U.S. — Newly appointed Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has wasted no time letting the cat out of the bag in announcing plans to make the department leaner and more efficient, pledging to immediately cut the K-9 workforce by 90% as soon as she takes command.

"I will see to it personally," announced Noem, mimicking the cocking of a shotgun. "We are going to blast the inefficiency in DHS to smithereens."

Pundits have hailed Noem's day-one pledge, seeing signs of a strong leader not afraid to do the dirty work of downsizing DHS. "The Department has become an oversized behemoth. It needs someone who can pull the trigger on tough decisions," said dog torturer Anthony Fauci. "It's time someone took the old DHS out behind the woodshed and put it to rest. We need new, fresh blood -- and she's going to deliver it."

At publishing time, several packs of former K-9 dogs were spotted heading for the Canadian border along with Hollywood elites and people who do not live in the United States and travel the world and know better than everybody.

The Onion Buys Infowars — Planning To Make Alex Jones’ Site A Parody Of Itself

If you enter www.infowars.com into your browser and hit return, you won’t see Alex Jones anywhere. The site’s longtime host and conspiracy theorist has been replaced by a vast expanse of white on the site’s landing page, along with five words in small type: “site unavailable till further notice.”

On Thursday, the site’s new owners, a company called Global Tetrahedron—parent company of the satirical news site The Onion—said Infowars will return in January, when the far-right site will be rebranded as, essentially, a parody of itself. “We thought this would be a hilarious joke,” said Ben Collins, chief executive of Global Tetrahedron in an interview with The New York Times. “This is going to be our answer to this no-guardrails world where there are no gatekeepers and everything’s kind of insane.”