades had transferred over to WIS. I was really excited - it was like conquering "Grand Theft Auto" or winning the MaddenBowl, multiplied by 10. After we read the play-by-play together, a euphoric Hench poured sparkling water on my head. The weird thing is, I can't even remember who was on the team. Now I'm trying to win a championship with an all-Celtics team, but it's impossible - I think there's a bug in the engine that defaults to an automatic playoff loss when the Celtics are involved. I've just about given up - I can't stomach another season losing to Fat Lever.”

Camera fades and we go to a grainy picture of a college aged student in a Dayton Flyers hoodie.

Voiceover: “This is Tarek Kamil, founder of WhatIFSports. Kamil launched WhatIfSports.com in February 2000 as a way for "geeky" sports fans to match up historical college basketball teams. Since then the site has expanded to allow users to match up players and teams from professional and collegiate sports, join historical Sim Leagues and even become the head coach of a college dynasty.”

Video clip of older Kamil: "If you simulate the 1999 NBA Finals 100 times, San Antionio is not going to beat the Knicks in 5 games all 100 times by an average of 5 points per game; some of the series will have games that go to overtime and be very close. Other times, the Knicks will win," says Tarek Kamil, WhatIfSports.com's founder. "There is a probability of any event happening. Let's say Tim Duncan is called for a charge in the first half and picks up his third foul. That event triggers a whole series of events, such as his backup entering the game and replacing him."

Screenshots of box scores and league standings, league leaders, play-by-plays, and coaches offices start appearing on the screen.

Narrator: “WhatIfSports.com's statistics are based on players' completed seasons, which along with other pertinent game information (venue, experience, team momentum) is plugged into WhatIf's iSimNow computer technology. A complex algorithm then simulates the game (a play-by-play is available for each contest) and delivers the results, which will be different every time even if the same game is played.”

When the words complex algorithm is mentioned, laughter can be heard coming from off-screen.

Narrator: This is the unabridged history of Sim League Basketball.



Episode in progress...

Epidsode 2: The Ballad of Sable and the Monkee

Episode 3: Advanced Stats Revolution

Episode 4: Open League Heroes

Episode 5: ashamael The Great / The Forsaken

Episode 6: Think Easier, Think Progressive

Episode 7: The Sim Devil
-

[0:00-0:12]

The camera opens on an empty gym, with a lone light on. Silhouetted in the shadows are an endless stream of championship banners disappearing into the darkness.

Narrator: "What if I told you, that every story needs a villain?”

We zoom in on one of the banners and can make out the name of the champion: benhoidal.

-

[0:12-0:20]

Behind the banner, a light turns on in an office in the background. We see a silhouette of man alone at his computer. You can just barely see the points of what might be two horns sticking out on top of his head.

Narrator: "What if I told you, about the most divisive owner in SimLeague basketball?”
-

[0:20-0:40]

A sequence of different owner talking heads plays.

bds9992: “The Champ of Champs. The GOAT of GOATS.”

ashamael: “ben’s like that kid in gym class who always wins the suicides, but never touches the lines.”

dBKC: “I don’t know how he does it.”

jpevans31: “I don’t get why you guys think he’s good. I’m as good as he is.”

jjmurphy1127: “Ben is the best at this game. No one is even close.”

Narrator: "What if I told you, about the Sim Devil?”

-

[0:40-1:00]

Image fades into 30-for-30 logo. An animated devil is dancing on top of it. Short opening credits sequence plays.
-
-
-
... In progress

Episode 11: Let’s Get SAVAGE Part 1 - The Draft

[0:00-0:10]
Episode opens up to the crowd cheering at Barclays Center in Brooklyn as commissioner Adam Silver walks to the podium. David Stern enters stage left and the crowd boos.

[0:10-0:15]
Fade to a studio where Rachel Nichols, Zach Lowe, Brian Windhorst, and Kendrick Perkins sit around a table.
Rachel Nichols: “Draft night is all about, “What is possible?”

[0:15-0:30]
Series of clips show highlights of various players: Shaquille O’Neal throwing down a thunderous dunk, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with a sky hook, Michael Jordan showing off his incredible layup package. Dwight Howard blocking a shot 30 feet into the crowd, Karl Malone running the fast break, Kevin Durant with the hesi-pull-up-jimbo.

Voice-over: “What if I told you, that the greatest NBA draft wasn’t held by the NBA?”

[0:30-0:40]
Adam Silver steps up to the podium. Crowd is cheering. Silver has a slight smile on his face. A logo very similar to the Philadelphia 76’ers logo, except with a 555 instead of the 76, is showing on a video screen behind him.
Adam Silver: “With the first pick, in the 1^st ever SAVAGE draft, (pause for effect), dh555 selects...”

[0:40-1:00]
Image fades into 30-for-30 logo and short opening credits sequence plays.

[1:00-2:15]
Camera opens up to the crowd cheering wildly at Barclays Center. Gradually the camera backs up and the lens widens to see the entirety of the scene. We pass over multiple TV booths set up. For the first time ever, the NBA has allowed multiple media companies to attend the draft live. We first see the ESPN table where Bill Simmons and Jalen Rose seem to be laughing at something Magic Johnson just said. Behind them is a television screen featuring the ESPN studio with Rachel Nichols, Zach Lowe, Brian Windhorst, and Kendrick Perkins. Another television goes live to Colin Cowherd and Michelle Beadle in their studio. Beside the televisions, Doris Burke, Marv Albert and Bill Walton are putting in their earpieces and getting ready to interview the draftees. To the right of the table is the TNT crew, Chuck, Shaq, Kenny, and Ernie. Kenny is overheard saying, “You know, I could’ve been in this draft as a player too, but I’m scared of being cloned” as Chuck and Shaq catch each others’ eye and burst out laughing. To the left of the first table is a booth where Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless appear to be shouting at each other as a bewildered Sage Steele helplessly looks on. On the bottom right of our screen, we see a snapshot into the parking lot where Nate Duncan, Danny Larue, and special guest Ben Taylor are setting up to record a live podcast from their Honda Civic. Behind the First Take booth is a door and a hand reaches out from under the camera to open it.

Narrator: “Thanks to groundbreaking 1999 technology, every player in NBA history is available in one draft, every legendary player in their absolute prime. The tournament will consist of 5 seasons, which will all be played at once by using 5G technology, despite protests from Kyrie Irving. The NBA world is buzzing with speculation and debate. The world will finally know the answer to countless barbershop debates, thanks to: THE SAVAGE DRAFT!”

[2:15-4:20]
We enter an enormous green room with more players than we can count.

Paul Arizin marvels at all of the bigger and stronger players, jaw dropped.
Michael Jordan is throwing quarters with his bodyguard. MJ turns to the camera and says “I’ll bet on anything. I tried to see who wanted to bet me that I wouldn’t go number one overall….no takers” as he smugly grins at the camera.
Paul Pierce is seen asking where the bathroom is.

In a sea of colorful draft day suits, one suit stands out above the rest. Craig Sager. He’s holding a microphone and asking a young Brad Daughtrey his thoughts on the tournament: “I feel good. My agent thinks I could be a 4th round pick. A little nervous that I might slip to the 5th round but hey, that just means I’ll have better teammates, right?”
Even the reporters have reverted to their physical prime as well, as James Harden seems to have noticed as he tries to “draw contact” with a young Doris Burke.
Shaq is spotted filming a commercial in the corner: “IcyHot: find us in CVS or read about us in the forum banner ads.”

Dozens of players are still working their way into the green room, all hounded by ravenous fans in the hallways.
A young woman stops J.R. Smith to ask for an autograph. He asks if she’s trying to get the pipe.
An inconspicuous John Stockton walks by the fans unnoticed.
Gilbert Arenas is being questioned by security at a metal detector.
Allen Iverson is seen arguing with security about how he should be on the list. “I can dribble a football!”

LeBron seems distracted as his mother talks to his former teammate Delonte West in the corner. Lance Stephenson is whispering something in his ear.

Ahmad Rashad asks a general question to the green room: “We’re doing a contest. Who wants to be considered for our ‘best dressed’ segment?”
Dennis Rodman speaks up: “Wait a minute. I’m the only one in a dress.”

Michael Beasley is sitting next to Anthony Tolliver, caressing his knee.
Patrick Ewing is sweating profusely, although he doesn’t seem to be nervous.
Tim Duncan is patiently waiting for the event to commence, wearing a Dockers button up, high-waisted Wrangler jeans, and a crisp white pair of Steph Curry 2s.
Paul Pierce is now in a wheelchair.

The camera pans to a restaurant at the back of the green room.
Steph Curry is seen flippin’ burgers with a big hat on his head.
Russell Westbrook is snickering to himself at the cupcake window display.
Kevin Garnett is eating a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.
Giannis is at the table next to him, a plethora of finished smoothie cups are strewn over the floor.
Jason Kidd drops his drink for no apparent reason.
A group of janitors enters to clean up the spill.
Wilt says to them: “Hey! Richie! Bob! Rudy! How you guys been?”
Hassan Whiteside asks “Yo Wilt, you know these guys?”
Wilt replies “yeah we go back a ways - I used to play against them”

The camera follows Craig Sager as he makes his way from the green room to the war room. Bill Walton is seen staring in awe at Sager’s suit, as he puts a pill bottle back in his pocket. “Whoa.”


[4:20-6:00]
Narrator: “The league has 24 teams. Each team has a veteran owner who doubles as the GM and coach. And each owner is every bit as quirky and unique as the players they are vying over.”

We enter to a scene of 24 owners in a large draft room. Each owner has their own desk and they are all lined up in draft order with dh555 at the desk nearest the camera and benhoidal on the far end of the room. Yellow legal pads and notecards are flying everywhere. There is a huge television screen in the front of the room broadcasting the draft live. The camera pans over all the owners, lingering on a few. dh555 is sitting behind his desk in full Philadelphia 555 gear, whiskey glass full and holding two phones as he fields calls for the first pick. We hear him say, “No Ben, I won’t trade you the first pick, sorry...I KNOW that before the lotto I said that it’s a balanced draft and that any spot can win, but that doesn’t mean I have to trade th- look I have to go.” The next desk has a name plate with five or six names crossed out, replaced by the name copernicus scribbled in black marker. kinoa1 is sitting on his chair, feet up on his desk, relaxed as can be. No note cards, no prep visible of any kind. We pan over to pexetera who has a long list of available players on his desk with all the three point shooters crossed out. Next to him is dBKC with a mountain of notecards splayed in every direction. He is frantically scribbling something down on the next card. It appears to be lyrics? A little further down the line is robusk, who somehow has managed to bring 9 computers to the owner room. He is dressed like Neo from the Matrix and as the camera zooms in on his setup, we see different algorithms running up and down each computer in green. The camera widens and next we see mptrey who keeps shaking his head and muttering to himself. The camera pans to seapilots, who has decided to give up his spot at the war room to longtallbrad who looks sleepy. At the very end of the row we see ashamael and benhoidal. Somehow we know there is a little tension between the two even though we don’t know why or even how we know. Ash is dusting off his old notes that haven’t been used in years. “I taught them everything they know...but it’s not everything I know…” Ben is in full new dad mode with a brand new beard and a look on his face that says he hasn’t slept in weeks. He has just hung up his phone and next to it we see pages upon pages of lists written in chicken scratch. He catches the camera on him and winks.


[6:00-7:50]
The camera pans to the front of the room and starts zooming in on the television screen where we can see Sage Steele, Skip Bayless, and Stephen A. Smith. The television screen fills our image until we are inside the Barclays Center and at the table with them.

Sage Steele: “Skip, how do you feel about the rule banning the three top players in this format, LeBron James, Wilt Chamberlain, and Steph Curry?”

Skip slowly shakes his head: “LeBron is not a top five player in this league. He’s no Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan should be banned”

Sage Steele: “Some are saying that LeBron, not Michael Jordan, is the best player of all-time. Ste…”

Stephen A. Smith: “DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT LEBRON EVER BEING BETTER THAN MJ… EVER!!!”

We overhear Bill Simmons from the next table over and the camera moves along.
Bill Simmons: “I just don’t understand why Bill Russell isn’t banned in this draft, yet Wilt is. Bill beat him every time. My dad would have him at this spot. He’s the second best player ever!”

Magic Johnson: “I don’t know why Steph Curry is banned and not me, but I’m glad. I already lost 5 years off my career. I don’t need to lose another 5!”

Jalen Rose: “You got to give the peopllllllllleeeeee, give the peoplllleee what they waaaaaant. And the people wanted those three banned. Would I have done it? Probably not. Those aren’t the three best players ever, but it looks like a couple of them were champaigning and campaigning to get on that list so they didn’t have to play, and I can’t hate on that.”

Bill Simmons: “But how do we even know Wilt would be good today? In his era he was playing against a bunch of milkmen, I want him out there. I want to see if he could still be good against the tops centers of today like...“

Jalen Rose: “Who? PJ Tucker?”

Next we are over at the TNT table and Barkley is giving his analysis.
Charles Barkley: “I pick Allen Iverson with the number one pick!”

Ernie Johnson: “Charles, you don’t actually have the number one pick. I’m asking who you would pick.”

Charles Barkley: “I told you, I picked Allen Iverson! It’s a big man’s league, you gotta get a point guard!”

At the bottom of the screen, there is a tracker that is scrolling through various tweets:
24kpyrite: I had a nightmare last night I got the #1 pick and chose the wrong guy.
Shea Serrano: FDTAAWSWH. If you know, you know.
bds9992: I haven’t been this excited in a long time!
Adrian Wojnarowski: The Philadelphia 555’ers will be taking Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the 1st pick.
jhsukow: To me, having the 15th pick (the worst pick?) feels good. Nice to have a built in excuse.
Zach Lowe: Two guys I can see going number 1 here.

Charles Barkley: “So explain to me how this is fair and how the teams picking later are supposed to have a chance over the guys picking Kareem and Jordan and you know, me.”

Ernie Johnson: “Well it’s a Snake draft, Charles”

Charles Barkley: “What’s that mean? Kevin Durant is going #1?”

[7:50-9:40]
Right then, there is a huge roar of applause and the camera swivels to the stage where we see Adam Silver walking to the podium. A logo very similar to the Philadelphia 76’ers logo, except with a 555 instead of the 76, is showing on a video screen behind him.
Off screen we hear Bill Simmons: “Here we go!”

Adam Silver: “With the first pick, in the 1^st ever SAVAGE draft, (pause for effect), dh555 selects… Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.”

Kareem walks across the stage to shake hands with Adam Silver. The camera pans through the crowd, focusing on a very happy and toothy Jack Nicholson.

Twitter tracker at the bottom of the screen:
Shams Charnia: Sources tell me that Kareem’s value skyrocketed with all of the avant garde jazz analytics being used in this league.

Camera pans to Bill, Jalen, and Magic.
Bill Simmons: “Interesting question here: if they selected Kareem, do they also get to use Lew Alcindor?’
Jalen Rose: “What about Roger Murdock?”
Bill Simmons: “Alright let’s kick it over to Doris”
Jalen Rose: “You know? From Airplane!”

Cut to Doris Burke in the War Room. She is interviewing dh555 and just asked for his thought process going into the pick.

dh555: “Three guys I was considering for the top pick...one I've been using for the past 20 seasons in the tepl and the other guy I just plain don’t like in rl...so let’s go with the guy I can’t seem to win with in the odl, no cap now!”

Doris Burke: “Thanks for your time DH and good luck. Guys, what do you think about that? Is Kareem the right pick here?”

Ernie Johnson: “I’m not quite...sure what that means…? What’s a tepl?”

Charles Barkley: “Sounds like some dumb nerd stuff, but look: Kareem is a classic center, this is a great pick, you can’t win sim leagues with a jump shooting team, there’s only one other guy I would’ve went with here.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Me?”

Charles Barkley: “Me, numbnuts.”

Shaq: “Why? So they can lose? Rings, Chuck. You don’t know what you talking about. “

Charles: “Only God’s an expert, Shaq. You’re not right just because you’re yelling.”

Shaq: “No, I’m right, because I’m right”


[9:40-10:40]
The camera cuts to the green room where Michael Jordan is staring daggers out the door at Kareem, not blinking. Kareem declines to be interviewed, instead just raising a black power fist. The camera continues to take in things happening in the green room as the narrator starts to voice-over the footage.

Narrator: “The green room is tense. Huge egos abound. Hundreds of the best basketball players ever. All in their absolute physical prime.”

The camera cuts over to Alex Carruso. Next to him Craig Sager is interviewing Kawhi Leonard.

Craig Sager: “Kawhi, how do you feel about the league deciding to let robots play in the league for the first time ever?”

Kawhi blinks and scratches the back of his head awkwardly. “I’m a fun guy.”
Rudy Gobert walks up and touches Sager’s microphone dramatically.
Lavar Ball hijacks the interview to yell about how one of his sons should have been #1.
Bill Walton is taking bong hits in the corner with Joakim Noah.
Caron Butler is chugging a 2-liter of Mountain Dew.
Latrell Sprewell is complaining about his WIS-assigned salary: “I can’t feed my family on this!”
Zion is asleep in his chair.

[10:40-14:20]
On the left of our screen, a box appears with 24 lines on it, and the rest of the first round picks start to fill it. At various points, the graphic pauses and we catch various clips and soundbites from the draft itself. At other points, the graphic fills in more quickly.

Narrator: “Kareem was not the only pick that inspired heated discussion. After Michael Jordan and Karl Malone were taken with the 2nd and 3rd picks, kinoa1 took Shaquille O’Neal, bringing forth a number of owners and commentators who claimed to have Shaq Daddy as either number one or two on their big boards. Other picks were just as heated.”

The camera pans to Shaq and Barkley after Shaq gets picked. Shaq has a **** eating grin on his face, and Barkley is shaking his head. A younger Shaq wearing a Superman tie is seen strutting across the stage to shake hands with Adam Silver. On his way back to the green room, he spots a young Dwight Howard wearing a Superman tie and quips “Oh, I see they already started bringing in our clones”

Over the next few minutes, we hear various commentators give opinions on the first round picks as they walk across the stage to shake Adam Silvers hand.

Zach Lowe: “The position effectiveness of Shaq and Kareem is annoying, but not enough to bump those guys from the top two spots. I would've taken Lebron over either, because he's the ultimate flexibility king. He would've been the #1 overall pick if he wasn't blacklisted. I probably would have gone Wilt second, but with those two gone, these were the obvious picks.”

Nate Duncan: “Shaq vs. Kareem. Do you go with a paint monster with turnover superiority or extra minutes and defense. It’s honestly 6 of one, half dozen of the other. They were more like my 1a & 1b than 1 & 2. Kareem has more top seasons to choose from, but Shaq’s top seasons are. Just. So. Good.”

Chris Paul is seen shaking Adam Silver’s hand.

Ben Taylor: “CP3 is no doubt the top PG in this format. Not even close in my opinion. No better combination of ast%, low tov%, defense, reb%, with solid usg+efg combo for five seasons overall. That tov% is the difference maker.”

Adam Silver says the name “Kevin Durant” and cupcakes get thrown onto the stage. Offstage, Kevin Durant looks distracted by his phone. Back in his studio, Colin Cowherd is bewilderedly yelling at Michelle Beadle.

Colin Cowherd: “Larry Bird is faster than Kevin Durant, quicker than Durant, and can jump higher. There is no argument for Durant over Bird. Larry Bird is the number one small forward. It’s all over. Couldn’t bench a buck-85.”

Tweets continue to appear on the tracker at the bottom of the screen from various owners, reporters, and fans:
Steven A. Smith: I CAN’T BELIEVE KEVIN DURANT WENT THIS EARLY! THIS IS PRE-POSTEROUS!
bds9992: I can win this. I can win this. I always say it, but this time's for real. It's gonna happen this time.
@KDTrey5: Kevin Durant absolutely should have gone this high or higher! He never won a ring in OKC because he was being held back by absolute bums and Billy Donovan was a trash coach who didn’t run plays for him.
kinoa1: Shaq was #1 on my board. Happy to get him at #4.
24kpyrite: I feared the PG position going into the draft. Once I saw my draft position, I knew CP3 was the pick.
Nate Duncan: Barkley is insanely good in this format. pexetera gets a steal at 11.
robusk: So close I could almost hold him in my hands! I traded up overcome with ambition that Barkley would fall to me. Alas, it was not to be.
Zach Lowe: I think the two best value picks so far are Shaq #4 and Bird at #14.

Narrator: “One player was conspicuously absent when his name was called.”
Adam Silver is seen saying James Harden’s name over and over.

Bill Simmons: “Doris, can you show us what’s happening in the green room right now? Where is James Harden? … Doris…? Doris…? Does it make me sexist that I can’t listen to Doris Burke analyze playoff games without thinking, ‘Woman talking, woman talking, woman talking’ the entire time? Anyway, that pick was the biggest boner I’ve ever seen! I know he has been successful in a lot of leagues lately, but Bill Russell is a no-brainer here.”

Bill Walton is seen in the war room interviewing dBKC.
dBKC: “Can’t believe I really just drafted James Harden, but he ranked out as the best available player on my board. Look, I know normally a Harden team would only be good for 30 wins, but do the math: 5 Harden teams could be good for 150 wins!”

Bill Walton: “Maybe if he had gone to UCLA, you could get to 200. Hey Brad, guess what…?”

Adam Silver decides to move on after realizing James Harden isn’t coming to the stage. “With the 13th pick in the SAVAGE draft... ysw selects….DeAndre Jordan!”

DeAndre is absent from the stage as Silver looks around trying to find him. “What is going on around here?” The camera cuts to the green room where Chris Paul and Blake Griffin are holding DeAndre hostage backstage.

Tweets continue at the bottom of the screen:
Broussard: ysw128 is beside himself running around the arena looking for DeAndre Jordan, begging (thru texts) Jordan’s family for his location.
Charles Barkley: If you locked DeAndre Jordan in a gym and told him he can’t dunk, he’d have six points in the morning.

[14:20-17:35]
A hush falls over the crowd. Then, whispers. The volume crescendos slowly until the noise is deafening. The camera pans over a variety of television booths, and we start to get an idea why the crowd is so excited.

At the TNT booth, Charles is slamming churros as Kenny asks Shaq about the end of the round.

Shaq: “This is where the excitement begins. Ash and Ben pick twice each in the next 4 picks. There’s one guy I would absolutely go for here, but I’m not sure he’s the best pick.”

Kenny Smith: “I’m terrified for the other owners right now. Might as well just scratch the top four off their big boards.”

Charles Barkley: “What’s a big board?”

As Adam Silver walks up to the podium, we barely hear a voice over the noise of the crowd.
Bill Simmons: “This pick will tell me a lot. No clear choice on my board.”

The crowd momentarily hushes as Adam Silver starts to speak.
Adam Silver: “With the 23rd pick in the SAVAGE draft… ashamael selects… Klay Thompson.”

There are a few murmurs in the crowd. Clearly the fans don’t know what to think.
In the bottom right of our screen, a video box appears and we see Nate Duncan and Danny Larue live from their Civic.

Danny Larue: “Klay is a very interesting pick. I like it, I just didn’t expect it. Makes sense though, he’s got 5 good seasons and is great at what he does.”

Nate Duncan: “Yeah, I’m just not a huge fan of this pick. Klay is a great 2nd guy and if I was pairing him with Shaq or Kareem, someone like that, I’d be feeling really good, but as your alpha guy, this isn’t a pick I would do.”

The video box widens to fill the screen and the image is replaced by the ESPN studio where Rachel Nichols has just asked Zach Lowe what he thinks of the pick.

Zach Lowe: “Klay is the best high usage, high efg% guy left that I see, has good to great defense, low tov%, and is unparalleled from distance in this format. Low boards and dimes, but he’s really good.”

The camera zooms out until we are out of the TV and showing the studio. We pan over to the TNT booth. We focus on Charles Barkley. Next to him Shaq is trying to figure out why it takes longer to fly to the moon than to California, even though he can see the moon out his window.

Charles Barkley: “You can’t win in this league with a jump shooting team. Klay gives you **** rebounds and **** dimes.”

The image fades and we are in the war room where a slightly disheveled looking Doris Burke is interviewing ashamael.

Doris Burke: “Ash, that was a bold pick taking Klay Thompson at 23. How do you like your chances right now? Any worries that benhoidal is going to take your next guy with one of his two picks?”

ashamael: “I'm going to win the 'ship in every league. I feel…”

Offscreen we hear Adam Silver’s voice: “With the 24th and 25th picks in the SAVAGE draft… benhoidal selects... Hakeem Olajuwon and Julius Erving.”

Bill Simmons voice from somewhere: “Woah!”

Doris Burke: “Sorry Ash, gotta go, be back in a few.”


Narrator: “benhoidal shocks the world with two picks that generated more comments than any others. The reactions were all over the board.”

Various clips flood the screen, stacking on top of each other in a collage:

Nate Duncan: “Danny, what do you think about the pick here?”
Danny Larue: “Wow! I love it! Hakeem and Dr. J are both great in this format”
Nate Duncan: “What about you Ben, did you see benhoidal being the owner to employ the elite D strategy?”
Ben Taylor: “Ben seems like a plausible candidate for it. In draft leagues he never seems to be set in a particular mold. He has tried some pretty wild swings in the ODL.”

Zach Lowe: “Yeah, i don’t know what i expected from Ben at the turn, but that wasn’t it.”
Camera pans to Brian Windhorst sweating profusely. He is speechless.

Charles Barkley: “I could not have been more shocked by these selections.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Dr. J woke me up in my college dorm room one day. Seriously, true story.”

Stephen A. SMITH: “WOW. DID NOT SEE BEN GOING IN THAT DIRECTION!”

benhoidal being interviewed by Doris Burke: “Any other direction I thought to go in I was just going to be doing the same things as the top few guys, just with worse players. Zig when everyone else zags.”

Cut to Marv Albert: “Ben drafts Kyrie Irving in the first round! Wow!”

The ticker at the bottom of the screen reads: 26th pick: ashamael - Oscar Robertson.

More video clips flood the screen:

Ernie Johnson: “Great picks as expected from Ben and Ash.”

Colin Cowherd: “Hakeem and Dr.J were both clear top choices at that draft spot. Klay and Oscar? Oh hell, no. Not in my strategy book.”

Twitter tracker at the bottom of the screen:
Charles Barkley: It's been YEARS since I spent this much time thinking about basketball on a weekend.
Bill Simmons: I am loving this so much !!!!!!!!!!!!

[17:35-20:35]
The camera is on the TNT booth where a league executive just handed Ernie Johnson a piece of paper.

Ernie: “So we have learned that even though there are 5 leagues, some players with less than 5 seasons will only be able to enter as many clones as the number of seasons that they have played. This will mainly affect younger guys like Karl Anthony Towns, Joel Embiid, Ben Simm…”

Charles Barkley: “Ben Simmons isn’t even good for three when it comes to clones!”

We pan over to the green room where four versions of Karl-Anthony Towns are getting ready to walk across the stage. At the bottom of the screen, a pick tracker is keeping us up to date on the latest selections. Shawn Kemp is seen handing checks to six different women as Andre Drummond watches Nickelodeon on a television screen behind him. longtallbrad pops into the green room and calls out for Dion Waiters: “Hey man can I get some more of those edibles?” Blake Griffin is telling jokes to anyone who will listen: “What’s the difference between Chris Paul and a tree?... A tree has more rings.” Walt Frazier is catching flies with his bare hands as Manu Ginobili looks on unimpressed. Avery Bradley is trying to teach people how to socially distance due to the risk of coronavirus “Okay everyone, keep your distance. Just pretend like everyone in this room is Ben Simmons at the 3-point line and you’re playing defense.” Enes Kanter awkwardly puts his hands in the air and jumps, saying “Like this?”

The cameraman opens the war room door and we make our way over to dBKC who can be heard calling his pick in.

dBKC: “I’ll take the Stifle Tower… No? The French Rejection? Gobzilla? Patient Zero? Screw it, give me Rudy Gobert.”

The camera sees pexetera lean in really close and we just catch what he has to say.

pexetera: “Oh you incredible bastard.”
pexetera notices the camera on him and quickly looks away.
pexetera: “I mean, nice pick”

On the big screen in front, Charles Barkley is giving his quick reaction to the pick.
Charles Barkley: “This is turrible. James Harden and Rudy Gobert wouldn’t even win a championship in the regular NBA, and they’re supposed to be able to compete in a league full of the best players ever? See, this is what happens when you hire any bum off the street to run the team. NBA GMs make millions. This dB guy is PAYING $50 for the privilege of pretending he’s a GM, and it shows.”

The twitter tracker continues to scroll by on the side of the screen:
tarheel1991: aaaaaaand dskantor is dead to me. Paul George :’(
Bill Simmons: The 2nd best player of all time just went 44th! 44th! Being a GM is so simple, like, just take the best player!
ashamael: Jokic in the 2nd?????
Adrian Wojnarowski: benhoidal will take Hassan Whiteside to start the third round.
bds9992: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I love it!

Charles Barkley sees Nikola Jokic walk across the stage: “Okay, this one is even worse. Only four seasons and no defense. I think he makes it back to you in the 3rd or even the fourth, but I guess if he's your guy, **** what everybody else thinks: take him.”

We pan over to Bill Walton who is talking to copernicus as they watch the big screen in the green room. The names of the last few picks scroll by.

copernicus: “Yep, just three swift uppercuts right to the scrotum.” He picks up his phone, “Um... so how about Mookie Blaylock?”

Bill Walton: “Ahh c’mon monkeyman, I thought I was the pick there! Should’ve picked me.”
copernicus looks introspectively at him.

[20:35-22:25]
Narrator: “The third round started out with a surprising pick, a twitter feud, and an ambien.”
Adam Silver’s voice: “With the 49th pick of the SAVAGE draft… benhoidal selects… Hassan Whiteside.”

The camera shows Bill, Jalen, and Magic.
Bill Simmons: “Top of the third seems early given that he's only got one season with legit starter minutes.”
Jalen Rose: “When he grabbed Dr. J and Hakeem, that is 100% the guy I thought would fall to him. The minutes gamble paid off in a big way.”
Bill Simmons: “Ben still needs perimeter players and they're running out”
Magic Johnson: “Hassan Whiteside is a center for the Trailblazers. Here are the best five guards benhoidal can take next round:...”
Magic proceeds to list 13 guards, 4 of which have already been taken, and 2 of which he lists twice.

On the screen behind them, we can hear Colin Cowherd and Michelle Beadle arguing.
Colin Cowherd: “Ben's got a powerhouse forming. I still would have gone with DWade over Dr. J... but damn.”
Michelle Beadle: “Ben is an obnoxious diva. I’m so over this dude. Him and Whiteside are made for each other.”
Colin Cowherd: “Speaking of obnoxious divas, how does Simmons get an invite to your birthday party and not me? Is it because he’s a booger eating pro-wrestling fan? You want my email address to send me an invitation? It's themostimportantpersonyouveeverknown@gmail.com"

While they are talking, tweets scroll across the tracker:
Joel “Do a 180” Embiid???: That guy??? Over me??? They would have to take his *** out in 5 minutes if he played me.
jhsukow: I’ll pick tonight. I need at least 45 minutes.
@yongwhiteside: you just another dude who talks a lot.
longtallbrad: @jhsukow Dude, I just took an ambien. Any chance you can do it in 30?

[22:25-24:25]
We jump to a camera in the green room where Doris Burke is interviewing Draymond Green who was just drafted with the 55th pick.

Draymond Green: “...50: ashamael takes Elton Brand, 51: jhsukow takes Larry Nance, 52: longtallbrad takes Buck Williams, 53: goetz93 takes Walt ******* Bellamy, and 54: jcred5 takes Kyle Lowry.”

Doris Burke: “Wow, I believed you, you didn’t have to name all 54.”

Kyrie Irving takes the microphone from her and stares right at the camera: “Is it really so crazy to think that dBKC or robusk hacked a security defense website or bought it altogether so they could rig the lottery to get the 12th and 22nd picks in the draft?!?”

Behind them, Patrick Ewing is still sweating profusely, although this time, he does seem a little nervous. Carlos Boozer is spotted with fresh new hair. Craig Sager emerges from the interview booth: “Hey, has anyone seen my sharpie?” Aaron Gordon dunks an Oreo into a glass of milk, and Dwayne Wade holds up a sign with a 9 on it. Kyrie Irving is complaining to anyone that will listen that his soda is flat. Oliver Miller is spotted stuffing donuts from the catering table into his pockets. A group of players, surrounded by empty liquor bottles and cups, are getting to the bottom of a bottle of Hennessy. Ty Lawson yells “Ay who wants the last shot?” as Robert Horry steps up to claim it. Amare Stoudemire is seen punching the glass casing surrounding the fire extinguisher in frustration over not being picked yet as the camera quickly pans away.

Cut to Shaquille O’Neal with a big grin on his face.
Shaquille O’Neal: “My mystery player is still out there! Who will take advantage!”
Charles Barkley: “We all know it’s Kobe. It’s not a mystery if everyone knows.”
Shaq mumbles something and hangs his head.

We here Adam Silver announce, “With the 60th pick in the SAVAGE DRAFT… ysw selects… Kobe Bryant.”

We see a shot of the crowd cheering, a young woman wearing a “team 4” jersey is dancing in the stands. An older man wearing a “Try #4” jersey looks confused for a moment, then sits down. Below him, Bill Simmons is giving his reaction.

Bill Simmons: “He has some of that Italian ‘**** you’ attitude in him, and I’m half-Italian, so I can say that!”

We cut back to the TNT booth.
Ernie Johnson: “How many points do you think it will take to win it all.... over or under 300?”
Charles Barkley: “I think the team that scores the most points is going to win.”

A few tweets appears on the tracker:
longtallbrad: Good morning! Anyone else sleep like a rock? I woke up to learn that I had drafted Buck Williams.
amerk1180: good friggin luck trying to score against any of my teams in the paint! LOL
jhsukow: I wonder how many more sf I draft?

[24:25-25:20]
The camera cuts back in the War Room where Bill Walton has just been drafted by copernicus. Bill is talking to longtallbrad. Upon being selected, he puts something in his pocket then goes around the room high-fiving everyone.
Patrick Ewing enters the War Room sporting his new “Gold Club” hat after being selected by 24kpyrite in the 3rd. He’s sweating profusely. This time it seems like a happy sweat. David Stern walks over and hands him an envelope stating “You look hot, here, use this to cool off.”
pexetera is overheard talking on the phone to Gordon Hayward. “Yes, I know Omaha is a mostly white city, but I’m not drafting you just because you like where my team plays.”
ashamael is seen looking at Randy Savage YouTube videos on his computer.
bds9992 is trying to tell Doris Burke that Andre Iguodala is really a point guard and should have been drafted much higher.
benhoidal is seen leading the Kardashians out of the War Room and to the rooms of players that were selected by Ash.
dh555 is overheard calling in Amare Stoudemire as the first pick of the fourth round. On the big screen in front of everyone, the image of Amare holding the fire extinguisher with a bloody hand is shown. The phone drops from dh555’s hand and he looks like he’s seen a ghost.

[25:20-27:55]
Narrator: “Never before had a draft inspired such excitement, brought forth so much commentary, or generated such heated debates.”

Camera is on Magic, Bill and Jalen.

Jalen Rose: “Reggie was definitely ahead of Allen for me in this league.”

Bill Simmons: “Reggie is just such a crappy passer, defender and rebounder. Hard to make that work in a draft league unless you have all of that already. That being said, he has been number 1 on my board for a while.”

Magic Johnson: “Doesn’t Ray have that one season with superior rebounds and assists?”

Jalen Rose: “Yes, but for 5 seasons? Reggie has at least 7 great seasons to choose from. His rebounds are horrible, defense is mediocre to bad, assists are meh. But efg%, 3's, usage, TOV, and minutes? Outstanding. Great pick at this point.”

Bill Simmons: “I promise it’s not just because he was a Celtic but Ray is clearly the better player. He’s one of only 3 members of the 17-2-37 club. I never thought Reggie was that good. This is just the market corrected on him. Let’s see what the TNT guys think.”

Camera cuts to the TNT booth where Reggie makes a choking gesture at the camera.

In the next booth over, Skip and Stephen A. are having the same debate.

Skip Bayless: “Ray Allen made the 3 that saved LeBron’s career. Aside from Jordan, there has never been a more clutch player. He just has the clutch gene. LeBron James, as gifted as he is, was not born with a clutch gene.”

Sage Steele: “Skip, we were debating Ray Allen and Reggie Miller, not Allen and LeBron.”

Stephen A. Smith: “REGGIE MILLER IS A BAD MAN!”

While they are talking, tweets are streaming in on the tracker on the side of the screen.
dh555: You know what? I’m actually glad I took Amare.
20ks: I've flipped 100 times and have finally settled on one guy. Which means I know he will be the next pick.
copernicus: oh wait, are we supposed to be thinking that hard about this?
dh555: Ugh! Amare was definitely a mistake.
Reggie Miller: Hot take: Reggie Miller is better in almost every area than Ray Allen but Ray Allen is consistently drafted over him.
tarheel1991: Did I publish my draft board to everyone by accident?
dh555: So he got upset he hadn’t been picked yet and did something stupid. I need some of that attitude on my team! Glad I got Amare when I did.
bds9992: HA! Ash takes Paul Silas in the 4th after making fun of my Jokic pick???
dBKC: Why’d you guys take all the good players? :(
dh555: Guys, can I get a redo on the Amare pick?
Kyrie Irving: Great, now I have to adjust my game to this guy Shaquille
Eric Bledsoe: I Dont wanna be here
dh555: Amare is going to lead me to the promised land!

The camera pans to the parking lot, and we see the podcast boys beside their Civic.

Nate Duncan: “Okay, which of the shooters drafted in the last few rounds would you guys take. It’s got to be Ray Allen right?”

Danny Larue: “Maybe in a vacuum, but Ray in the third vs. Reggie in the fifth? Give me Reggie.”

Ben Taylor: I actually really love the Danny Green pick. He has so many good usable seasons that are basically carbon copies of themselves, so you can just plug and play. I kept waiting for robusk to pick him, but I guess he made no sense with a few of the Kawhi seasons.”

We flash back to the arena and we hear a voice off screen:
“We can do it! Let’s get to Brad before the Ambien kicks in.”

The footage fast forwards and there is a little minute tracker in the upper right corner. After 1 hour and 17 minutes, the footage resumes normal speed. We see Adam Silver step up to the microphone and say: “I am assuming longtallbrad is tranq’d and the night is lost. Keep your refreshes in the holster fellas. We will start up again tomorrow.”

[27:55-30:15]
Narrator: “Days turned into weeks, and no one except Brad was getting any sleep. Yet the draft dragged on.”

Images and clips cut quickly in and out of the feed, blurring together as they leave the screen.

In the War Room, a blurry eyed robusk is whispering to his computers: “I have never paid attention to offensive boards when assembling a team. I don’t care about them. Shhhh.”

Mikee1 is being interviewed in the crowd by Doris Burke: “I am ****** I missed joining this league!”

copernicus turns from the big screen to the camera: “Ah Shane Battier, the rice cake of player options, all fiber, no flavor.”

In the corner of the room bds9992 is playing his trombone as dBKC tries to harmonize rap lyrics to the sound. kinoa1 is laying down a synth line on top and longtallbrad is listening in awe while staring at Sager’s suit. ashamael looks annoyed and puts headphones on.

We hear Adam Silver say, “tarheel1991 selects… Wes Unseld.” On the big screen in the front of the room we see Unseld exiting the green room. He pumps his fist on the way to shake Adam Silver’s hand. Behind them on the screen, tarheel1991 is being interviewed by Doris Burke. “RIP to Wes Unseld. We're gonna try to win this sucker for him.” Unseld looks up in horror as the camera cuts away.

The camera catches longtallbrad, nodding off, trying to stay awake. jcred5 waits until brad is fully asleep, then calls his pick in and giggles.

The camera returns to the TNT crew, who have been joined by Chris Webber, Reggie Miller, and Steve Kerr.

Ernie: “Okay guys, let’s get into our next segment. Guys, tell me which players you’re surprised are still on the board.”

Charles Barkley: “I pick Allen Iverson.”

Reggie Miller: “Charles, have you ever heard of EFG%?”

Charles Barkley: “E-F-G? I don’t care about that or H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P! Allen Iverson can PLAY.”

Reggie Miller: “He can play you right out of games. I’m surprised Brad Daugherty is still available.”

A window at the bottom of the screen shows Daugherty looking anxious in the green room.

Charles Barkley: “Reggie Miller is the worst analyst on television.”

Ernie: “Okay… anyone else?”

Chris Webber: “Isiah Thomas. I know some people don’t like his stats, but he has heart. He has toughness. These teams need that.”

The window at the bottom shows a sullen Isiah Thomas in the green room.

Shaquille O’Neal: “mmbmbmbmmbmbllmlmlbl.”

Steve Kerr: “I would say Kenny, but I think these owners are looking for some defense, toughness, and unselfishness.”

Kenny: “...”

Twitter tracker:
tarheel1991: I have a plan but I can't promise it's a good one.
24kpyrite: I f*cking hate drafting beside kinoa1
dh555: The whole 6th round I’m thinking ‘Don’t let Ben get Rollins and Ward.’ I’m kinda scared.

We cut to the parking lot next to Nate Duncan’s Honda Civic.

Danny Larue: I didn't think ben's defensive team thing was going to come together quite this well; he scored some great values, and fits, on his roster with his last three picks, Porter, Rollins, and Ward. He's going to roll out fearsome defensive lineups in all five leagues, and with offensive efficiency likely to be lower than in usual draft leagues due to the expanded season pool, that's going to be really difficult to beat.”

Ben Taylor: “That really is a tremendous amount of fouls and turnovers on five teams though. I am curious to see it.”

Snapshot of the War Room with the camera on benhoidal.
benhoidal: “Up to this point, I’ve pretty much got the exact players I wanted and haven’t had to think too hard. I really like all five of my teams through 5 rounds.”

[30:15-34:00]
The pick tracker at the bottom of our screen expands to take up the whole image. Picks start to fill in faster and faster until there is a new name every two seconds.

Narrator: “24 different owners, all with 5 unique teams to build, a total of 120 different teams playing at once. Never before in simleague basketball had such a feat been attempted and owners were dealing with the stress very differently.”

The pick tracker starts to get smaller until it is back at its normal size and location, however its pace is still accelerated. The camera zooms back into the War Room and onto copernicus who has on dark Ray Bans, flip flops, rugger shorts, a dirty oversized T-shirt, a bathrobe, and has a White Russian in his hand. Next to him, Doris Burke is interviewing dh555.

dh555: “Stressed? No, I’m not too stressed. I mean, my wife threw me out of the house a week ago and for some reason I just took Tim Hardaway, but it could be worse.” His eyes dart over to copernicus and he slightly inclines his head in that direction. He leans in and whispers, “monkee hasn’t slept in days. For his last pick, he called Adam Silver and screamed at him to ‘Shut the **** up Donny.’ I had to make his pick for him.”

copernicus raises his head from his desk and looks right at dh555. “This is what happens when you **** a stranger in the *** Larry. You get stuck with the wrong Sabonis.”

The camera pans to the middle of the room. dBKC has notecards everywhere, straying this way and that. We can just hear him muttering, “Well if she really wants to leave me over this...I get to keep the notecards in the divorce.”

Next to him, pexetera is visibly frustrated and can’t seem to figure out which note cards are his and which ones are dB’s. He picks up his phone and says, “Derek Harper… 4th round really? Guess I’ll settle for… Mark Jackson?” The window at the bottom of the screen pops up and shows a sullen Isiah Thomas in the green room.

A few desks down, we see robusk who has somehow added a computer and now has algorithms streaming on all ten. He has beer bottles strewn around him, and he is staring straight ahead into the ether, muttering to himself about how it all went wrong. Next to him, amerk1180 is heard wondering where his computer is and lamenting that he can no longer watch women’s golf.

The camera moves along down the aisle, briefly pausing at longtallbrad’s desk where Brad and Bill Walton are both passed out before stopping near the very end. ashamael and benhoidal are playing a game of Catan. ashamael’s normally neat ponytail and carefully manicured goatee are in disarray. benhoidal hangs up his desk phone and says, “That was my wife, she wanted me to make sure you knew her two rules about playing Catan with me. Never trade with me, and make sure no one else does either. I think you guys would get along well.” benhoidal’s ‘new dad’ beard is in rough shape and the bags under his eyes are the same color as the approaching Craig Sager’s suit.

Sager asks them both what their most frustrating draft moment was.
benhoidal: “Most frustrating moment? Hmm. Probably when I spent three hours deciding that Buddy flippin Hield was my only option as backup shooting guard only for jhsukow to take him two picks before me. Then I spent another hour whittling down the remaining players and settling on Michael Redd only for someone…” His eyes quickly dart towards ash and then back towards Sager. “To take him right before me. I panicked and drafted Rodney Rogers.” The window at the bottom of the screen pops up and shows a sullen Isiah Thomas in the green room.

ashamael: “Probably when that ************, kinoa1, took Russell Westbrook. I was totally going to take Westbrook with the next-to-the-last pick of the draft to back up Oscar for 5 minutes a game. Think about the beauty, the first guy to ever average a triple double for an entire season backed up by the only other guy to do it. Had to settle for Baron Davis.” The window at the bottom of the screen pops up and shows a sullen Isiah Thomas in the green room. ashamael looks down at the Catan board, and turns away from the camera and back towards benhoidal. “You’re a ************ too ben.” He flips the board upside down and the image fades into darkness. The last things we see are Craig Sager’s shocked face and benhoidal’s smirk.

[34:00-35:15]
Narrator: “Finally, after fourteen days, we reached the final round of the draft. Our GMs haven’t left this room for two weeks. Some even claim that the NBA’s Orlando bubble solution was born due to The Savage Draft.”

Our camera is in the War Room. The atmosphere is mostly casual as some owners have been finished with their teams for a while and most are relieved to be almost done. We hear snippets of conversations between the owners.

samuelyork83 is telling anyone who will listen: “Didn’t know who to pick so I called my wife and asked her to call it in. She’s a Kentucky fan. She picked John Wall. Help?“

dh555 walks up to jcred5: “Well it would only be right if you got us one last time...we love ya jcred but you have run away with the Least Valuable Owner for this draft.”

tarheel1991 to no one in particular: “You guys would laugh so hard if you saw some of the names coming up in the searches I'm running.”

longtallbrad looks up from his computer where he is just hanging up on a FaceTime call with an unknown older woman and looks at the camera: “Of course jcred nabs the player I was on track to take before Vucevic's great aunt FaceTimed me and pitifully implored me to take the big galoot instead.”

copernicus runs up to the camera: “Somebody hacked my account and has been drafting for me all along. We need to start over!”

robusk and bds9992 are talking about avant garde jazz music to pass the time. We overhear bds9992 tell robusk: “You are my new favorite owner. I will officially never say anything about your projections ever again!” A disclaimer at the bottom of the screen reads: 10 days later, bds9992 went off in the ODL 76 commentary forums on robusk after robusk predicted him to miss the playoffs.

We can just hear dh555 in the background: “You damn kids and your crazy jazz music...get off my draft thread lawn!”

[35:15-37:30]
Adam Silver’s voice is heard off screen. “With the last pick of the SAVAGE DRAFT… benhoidal selects… Tobias Harris. Wait, is that right?”

The camera pans to a crying Brad Daugherty and we hear a couple of voice-overs.
pexetera: “I kept waiting for Daugherty to get picked”
samuelyork93: “I was THIS close to picking Daugherty instead of Gasol. If Dirk was a better defender I might have.”

Isiah Thomas is giving an interview in the corner claiming that Michael Jordan blackballed him from being selected.

A large SAVAGE logo appears, followed by a sequence of talking heads.

Narrator: “The first ever SAVAGE draft had concluded, and with the season starting the next day, reason for optimism was plentiful.”

ashamael: “I will be disappointed if I finish below .500 in any season and overjoyed if I get 60 plus and/or a championship. All told, I probably spent at least 24 hours tweaking the teams & lineups after the draft was over. Thinking I’ll get 250 plus wins. Could be a pipe dream. The Cream is the team I think has the best chance to win it all because, you know, the cream will RIIIIIIIIIIIIISE to the top! Ooooooh Yeeeeee-aaaaaah!!”

pexetera: “I've had so many of my target players snagged right before they got to me that I feel like most of my team is made up of 2nd choices.”

bds9992: “Super happy with my team. I feel like I might have 5 playoff teams, and a couple contenders.”

dBKC: “Now here comes the interesting part. Will any of this actually work?”

dh555: “I feel like I could make the playoffs with every team, I'm pretty well balanced.”

jcred5: “Will anyone win 55 games?”

24kpyrite: “I do not feel like I have a championship team, but I feel like I have a trio of playoff teams.”

20ks: “As it shook out, I feel like I have 1 very good team, 1 pretty good team, 2 functional teams that could go either way depending on where they get matched up, and 1 team that will have a hard time competing.”

benhoidal: “I really only have one team that I think will be a true contender, but I have four teams that I think are going to make the playoffs and one that should have a chance.”

[37:30-42:00]
The scene fades and is replaced by a large round table of commentators. All of the media personalities from the draft are there along with a few more, all making their SAVAGE KING predictions.

Skip Bayless: “ashamael will win the SAVAGE championship. All he does is win. Book it!”

Stephen A. Smith: “I'M AN HONORABLE MAN, SO I MUST ADMIT SKIP IS RIGHT-ON WITH THAT. ASHAMAEL IS A BAD MAN!”

Nick Wright: “robusk is better at progressives than ashamael. robusk is better at theme leagues than ashamael. robusk is better at draft leagues than ashamael. The only thing ashamael is better that than robusk is open leagues, and that is because he plays in them more often. You can’t use overall wins Skip, because then benhoidal is the best, not ashamael. robusk is the best owner in simleague basketball, and he will be the SAVAGE KING.”

Sage Steele: “I have to go with kinoa1. I choose him in every league and he hasn’t let me down yet.”

Bill Simmons: “Who has the most Celtics? pharrop? Okay, I’ll go with him.”

Jalen Rose: “I think the stout front line that dh555 has is going to hold it down. Kareem with a skyhook over Shaq to win.”

Magic Johnson: “I gotta go with my Lakers in this one.”

Colin Cowherd: “Adding Andrew Bogut makes mptrey the clear favorite.”

Michelle Beadle: “robusk is my favorite in this league. He’s the best owner on the site and adding Kawhi in the 2nd gives him the edge for me.”

Ernie Johnson: “I hope bds9992 wins. He always has such great optimism.”

Charles Barkley: “America, let me just tell you something. Whoever has me is going to win.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “kinoa1 has the best owner rating, and the best player. Me.”

Reggie Miller: “I’d be scoring 35 points per game in today’s game and now I have the chance to prove it. 20ks will win the ship, and I will be MVP. No pun intended.”

Kenny Smith: “I got tarheel1991. Go Heels!”

Doris Burke: “I really like dBKC’s squad. I have him first, benhoidal second, and pexetera third.”

Bill Walton: “A lot of people understand what not saying anything means, so in effect, not saying anything is really saying a lot.”

Marv Albert: “Good point Bob. I’m taking grayfoxx to win it all.”

Nate Duncan: “I’m going to do it. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to convince myself this wasn’t the pick, but I just love how his whole team came together. I’m going with benhoidal!”

Danny Larue: “I can see it. He just has too many turnovers and fouls for my liking. I could see a number of good owners winning this thing, but I’m going with dBKC.”

Ben Taylor: “benhoidal’s defense looks great, especially for the team with the 100 D Whiteside, but he has a lot of turnovers and fouls. Meanwhile, pexetera doesn’t shoot any threes, but makes up for it with excellent defense and efficiency. I like those two at the top with the slight edge to pexetera.”

Rachel Nichols: “kinoa1, and I think that for two reasons. Number one is that he has the best owner ranking.”

Zach Lowe: “It’s hard to bet against kinoa1 here. Lot’s of owners who could win this.”

Kendrick Perkins: “My most feared teams so far due to nothing but eyeballing the rosters: copernicus, gerryred, pexetera, pharrop, robusk, benhoidal, kinoa1, mptrey, dBKC, samuelyork93, dh555, amerk1180, ysw128, dskantor, longtallbrad, pharrop, 20ks, tarheel1991, 24kpyrite, goetz93, jhsukow, jcred5, jpevans31, and bds9992.”

Brian Windhorst, holding up a 3x5 notecard with NBA stats on one side and division of assets on the back: “My wife left me.”

The screen fades black and words are written in big white block letters:

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2 - THE SEASON...

Episode 12: Let’s Get SAVAGE Part 2

[0:00-0:15]
The camera pans over the Wide World of Sports complex in Orlando. There are over 100 arenas lined up side by side. About half of them have their lights on and people are streaming inside.
Narrator: "What if I told you, about the most ambitious league in simleague basketball history?”

[0:15-0:30]
The screen goes black. A single spot light appears near the top of the screen. The camera focuses in and we see a large gold crown, ornate with jewels descending from the rafters of an arena.
Narrator: "What if I told you, that there were 24 owners, 120 teams, but only one champion?”

[0:30-0:40]
As the crown drifts down, we see the silhouettes of 24 owners in a circle on the court floor. We can just make out their faces from the light off the crown and they are all staring up in wonder. The crown lands on a pile of crumpled $1 bills in the center of the circled owners. There looks to be about 50 or so bills in total.
Narrator: "What if I told you, about the SAVAGE KING?”

[0:40-1:00]
Image fades into the 30-for-30 logo which is inside a large outline of a crown. Short opening credits sequence plays.

[1:00-2:50]
The camera opens to the World Wide Sports Complex in Orlando. We see 5 TNT booths overlooking the courts. Each with their own clones cast of Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, and Shaquille O’Neal. We see a bench full of 5 Chris Webbers, 5 Reggie Millers, 5 Steve Kerrs, and 5 Marv Alberts all dressed in suits and all eagerly waiting to be subbed in. The screen cuts to the World 3 TNT crew:

Ernie Johnson 3: “An interesting question is: Which world has the most talent? Well, not to toot our own horns here, but I’m hearing lots of comments about world 3 being the strongest.”

The screen cuts to the World 1 TNT crew:

Charles Barkley 1: “That’s lunacy! World 1 has yours truly playing for Omaha, and Michael Jordan is on another team.”

Ernie Johnson 1: “Charles, I’m not sure if you understand how this works. There’s a Charles Barkley in all 5 worlds.”

Shaquille O’Neal 1: “Yeah that means I got 20 rings now. Hey Chuck, I know they’re not too good at math in Alabama but what’s 0x5 again?”

Charles Barkley 1: “Yeah, but that means you also now made the 10 worst movies of all time.”

Ernie Johnson 2: “There will be plenty of time to debate all of that throughout the season, boys. It’s opening night! We have a special slate of games for you. 60 games between 120 different teams will all be played simultaneously at 1:53 eastern time tomorrow morning. This is the most ambitious event in simleague basketball history! Which games tonight are you guys looking forward to the most?”

Charles Barkley2: “I’m looking forward to the game where all five of me play all five of Shaq.”

Ernie Johnson 2: “Chuck, that’s not how this works.”

Shaquille O’Neal 2: “That’s what I’m looking forward to too. But which one of me is going to play point guard?”

Ernie Johnson 3: “Guys, each of your clones is on a different team.”

Charles Barkley 3: “No, all five of me are playing for this pexetereta guy. Not sure if I like him yet.”

Shaquille O’Neal 3: “They tell me my coach is really good. Kona or Corona or something?”

Charles Barkley 4: “Corona? Do you guys all have to wear masks?”

Shaquille O’Neal 4: “Rings only on my teams Chuck.”

Ernie Johnson 4: “Okay, well back to the games, as that handsome fella over there said, there are 60 games tonight.”

Ernie Johnson 5: “And another 60 just 12 hours after that. 120 teams playing at once every 12 hours for 41 days. If my calculations are correct that’s four thousand, nine hundred…”

Charles Barkley 5: “How many of you eggheads are there on this show now?!”

Charles Barkley 1: “They could make a whole carton.”

All 5 Barkleys crack up simultaneously as the image fades out.


[2:50-5:10]
Across our screen, highlights from the first night of games are shown. Magic Johnson threads a beautiful pass between Shaquille O'Neal's legs to a cutting Kevin McHale for the easy bucket. Oscar Robertson dunks on Kareem. Charles Barkley is seen spitting on a fan. Chris Paul throws a lob that looks like it’s going out of bounds before Vince Carter appears out of nowhere and tomahawks it into the hoop.

The images fade and we zoom into a press conference where several owners are talking to the press. At the front table we see dh555, pexetera, jhsukow, dBKC, mptrey, and bds9992. mptrey is leaning forward and speaking into his microphone.

mptrey: “5-0 baby! Can we call the season off now? Because this is the best it will probably get for me.”

Next to him, a despondent dBKC is holding his head in his hands and mumbles, “Let’s just say I’m already ready for season 2.”

Jhsukow looks over contemplatively and says, “Honestly, starting the season two draft right now would be pretty savage.”

dh555 starts to laugh. “Last one to get dumped or divorced wins!”

pexetera adds, “Get those index cards ready! You can put NBA stats on one side and division of assets on the other!”

We can hear some media members laughing along. Danny LaRue speaks up: “What was the hardest part about the SAVAGE draft?”

dh555: “It was actually a lot easier to run this thing than I thought it was going to be. Lots of great owners in this league. The hardest part was probably trying to figure out how to set the divisions for each league.”

pexetera: “All the players I wanted kept getting taken right before my turn. Had to keep settling for second choices.

jhsukow: “Definitely trying to predict what ash and ben were going to do at each turn. I kept having to guess which of the players I wanted would still be there when it got back to me.”

dBKC: “For me it was figuring out how to keep my wife distracted enough that she didn’t realize just how much time I was putting into this thing.”

bds9992: “I didn’t think it was so tough. All the guys I wanted kept falling to me.”

Chris Brussard: “Any bold predictions for the season?”

dh555: “No player is going to win multiple MVPs. Too many good candidates that can win it...Kareem, Shaq, Jordan, both Malones, Hakeem, Oscar, DRob, Gilmore, CP3, Wade, KG, Harden, Durant, Barkley, Dwight, Bird, Duncan. None of them would really surprise me.”

pexetera: “No owner wins more than one title.”

jhsukow: “I think whoever wins this thing is going to have to win more than one. I’m going out on a limb and say the champion wins three titles.”

dBKC: “A lot of picks are going to look stupid in hindsight. And a lot of picks that looked stupid during the draft are going to look smart. James Harden MVP baby!”

mptrey: “My bold prediction is that I’m going to beat dBKC.”

bds9992: “Nikola Jokic is going to show everyone why he was a 2nd round pick.”

Ramona Shelburne: “Alright boys, so really, who’s going to win this thing?”

bds9992 leans into his microphone: “That’s the thing about this league. Everybody has a chance to win it. We all have hope.”

We start to zoom out as the conference room fades into black.


[5:10-7:40]
Narrator: “For some, that hope would be quickly and savagely taken away.”

As “Nazarith Savage” by Nas plays in the background, we see a series of video clips from the first half of the season. George Gervin is giving a pre-game interview and telling reporters, “They didn’t draft me to guard guys. They drafted guys to guard me.” We cut to Gervin airballing a finger roll by 10 feet. amerk1180 is seen talking to reporters after a game: “This is so frustrating! Gervin plays nothing like his real life self!” Craig Sager pauses for a second before responding, “Yeah, his defensive rating does seem curiously high.” Karl Malone is seen missing two free throws as Scottie Pippen yells out, “Looks like your sitemail couldn’t be delivered!” A newspaper pinwheels into the frame with the headline, “OWLS coach bds9992 claims to have finally figured it out, has secret weapon to turn season around.” The picture below the headline shows Nikola Jokic and Carlos Boozer getting posted up by Mark Price. Jeff Teague is seen dribbling into a triple team while Dwyane Wade and Deron Williams look on, wide open, with their hands out, yelling for the pass. longtallbrad is heard talking to a reporter: “I’ve rarely ever been so embarrassed.” Clyde Drexler is staring down Michael Jordan right before bricking an open three. A wide open Dirk Nowitzki is shaking his head, and we hear coach samuelyork93 turn to an assistant and say, “Can I get a mulligan? I need to rethink my drafting strategy.” The image fades into an image of an empty bench. 24kpyrite is seen running around looking for his team. Another newspaper pinwheels over the screen with the headline, “Mons Venus players skip game to hang out with sponsors.” The last image we see is bds9992 in front of media personnel. He grabs a white towel and disgustedly throws it in the air as he exits the podium and the scene fades out.

Narrator: “There was one heated moment that dominated the news cycles and ended with sim veteran Troy Murphy being placed on an extended leave of absence that lasted most of the season.”

The previous scene fades into an interview being held in a dimly lit room between Rachel Nichols and Juwan Howard, one of the assistant coaches, along with Rick Carlisle, of jhsukow’s five teams. The camera is on Nichols and she asks, “So Juwan. Tell me about the incident.” Howard looks a little uncomfortable, but looks at Nichols and says, “Well, we were in World 4 right? That’s the one where we were in last place. It was maybe the 8th game of the season, and something just wasn’t working. We talked as a staff, and we made the mutual decision that Murph should be taken out of the starting lineup. Nothin’ against Murph, I love the dude, but what the team needed at that time was a little more toughness. We needed more minutes for Jonas, and we needed Marques in our starting lineup. This was right after we had benched Detlef and we were still figuring out our rotation. We had to do something right? Nothin’ was working. Well, jhsukow decided to tell Murph right before the game. Not how I would have done it, but that’s what happened. Anyways the two of them were in this closed off room and all of a sudden Rick and I started hearing shouting. We probably let it go on a couple seconds too long. We heard Murph say something like ‘Do you know who the BLEEP I am? I built this BLEEPING site!’ It was wild. Rick and I had to go in and separate the two of them. Never seen anything like it.”

The interview fades out and is replaced by the league standings. We zoom in and can see the bottom eight owners twenty games into the season.

dskantor - 43
24kpyrite 43
goetz93 - 42
pharrop - 41
samuelyork93 - 40
longtallbrad - 35
bds9992 - 35
amerk1180 - 32


[7:40-9:30]
Narrator: “Not everything was so bleak, especially for a few owners who emerged early on as the favorites.”

The standings quickly scroll to the top and we zoom in on the top 6 scores as “Savage” by Judas Priest starts playing.

pexetera - 68
dBKC - 65
kinoa1 - 63
dh555 - 63
mptrey - 62
benhoidal - 62

Narrator: “By game 20, 6 owners had separated themselves from the rest and would remain in that top tier by themselves for the rest of the season. Each of these owners would hold the points lead at some point the rest of the way. While the dreams of the other 18 owners would all periodically be crushed, for these 6 owners, the dream of the SAVAGE crown was very much alive all season long.”

The standings are replaced by a sequence of talking heads as the music fades off.

benhoidal: “Winning the SAVAGE crown? Man, that would be awesome. Lots of great owners here. Some of the best. I started at the bottom of the draft. Let’s see if I can end on top.”

mptrey: “If I manage to win the SAVAGE crown, virtual parades will be held all throughout the internet. mptrey will become a household name and my booking price will go way up for virtual coaching sessions. Nah but for real, I don't see myself as a legit contender in this thing, still feel like a newbie compared to some of these guys who have been around for a while. I just wanna beat dBKC, we both came in the game around the same time, carved a similar lane and I feel like he's always been an unspoken rival of sorts to me. dB! I'm coming for you!” He turns to look right at the camera and gives his best Macho Man impression, “ Ohhh yeaaahhhh!”

dh555: “I've got 32 titles - all of them in theme leagues. I've won in the ODL, 52, DDL, and every Prog I've ever been in. My status as a very good 2nd tier owner in WIS has long been cemented. I'll never win as consistently as the top tier owners, but in any given league, with the right amount of luck, I can compete with anyone. I don't think anyone is surprised I still have a (very) slim chance to win the SAVAGE crown since I fix...er...uh I won the lottery. No, I want this more for my guys.”

Kinoa1: “Better to be SAVAGE King for a night, than a schmuck for a lifetime.”

dBKC: “I need that crown so I can show my wife and justify all of… this.” He gestures around his kitchen which is full of hundreds and hundreds of 3x5 notecards, completely covering all possible countertop space.”

pexetera: “When it’s all said and done, and we look back, I doubt any of us will forget the first Savage tournament. It could even lead to the SIM being permanently fun again. So, when a champion is eventually crowned this season, there’ll be nothing but respect from me. Regardless of who wins it. As long as it’s me.”


[9:30-14:30]
“Savages” by Paul Weller starts playing and the interview fades to black.
Narrator: “Two top owners were notably missing from the top of the leaderboards. robusk and ashamael had proven to be two of the best owners in sim history, however for both superstars, something was wrong from the start.”

The scene opens to a picture of a scoreboard. There’s just under 2 minutes left and the home team, the Ashavage Slim Jims, are losing 134-112 to the Owls. The camera pans down to the court where Boban Marjanovich is seen dunking over Elton Brand, and then over to the Slim Jims’ bench. There we can see ashamael pacing up and down the bench tearing out his own hair and screaming. The scene fades out and we see an irate ashamael giving a post-game interview to Doris Burke: “Apparently clean basketball is no longer the winning formula. Just get efg%, def, and boards and **** everything else! These kids with their jazz music and ambien!”

The image fades and is replaced by a studio set. On one side of the room, you have Zach Lowe, and on the other, you have ashamael. Perhaps due to a chip on his shoulder from his slow start, Ash is sporting all 84 of his championship rings for the interview. Zach is caught whispering “You know this is a podcast, right?” The show starts with some blatant ad placements from Zach and then some hard-hitting interview questions. Zach seems to be having a good time. ashamael does not.

Zach Lowe: “Alright Ash, I have a note written down here from when I interviewed dBKC. He said, and I quote, ‘I am absolutely terrified of season 2 ashamael… I feel like LeBradford Smith after embarrassing Mike… payback is coming.’”

ashamael looks up with a smirk, but there is no warmth behind it. “You do your homework don’t you? That was June 28th. Afternoon games. 1:53pm. Eastern time zone, of course. It was in World 1 and his Mambo team came to my Bonesaws arena. Whole game, dB and James Harden are complaining to the refs. Meanwhile Mourning is throwing ‘bows left and right. The only one classy on that entire team was Jerry West. That Mother F*cker dropped 30 points in 32 minutes. Anyways, after the game, dB has the gall to sitemail me ‘Good game, Ash.” ashamael shakes his head. The smirk leaves his face and he looks Zach Lowe dead in the eye. “That’s all it takes. He isn’t beating me once in season 2.”

We fade into a locker room scene where ashamael and his team are sitting around staring blankly at each other. Doris Burke has just asked ashamael how he pumps up his team for a big matchup in World 2 against robusk. ashamael continues to stare absently ahead and says, “Another 0-5 day yesterday. Hard to maintain interest when you’re below .500 overall.” The camera retreats out of the locker room and closes the door. The camera pauses for a moment on the inscription on the door. It reads, ‘The Phoenix will rise from the ashes.’ The initial inscription is crossed out and someone has carved, ‘There is no Phoenix, just ash’ into the wooden door.

The camera swivels around and we enter another door at the end of the hall with a visitor's locker room sign on it. We see Craig Sager interviewing robusk, asking him about how the season is going so far. robusk is still wearing his draft day ‘Neo’ outfit and looks a little peeved to be taken away from his algorithms. “Well, I’m pretty annoyed that a guy who drafted a **** ton of turnovers, fouls, and so few threes is dominating this thing while I’m below the middle at 15.” He then seems to take a deep, reflective pause before asking aloud: “Are my algorithms out of touch?....No, it’s the winning teams who are wrong.”

The video image starts to fast forward at x64 speed through the pregame warm-ups and through most of the game. It periodically resumes normal speed for some key highlights before resuming the sped up pace. We see Oscar Robertson, the only player in black and white, with his hands on his knees, panting, before getting an inbounds pass, going coast-to-coast, and laying it in over Grant Hill. We see Kawhi Leonard grab an errant pass with one hand, blowing by his defender before coming to a textbook jump stop, and finishing a layup.

Narrator: “In what may have been the greatest meaningless game in the history of simleague basketball, robusk and ashamael battled each other through five overtimes. Oscar Robertson played a SAVAGE record 71 minutes. Artis Gilmore played 68. ashamael only played 8 guys, and it would have been 6 had Glen Rice and Elton Brand not fouled out. Ten players scored at least 24 points. Both owners knew it was pointless. Knew that neither one had a shot at the SAVAGE crown anymore. But they kept fighting anyways, giving it everything they had, never bowing down or giving up. It was like they wanted to give their fans one last show of their immortality. They wanted to give their players one last look at what should have been. More than anything, they wanted to prove to themselves that they still had it, that this league was a fluke.”

The video finally pauses on the scoreboard. There is 28 seconds left in the fifth overtime period. The score is 204-203, advantage ashamael, but Oscar Robertson has just turned it over on a carry. We hear him complaining to the refs, “You let all these modern players palm the ball every single possession and you are gonna call that???” Eric Bledsoe brings the ball up the court and coach robusk calls one final play. Bledsoe stalls out the shot clock, and then comes off a screen from Artis Gilmore. The defense rotates, but leaves Kawhi Leonard open on the right side. Bledsoe threads the pass and Kawhi hits the open jumpshot. The camera pans to the scoreboard where there is now 8 seconds left and the score is 205-204, advantage robusk. We pan over to the benches where robusk is celebrating with his guys as ashamael is strangling Glen Rice on the other side. We pan back to the court where Baron Davis is sprinting with the ball towards the other hoop. As time runs out, he floats a jumper up and over the outstretched arm of Al Horford. It drops in and the crowd goes wild, before Tim Donaghy flies in waving the play off. robusk’s team has won and the camera catches robusk’s players dumping Gatorade on his head. robusk starts off elated, but becomes horrified as he realizes the Gatorade has splashed all over his computers. Charles Barkley announces “It’s full of elecalytes.” Ernie Johnson replies, “I think it’s Electro, Chuck.” Charles says, “Right, cause it’s a computer.” ashamael is now strangling Tim Donaghy.

Narrator: “The play went to the league office for review, and with the whole stadium holding their breaths, the call was made.”

A red-necked Tim Donaghy is seen walking to center court. ashamael is standing right behind Baron Davis with his hands ominously outstretched. We see Donaghy raise his hand, and bring it down, signaling the basket is good. robusk is seen trying to fan off his computers, oblivious to the call. Ash is seen slyly slipping Tim Donaghy a WIS eGift Certificate. Confetti falls from the ceiling and as our image fades out, the last thing we see is the scoreboard: 206-205, advantage ashamael, 5 overtimes. Screen fades to the league standings, where ashamael moves into 12th place and robusk drops to 16th.


[14:30-19:30]
We pan in again on the World Wide Sports Complex in Orlando. We zoom in on the biggest of the stadiums, go in through the doors, and enter into one of the TNT studios. Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, Shaquille O’Neal, and Charles Barkley are starting their All-Star halftime show. A very eager Charles Barkley is sitting up proudly, with a stack of papers in his hands, ready to report for the camera.

Charles Barkley: “It’s my favorite time of day. As you might already know, I have a little segment where I update you with the league standings twice per day”

Shaq looks defeated and annoyed. Kenny interjects, “You wasn’t doing this segment before your team was in first place!”

Charles Barkley: “How many wins your teams have again Kenny? What world you in? World 6?”

The following graphic of the league standings is displayed on the screen while Charles talks about team records:

Owner	Pts	Playoffs	Div Lead
pexetera	136	5	4
benhoidal	133	4	3
dBKC	128	5	2
kinoa1	126	4	2
mptrey	120	5	2
dh555	117	5	1
copernicus	114	3	1
jcred5	111	4	1
tarheel1991	109	3	0
ashamael	105	1	0
ysw128	104	3	0
20ks	104	3	0
jpevans31	102	1	1
gerryred	97	1	1
robusk	96	3	1
goetz93	95	2	0
24kpyrite	94	1	0
jhsukow	92	2	0
dskantor	91	0	0
samuelyork93	89	2	0
pharrop	88	1	0
bds9992	81	1	0
longtallbrad	68	1	1
amerk1180	60	0	0

Charles Barkley: “Wow what a surprise, Pexeteretara and his 5 Barkleys are still solidly in first place. That’s a wonderful team. No jump shooting, just pure ruggedness and handsomeness. You love to see it. Then we got the Dr J and Hakeem team. In World 3 they have a 33-8 record which is the best record out of any team in any world. They good, but not as good as the me team. Somehow Harden is flopping his way to 3rd, I guess. Oh hey look Shaq, you’re 4th. 4th is pretty good buddy. Maybe one of your teams will get to play against one of my 5 finals teams.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “You know what, I think it’s time for MY favorite segment. It’s All-Star weekend. Let’s talk All-Stars. Ernie, why don’t you go ahead and break ‘em off some knowledge.”

The following graphic is displayed while Ernie talks about the results:

Pos	Name	Team	Appearances	Starters	MVP MVP’s
C	Kareem Abdul-Jabbar*	dh555	5	4	226 2
C	Hakeem Olajuwon*	benhoidal	5	2	217 1.5
PG	Oscar Robertson*	ashamael	5	4	211 1
C	Shaquille O'Neal*	Kinoa1	5	1	210
SG	James Harden*	dBKC	5	5	210
SF	Julius Erving*	benhoidal	5	3	204 .5
PF	Karl Malone*	bd29992	5	4	198
PF	Charles Barkley*	pexetera	5	2	188
SG	Kobe Bryant*	ysw128	5	1	183
SG	Michael Jordan*	copernicus	4	4	174
PF	Kevin Garnett*	20ks	4	4	165
C	David Robinson*	gerryred	4	2	163
SF	Larry Bird*	pharrop	4	3	155
PG	Magic Johnson*	mptrey	4	2	145
SG	Clyde Drexler*	samuelyork93	4	1	136
C	Artis Gilmore	robusk	3		117
PG	Gary Payton	jcred5	3		115
C	Moses Malone	dskantor	3		114
SF	Kevin Durant*	tarheel1991	3	1	111
PF	Giannis Antetokounmpo	jcred5	3		110
C	Bob McAdoo	copernicus	2		83
C	Walt Bellamy	goetz93	2		78
PF	Dirk Nowitzki*	samuelyork93	2	2	76
C	Bill Russell	24kpyrite	2		75
C	Patrick Ewing	24kpyrite	2		74
PF	Elton Brand	ashamael	2		73
SG	Bradley Beal	mptrey	2		68
SG	Dwyane Wade*	longtallbrad	1	1	41
C	Dwight Howard	jpevans31	1		41
SF	Grant Hill	robusk	1		39
SF	Tracy McGrady*	mptrey	1	1	39
PG	Chris Paul*	24kpyrite	1	1	39
PG	Jason Kidd	goetz93	1		38
C	Karl-Anthony Towns*	20ks	1	1	38
PF	Anthony Davis	jhsukow	1		37
PF	Tim Duncan	amerk1180	1		37
SF	Paul Pierce	24kpyrite	1		37
C	Andre Drummond	ysw128	1		36
PF	Kevin Love	dh555	1		36
PF	Chris Webber	ashamael	1		36
PG	Anfernee Hardaway*	20ks	1	1	36
C	Nikola Vucevic	longtallbrad	1		35
SF	Shawn Marion	gerryred	1		35
SG	Brandon Roy	tarheel1991	1		34
PF	Ben Wallace	jpevans31	1		34
SF	Paul George	dskantor	1		33
PG	Terry Porter	benhoidal	1		33
PG	Walt Frazier	Kinoa1	1		31
PG	Mark Price	gerryred	1		31

Ernie Johnson: “We had FORTY NINE players selected as All-Stars this season, but more importantly, let’s crunch the numbers and talk about players who were All-Stars in all 5 leagues, and let’s talk about total votes as well. There were 9 players to pull off the feat of being an all-star in every world: Kareem is at the top of that list due to having the most votes. Hakeem is 2nd. The Big O is third. Our very own Shaq is 4th...“

Shaquille O’Neal: “What were you saying, Chuck? You ain’t in first place, your TEAM is. Your team would trade you for me in a heartbeat.”

Charles Barkley: “So you admitting that you need Kobe or Wade to help you win? Clyde Frazier isn’t good enough for you? I could win with him. Get me a matching fur coat too.”

A short montage of highlights from All-Star Saturday starts to play.
Ernie Johnson: “Alright boys let’s get back to business. After Steph Curry and Klay Thompson declined to participate in the 3-point shootout, Kyle Korver made short work of the event. Korver finished 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th. Vince Carter tried to replicate the feat later last night by winning all five dunk contests, but fell just short in World 5, when judge Dwyane Wade gave controversial scores to both Carter and fellow contestant Dwayne Wade. No one was sure who won the skills contest and nobody really cared. Now, back to tonight’s event. Guys, any surprises for you as far as who made the team or who is starting?”

Charles Barkley: “So Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, and Magic Johnson only made 4 teams while James Harden is a STARTER in all 5 leagues?! I don’t care if he’s getting wins and scoring points. Ain’t nobody wanna sit there and watch him dribble the ball like a damn idiot.”

Kenny Smith: “It’s called ISO ball”

Charles Barkley: “Well ISO tired of watching it.”

Ernie Johnson: “Moving on, and speaking of Michael Jordan, our own Marv Albert sat down to talk to MJ this All-Star weekend.”

Film clips from the season start to play on the screen. We see Adam Silver step up to the microphone and say, “With the 2nd pick in the Savage Draft… copernicus selects… Michael Jordan. Next we see an assortment of dunks and fancy layups. This is followed by clips of a number of missed mid-range jumpers.

Narrator: In a stark departure from what many thought would be an exclamation point on his case for the greatest basketball player who ever lived, Air Jordan has barely squeaked into the top 10 point getters at All-Star Weekend. Furthermore, his teams have fallen into seventh place, 22 games behind the leader. While the Savage season is far from over for Michael and his coach copernicus, it’s hard for some not to see the first half as a major disappointment for the one many call the GOAT.

The screen fades to an interview between Marv Albert and Michael Jordan. Jordan is wearing a very nice Italian suit, with an earring in one ear. Marv is wearing an inside-out T-shirt and his glasses have no lenses. He has a garter belt swung over one shoulder.

Marv Albert: “Matthew, tell me about the pressure that has been on you. So many people are saying that this Leroy Jones is better than you. Then, you get drafted second after some guy with a weird name. You’re not playing as well in this league as some might have thought. What’s that like?”

Michael Jordan: “Look. I’m entitled to my opinion about how the SIM works. I don’t have to play four positions or have a 60 efg%. I can still go out there and score 30 a game without that. LeBron is an unbelievable player, but we played in different eras. If I had his hand checking rules in my day, I would have scored 50 a night on 80 efg%.”

Marv Albert: “Okay Martin. Do you ever lie awake at night after losing a big game, thinking “Maybe I’m not good enough? Maybe Leroy is better than me? Maybe I didn’t deserve to be drafted 1st overall? Maybe I should play baseball instead?”

Michael Jordan: “No, not really.”

Marv Albert: “Marty, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”

Michael Jordan: “Well, I have thought about the baseball thing once or twice.”

Marv Albert: “And that’s okay Maurice. Really. Basketball isn’t for everyone. Do you ever get mad that people aren’t talking about you as the greatest anymore?”

Michael Jordan: “Hell yes. Maybe LeBron or Kareem can do things on a computer that I can’t do, but put us on a real court and we will see who can play.”

Marv Albert: “Mark, do you ever get so mad that you just want to bite them?”

Michael Jordan: “Bite them?”

Marv Albert: “Yes, Mitchell. Bite them? It’s one of my favorite things to do when I am… mad.”

Michael Jordan: “No, I’m more of a tongue guy.”

Marv Albert: “YES! Thanks for your time Milton.”

The interview fades out and we are back at the TNT booth. Ernie and the boys stare at the camera for a few seconds.

Ernie Johnson: “Well… Maybe a break is just what Michael needs. And we need one too. After this commercial break, we will be back with five Fergies singing the National Anthem.”

[19:30-19:50]
Narrator: “With the All-Star festivities over, it was time to get back to work. With the standings so tight at the top, every game mattered. Six owners had quickly established themselves as the favorites. As the season wound down, each would fight for the SAVAGE crown, and the glory that would come with it.”

The screen becomes a grid with a horizontal line running through the middle of it, and two vertical lines parting into thirds. Six squares now take up the screen and in each one there is video footage of a different coach along the sidelines: dh555, dBKC, mptrey, benhoidal, kinoa1, and pexetera. The footage in each square stops on a close-up of the coaches face and each image turns black and white.

[19:50-22:20]
The square in the upper left regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. “555” by Jimmy Eat World starts playing faintly in the background. A stoic figure, clad in a blue suit with white pinstripes, and a red tie is roaming the sidelines, hands on his hips, a cigar in his mouth. His players are all dressed in red, white and blue uniforms with a big 555 label in the front. The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Kareem swishes his legendary skyhook. Chauncey Billups drains a three in the defenders face. A pair of REC-SPECS basketball goggles is focused in the middle of the screen as Kareem, Amare, and Horace Grant's faces flash in and out of them. Fat Kevin Love throws a full court outlet pass that goes straight in the hoop. Skinny Kevin Loves watches from the crowd in awe. John Henson is running back to play on defense while the rest of the team is still on offense. Doug Christie and Eddie Jones are seen double teaming a ball handler and getting a steal. Tim Hardaway threads a pass through the defense to Dan Majerle who catches it and shoots in one smooth motion over the defender. Clarence Weatherspoon and Bobby Phills are seen cracking jokes together on the bench. Next to them, still pacing the sidelines, is dh555. We zoom back in on him as he starts to berate Amare Stoudemire.

Narrator: “This is dh555. You might know him as Captain Savage. As the commissioner of all five leagues, dh had generated more interest in this league than any theme league before. The cash prize was the cherry on top, but he knew the real prize was the Savage Crown.”

Cut to a talking head of dh555.
dh555: “We started a little slow, but we trusted the process. Kareem was awesome from the get go, but the rest of the team really took a little bit before we started to gel. Amare really struggled after the fire extinguisher incident. I had no idea it was possible to break five hands from one punch. It took us maybe twenty games before we really turned it around. At that point, we were in the top six or so teams and we have kinda stayed right around there the whole season. Had some dips, usually when Amare and Chauncey decided they couldn’t shoot anymore, but we’ve always had our captain to steer us through.”

Narrator: “What has to happen in the rest of the regular season and the playoffs for you to win and become the SAVAGE King?”

dh555: “Well, Kareem has to be the best player from here on out. No more excuses. I probably need to hold on to my division lead in World 3 and probably my conference lead in World 1.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

dh555: “I need to avoid mptrey! I’m 4-18 against him overall!”

"We pan back to the sideline and the camera zooms in on dh555. He’s still yelling at Amare, but now he throws his hands in the air, turns around disgustedly, and shouts, “Love, check in and show him how to play defense...what?"

Narrator: “Can dh555 ride Kareem to the first SAVAGE crown? Can Amare ever win the love of his coach? Or will the pressure of the league prove too savage for the commissioner?”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.


[22:20-24:50]
The square in the upper right regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. “Mambo #5” by Lou Bega plays. On the sideline sits a curly haired coach who is asking his players nicely to try really hard. Oh wait, he’s standing. He’s very short. The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. James Harden makes 15 between the leg dribbles, before taking a 10 step step-back move into a three pointer. Afterwards he holds his hand out and begs the ref for a foul. The ref ignores him and we see Harden try to grab the ref’s whistle and blow into it himself. Rudy Gobert blocks a dunk attempt at the rim, and Alonzo Mourning is there to block the put-back attempt. Donyell Marshall receives a kick out pass from a Harden drive and sinks the shot. Kevin Harlan announces, “Donyell must be shocked that he made that one. His eyes are wide in surprise.” Donyell yells, “Hey man that’s just how I look.” Jerry West hits a jumper from the elbow and shouts “Gee golly!” Paul Pressey throws a bullet in the paint to Cedric Maxwell who jams it home. Dave Cowens is sitting on the bench looking sad and in street clothes, holding his MVP trophy. Jamario Moon and Kyle Anderson each swish their lone attempt for the game. Joel Przybilla and Oliver Miller are eating snacks on the bench. Next to them dBKC is furiously drawing up plays on scattered notecards. We zoom back in on him as he is getting yelled at by his wife.

Narrator: “This is dBKC…the GM who made the first truly surprising pick of the draft when he selected James Harden with the 12th overall selection, passing over legends like Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Tim Duncan. He seemed to question his own selection as the team got off to a rocky start. He publicly announced early on, while the team was in the bottom half of the rankings, that he was already thinking ahead to season 2. All 5 James Hardens publicly asked for trades to the 5 strip club sponsored teams. Things were looking bleak. Then something extraordinary happened…”

Cut to a talking head of dBKC.

dBKC: “I went 5-0 ‘cause it’s my motherf*cking birthday!”

Narrator: “...It was his motherf*cking birthday.”

dBKC: “I’m drunk!”

Narrator: it was the first sign of life for a troubled team.

dBKC: “See, I knew this whole time that James Harden wasn’t a stupid pick!...Never doubted it for a second. My notecards are always right.”

Narrator: “The winning ways continued for weeks and weeks, as the Mambo squad climbed from the bottom of the rankings to as high as #2”

dBKC: “It’s like every day is my motherf*cking birthday!”

Narrator: “Heading into the postseason as one of the top 5 teams, will the Mambo squad have what it takes to pull it off? Will the refs whistles continue to be kind to Harden in the playoffs? Or will Mambo go 0-27 from 3 in the most important game of the postseason?”

We pan back to the sidelines and the camera zooms in on dBKC at a team practice. “No, you need to really SELL the contact. Fall HARDER.”

Narrator: “We know they’ll get their free throws. Now let’s see if they can make them.”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.


[24:50-27:20]
The square in the upper middle regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. “DNA'' by Kendrick Lamar starts playing faintly in the background. We see a figure bouncing up and down on the sidelines with headphones on. The players next to him are wearing jerseys with a butterfly wearing chains as the main logo and all the players on the bench are wearing headphones too. The coach seems just as absorbed in his music as the game itself. The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Magic Johnson is leading a fast break. He fakes a pass with one hand to Kevin McHale who is sprinting down the right side of the lane, then fakes another pass with the same hand to Manu Ginobili who is trailing from the left, before laying it in softly off the glass. In the corner of the court, Joakim Noah is doing a bong hit. Andrew Bogut gets subbed in and immediately breaks his leg. Bradley Beal is confronting a heckler while Derrick Favors is doing...whatever Derrick Favors does. Pascal Siakam throws down a nasty dunk on Draymond Green. Bismack Biyombo is blocking everything in sight, including a couple of his teammates’ shots. Tracy McGrady looks sleepy as he hits a step-back fadeaway over his defender. David Lee and Chris Bosh are sitting on the bench, sharing a pair of headphones. Next to them is mptrey who asks if he can listen too. We zoom back in on him as he changes the song on David Lee’s iPod. “Swimming Pools” by Kendrick Lamar starts playing faintly in the background.

Narrator: “This is mptrey. The first Canadian to coach in the Savage League. Known for being too polite, he will often apologize to rival coaches after winning.” The screen cuts to him in a heated argument with a ref “Travelling? Pardon my manners but with all due respect sir, I don’t know what you’re talking aboot.” “After a hot 5-0 start, mptrey fell back a bit, but never out of the top six.”

Cut to a talking head of mptrey.
mptrey: “That first night, we started off 5-0. Couldn’t believe it when I looked at the results. Didn’t think I’d be a real contender. But, gotta give my guys some credit. They’ve played well all season, kept me right in the thick of things. Hoping to stay competitive in the playoffs, maybe win a series or two.”

Narrator: “What would have to happen for you to win the SAVAGE crown?”

mptrey: “Well, as Magic said, we need to score more points than the other team and then we’ll probably win. I have a bunch of guys who can score, and Magic is going to give it to them when they’re open. I trust him to find the hot hand.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

mptrey: “Well, those byes are a big deal. Four free points and some much needed rest. If I don’t get any of them, the climb might be too steep.”

We pan back to the sidelines and the camera zooms in on mptrey who is talking to his team after the game. “Big win fellas! Now let’s get out of here before they turn off the lights.”

Narrator: “Can mptrey’s own version of Showtime lead him into the promised land? Or will he be sent savagely back home down Canada’s lone road?”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.


[27:20-29:50]
The square in the lower middle regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. “Sympathy for the Devil” by The Rolling Stones starts playing faintly in the background. On the sidelines sits coach Ben Hoidal, who is furiously writing SIM fan fiction on a laptop while his team runs like a well oiled machine on it’s own. The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Hakeem Olajuwon is switched onto a guard on the perimeter. He forces a tough pass inside, recovers to the rim, and blocks a dunk attempt. Julius Erving is seen swooping his arm under and around both a defender and the backboard as he makes a seemingly impossible reverse layup. Hassan Whiteside is giving post scoring lessons to Hakeem on the sideline while Hakeem studiously listens. We hear Hassan mention “Look ‘keem, let’s get that eFG% up. It’s all about the footwork.” Danny Green and Terry Porter are seen running the wings on a fastbreak. The ball gets thrown to Porter who fakes the help defender before throwing it to Green for the wide open triple. Charlie Ward leads a ball handler straight into the waiting arms of Tree Rollins, who blocks the ball over to Ward to start the fast break. Rodney Rogers and Chris Gatling nail a variety of corner threes in a quick montage. Michael Beasley is seen caressing Wesley Person’s knee on the bench as Tobias Harris looks on with a confused expression on his face. Next to them, pacing the sidelines anxiously is the coach. We zoom back in on him as he yells at Hakeem Olajuwon to “Stop shooting those damn mid-range jump shots! Take it to the hole or kick it out for three!”

Narrator: “This is benhoidal. You may know him as the Sim Devil, the all-time leader in simleague championships. He had the last pick in the draft, and sent shockwaves through the whole league with his controversial selections of Hakeem Olajuwon and Julius Erving. After taking over the points lead three times during the season including twice after the All-Star break, no one was laughing anymore. Not only did he put together the most dominating individual team in any of the leagues, he did it in World 3, the toughest of all the Worlds.”

Cut to talking head of benhoidal.
benhoidal: “I was feeling really good after the All-Star break. 1st place in the standings a couple of times and kept having 5-0 or 4-1 stretches. Then started a huge slump. Went a whole week without a 4-1 finish. Ended okay, but I will need to catch a couple of breaks in the playoffs if I want a chance at this thing.”

Narrator: “What would have to happen for you to win the SAVAGE crown?”

benhoidal: “Unfortunately, pex and I are in different conferences in all five worlds. Not only do I have to win a championship or two, I have to stop him from winning any. So, I’m going to have to rely on other owners to knock him out a few times. Not something I’m used to.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

benhoidal: “If I can’t sneak into the playoffs in World 5, I don’t have a shot. Luckily, it’s an incredibly easy division, and I have a similar chance of winning the bye as missing the playoffs entirely. Getting those free 4 points and some rest would really give me a chance.”

The camera zooms back in on benhoidal on the sidelines and we hear him mutter, “And they said I can’t win without trades.”

Narrator: “Can benhoidal add a crown to the trophy case, or will this league prove too savage even for him?”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.


[29:50-32:20]
The square in the lower left regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. The JAWS theme song starts playing faintly in the background. The camera cuts to footage of coach Kinoa3 from world 3. He is wearing a suit and tie and thick black Scorsese-style glasses. He has a commanding presence but he says very few words. He holds his hands up in front of his face, making a frame out of his fingers like a director would, watching the action through a framed perspective. In the background, we faintly see his point guard make a dribble move instead of passing to the open cutter. Kinoa yells, “CUT!” and the ref blows the whistle for a timeout. The team congregates around him on the sideline as he takes a pause and says, “That wasn’t good, fellas.” The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Shaquille O’Neal throws down a thunderous dunk and shoves Chris Dudley down onto the ground afterwards. We hear Chris, dressed in street clothes, yell out “Hey man, I’m just here to watch the game!” Walt Frazier and Bobby Jones are putting on a full court press. Frazier gets a steal and passes it to Jones for an overly fundamental lay-up. Kyrie Irving is seen doing a complex sequence of dribble moves and going nowhere while Samuel Dalembert watches solemnly from under the basket. Nicolas Batum lights a cigarette with a $100 bill while Kemba Walker looks at him in disgust. JaVale McGee is running back to play on defense while the rest of the team is still on offense. Marvin Williams and Bill Bridges are boxing out on a free throw attempt so Russell Westbrook can get an uncontested rebound. Amir Johnson checks in, blocks a shot, grabs the rebound, and dunks it home on the other end, only to be immediately benched afterward.

Narrator: “This is kinoa1. You might know him as the owner with the highest owner rating in simleague basketball history. After hovering near the top of the standings all season long, but never quite reaching the pinnacle, kinoa1 made a late season push to close the gap between himself and pexetera.”

Cut to talking head of kinoa1.
kinoa1: “I’m feeling pretty good about being in that second slot heading into the playoffs. Only one point behind and I have the best player in the whole league in Shaq. I think I can do some damage.”

Narrator: “What would have to happen for you to win the SAVAGE crown?”

kinoa1: “Well I’m going to have to win at least one league outright and probably two. I think pex will probably win one, so I’ll have to win one more than he does.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

kinoa1: “pexetera. If I can’t win more championships than him, he will stay in the lead. So, not only do I have to be well, I have to be better than him. There’s no crown for second place.”

A clip from a game against ashamael’s team plays, Walt Frazier and Bobby Jones are putting a savage off-ball double-team on Klay Thompson who can’t break free. The Big O takes advantage and drives straight to the basket for a dunk. Kinoa3 yells, “CUT!” The players walk up to him as we hear him say, “Don’t worry so much about Klay...we need to focus on the Oscar.” We zoom back in on him as he yells “ACTION!”

Narrator: “Can kinoa1, the owner with the highest all-time owner record, stay on top? Or will the savageness of this league give him his first taste of second place?”

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame.


[32:20-35:20]
The square in the lower right regains its color, and we zoom in until the square takes up the whole image. The rousing solo bugle call, “To the Colors” starts to play faintly in the background. The camera focuses on the coach - a cocksure man wearing army fatigues and drill sergeant gear. His players are stepping in unison down the court. The coach yells “WHO’S NUMBER ONE?!” The players respond in unison: “YOU’RE NUMBER ONE!” The coach yells “WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE DRIVE TO THE BASKET?!” The players yell “DUNK!” The coach yells “WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE RUN THE BREAK?!” The players respond “DUNK!” The coach barks “WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE’RE OPEN AT THE THREE POINT LINE?!?” The players yell “DUNK!!!!” The camera turns from the coach and we take in different clips from the season. Charles Barkley is steamrolling ahead on the fast break. He goes right by a smaller player, before finishing with a power move over the opposing center. Shawn Kemp throws down a monster dunk, taunting his opponent afterwards. Andrei Kirilenko is seen walking around with an actual Hall Pass on a string around his neck. Clint Capela nails a one-handed bank shot from the restricted area. We then see him get chewed out by the coach for not dunking. Alvin Robertson and Jimmy Butler double team an opponent and get a steal. Enes Kanter, Brandan Wright, and Ed Davis all dunk in a quick montage. Darrell Armstrong blows a wide-open dunk. Mark Jackson tosses an oop to Nerlens Noel for a monster dunk. Next to him, pexetera looks at the scoreboard, pumps his fist, and sits down. We zoom back in on him and we hear him mutter, “Time to post those standings and let everyone know I’m still number one.”

Narrator: “This is pexetera. A semi-retired man turned drill sergeant. After an early season slump, enigmatic star Charles Barkley voiced his frustrations with the team and his coach.”

Cut to a Charles Barkley post game press conference.
Charles Barley: “Thank you for coming. I'm happy to answer any questions.”
Ernie Johnson: “So why do you think your teams lost today?”
Charles Barkley: “We had black guys who sucked. That’s hard to do. We were the only organization in WIS who could find black guys who couldn’t play.”
Ernie Johnson: “Well, the other team’s stars scored more points than you.”
Charles Barkley: “Maybe I’m old school, but I’m never going to like that little girly basketball where you have to outscore people. I’m biased against girl basketball.”
Ernie Johnson: “What do you say to your critics who say you're not working hard enough in practice?”
Charles Barkley: “If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she’s ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can’t play a lick. Same thing.”
Ernie Johnson: “What do you say about pexetera still being able to keep his job as GM and coach of the team?”
Charles Barkley: “pexeteretarata must have pictures of his boss’s wife having sex with a monkey.”
Ernie Johnson: “Rumor has it that pexetera has you guys running suicides into the night, even after games. Is that true?
Charles Barkley: “Coach said he wants us to condition and I thought he was making a bald joke at me. He said no, he wants us to run and jump better. Well I told him, a deer can do all that, but you wouldn’t put a deer in the game. What I look like? Air Bud?”
Ernie Johnson: “And did that work?”
Charles Barkley: “Well that night I went home to my daughter. Now everytime I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until she’s old enough to do that stuff herself. I started doing the exercises and I hate it but now we’re winning and I like that part.
Ernie Johnson: “Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort.”
Charles Barkley: “20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also. All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine.”
Ernie Johnson: “Did you ever graduate from Auburn?”
Charles Barkley: “No, but I have a couple people working for me who did. When I was recruited at Auburn, they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements.”
Ernie Johnson: “How do you feel about your upcoming game against the Raging Bulls?”
Charles Barkley: “I don’t know nothin’ about no Bulls, but the Bulls are in a lot of trouble.”

Narrator: “It wasn’t just the Bulls who were in trouble. Immediately after this now famous press conference, pexetera went on a tear. By the 15 game mark, he was in 1st place. A lead that never wavered for more than one set of games. Despite a late season push by kinoa1, pexetera is leading the point total heading into the playoffs.”

Cut to talking head of pexetera:
pexetera: “Charles kinda lit a fire on this whole team. That’s why you draft a guy like him. He’s never satisfied. Whether it’s fried chicken or winning basketball games, he always wants more.”

Narrator: “What would have to happen for you to win the SAVAGE crown?”

pexetera: “I just can’t lose focus. I’ve had the best teams the whole season. Time to bring home that crown.”

Narrator: “What’s one thing that could keep you from winning it all?”

pexetera: “Nothing. I got this in the bag.”

The camera cuts to a post-game set of victory suicide drills. The players are running down the court full speed. Pexetera shouts, “I DON’T KNOW BUT I’VE BEEN TOLD,” as the players yell back, “EVERY TEAM WILL LOSE TO GOLD.”

Narrator: “Can pexetera hold his regular season lead and become the SAVAGE King? Or will the playoffs prove too savage for the current points leader?

The image pauses and the screen turns black and white. The camera slowly zooms out until the grid and all six squares are now back in the frame. The entire grid starts to fade into black.


[35:20-42:00]
The league standings fill up the screen:

Owner	Pts
pexetera	268
kinoa1	267
benhoidal	253
mptrey	248
dBKC	244
dh555	233
tarheel1991	218
ysw128	211
jcred5	209
robusk	203
jpevans31	203
copernicus	203
24kpyrite	200
20ks	198
goetz93	197
ashamael	195
pharrop	194
gerryred	190
jhsukow	186
dskantor	181
samuelyork93	175
bds9992	160
longtallbrad	159
amerk1180	125

Narrator: “The regular season was over. A strong finish by mptrey pushed him over dBKC and into fourth, threatening to pass benhoidal. kinoa1 briefly overtook pexetera for first place before an 0-5 finish on the last set of games, his first 0-5 of the season, dropped him back to second place heading in to the playoffs”

The scoreboard fades and is replaced by the World Wide Sports Complex in Orlando. The camera zooms into the TNT studio where we can see Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, Shaquille O’Neal, and Charles Barkley.

Ernie Johnson: “So as we all know, the official league MVP is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, but I thought it would be fun if we talked about who we each think the league MVP should be.”

Charles Barkley: “You know, I’ve always thought the MVP award should go to the best player on the best team. Always thought that. I forget, who the best team again?”

Shaquille O’Neal: “It’s you, but only because my coach tanked the last five games to rest for the playoffs. He must have felt sorry for you.”

Charles Barkley: “Rings, Shaq. Rings.”

Kenny Smith: “You guys are just lucky I uh, chose not to play.”

Ernie Johnson: “Kenny, you know you’re actually in this thing? pharrop drafted you in the tenth round.”

Kenny Smith: “You mean I’ve had five clones of myself running around this whole time?”

Ernie Johnson: “We’ve been making jokes since the draft about you not being good enough for this league and we didn’t even notice that you were on a roster.”

The tension dies as Shaq and Charles start cracking up at Kenny’s expense.

Ernie Johnson: “Okay, settle down boys. Let’s get back to the subject at hand. Okay, Charles it sounds like you voted for yourself. Shaq, it sounds like you voted for yourself too?“

Shaquille O’Neal: “No I just said I was better than numbnuts over here. I’m gonna go with Kareem. The big fella. But we’re both better than Chuck.”

Ernie Johnson: “Okay, great pick. Kareem definitely proved why he was the number one overall pick this season. Great showing. Kenny who do you have?”

Kenny Smith: “Well I’m a little surprised that he’s still able to get it done even without me out there, but I’m gonna go with Hakeem.”

Charles Barkley: “Kenny, that’s a turrible pick. His teams are only up there with mine because he’s playing with Dr. J. Can you imagine if I got to play with Dr J?!”

Shaquille O’Neal: “We don’t have to imagine. You did play with Dr. J. And you didn’t do a damn thing. Hell I’d even take Dwite Howard over your raggedy self, and I hate that wannabe.”

Ernie Johnson: “Okay lots of votes for the big men. Let’s switch up the conversation. Who do you guys think was the best guard this season?”

Charles Barkley: “Look, James Harden might have gotten some MVP votes, but no one wants to read those damn play-by-plays when he’s on the court. I want to read play-by-plays that are EXCITING. Michael Jordan slams it home! Not James Harden makes FT 1-of-1...James Harden makes FT 2-of-2. That’s boring. Give me Mike all day.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Give me Harden. I don’t care if FTs are boring. He makes a lot of them and his teams win because of it.”

Charles Barkley: “You wouldn’t know a free throw if it slapped you in the face, Shaq.”

Kenny Smith: “I’m going to go with a classic PG. James Harden is a better scorer, but playing point is all about making your teammates happy and I know people have to hate playing with Harden. Give me Chris Paul. He reminds me a little of myself.”

Charles Barkley: “Reminds you of you? Does he have bad takes too? Look, this ain’t a jump shooters league. Jump shooting teams can’t win. Look at my team. Pexeteretarat, or whatever his name is had the right idea. We’re the best team in the league and we ain’t make a single 3 pointer all year. Give me whatever point guard is going to pass me the ball.”

Ernie Johnson: “And of course, no one is going to ask me what I think. Okay, moving on to some of the other awards. Coach of the Year has to be pexetera right? kinoa1 is certainly in the discussion as well but that 0-5 choke job might still be fresh on the voters minds.”

Charles Barkley: “pexeteretarata drafted a lot of good defenders around me so I wouldn’t have to play on that end. That’s good coaching.”

Ernie Johnson: “What would you know about defense Charles?”

Charles Barkley: “Well, I wouldn’t know anything about it personally, but I’ve heard about it through the grapevine.”

Ernie Johnson: “Speaking of defense, who should win Defensive Player of the Year?”

Charles Barkley: “Give it to the guy playing with young Chuck out there in Omaha locking people down so that I can focus on getting buckets. Andre Kerrykinkos.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “None of these centers are stopping the Shaq Attack, I’m going to go with a guard. MJ. He had to adjust to these modern hand check rules and fools pulling up from half court, but now he’s in his groove.”

Kenny Smith: “So wait, I’m in this tournament? How am I doing?”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Actually, I change my vote. I’m going with Kenny. He hasn’t allowed a point all year, because he don’t leave the bench.”

Ernie Johnson: “Okay, settle down boys.”

Charles Barkley: “Actually I’m going with Ernie, cause he’s always coming to Kenny’s defense.”

Kenny Smith: “I’m going with Hakeem. Best big man of all time!” He looks smugly at the camera, appearing to be proud of his jab.

Ernie Johnson: “Okay let’s move to the next award.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Rookie of the year?”

Ernie Johnson: “Shaq, they’re all rookies...I think. Well no, let’s move to All-NBA teams. Looks like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Julius Erving, Kevin Garnett, Oscar Robertson and James Harden made the 1st team. Hakeem Olajuwon, Karl Malone, Charles Barkley, Kobe Bryant, and Michael Jordan made the 2nd team. Shaquille O’Neal, Larry Bird, Kevin Durant, Magic Johnson, and Gary Payton round up the third team.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “The first-team is the worst.”

Charles Barkley: “What team is Kenny on?”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Wasn’t I third in MVP votes? I got robbed. This is Steve Nash all over again. How’d Chuck get on the 2nd team anyway?”

Charles Barkley: “Don’t feel bad. This list is turrible. James Harden is above MJ and Kobe so something’s clearly wrong. You should have definitely been on the second team, Shaq...and I shoulda been on the first.”

Ernie Johnson: “Interesting tidbit when we compare draft position to All-NBA votes. Kobe Bryant was a 3rd round pick yet was one of the top 10 players according to this. benhoidal used the last pick in the 1st to get the 2nd team Center, and a 2nd round pick to get a first teamer!”

Shaquille O’Neal: “That’s the guy they call the sim devil. How’d he cheat this time?”

Charles Barkley: “He probably did some dumb nerd stuff.”

Ernie Johnson: “Okay, well that’s it for the official awards, but we did have a few of our own awards to hand out, voted by you the fans. Here they are…”

The following graphic shows on the screen:

Award _______________________Winner__________Runner-ups
Funniest Forum Commentary:______dBKC__________robusk/Charles Barkley
Worst Commentary: _____________Charles Barkley __Shaquille O’Neal/Kenny Smith
Biggest Homer:_________________Bill Simmons ____bds9992/Charles Barkley
Best Value Pick: ________________Ed Davis________Amir Johnson/Tree Rollins
Worst Value Pick:_______________Nikola Jokic______Dennis Rodman/Ray Allen
Most SAVAGE World:____________World 3_________The real world/World 5
Back In My Day Award:___________amerk1180______ashamael/dh555
Most Likely To Drop A Fire Album:__ bds9992________Damian Lillard/dBKC
Most Likely to “Draw Contact”:_____ Wilt Chamberlain _James Harden/Doris Burke
Most Likely to Fail Their Drug Test:__longtallbrad _____Bill Walton/J.R. Smith

The graphic fades back to the TNT studio.

Ernie Johnson: “Somehow all three of you got votes for worst commentary.”

Charles Barkley: “Yeah, but there’s only one #1!”

Ernie Johnson: “You know that’s a bad thing, right?”

Charles Barkley: “I’m not paid to be a role model.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Yeah, you’re paid to be a commentator.”

Ernie Johnson: “Alright, well now it’s time for our playoff predictions. Chuck, you want to start us off? Who will be the SAVAGE KING?”

Charles Barkley: “My team has been number one all season, and we have the best player. We are winning all four leagues. I’m going with pexeteretaratatatas.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Well, you’re right about the best player winning this thing. That’s why Carona will be king.”

Kenny Smith: “Well if you guys are right about the best player being crowned then my boy Hakeem will be leading the way to another benhoidal title.”

Ernie Johnson: “I like mptrey. Listening to all that Kendrick Perkins and Lamar Odom music is sure to motivate that team.”

Kenny Smith: “So no one likes dBKC or dh555?”

Charles Barkley: “Do either of them have me? No? Then, No.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “C’mon, dh555 has the big fella. He’s gotta have a chance. That skyhook goes ‘Yak-yak.’”

Ernie Johnson: “What was that Shaq?”

Shaquille O’Neal: “You know, the sound the net makes when the ball goes through. ‘Yak-yak.’”

Charles Barkley: “That’s the sound of the crowd throwing up after you shoot your free throws.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “That’s the sound you make when you choke in the playoffs, big boy. Congrats on winning the regular season. We all know you gonna choke when that $50 is on the line.”

The screen fades black and words are written in big white block letters:

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 3 - THE PLAYOFFS...

Episode 13: Let’s Get SAVAGE Part 3

[0:00-0:15]
A series of clips from the regular season play. Larry Bird and Julius Erving are throwing fists. Shaquille O’Neal and Charles Barkley are charging each other at full speed, fists raised high. ashamael and benhoidal are screaming in each others faces, spit flying.
Narrator: "What if I told you, that the SAVAGERY was just getting started?”

[0:15-0:30]
Faces of the remaining owners flash briefly across our screen in reverse order of regular season finish ending with kinoa1 and pexetera, all with the silhouette of a golden crown faintly glowing over their heads.
Narrator: “What if I told you, that only one would be SAVAGE enough?”

[0:30-0:40]
The screen goes pitch black. A single spot light appears near the top of the screen. The camera focuses in and we see a large gold crown, ornate with jewels descending from the rafters of an arena. The crown lands on a pile of crumpled $1 bills at mid-court. There looks to be about 50 or so bills in total.
Narrator: "What if I told you, about the SAVAGE KING?”

[0:40-1:00]
Image fades into the 30-for-30 logo which is inside a large outline of a crown. Short opening credits sequence plays.


[1:00-5:30]
Scene opens to the TNT studio with Ernie, Chuck, Shaq, and Kenny. The camera zooms in on Ernie Johnson who is standing to the side and grinning ear to ear.

Ernie Johnson: “It is opening day of the NBA playoffs, and it’s another opportunity to quiz Shaq and Sir Charles on who ended up where in the return of everybody’s favorite grammatically incorrect show…” A skinny showman’s microphone flies up from the bottom of the screen and Ernie catches it in one smooth motion. He pulls his arm back and points it at the camera in a big swinging motion. “Whoooooooo He Play For! Let’s play the game! What do you say Kenny? Hey, what do you say Shaq? Hey hey hey, what do you say Chuckster?”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Kenny, I bet Chuck gets one right.”

Charles Barkley: “Thank you Shaq. Glad you have my back.”

Kenny Smith: “He said you were going to get one right. There’s five questions.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Well last year he didn’t get any right. One is a big improvement.”

Charles Barkley: “That’s right!”

Ernie Johnson: “Here’s the deal. Last year, I felt really good about your chances Chuck. I thought three out of five was doable. It didn’t happen. In fact, you’ve never really got a winning score.”

Charles Barkley: “Ever?”

Ernie Johnson: “Ever.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “He ain’t ever had a winning score in the finals either. May the most handsomest win!”

Ernie Johnson: “You two are on the top two teams in the league. I just got off the phone with SAVAGE commissioner dh555 and we made a little bet. If either of you can get a single one of these right, the playoff scoring system will remain the same. You guys know the current system makes it almost impossible for anyone other than your two teams to win the SAVAGE crown. However, if you guys can’t get a single one right, then dh555 will put more of an emphasis on individual league championships to give more owners a chance.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “I don’t know if I like this Ernie. Corona spent a lot of time perfecting my team for the current rules.”

Charles Barkley: “Oh, come on Shaq. What’s life without a little fun? It don’t matter what the rules are, pixietera going to win the chip no matter what.”

Ernie Johnson: “So, are you ready for the five players for… what’s the name of this show Kenny?”

Kenny Smith: “Who he play for?”

Ernie Johnson: “Here we go! Number 1 is Ed Davis! Who he play for?”

Kenny Smith: “Oh, Charles you cannot possibly get this one wrong.”

Charles Barkley: “...”

Shaquille O’Neal: “That sounds like a robusk guy. I don’t know why.”

Charles Barkley: “No stupid, you’d have to be drugged up to take someone as bad as Ed Davis. Was it longtallbrad?”

Buzzer sounds

Ernie Johnson: “Ooh so close. Actually, Chuck, Ed Davis is on your team. The correct owner is pexetera.”

Charles looks dumbfounded as Kenny shakes his head beside him.

Shaquille O’Neal: “Honestly Chuck, how do you not know your own teammates?”

Charles Barkley: “As long as he passes me the ball, I don’t have to know his name.”

Ernie Johnson: Alright, number 2! Marvin Williams. Who he play for?”

Shaquille O’Neal: “...”

Kenny Smith: “Are you guys serious?”

Charles Barkley: “That’s the whitest name I ever heard. I’m going with amerk1180.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Is he on Chuck’s team too?”

Buzzer sounds

Ernie Johnson: “Marvin Williams is on your team Shaq. The correct owner is kinoa1.”

Kenny Smith: “You guys are unbelievable.”

Charles Barkley: “Guess you don’t know your teammates either huh Shaq?”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Is that the guy who’s always getting me water?”

Ernie Johnson: “Number 3 is Domantas Sabonis! Who he play for?”

Charles Barkley: “That’s a made up name!”

Shaquille O’Neal: “I thought it was Arvydas?”

Kenny Smith: “Domantas is Arvydas’ son.”

Charles Barkley: “They’re cloning peoples’ kids now?”

Shaquille O’Neal: “I remember playing against Arvydas. They used to call me the Big Deporter because I kept sending all the foreign centers home. Pretty sure he’s on longtallbrad’s team.”

Charles Barkley: “I’ll go with longtallbrad too. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”

Buzzer sounds

Ernie Johnson: “No, the correct owner was copernicus. longtallbrad did have Arvydas, but that’s not who we were guessing. Number 4 is an easy one. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Who he play for?”

Shaquille O’Neal: “The big fella. He must have gone first overall”

Charles Barkley: “No, I took Allen Iverson first.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Pretty sure I remember someone rigged the lottery to get the first pick. Must have been that Sim Devil. I’m going with benhoidal.”

Charles Barkley: “longtallbrad?”

Buzzer sounds

Ernie Johnson: “No, the correct owner was dh555. Alright, last chance or the playoff points get switched to give other owners a chance. Number 5 is Kenny Smith! Who he play for?”

Kenny Smith: “Oh come on guys, we just talked about this last episode.”

Charles Barkley: “Kenny, you didn’t even know you were on a team for the entire regular season.”

Kenny Smith: “...”

Ernie Johnson: “Okay guys, who you got? You need this one to keep the playoff points the same. Who Kenny play for?”

Charles Barkley: “This one has to be longtallbrad. You’d have to be drugged up to put Kenny on your team.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “dBKC? He likes point guards with lots of turnovers.”

Buzzer sounds.

Kenny Smith: “C’mon man.”

Ernie Johnson: “The correct owner there was pharrop. I guess this is why we only play this game once a year.”

Kenny Smith: “Give them the same five guys next week and I guarantee you they won’t get them right. Heck do it ten minutes from now.”

Ernie Johnson: “Chuck, who does Ed Davis play for?”

Charles Barkley: “...”

Kenny Smith: “He doesn’t know!!!”

Charles Barkley: “That’s the guy on Shaq’s team right?”

Ernie Johnson: “No, Chuck. He’s on your team. Unbelievable. Well, there you go folks. Charles and Shaq get them all wrong and the playoff points will be changed to put more of an emphasis on individual World championships. This was ‘Who He Play For?’ Next time you see us will be after the finals.”

The studio zooms out as the camera fades.


[5:30-8:00]
Scene opens to a podcast booth full of sports memorabilia. David Jacoby is in a zip up sweater and has an inappropriately large smile on his face. Jalen Rose is in all black and is holding a baseball bat.

David Jacoby: “Have you ever had a beef so bad you wanted to throw hands after a basketball game?”

Jalen Rose: “First of all, I don’t condone violence. I don’t support negative energy. But sometimes, you out there, champagning and campaigning, and stuff gets a little hairy. That’s why I got to carry this bat. So yes, but I never did because…”

David Jacoby: “Whatever you are about to say, don’t get fired.”

Jalen Rose: “I ain’t about to pay those fines!”

David Jacoby: “There we go.”

Jalen Rose: “It makes me think about the five guys that if you were in a Whatifsports dark alley, you would want this guy on your side.”

Jacoby frowns. “Sure. You got a list?”

Jalen Rose: “Absolutely. You know what we do here. WE GOT TO GIVE THE PEOPLE… GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT! I’ll call it my Fab Five.”

Jacoby chuckles.

Jalen Rose: “No Particular order. longtallbrad! Aka Big mofo Brad. My guy is 6’5”. 260. Practicin’ all the martial arts. LTB will mess you up.”

David Jacoby: “I love this.”

Jalen Rose: “After this is when it gets hard. Like 90% of these dudes are 5’7” and under.”

David Jacoby: “Yup.”

Jalen Rose: “mptrey. He’s Canadian. He is working in warehouses. He is country strong.”

David Jacoby: “I like what you are doing here.”

Jalen Rose: “bds9992…”

David Jacoby: “You lost me. Have you seen that dude? Looks soft as hell and he is a musician.”

Jalen Rose: “I know, but hear me out. Do you know how persistent that guy can be? He once sitemailed robusk 13 times in a day trying to justify his terrible perimeter defense. He will post borderline manifestos that have no relationship to the truth whatsoever. That dude is absolutely relentless. We need some of that scrappiness on this team.”

David Jacoby: “Okay, okay. Not sure I’m with you there, but I guess that makes some sense.”

Jalen Rose: “ashamael. That dude is super into death metal.”

David Jacoby: “Actually, I think it’s prog metal…”

Jalen Rose: “Doesn’t matter, he has been in plenty of mosh pits and he knows that Mastadon sucks.”

David Jacoby: “Checks out.”

Jalen Rose: “And finally gerryred. That dude has red hair.”

David Jacoby: “What the…?”

Jalen Rose: “People with red hair require orders of magnitude more anesthesia than normal people. You can’t knock ‘em out.”

David Jacoby: “benhoidal was a college athlete.”

Jalen Rose: “He was a three point shooter. You don’t see me putting Kyle Korver on this team.”

David Jacoby: “What about robusk? Also a great athlete, an outdoorsman, and he went to the Army’s unarmed combat school. No love for him?”

Jalen Rose: “Nah. No offense to the ladies out there, but robusk is a bi***. And everyone else, they’re 5’5”.

David Jacoby: “Don’t get fired.”


[8:00-13:20]
Scene opens to a zoom chat between Zach Lowe, Rachel Nichols and Howard Beck. Zach is wearing a Croatia soccer jersey and fishing hat, and holding up a craft beer in a purple can. Howard Beck hasn’t shaved or combed his hair in weeks. He is wearing a grubby t-shirt and holding up a can of light beer in a beer cozy. Rachel Nichols seems to be the only one who realizes they are on camera and is holding up a glass of red wine.

A slow brass crescendo plays off screen and a pleasant woman’s voice says: “And now, the Lowe Post.”

Zach Lowe: “Welcome to… the Lowe Post. This is a very special edition of the Lowe Post podcast where it is July, and it is the night time, and once a year, when those things are true, two very special people and I get together and have drinks and talk about basketball. One of them is Howard Beck of Bleacher Report, and the other is current SAVAGE bubble resident Rachel Nichols of ESPN. We obviously can’t do this in person this year, but we can still drink and still hold our podcast. So, let’s start it off with the three most notorious words in all of podcasting, ‘What up Beck?’”

Howard Beck: “What’s going on Zach? I’m doing well, but I feel like I need to inaugurate this the right way, hang on.” He cracks open his beer and takes a swig. Rachel Nichols yells, “Yeaahh.”

Rachel Nichols: “I’m going classy with my glass of wine. I’m here just to make sure Zach is actually drinking and not chickening out.”

Howard Beck: “What about me?”

Rachel Nichols: “No one doubts you’ve been drinking since you woke up this morning.”

Zach Lowe: “Rachel, you are in the bubble.”

Rachel Nichols: “I am.”

Zach Lowe: “Howard and I are not in the bubble. A couple of questions: Does your room have a balcony? Do you have a restaurant item named after you at any establishment you want to alert us to? Can you speak to the quality of food at any local gentlemen’s establishments? Have any NBA players been knocking on your door way too late at night?”

Rachel Nichols: “No balcony. I do have a drink named after me and it may or may not be at a strip club sponsoring one of 24kpyrite’s teams.”

Howard Beck: “Have you got drunk with any of the players?”

Rachel Nichols: “No Howard, these are finely tuned professional athletes, you’re the only sloth here.”

Zach Lowe: “Let’s move on to the games. There are five game sevens tonight to close out round one. Before we got on this zoom call, I had you guys each rank them 1-5 for how excited you are for each of them. We’re going to get to that. But first, I want each of you to give your favorite and least favorite moment of the first round so far.”

Howard Beck: “Rachel, you want to go first? I’m going to go first. I’ll start with my least favorite moment by far, which happened just this morning in World 1, and that was benhoidal tanking game 6 against dBKC to give his guys more energy for game 7. Hate when guys do that. dB plays his guys full minutes expecting to get a good game, and ben just pulls out the rug. I did like that benhoidal’s 55 win team in World 4 with the two co-MVPs got upset in five by tarheel’s 38 win team though. That’s probably my favorite moment.”

Zach Lowe: “That was by far the most shocking playoff series so far.”

Rachel Nichols: “I love all the drama surrounding that benhoidal and dBKC series. My favorite moment has probably been the Lou Bega look-alike contest at halftime of that game 6.”

Zach Lowe: “I’ve heard Hakeem Olajuwon jerseys are already sold out for tonight’s game 7. Did you guys see Hakeem’s tik-tok video that went viral today? Let me pull it up for you.”

He pulls out a grainy video on his phone of Hakeem singing:

"My dream shake brings all the boys to the yard,
and my life, it's better than yours.
Damn right, it's better than yours.
I can teach you, but I’d have to charge."

Rachel Nichols: “Okay I change my answer, that’s my favorite moment. Least favorite? Probably in World 3 where kinoa1 swept mptrey. That ‘To Pimp a Butterfly’ team was my sleeper pick. Only team to get swept in all 20 playoff series.”

Zach Lowe: “Okay, let’s get to the five game 7s. In World 1, we have benhoidal vs. dBKC. In World 3, we have ashamael vs. tarheel1991. In World 4, we have dh555 vs. jpevans31 and robusk vs. goetz 93. In World 5, we have ashamael vs. 20ks. Alright, we each have our lists in order by how excited we are for each match-up. How do you guys want to do this? Top to bottom, or start with the least exciting?”

Rachel Nichols: “Let’s end with our top match-up.”

Zach Lowe: “Alright, so Howard, do you want to start with your least exciting match-up?”

Howard Beck: “My number 5 is the robusk vs. goetz93 game. The stakes are just too low. Neither owner has a shot at the SAVAGE crown and I don’t really think either team has a chance to win World 4. Winner plays kinoa1’s 59 win juggernaut. Whoever wins, they're going home next round.”

Rachel Nichols: “I had that match-up 4th on my list. I like robusk’s chances of winning a little better than you do. I know he hasn’t had the best showing, but I never bet against robusk in the SIM.”

Zach Lowe: “I also had that match-up 4th. So now I’m curious Rachel who you had 5th?”

Rachel Nichols: “I had the other World 4 game with dh555 and jpevans31.”

Zach Lowe: “Me too! Not a lot of love for World 4 in the first round. What about that game doesn’t excite you much?”

Rachel Nichols: “It’s not necessarily about that game, it’s more that I’m much more excited about the other three games. Both dh and jp have two other teams alive so this doesn’t feel like a must win. dh is still technically in the running for the crown, but it’s almost impossible at this point.”

Howard Beck: “That was number 4 for me, so we must have the same top 3?”

Zach Lowe: “I think we actually may all have the same top match-up, but I’m really curious about the order of 2 and 3.”

Rachel Nichols: “I have both of ash’s playoff series here at 2 and 3. I can’t believe it, but ash might be completely out of the playoffs if he loses both games tonight. I had his game against 20ks in World 5 at number 3 and his game against tarheel in World 3 at number 2.”

Zach Lowe: “Ooh me too. I’m really curious as to why you had them in that order.”

Rachel Nichols: “Well I really want to see that ash vs. ben matchup in World 3. If anyone can take down ben’s 64 win team, it has to be ash right?”

Howard Beck: “I never really thought about that. I had those two match-ups switched, but now I want to change it. How poetic would it be if it was ash who defeated ben’s best shot at a title or ben’s team that ended ash’s SAVAGE dreams?”

Zach Lowe: “I guess that means we all have the same number 1 match-up to watch. benhoidal vs. dBKC in World 1. This one has major implications for the top of the leader-board. benhoidal tanked game 6 to save his energy for this one and needs it badly to stay with mptrey in their quest for third place. dBKC is right behind those two and needs this game to keep all 4 of his playoff teams in the hunt. ben might need it even more so he doesn’t drop to just two teams. This will be a big blow to either owner's championship hopes. Who you guys got in this one?”

Howard Beck: “dB by 20. Karma to benhoidal for resting his guys.”

Rachel Nichols: “I got benhoidal. Home court advantage plus rested guys. I think Hakeem’s going to have a big game.”

Zach Lowe: “Rachel and Howard, I really love doing this with you guys. It’s great to have a beer with you and discuss basketball.”

Rachel Nichols: “Zach, you didn’t even take a sip.”

Zach Lowe: “Thank you guys for doing this, it’s good to see you both. Let’s hope for some good games tonight!”

The Zoom meeting fades out, but not before we just barely hear Howard Beck say: “Thanks Zach, can’t wait for the games and to run into you at the food co-op again some day soon.”


[13:20-18:50]
The Jump
Scene opens to a clip of mptrey giving an interview: “Oh baby, we’re going for that podium placement!” Scene fades into short opening sequence for ESPN’s ‘The Jump’.

Rachel Nichols appears in front of the camera in her “home” studio in the Orlando bubble.

Rachel Nichols: “Welcome to the Jump! I’m Rachel Nichols. I am quarantined in the SAVAGE bubble in Orlando and today I’m going to be breaking down the current state of the SAVAGE league after one round and previewing round two. Here are the current overall standings after round 1.”

The following image appears to her right:


Rachel Nichols: “kinoa1 has re-taken the overall points lead from pexetera, but the two of them are still in a dog fight for first place. Mptrey has overtaken benhoidal for third place by a point. This is the highest placement for mptrey on the leaderboards since that day one 5-0 showing he had. You could hear his excitement in that opening clip as he, benhoidal, and dBKC appear to be battling for the third spot on the podium. Today, I’ve prepared five ‘Mad Minutes’ for you, one minute for each of the five SAVAGE Worlds.”

An image of the Earth with a big number 1 appears over her right shoulder.

Rachel Nichols: “In World 1, there was some drama last night after benhoidal tanked the morning game 6 to rest his starters for a key game 7 matchup between himself and dBKC. Mambo #1 responded with big games from James Harden and Jerry West and were up 3 with just 2 minutes left. Julius Erving had fouled out earlier on the first play of the fourth quarter and Mambo fans were riled up. However, benhoidal was in his famous 3-point offense and no lead was safe. After an Alonzo Mourning carry with a minute left, Terry Porter hit a big three to take the lead for good and Hakeem Olajuwon made 5 of his 6 free throws down the stretch to seal the deal. Hakeem ended with 37 points. Heading into round 2, the key matchup is between this benhoidal team and mptrey’s section.80 which has the best record in the league. This could be a huge swing series as far as podium positioning goes. It’s hard to see how benhoidal’s team has much of a chance going up against the 86-87 Magic led top seed, but never discount benhoidal’s ability to tank his way to the top! kinoa1 plays tarheel1991 in the other eastern conference series where kinoa1 will try to stay atop the standings. On the other side of the bracket, we have four owners in the 6-12 range of the standings jockeying for position. dh555 looks to defend his 1 seed against 24kpyrite and stay in the top 6. 4 of 24k’s strip clubs have gone bottom up, but one is still in pole position. jcred5 vs. jpevans31 is a battle between two 48 win teams. All four teams in the West are between 47 and 48 wins and it’s anyone’s guess on who will make the finals.”

An image of the Earth with a big number 2 appears over her right shoulder.

Rachel Nichols: “The 2nd round for World 2 has been set for a while as it was the only world with no game 7 matchups in round 1. The key matchup here in round 2 has to be dBKC vs. mptrey. This is one of two 2nd round matchups between these two teams and the outcomes of these two series is going to tell us a lot about how these owners finish in the standings, this could very well determine who finishes 4th and who finishes 5th. dB’s Mambo #2 has the best record in the East and is led by the best seasons of both its star players, James Harden and Rudy Gobert. They’re going to be a tough out. The other Eastern conference battle is between benhoidal and goetz93. Both teams had the exact same record at 51-31, so it could come down to who tanks more strategically. Ben did get a bye due to being in an easier division, however. That bye might be the difference in this series. On the other side of the bracket, pexetera and his league best 59 win team will play jpevans31 and gerryred will play dskantor’s lone team. dskantor has been making waves in these playoffs as his 6 seeded Exodus2 upset kinoa1’s Raging Bulls in a shocking five game series. Smart money has to be on dBKC and pexetera battling it out for the championship in this world.”

An image of the Earth with a big number 3 appears over her right shoulder.

Rachel Nichols: “In World 3, we had one 1st round game 7. ashamael was playing tarheel1991 in a do or die matchup for him. Tarheel1991 took an early lead and led by 7 entering the fourth quarter. As word reached ashamael of a looming defeat in World 5, the Cream was his last hope. The Cream came through in a big way. Klay led all scorers with 29 points, setting up a Dream-Cream matchup with benhoidal. Guys, how many times are you going to make me read the word “Cream”? Let’s move on please. The key series in World 3 has to be between kinoa1 and pexetera. Pexetera has the 56 win 1 seed in the West and needs to defeat kinoa1 here to secure back the points lead. An upset win by kinoa1 here could put him in the lead for good. The winner of that series will play the winner of copernicus and 24kpyrite. copernicus’s 55 win Cthonic Crucible have been waiting for their moment on stage since they first received their first round bye. With a chip on his shoulder, Copernicus has something to prove with his only playoff squad. Bring your earplugs, because the Taiwanese black metallers Cthonic will be playing the halftime show. They plan to release bats in the arena in honor of their successful tour with Ozzfest, which hasn't been in Orlando since 1998. The CDC aren't too happy about the bats, but since they're not being served for dinner, it should be alright. On the other side of the bracket, the matchup I’m most excited for is ash vs. ben. benhoidal’s 64 win Dr. Dream team had the best regular season record in any world, but if there's anyone who can take him down it’s his rival ashamael. The last matchup is between dh55 and jhsukow. dh555 needs help from other owners if he’s going to rise in the standings, but luckily for him the three owners above him all play each other multiple times. If he can hold home court advantage in series like this one, he stands to climb.”

An image of the Earth with a big number 4 appears over her right shoulder.

Rachel Nichols: “There were two big game 7s in the first round of World 4. robusk has been quietly rising in the standings and rode a big 36-14 4th quarter to defeat goetz93 131-103. Kawhi scored 35 points for the Michael Brown All-Stars while no one on KIDD & PLAY IV scored in the twenties. dh555 defeated jpevans31 116-107 in the other game 7 battle with Kareem leading the way with 24 and 18. No one else scored 20. After a tough 1st quarter for dh555, Captain Savage dominated the rest of the way. The key matchup for round 2 has to be dBKC vs. mptrey in the second round 2 battle between the two contenders. dBKC should have the edge as the rested 1 seed, but don’t count out untitled unmastered. pexetera and dh555 will battle in the other Western Conference matchup. In the East, kinoa1 takes on robusk and longtallbrad will play tarheel1991. kinoa1 had the best team in World 4 all year and has to be the favorite. longtallbrad’s lone team will try to keep him out of the bottom three in the standings. tarheel1991 could make up some much needed ground on dh555 with a win and a loss from the Captain. Both owners are competing for a top 6 finish. robusk will have his work cut out for him against The Departed, but looks to build on the momentum from a big game 7 win.

An image of the Earth with a big number 5 appears over her right shoulder.

Rachel Nichols: “In World 5, 20ks defeated ashamael 131-117 in the lone 1st round game 7. Kevin Garnett led the way with 32 and Penny Hardaway chipped in 28. Oscar Robertson led the way for the Madness with 24. None of the round 2 matchups feature two title contenders, however that doesn’t mean there won’t be some great series. In the West, 20ks and tarheel1991 will hope to upset the twin giants of pexetera and kinoa1. pexetera won 61 regular season games and kinoa1 had 60. Wins by those two juggaurnats could set up the best conference finals matchup in all 5 worlds with major SAVAGE King implications. In the East, mptrey plays pharrop. pharrop’s lone team hopes to upset the 55 win 1 seed, DAMN. to keep pharrop’s dreams alive. And the last matchup is the one I’m most looking forward to. dBKC and Mambo #5 will play robusk and the Eric Garner All-Stars. Just this morning, dB was quoted as saying ‘As long as Mambo #5 wins the championship, I’m happy. This whole thing was an elaborate ruse to get Mambo #5 the props it deserves.’ Immediately afterwards, the legendary Lou Bega stepped up to the podium and delivered a new remix for Mambo #5. Lou gives dB and James Harden credit for reawakening his musical passion. Here’s the clip of what is my new favorite song”

We cut to Lou Bega singing the following to the press:

“Jump up and down and move it all around
Flop your head to the sound
Dribble the ball on the ground
Take one step left and one step right
One to the front and one to the side
Complain to refs once and complain to refs twice
And if he calls a foul then you doing it right

A little bit of traveling in my life...
Fake a little contact when I drive
A few more points is all I need...
give the ball to Harden to shoot more threes....
A little bit of Pex is all I feared
A little bit of glitter in my beard”

We cut back to Rachel Nichols who is dancing along in her hotel room studio.

Rachel Nichols: “Alright, those are our 5 Mad Minutes. Coming up after the break Paul Pierce doubles down on LeBron being outside his top 10, Tracy McGrady will try to stay awake, and Scottie Pippen flip-flops his opinion on the GOAT after being bullied by MJ.”


[18:50-24:35]
Scene opens to a zoom chat between Bill Simmons, Joe House, and robusk. Bill is wearing a grey hoodie with a ‘Varsity Blues’ t-shirt under it. He has an extremely patchy beard that looks like it has taken him two years to grow. House is wearing a wife beater with holes in it and barbeque stains. robusk seems to be the only one who knows they are on camera and is looking at the other two with a distasteful look.

Bill Simmons: “Today’s episode, the first ‘Are We Sure He’s Good?’ podcast, on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK is presented by Roman, a long time supporting sponsor of the Bill Simmons podcast. If you are suffering from baldness, erectile dysfunction, inappropriate longing for 80s childhood actors, narcissism, looking like a ghost on TV or an inability to grow a beard, SUFFER NO MORE! Roman will provide you black market pharmaceuticals produced by underpaid employees with no health benefits in discreet packaging you can hide from your loved ones. AND NOW, my listeners can get 20% off your first purchase by entering BS in the box at the top. Roman: a digital health scam for men, by men. Also, check out our brand new podcasts on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK, all hosted by our white employees who have personal connections to me. Ryen Russillo talks about his adventures in Wyoming in ‘Naked Camping’, Nephew Kyle opens up about how to make it in the entertainment world in ‘A Guide to Nepotism’, and our very own Joe House gets another podcast titled, “Drunk Ramblings’. You can check out all of our Ringer podcasts on Spotify or Apple or wherever you get your podcasts by typing Ringer in the search box at the top. Don’t forget to subscribe. Coming up, our very first ‘Are We Sure He Is Good?’ podcast with MY FRIEND Joe House and a reappearance of simleague basketball owner robusk. I am Bill Simmons and this is the Book of Basketball. And now, an exploitive song where you can hear my son rap over some song he found on iTunes, Melatonin.”

“It’s the book of basketball yall, it’s the book of basketball” *REFEREE WHISTLE*

Bill Simmons: “All right, we have the very first ‘Are We Sure He is Good?’ podcast with Joe House and robusk. This is our second podcast together. We did a REDRAFTABLES Episode covering the SAVAGE draft, and it was our highest rated and most viewed episode of all time.”

Joe House: “You definitely won that draft Podfather!”

robusk: “Didn’t you take Bill Russell first overall?”

Bill Simmons: “Yeah, I think Havlicek falling to me at 7 really put my draft over the top. You came close though House. Really liked a couple of your picks.”

robusk: “House took a guy who was blacklisted 8th and thought I should have taken Wes Unseld 12th.”

Bill Simmons: “All I know is I watch basketball and I understand the secret. Isiah Thomas told it to me at a topless pool in Vegas. Okay, this is how this works. I say someone’s name and then I ask you, ‘Are we sure he is good?’ and then you answer if he is good or not.”

Joe House: “Could you explain that one more time?”

Bill Simmons: “No. So the first guy here is Hassan Whiteside. He’s on the best team in the entire SAVAGE league. benhoidal won 64 games in World 3. Hakeem Olajuwon and the Fish That Saved Pittsburgh going 24th and 25th is a travesty, and they carry this team to first place. Anyways, benhoidal is playing ash in the second round with a chance to completely eviscerate his rival. It’s a do or die nut cruncher of a game 3”

Joe House: “OOH BABY!”

Bill Simmons: “It was really a must win for benhoidal. Hakeem hits what should have been a game winner in overtime with 16 seconds left to put them up by 1. Oscar dribbles down and puts up a prayer at the buzzer, doesn’t even come close. And what does Whiteside do? He fouls him!”

Joe House: “Unbelievable! Basketball perversion!”

Bill Simmons: “Reminded me of Manu doing the same thing against Dirk. So I have to ask. House, robusk, ARE WE SURE HE’S GOOD?”

Joe House: “No! In fact, I am sure he isn’t good! Look, I watched Hassan Whiteside this year. He fouls everyone! Jumps at everything! His coaches sit him in the fourth quarter of games. Why would benhoidal have him in the game there knowing a foul could put the other team at the line?”

robusk: “You guys realize that’s one of the best per minute seasons in the SIM right? 60+ efg% on 20+ usage. Insane rebounding. And he has 100 D. Did you really just say he shouldn’t have been in the game on the final defensive possession?”

Bill Simmons: “robusk, per minute guys have no business in the SAVAGE league.”

robusk: “Well, I guess you got me there. Good burn actually, if you understood why, but you don’t.”

Joe House: “Yeah it’s all about the advanced stats: points per game, rebounds per game, killer instinct.”

robusk: “You know those aren’t adv…”

Bill Simmons: “Exactly! Okay, well since we are all in agreement that Whiteside is not good, let’s move on! The next guy is Karl Malone. Drafted 3rd overall and didn’t even make the playoffs in a single world. I talked to bds992 before the season started and he said he had 5 playoff teams and a couple of contenders. You have a team with that kinda potential and you don’t pull through, you have to start wondering about the best player, right? I mean, I watch basketball. All these millennials nowadays are just looking up basketball reference stats and trying to tell me that Karl frickin Malone should have been a top 3 pick in an all-time draft? Just watch basketball and you’d know he just doesn’t have the killer mentality of someone like Kobe.”

Joe House: “That’s a real advanced stat!”

robusk: “You guys know this is a computer simulation, right? A lot of these stats the engine uses are exactly the same as the ones on basketball reference.”

Bill Simmons: “Alright guys, ARE WE SURE HE’S GOOD?”

Joe House: “Karl FRIGGIN Malone! I’m sure he’s NOT good! Always going to choke in the clutch. Should have taken Magic or Wilt Chamberlain.”

robusk: “Wilt wasn’t even eligible to be drafted, and Magic isn’t anywhere near…”

Bill Simmons: “Magic would have been a great pick! I did TV with him!”

robusk: “Look, Karl Malone was a good pick. Shaq would have been better, but Karl Malone is really good.”

Bill Simmons: “Shaq was like me in college. Could have gotten that 4.0, but had fun and got a 3.3 instead.”

robusk: “What?”

Joe House: “We had fun in college! All those frat parties! We would go to Rascal’s then go hit the all you can eat diner at 4 in the morning with Hench, JBug, Skeetz, Jerko, Sully, Sambone, and Skuzzo. Remember when you slipped drugs in…”

Bill Simmons: “Exactly. Karl Malone is not good. Glad we all agree.”

robusk: “We did NOT all agree. And wait, was House just about to say that you…”

Bill Simmons: “One more before we got to go! Kyrie Irving! He was drafted by kinoa1 in the 4th round. He must not have watched the Celtics the last two years. Ruined a perfect draft too. Shaq, then Clyde Frazier, and then Bobby Jones. Everyone forgets about Bobby Jones, but I watched him play. That guy was good.”

robusk: “Weren’t you like ten when he was in his prime?”

Bill Simmons: “Anyways, Shaq leads kinoa1 to the regular season points lead and then Kyrie starts his locker room dysfunction thing and everything starts to fall apart.”

robusk: “Falling apart? He still has four teams left which is as much as anyone, and he probably will have three or even possibly four advance past this round. He’s got as good a chance as anyone to win this thing.”

Joe House: “I gotta side with the Podfather here.”

Bill Simmons: “robusk, I’m honestly a bit surprised. You do know you’re beating kinoa1’s team in World 4 right? If one of YOUR teams can beat him, there’s got to be something going on off the court.”

robusk: “I’m actually quietly rising in the standings.”

Joe House: “Your teams suck, nerd.”

Bill Simmons: “So guys, ARE WE SURE HE’S GOOD?”

Joe House: “Kyrie is taking kinoa1’s teams down from within, just like he did with those Celtics teams. Probably robbed them of two championships.”

robusk: “Oh come on. Not even you Simmons could believe th…”

Bill Simmons: “Exactly! Can’t win without LeBron, terrible chemistry guy. I’m sorta a body language expert and I can tell you that the other guys do not like playing with Kyrie.”

robusk: “Kyrie has actually been pretty good in all five leagues.”

Bill Simmons: “So we all agree, Kyrie is NOT good.”

Joe House: “We all agree.”

Bill Simmons: “Alright, well that was the first ‘Are We Sure He’s Good?’ podcast for the Book of Basketball 2.0 pod. I liked it. All three of us came to the conclusion that Hassan Whiteside, Karl Malone, and Kyrie Irving are in fact, NOT good. Thanks for listening, don’t forget to check out all the Ringer podcasts on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK.”


[24:35-29:35]
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to an army of men dressed in medieval apparel, decorated with the sigil of a mustang on their shields. The horse, not the car. Their colors are light blue and purple with a cream accent. The army is besieging a castle bedecked with maroon flags ordained with a gold devil. It is winter, and snow is falling in heavy sheets. The army breeches the main gates and storms over the moat and into the castle. They enter the main courtyard which has been taken over by a large basketball court. There are no enemy troops to be seen. The warrior on the lead horse dismounts and removes his helm. It is Lord Ashamael the Forsaken. To his left, a giant man upon a giant horse rides up to Lord Ashamael and removes his own helm and we can see that it is Sir Randy of Savage.

Sir Randy of Savage: “My lord, where are benhoidal’s men? Was this not to be the location of game 6?”

Lord Ashamael the Forsaken shakes his head and as he looks up to Sir Randy of Savage we can see despair in his eyes: “I should have known. The Devil is up to his old tricks. He’s resting his players for game 7.”

As he says this, we hear a roar as maroon and gold soldiers led by Hakeem Olajuwon leap over the inner walls.

We cut to a throne room scene in the heart of world 3. We see King Kinoa1 wearing an armored doublet and a gold crown. Underneath the doublet he is wearing a suit and tie and on his face he has on thick black Scorsese-style glasses. At his feet we see pexetera’s lifeless form. King Kinoa1 turns to his page.

King Kinoa1: “If people ask you what happened here, tell them the King of Comedy still rules the Western lands of World 3. Also, tell them to stop pronouncing my name quinoa.”

We cut to Artis Gilmore, fully decked in armor with a large longsword, banging on a door. “Quick Kawhi, we are being attacked.”

Kawhi Leonard opens the door: “Is this some sort of scheduling mistake? Lord robusk promised me a load management day.”

The scene fades and we are in the Great Fighting Pit of Daznak in the heart of Meereen. We see the bodies of ashamael, 20ks, 24kpyrite, tarheel1991, jpevans31, and longtallbrad strewn on the ground. Standing over them we see the remaining fighters: gerryred, copernicus, jcred5, robusk, dh555, mptrey, dBKC, benhoidal, kinoa1, and pexetera. longtallbrad stands up and we realize he was just sleeping.

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: EPISODE 3: CONFERENCE FINALS.

We enter the throne room in Meereen where Shaquille O’Neal is perched upon the throne wearing a sleek blue dress that is far too small. His bleached blond hair streams behind him and down his back. Next to him stands Walt Frazier and Bobby Jones. Jones is dressed in the traditional battle ware of the Unsullied. Frazier has added an exotic fur trim to his armor and his helm has a wider brim than normal. From behind the throne, Kyrie Irving steps forth wearing a traditional robe of the people of Meereen.

Kyrie Irving: “You stand before Shaquille Largeborn of House Kinoa1, 1st of his name, Breaker of Backboards, King of Nicknames and Destroyer of Jokes, Shaq Daddy to all.”

In front of them stand three men wrapped in monkey pelts. The man in the middle is tall and handsome, but where his eyes should have been are two empty gaping pits. On the back of his pelt is the name ROBINSON. To his left, stands a medium sized man with a goatee and no ears. His pelt says MARION. On the right, is a short man with sandy blonde hair. On his throat is a tattoo of a monkey, his guild’s symbol of a mute. His pelt says PRICE.

The man in the middle steps forward. Walt Frazier and Bobby Jones quickly thrust their spears out, blocking the man’s path to the throne. The man parts his hands and the spears are cast aside despite him never touching them. “Your Grace, you have summoned us here with the promise to restore our order if we can carry out a task for you. What would you have us do, oh Biggest of Shamrocks.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Mbmmbllmbrlwrmblvrm.”

Kyrie Irving: “You are as wise as you are large, your Grace. The Big Aristotle would send you to King’s Landing in World 2, that’s one of the flat ones. You must assassinate the one they call Chuck. No one must know who it was that sent you.”

The goateed man to the left steps forth. He seems to understand, though he has no ears to hear. “Your Grace, Big Cactus, we will depart at once. We will return when the moon shows red. The house of Gerry shall rule once more.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Mbmmbllprvtllbrm.”

Kyrie Irving: “The Big Banana is as kind as he is humble. You shall have his fastest ship. Just make sure it doesn’t fall off the edge.”

The short man with the tattoo steps forward. He eyes the throne for a few seconds, then nods his head. All three of the men disappear into thin air and our screen goes black.

We cut to Charles Barkley, dressed in a flowing red dress, long golden hair cascading down his back. He is sipping wine from a goblet and standing on a balcony of the highest tower of the Red Keep. Behind him, Andrei Kirilenko walks up and hands him a scroll. A slow grin starts to spread across Barkley’s face as he reads the scroll. He walks inside the tower and burns the paper in the fire.

Charles Barkley: “So, my old friend Shaq is sending assassins from the No Evil guild. Just as we predicted. House Kinoa1 may have a slight lead in the standings, but Shaq doesn’t have Dwyane Wade or Kobe Bryant to carry him up and down the court this time. He is getting desperate.”

Andrei Kirilenko: “Your Grace, what would you like us to do about the assassins?”

Charles Barkley: “I received a raven the other day. The letter was unsigned. It told me things about myself that no one could possibly know. It said I was the worst three point shooter in NBA history and that I kissed Dick Bevetta on the lips. It told me the secret to defeating House Gerryred and the No Evil Guild. Get out the brooms.”

We cut to Hakeem Olajuwon and Julius Erving, drabbed in black Night’s Watch cloaks. They are walking North of the Wall and discussing the SAVAGE crown. Snow is falling in sheets around them.

Hakeem Olajuwon: “They say it is between pex or kinoa, but we just need two more championships than them. World 3 is ours. We have to upset kinoa in World 1 and then just take care of business here in World 2. Then the crown will be ours for House benhoidal.”

Julius Erving: “Don’t sleep on dBKC. He’s on a tear. What is it that they say in Winterfell? ‘The Beard is Coming?’”

Hakeem Olajuwon: “I am not scared of facial hair. I am the only Houstonian legend. Wait, where are our horses? They’ve vanished like James Harden in a meaningful playoff game.”

Julius Erving: “Wh-wh-what’s that?”

Upon a hill in the distance a shadowy outline of a figure can be seen. The only distinguishable feature is its eyes. They are bright blue and can be seen clearly even at a distance.

Hakeem Olajuwon: “Is that… is that Alonzo Mourning? Zo, did you want me to teach you those post moves again?”

Hakeem looks over at Erving but the Doctor is staring over the Dream’s shoulder, frozen in terror. Hakeem turns around and we see an icy Rudy Gobert standing over them with piercing blue eyes and icicles frozen to his beard. His hand is holding a great long broom and with one sweep, Erving is lying on the ground in two. Hakeem stumbles away in terror. He keeps turning his head back as he runs and he scrambles right into something large and unmoving. As he backs up to look at whatever it is that he hit, the camera follows his gaze. We slowly see the form of an undead bear wearing a Rocket’s jersey, meat rotting off its corpse. It’s Clutch, the mascot. A hooded rider dismounts and as he takes off his hood, we see the piercing icy blue eyes of James Harden. The camera flips to Hakeem Olajuwon’s trembling lip and then back to Harden. As we zoom in on his icy beard, three ice snakes slither out. They inch towards the camera and as they lash out, our image goes black.

We hear the roaring sound of a crowd cheering and we fade into the Great Fighting Pit of Daznak in the heart of Meereen. We see the bodies of jcred5, gerryred, copernicus, robusk, and mptrey strewn on the ground. Standing over them we see the remaining fighters: longtallbrad, dh555, benhoidal, dBKC, pexetera, and kinoa1.

We fade to black as white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.


[29:35-32:00]
Quick opening montage plays ending with the logo for Always Late with Katie Nolan. Scene opens on Katie Nolan sitting in an individual booth with a screen behind her showing the show’s logo. A live audience is in attendance.

Katie Nolan: “Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Always Late. I’m Katie Nolan and we are coming to you from inside the Orlando SAVAGE bubble. Guys, we have a great show for you tonight, so let’s get right into it. We have 6 owners who still have teams alive and we are going to do a quick dive into each one, but first here are the current league point standings along with how many teams each owner has remaining entering the finals of each world.”

The following chart appears in an image box above her right shoulder:

Owner	Points	Teams
kinoa1	355	3
pexetera	342	1
dBKC	322	3
benhoidal	317	1
mptrey	294	0
dh555	289	1
tarheel1991	256	0
jpevans31	237	0
jcred5	233	0
robusk	233	0
24kpyrite	224	0
copernicus	223	0
goetz93	217	0
ysw128	217	0
ashamael	215	0
20ks	214	0
gerryred	208	0
pharrop	206	0
jhsukow	194	0
dskantor	191	0
longtallbrad	183	1
samuelyork93	179	0
bds9992	160	0
amerk1180	125	0

The chart is replaced by a picture of longtallbrad sleeping during the draft.

Katie Nolan: “longtallbrad may have only had one team make the playoffs, but he’s making that team count. His ‘Civilized and Savage’ team in World 4 has advanced to the finals against dBKC and Mambo #4. Led by Dwyane Wade who averaged over 30 points per game in their four wins, longtallbrad dismantled robusk’s last team in a crisp gentleman’s sweep. Winning a championship will move him all the way up to 17th place. Anything short of that, and he’ll end up 21st. His team is on a roll, having won 8 of their 9 playoff games. Has longtallbrad finally woken up?”

The image is replaced by an image of DH wearing a Lakers #52 jersey and a pair of rec-spec gym goggles.

Katie Nolan: “dh555 survived a tough 7 game back and forth series against jcred5 in World 1. Led by a 34 and 26 performance by Kareem in the final game, dh555 will face kinoa1 for the title. Currently in 6th place, he needs three wins for a top 5 finish. Can the league commissioner end the very first SAVAGE league with a chip?”

The image is replaced by a gif of a cartoon devil dancing across the image box.

Katie Nolan: “benhoidal has to be disappointed with his conference finals showing. A long shot to win the SAVAGE crown before the round started, those hopes are now just a dream unrealized. After being swept by Mambo #1 in World 1, and after an unsuccessful 3-1 comeback attempt, benhoidal’s SAVAGE dreams rest solely in World 3. Hakeem Olajuwon missing three game winning shots in the final seconds of his game 7 matchup vs. kinoa1 has to be the real blow. It will take almost a miracle to put him on the podium now. A World 3 championship seems likely, but pexetera can’t win more than one game in the World 2 finals. Is the dream still alive for benhoidal?”

The image is replaced by a motherf*cking birthday cake.

Katie Nolan: “dBKC is the highest riser by far from the last round. He has gone from 5th place after round 1, to one of the three owners with a chance at the overall SAVAGE KING title. A win in World 2 would cement at least a 2nd place finish, but in order to make up the 33 points to catch kinoa1 he will have to win two more championships than the current leader. Is it still dBKC’s motherf*cking birthday?”

The image is replaced by an image from the regular season of Pexetera ordering victory balloons and planning a parade

Katie Nolan: “pexetera may have been the odds on favorite to win the SAVAGE league since the all-star break, but things are looking bleak now. Three conference finals teams are down to one after losses to dBKC in World 4 and kinoa1 in World 5. pexetera’s SAVAGE hopes are all in World 2 now where he gets a rematch against dBKC. He only needs 2 wins to guarantee a podium spot, but finishing third would have to be a disappointment. He still technically has a chance to win the whole thing, but would need dh555, benhoidal, and longtallbrad to all win in their worlds, dBKC to beat kinoa1 in world 5, and he would need to beat dBKC in World 2. Can pexetera pull off the impossible and regain that top spot or will he fall off the podium entirely?”

The image is replaced by an image of a poster for a new Scorsese flick, “The Hitman”. At the bottom, the tagline reads, “He came out of retirement for one job, and then it was time to be on his way.”

Katie Nolan: “kinoa1 was many owners’ pre-season pick to win it all and with just a few days left, it seems likely that he will deliver. After squeaking by benhoidal in an overtime win in World 1, kinoa1 has three teams in the finals and controls his own destiny. Winning two out of the three championships will secure the SAVAGE Crown. kinoa1 has announced his intentions not to return for the second season. Can kinoa1 retire on top?

“Don’t Forget you guys, the finals in Worlds 2 and 4 start this afternoon with the other three Worlds starting tomorrow afternoon. That’s it for our show! You are a fantastic studio audience. I’m Katie Nolan, for ‘Always Late.’”


[32:00-36:00]
Scene opens to Bill Simmons in his office at The Ringer. He is wearing a grey hoodie over a ‘Fever Pitch’ t-shirt. We zoom in on him and he leans into his podcast microphone.
Bill Simmons: “Today’s episode of the Book of Basketball 2.0 on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK is presented by Roman, a long time supporting sponsor of the Bill Simmons podcast. If you are suffering from baldness, erectile dysfunction, inappropriate longing for 80s childhood actors, narcissism, looking like a ghost on TV or an inability to grow a beard, SUFFER NO MORE! Roman will provide you black market pharmaceuticals produced by underpaid employees with no health benefits in discreet packaging you can hide from your loved ones. AND NOW, my listeners can get 20% off your first purchase by entering BS in the box at the top. Roman: a digital health scam for men, by men. Also, check out our brand new podcasts on the RINGER PODCAST NETWORK, all hosted by our white employees who have personal connections to me. Ryen Russillo talks about his legal adventures in ‘Criminal Entry’, Nephew Kyle talks about the dangers of unionizing in ‘State of the Union’, and our very own Joe House gets another podcast titled, “Bill and Joe’s Frathouse Adventures . You can check out all of our Ringer podcasts on Spotify or Apple or wherever you get your podcasts by typing Ringer in the search box at the top. Don’t forget to subscribe. Coming up, a Savage Finals preview with Cousin Sal. And now, an exploitive song where you can hear my son rap over some song he found on iTunes, Melatonin.

“It’s the book of basketball yall, it’s the book of basketball” *REFEREE WHISTLE*

Bill Simmons: “All right, taping this late Sunday night. What a day. Hey Google, call Cousin Sal!”

Cousin Sal: “Hello, is this Google?”

Bill Simmons: *hehehehe* “The Cuz! I wanna start here. How is James Harden going to play in 3 finals?”

Cousin Sal: “How is he going to play in a single finals? He is James Harden, he is known for a beard, playoff chokes and going to the strip club. What world are we in?”

Bill Simmons: “You emailed me some predictions last week. How many of them predicted a Harden led Mambo team SWEEPING pexetera’s Gold team? I’ll give you a hint. ZERO!”

Cousin Sal: “I’ll tell you what, if you are looking through your daily fantasy teams and you have to pick one player to go with, it’s James Harden.”

Bill Simmons: “So right now, the finals pictures are World 1: kinoa1 versus dh555, World 2: dBKC versus pexetera, World 3: kinoa1 versus benhoidal, World 4: dBKC versus longtallbrad and World 5: kinoa1 versus dBKC.”

Cousin Sal: “And World 6: my youngest son versus my middle son in a Highlander style battle where only one of them gets to survive the pandemic.”

Bill Simmons: “dBKC and and kinoa1 both end up with three finals teams. Who could have predicted that?”

Cousin Sal: “We had a wager in Against All Odds where Harry parlayed “Under .5 owners make three finals teams” with “Over 2.5 NBA players break quarantine to go to a strip club” so that tells you what the degenerates predicted.”

Bill Simmons: “And we forgot to mention, dBKC does all of this by phone! He doesn’t even know what a vlookup is!”

Cousin Sal: “I had to vlookup when your next HBO show is and it looks like they canceled it for a second time.”

Bill Simmons: “And we have to mention, longtallbrad, near the bottom of the standings MAKES THE FINALS!”

Cousin Sal: “That reminds me about this new show I've been watching in quarantine called “The Longtallbrad-y Bunch” on the Jewish Tinder Network?”

Bill Simmons: “Oh Tinder got its own TV station now?”

Cousin Sal: “That’s right but you can only get it in Israel.”

Bill Simmons: “All right then. So, we are going to set the lines for over-under championships in the finals.”

Cousin Sal: “Right, so I set fictitious lines with the Parlay Kid and Brother Bri, emailed them to you and you sent me your guesses ahead of time. Before everyone gets all bent out of shape, we count equal differences as a tie.”

Bill Simmons: “Yeah, settle down Twitter.”

Cousin Sal: “First up, longtallbrad, the line is .5 championships.”

Bill Simmons: “So the issue here is that Brad had to go to seven games and dBKC swept pexetera so he has been resting.”

Cousin Sal: “But is the rest good? Don’t the players get rusty? I saw a stat that said over the last 20 years at WiS the team in the finals with the most rest is 1140 – 1790.”

In the background we hear what sounds suspiciously like someone fake-coughing: “Bullshit.”

Bill Simmons: “I saw a stat that was in My Gambling Ewing Theory Manifesto on Blackjack that was rule #17, always bet on the better team when they are at home.”

Cousin Sal: “Wow so you are taking Brad?”

Bill Simmons: “No, I am taking the zag.”

robusk is heard screaming “**** YOU SIMMONS!” in the background after another Simmons contradiction.

Bill Simmons: “I am going with dBKC in that series. Give me the under and make it a lock!”

Sal does a 4 minute impression of Simmons leaving a fake drunken voicemail with erotic overtures to dBKC.

Bill Simmons: “Wow. I don’t remember that.”

Cousin Sal: “Yeah, you were like robusk drunkenly in the park evaluating his Savage teams after 20 games. I also take dBKC.”

Bill Simmons: “The other party crasher here, dh555 also at .5 championships. Man, World 1 was a pupu platter. Are we sure any of those teams were good?”

Cousin Sal: “Are you crazy Simmons? dh555 has 71-72 Kareem Abdul-Jabaar on his team. You’re just upset there are no Celtics on it. Give me the over.”

Bill Simmons: “I can’t forgive Kyrie for what he did to the 2019 Celtics, give me the under.”

Cousin Sal: “Next, benhoidal also at .5 championships but the over is at -175 so a lot of action on the over here.”

Bill Simmons: “Look, I am tired of analytics. benhoidal thinks he is going to get a spot at the Sloan conference by trying to stack his odds for a championship. I am not sure it is happening. kinoa1 is a pantheon owner.”

Cousin Sal: “kinoa1’s team might not even be very good. HE DIDN’T EVEN WIN HIS DIVISION.”

Bill Simmons: “You talked me into it, give me the over.”

Cousin Sal: “I got the over too.”

Simmons: “Okay, pexetera was one of two favorites headed into the playoffs and he finished with a whopping one finals team. He is at .5 championships as well.”

Cousin Sal: “Yeah we had ashamael on against all odds and he predicted pexetera would struggle in the playoffs.”

Bill Simmons: “Struggle seems harsh, he did have three conference finals teams.”

Cousin Sal: “He is a choker!”

Bill Simmons: “Barkley, Shawn Kemp, Mark Jackson, Jimmy Butler, none of those guys ever won anything. That is why none of them made like 32 of my Pyramid in the Book of Basketball.”

Cousin Sal: “Give me the under.”

Bill Simmons: “This is gonna shock you Sal but this is the Nobody Believes in Us Team! I got the over!”

Cousin Sal: “Nobody believes in them because I had all three of his teams in a three team parlay to make the finals.”

Bill Simmons: ‘Finally, dBKC and kinoa1 each with a line of 1.5 finals.”

Cousin Sal: “Let me do the math here real quick. We both already picked against kinoa1 in one finals a piece by virtue of our other picks. You honestly could argue that given the odds of all the other outcomes, World 5 is the most important finals where either dBKC steals the crown or kinoa1 surprises no one and wins the overall title.”

Bill Simmons: “Unfortunately, kinoa1’s team is just better.”

Cousin Sal: “Well, his division was definitely worse.”

Bill Simmons: “When in doubt, take the better coach at home. I go kinoa1 over and dBKC under.”

Cousin Sal: “I have the same thing. So Sportsguy, you have 2 championships for kinoa1, 1 for dBKC, 1 for pexetera and 1 for benhoidal. I had 2 for kinoa1, 1 for dBKC, 1 for dh555 and 1 for benhoidal.”

Bill Simmons: “GOOD JOB BY YOU!”

Cousin Sal: “GOOD JOB BY YOU!”


[36:00-40:00]
Ben Taylor: “Welcome everyone to a special Patreon only edition of Q&A. We got a lot of questions this time! So many of you submitted great questions via twitter, and I’m going to try to get to them all. Some questions regarding the ongoing finals in all five worlds and some having to do with the second SAVAGE draft which has just started over in the forums. I’m excited to talk about both!

“First question is from @roundmound who asks, ‘Can we go back to the old scoring system? Pexeteretara would have won that way.’

“Hmm, that’s an interesting thought experiment. dBKC just officially eliminated pexetera’s final team and with benhoidal being up 3-0 in World 3, it looks like pexetera will be pushed off the podium by one point. Let’s take a quick look at what the standings would be today under the old point system. I’m pulling it up right now… okay got them. Looks like pexetera would have ended with 306 points. kinoa1 would have 312 with a chance for up to 325. dBKC would have 295 with the chance for 307 if he wins both of his remaining titles to end up with three. benhoidal would have… let me see… 298 with a likely finish at 303. Okay, I think the more interesting question here is if the new scoring format was a good thing. Under the old format, kinoa1 would be the winner whether he won a single league or not. I think for that reason alone, the new scoring format was the right change to make. dBKC could literally win the most leagues in the entire league and finish fourth in the old format. He’s pretty clearly the biggest winner here. kinoa1 and pexetera probably the biggest losers although I still think kinoa1 will win anyways.

“Okay next question. @actualavantgarde asks, ‘Are we sure LeBron James is the obvious first pick? Ben Simmons is going to be available in the 4th and with his new 19-20 season, he’s basically LeBron. Shouldn’t I… shouldn’t the top pick be a big guy like Wilt or Hakeem?’

“Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here. The short answer is yes. I’m sure LeBron is the obvious first pick. Gives you everything you want, nothing you don’t, and is 100% at more positions than anyone in the sim. He’s the guy. I’m more interested in the Ben Simmons part of this question. Last season he was taken at the top of the 5th round which I thought was early given he had only two seasons. Now he has three and his 19-20 season is nice, but I can’t see him going much higher than where he went last season. Passing on LeBron so you can get him seems… ill advised.

“Alright, next question. @memelordsupreme asks, ‘Teams stuck at the end of the draft, say in the #22 range, are clearly worse off than the teams picking ahead of them. What are some ways those teams, specifically at pick 22, can compete?’

“Well, I definitely think the top of the draft gives a bit of an advantage, but I don’t think it’s that uneven. Just look at season 1. No correlation between pick and wins whatsoever. It looks like benhoidal will take 3rd despite having the 24th pick. With the addition of the three banned players, that’s like having the 27th and 28th pick this draft. Someone with the 22nd pick will have the 27th as well and there should be really good players available. Having the 3rd round start at the back end of the draft really evens things out in my opinion. Here are a few guys I would target at 22 if they are available: Artis Gilmore, Magic Johnson, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, Julius Erving, and Hakeem Olajuwon. At 27, I would be looking at Moses Malone, John Stockton, DeAndre Jordan, Anthony Davis, Rudy Gobert, or Scottie Pippen. Maybe Rodman there, but only if you get really lucky and get someone like Harden at 22.

“Let’s move along. @JETSmith asks, ‘I’ve been getting bullied a lot at work by two big guys. They always make jokes at my expense and to make matters worse, they are more successful than I am even though I’m better at my job than they are. I’ve tried to ask them nicely to stop, but that only seems to make things worse. What should I do?’

“Wow there’s a lot to unpack on this one too. I’m not so sure you wrote to the right show. Not really sure what this has to do with basketball, although there have been a lot of emotional outbursts lately from some of the GMs. I think I’m going to move to the next question.

@LPGA1180 asks, “Hi Ben, love the show although I don’t really ever understand what you’re saying. Can you help me understand something related to the current SAVAGE draft? How come whenever one of the “Kool Kids” like dh, robusk, assamael, dBKC, tarheel, longtallbrad, benhoidal, or jhsukow say anything everybody always listens to them, but when a certain reasonable and misunderstood owner says anything that person gets called a racist or an impatient *******? Asking for a friend.’

“Wow, we’ve really gone off the rails here. I’m just going to skip this one so we can get back to talking basketball.

“Last question here. @MFBirthdayBoy asks, ‘What happens if kinoa1 wins the whole thing? He’s not participating in SAVAGE II. Does the crown go to 2nd place?’

“Well, I’m not the commissioner, but I think in that case, kinoa1 would still be the king and the next season would be to see who takes the crown. Anyways, we are out of time. Next week I’ll be posting a new video comparing Luka Doncic and DeAndre Ayton so be sure to check that one out!”


[40:00-41:30]
Scene opens to the World Wide Sports Complex in Orlando. We zoom in on the biggest of the stadiums, go in through the doors, and enter into one of the TNT studios. Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, Shaquille O’Neal, and Charles Barkley are sitting in their studio chairs, ready for their post game show. A very eager Shaquille O’neal is sitting up proudly, a massive grin on his face, ready to report for the camera. Behind them on the screens, is the following chart:

	Owner	Total Points	Chips
1	kinoa1	411	2
2	dBKC	360	1
3	benhoidal	345	1
4	pexetera	344
5	dh555	295
6	mptrey	294
7	tarheel1991	256
8	jpevans31	237
9	jcred5	233
9	robusk	233
11	24kpyrite	224
12	copernicus	223
13	goetz93	217
13	ysw128	217
15	ashamael	215
16	20ks	214
17	longtallbrad	211	1
18	gerryred	208
19	pharrop	206
20	jhsukow	194
21	dskantor	191
22	samuelyork93	179
23	bds9992	160
24	amerk1180	125

Shaquille O’Neal: “Well guys, it’s time to announce our final podium spots and crown our SAVAGE champion. Charles, do you want to do this segment?”

Charles Barkley: “Just get it over with Shaq.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Third place… benhoidal with 345 points. benhoidal started at the very bottom of the draft and just squeaked onto the podium. Chuck, you wanna tell ‘em who he bumped off?”

Charles Barkley: “Shaq, I’m going to throw this churro at you.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “pexetera, was the lead point getter almost all season, but falls to fourth after choking in the postseason. That’s why it’s important to draft someone with playoff experience and rings in the 1st round. How many of those you got again Chuck?”

Charles Barkley: “This is turrible, you know that my team should’ve won. I think those damn Monstars came back and zapped me again or something.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Sure. Okay, okay. 2nd place is dBKC with 360 points. It really was his motherf*cking birthday everyday until the very end. Just needed one more birthday cake. And the champion, the SAVAGE KING, is… kinoa1 with 411 points! kinoa1 is the only owner to win more than one championship, or should I say “rings”?! dBKC, benhoidal, and longtallbrad each win a chip as well.”

Kenny Smith: “Let’s hear it for longtallbrad! Finally woke up, just in time to go on a roll!”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Do you guys remember who was on kinoa1’s team? Let me tell you. He had Walt Frazier, Bobby Jones, Kyrie Irving, Samuel Dalembert, Nicholas Batum, Kemba Walker, ‘Shaqtin’ a Fool’ MVP JaVale McGee, Marvin Williams, Bill Bridges, Russell Westbrook, and Amir Johnson. What a team. Wait a second, I feel like I’m forgetting someone. Chuck, who was the MVP of all those teams?”

Charles Barkley: “You just won, because you had the best owner. If I had kinoa1 as my coach I would have won the whole thing too.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “That’s right! It was me! I’m the SAVAGE KING! Rings, Chuck, rings!”

The camera zooms out of the studio, but not before we see Charles launch himself across the desk at Shaq.


[41:30-43:00]
The screen goes pitch black. A single spot light appears near the far end of our screen. The camera focuses in and we see dh555 wheeling a cart to mid-court of a large arena. On the cart is a large gold crown, ornate with jewels and surrounded by a pile of crumpled $1 bills. There looks to be about 50 or so bills in total. As he approaches mird-court we see a large podium has been erected, and next to it is a microphone. The spotlight turns off and the next second all the lights in the arena turn on. The stands are full of every single simleague basketball owner, which is to say the arena was almost completely empty. dh555 takes a hold of the microphone and addresses the crowd.

dh555: “Taking third place in the SAVAGE league with 345 points… benhoidal!”

A chorus of boos rains down from the stands. We see benhoidal emerge from a tunnel on the opposite side of the court and jaunt towards the podium. He shakes dh555’s hand then takes his place above the number 3.

dh555: “2nd place in the SAVAGE league with 360 points… dBKC!”

We see dBKC running out of the same tunnel and towards the podium, waving his arms and pumping up the crowd. He takes the microphone from a stunned dh555.

dBKC: “I just gotta say, it’s still my motherf*cking birthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!” He hands the microphone back to dh555, gives benhoidal a nod, and joins him on the podium.

dh555: “Well, it was his motherf*cking birthday… Now, the moment you have all been waiting for… The winner of the SAVAGE league with 411 points, your SAVAGE KING… kinoa1!”

The camera focuses on the tunnel where dBKC and benhoidal had run out moments before. There is no one there. A few moments pass and the crowd begins to murmur. It starts out quietly, but crescendos quickly into a loud roar. Then, someone comes out of the tunnel, running. The crowd quiets and everyone strains forward in their seats. The runner is cmcafeeky and as he gets to dh555, he passes him a note. dh555 reads the piece of paper, frowns, then raises the microphone to his lips.

dh555: “kinoa1, will not be joining us today. It appears that we need a new SAVAGE KING.”

A smile starts to creep up dh555’s face and he begins to laugh as the screen goes pitch black.