U.S. — Despite rising tension within the Democratic Party and uncertainty regarding President Joe Biden's cognitive capacity and fitness to remain in the presidential race, former President Barack Obama reassured the nation that he is still running the country.

Obama's calming message that he remained in firm control of the United States came as a relief to millions of Americans who had begun to believe that their country was being supervised by a mentally defective dementia patient who lost his grasp of reality years ago.

"Don't worry, America, I'm still at the wheel," Obama said in a brief public statement. "Though I moved out of the White House in January 2017 following my two official terms, that doesn't mean I retired. I have been running things the last few years from behind the scenes while Joe walked around under the impression he was in charge. I want all Americans to know that the country is in my sure hands, just as it was back when I was behind the desk in the Oval Office… though I do still sneak back in every now and then to sit in the chair."

With calls for Biden to step down and let someone else take the Democratic nomination coming from prominent voices in government, media, and entertainment, Obama stressed that even if Biden remains in the race, re-electing him was the best way to make sure the Obama administration remained in power. "Don't worry about Joe," Obama said. "He'll be fine while we keep telling him he's president, and all of you can rest easy knowing that I'm still in the driver's seat."

At publishing time, Obama also assured voters that they still wouldn't ever have to worry about Hillary Clinton being president.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for The Babylon Bee editorial board to opine on the mental capacities of sitting presidents, the nation is probably in some sort of trouble.

Compelled, however, by the recent explosion of violent hatred and vitriol that has oozed out of the upper echelons of the Democratic Party and dripped down upon the innocent shoulders of our Dear Leader President Biden like hydrochloric acid on a banana, we feel that it is our bounden duty as citizens and journalists to defend what is evident even unto idiots like Republicans, or AOC.

Joe Biden is of sound mind and body and the cruel and senseless attacks on him must stop!

The blatantly partisan and obviously politically motivated attacks upon Joseph Biden from the likes of Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, George Clooney, and others have no basis in fact whatsoever. There is no Parkinsons. There is no dementia. In fact, Parkinsons and dementia are probably conspiracy theories made up to discredit the most popular president in American history.

Our president is the picture of health and exemplifies perhaps more than any other modern leader what that old phrase "sana mens in sanum corpus, e pluribus unum, habeas corpus, a contrario" truly means.

For the sake of our nation, for the sake of democracy, knock it off.

"We have to overrule the will of the people, because democracy is at stake," explained Representative Nancy Pelosi. "The democratically elected leader of our party must be destroyed, or else democracy will be lost once and for all."

According to sources, Democratic party leaders have expressed anger at voters for being so dumb as to choose President Biden, creating this crisis. "How could those stupid voters not have not seen through the lies about Biden being fit to serve? Idiots!" said Chuck Schumer. "They got us into this mess, so it's up to us now to pull off an insurrection to get us out of it. For democracy."

Instead of allowing citizens to vote for their preferred candidate, the Democratic party will instead have the most powerful and wealthy people on earth choose who should rule the people. "It's Democracy 101," said former President Barack Obama. "The wealthy elites must seize power to save democracy. If the people choose a bad candidate because they believed the lies you told about him, you don't just accept the will of the people. You stage a coup and overrule those idiots. Simple."

At publishing time, the billionaires who pay for Democratic party campaigns had reminded them they were withholding money until Biden dropped out, so they better hurry up with the coup.

U.S. — After the announcement broke that President Biden would no longer seek re-election, aides have struggled to figure out how exactly to break the news to President Biden.

"Oh man, he's not going to like this," said longtime aide Sally Connors. "Maybe we can wait until after four, and then he won't remember?"

According to sources, aides plan to try to sandwich the news between bits of good news in an effort to soften the blow. "We could start off by reminding him that it's National Ice Cream Day," said aide Mike Thomas. "Then, breeze real fast through the 'you have dementia, no one likes you, your career is over, and your party betrayed you', then tell him that the cafeteria is serving shepherd's pie for lunch tomorrow? Eh?"

After a week considering the best time and manner to withdraw from the Presidential race, those closet to the President described finding the right time and place to break the news to President Biden even harder. "Well for starters, you only have a six-hour window in which he is lucid," said Connors. "Take out meals, naps, angry tirades, you've only got about thirty minutes per day to begin with. Trying to catch him in the right mood to tell him he's being put out to pasture - it's tough, you know?"

At publishing time, aides had decided to wait until tomorrow as the ice cream shop was out of chocolate chip, so today was just not a good day.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a concerning Special Counsel report that suggested Biden may be mentally unfit to remain in the presidency, an additional report has revealed that Kamala Harris is also mentally unfit to replace Biden.

"Not gonna lie, we're kinda scraping the bottom of the bullpen here," said an anonymous White House source. "I asked Kamala yesterday if she would be ready to step into the role of President should her nation call her to do so, and she responded by laughing maniacally and talking about how much she loves space. We're running out of options."

When reached for comment, the Vice President gave no clear answers. "President is like the biggest boss of a country, and when you think about it, that's significant in a way the many people find significant," she said. "Vice President is like the little boss. Presidents need lots of mental. I have plenty of mental. Mental is in brains, which I have. I love the yellow school bus. HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

As of publishing time, VP Harris's staff was unavailable for comment, as she has no remaining staff still working for her.

U.S. — The Democratic Party in the United States has pulled off a successful insurrection, completing a coup d'etat to remove the current President from power.

"The President has fallen! And it wasn't from a bike or the stairs. It was just a little insurrection" cried Democratic party elites joyfully, having seized power. "Yay insurrection!"

According to sources, Democratic party elites have worked tirelessly to overthrow the candidate chosen by voters, using everything from donation boycotts to blackmail. "It took everything we have, but we have deposed the democratically elected candidate of our party. We did it to Biden before. We did it to Sanders. We did it four years ago to get Biden in this time. WE are the king makers!" said former President Obama proudly. "Democracy has been saved."

At publishing time, MSNBC's Joe Scarborough had come on TV to explain how some insurrections are actually very good.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Voters across the nation found themselves with a serious decision to make this November, as the Border Czar responsible for allowing 11 million illegal immigrants to enter the country demanded a promotion.

After presiding over a record number of undocumented migrants flooding across the southern U.S. border, Vice President Kamala Harris cited the accomplishment as a prime reason why the American people should put her in charge of the entire country.

"I think my resume speaks for itself," Harris told reporters. "I've done things at the border that no one in history ever came close to doing. The vast hordes of migrants. The spike in human trafficking. Unprecedented business for the drug cartels. Murders. Rapes. We've accomplished a lot in my time as Border Czar, and I can do the same thing for our entire nation. And don't forget about that bail bond thingy that released thousands and thousands of violent criminals back out into our streets so they could commit even more violent acts against our citizens. I think I deserve the promotion, America! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

When asked for comment on Harris's demand for a promotion, voters were unsure. "She says things in a way that sound like she might be intelligent," said concerned citizen David Cathcart. "But when I try to break in down.....not particularly compelling, but interesting nonetheless. While it is undeniably true that she has set some historic numbers at the border that will probably never be equaled, I'm not sure that's exactly what we're going for. I wanna see what social media says before I commit."


At publishing time, Harris had gone on to explain that if her work as Border Czar wasn't enough to earn the promotion, perhaps her speech equating I.C.E. with the KKK or her promise to ban ALL fracking and drilling for oil in American might be enough to do the trick.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Vice President's campaign for president received a highly sought-after boost this week, as former President Barack Obama reluctantly endorsed Kamala Harris after butt-dialing her.

The unintentional endorsement occurred yesterday while Obama was reportedly sitting down to enjoy some chips and salsa and inadvertently called the vice president. A source close to Obama confirmed that the former president improvised the endorsement as a way to cover the embarrassing butt dial.

"Ah, shoot, I accidentally called Kamala," Obama was heard whispering as he pulled his phone out of the pocket of his slacks. "What do I say now? How am I going to play this off? I don't know what to — Hey, there, Kamala! How are you? Barack and Michelle here!"

Insiders disclosed that Obama's cover for the butt dial was successful, with Harris coming away from the conversation proudly boasting about having the former president's blessing. "She was thrilled," said one source. "She was giggling uncontrollably and smiling from ear to ear like she was hopped up on something. Then again, I guess she's pretty much always like that, but still, you could tell she was relieved to have Obama's endorsement."

Sources within the Obama camp refused to comment on whether or not he would have endorsed Harris at some point anyway, conceding that his selection of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State was also done by accident. "Sometimes things just work out," one insider said. "He's had a pretty good track record with his butt dials."

At publishing time, Obama was reportedly stuck making small talk with Joe Biden after yet another accidental butt dial.