Season 3 - Episode 7: The Iron Throne
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.
Scene opens to King pexetera standing in his throne room, shoulders shaking, and staring at the ground with a distant expression on his face.
“When the dead live and the Warlock dies,
Five kings shall be declared,
And blood will stain the skies.
The old king must beware,
A shadow, a coin, a birthday cake,
And an unexpected pair.
For when the arrow pierces the eye of the snake,
A new king shall rise,
The Iron throne he shall take.”
Cut to a red priest, robed all in scarlet satin and blood velvet with a great ruby glistening at his throat walking around a fiery inferno. He starts to pray in the common tongue for all to hear.
Lord ashamael: “The SIM is dark and full of terrors. The ancient scrolls talk of a day when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning basketball and he who dribbles it shall be the chosen Warrior of Light, and the darkness shall flee before him.”
Cut to King robusk sitting at his desk shaped throne. Before him stand Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber.
Sir Chris Paul: “We are certain to be victorious, Your Grace. The red comet in the sky is heralding your victory.”
King robusk rolls his eyes. “It is not my comet, no matter what the small folk say. Use some logic and reason. The SIM gods are cruel. You think they care who sits on a stupid throne? No, the comet signifies the death of Grand Maester Seble, the ancient Warlock himself. There’s some new warlock now. He promises change, promises to listen to the lords of the land.”
Cut to King dBKC sitting on a throne made of pots and pans, surrounded by the knights and lords in his service.
King dBKC: “All these motherf*cking birthdays and King pexetera still sits the Iron Throne. I am sick of always coming in second place. King pexetera thinks he’s the best lord in the Savage Lands even though I defeated him in the Savage Wars and almost beat him in the Hand’s tournament. He claims I’m only doing well in this war because I am led by the great Admiral Robinson, but I did not need your services before. I think it is time to show King pexetera who the rightful king of the Savage Lands really is. Admiral?”
Sir Robinson: “Yes, Your Grace?”
King dBKC: “Put on those other four stars of yours. On the morrow, we march towards King’s Landing to win the throne.”
There is an excited murmur in the throne room. Knights look back and forth at each other and nod their heads in agreement.
King dBKC: “Lord jhsukow?”
Lord jhsukow: “Yes, Your Grace?”
King dBKC: “I have a special cake order for Sir Harden to make tonight.”
Cut to an aerial shot of King’s Landing. We see the great castle of the Red Keep rising high in the sky, surrounded by walls. King pexetera’s knights are visible at the top of the walls, preparing for battle. Below them, in every direction, we see that a number of armies have gathered for a final battle. King robusk is seen riding one of his beefy solvers and surrounded by his knights. King dBKC and Lord jhsukow are fully decked in battle armor. Behind them, we see a massive motherf*cking birthday cake being pushed by cart by their respective knights. Lord jkaye24 has gathered his knights as well and is seen giving them a rousing speech.
Our camera pans slowly over the armies. We see other Lords as well who are still in the fight. We pan over Lord Midge, Lord jcred, 5th of his name, Lord tarheel, Lord dh555, and Lord 24kpyrite. As they prepare for the final battle of the Savage Lands to decide control of the kingdom, we hear war drums pounding.
The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 7: The Iron Throne
Scene opens to an aerial view of King’s Landing. All the armies of the realm are now here, converging on the gates of the Red Keep. War drums are pounding, people are screaming, and the sound of metal clanging against metal can be heard. Our camera moves over the gates and then to the highest tower of the castle. We see a singular window near the peak, ornate and expensively decorated. From inside the window a lone figure looks out at the carnage happening in the city. Sporting a bad blonde haircut that has to be a wig, we see King pexetera standing there wringing his hands and grimacing. Around his neck slithers a massive copperhead snake making soft hissing noises in his ear.
From behind him we see Lord 20ks approach.
Lord 20ks: “Your Grace, all of your armies have been defeated. The main gate has been breached. They will be storming the castle doors any moment now. What would you like me to do?”
King pexetera doesn’t bother turning around and instead gazes listlessly out the window.
Lord 20ks: “Your Grace? … Your Grace?”
King pexetera turns his head to his snake and speaks softly, “Where did it all go wrong?”
Lord 20ks: “I don’t know your Grace, I’m as shocked as you are that the other Lords are rebelling like this. I mean, you did write four whole evaluations after winning the crown. And you even waited until after most of the fighting to make sure you got everything right! They should be thanking you!”
King pexetera strokes the head of the snake around his shoulders. He is still looking into the eyes of the copperhead and seems oblivious to Lord 20ks standing behind him. “You are my last defense now.”
Lord 20ks: “Thank you, Your Grace. I know I didn’t fight that well in the battles of this war, but you yourself said I should have done much better. I won’t let you down.”
King pexetera goes back to looking out the window without responding, but there is a loud banging sound on the door to the room that startles both occupants. King pexetera and Lord 20ks both stare at the door for a few seconds, but it doesn’t open. Lord 20ks strides over to the door and creaks it open. His mouth hangs open.
King pexetera: “What is it?”
Lord 20ks: “I don’t understand. There’s no one here. Just this massive cake.”
King pexetera: “Cake? Quit talking nonsense. What is…”
Lord 20ks pushes the doors open and we see a gigantic birthday cake taking up the entire hallway. It is a red cake with white frosting, and on top of it, we see thirteen lit candles, all of different colors. Below the cake is a low cart with four huge wheels.
King pexetera and Lord 20ks stare open mouthed as the cake seemingly glides into the room. From underneath the cart, the camera just barely catches two stubby feet slowly walking the cake forward. The cake stops moving. There is a moment of inaction before suddenly a figure explodes out of it carrying a long wooden bow. He is covered head to toe in frosting and pieces of cake which make him seem much larger than a normal person, but we see the unmistakable beard of Sir Harden.
He gives a little shake and steps backwards and the food falls off him to the floor. It wasn’t as much food as it looked at first, as Sir Harden is still clearly out of shape. We see a mountain of cake crumbs still stuck in his beard. He is panting and hunched over, but manages to straighten up and look King pexetera in the eye.
Sir Harden: “King dBKC… wants me to... tell you... something.” He reaches behind his shoulder and draws an arrow. “Happy motherf*cking birthday!”
King pexetera ducks as the arrow flies by, missing him by a wide margin. The snake around his shoulders falls to the floor and slithers away.
Sir Harden: “Don’t… worry... I have… twenty six more.”
We see arrow after arrow shoot by in quick succession, but none come close to their mark. Sir Harden reaches behind him once more and grabs the very last arrow. King pexetera straightens up and looks over at Sir Harden. He points at the rather large belly that Sir Harden seems to have gotten while inside the cake.
King pexetera: “Sir Harden, it looks like your time with your current army hasn’t been all you hoped for. Maybe a trade is in order. Fight for me! Help me defend the throne and together we will rule the realm! Only I can fix your situation now.”
Sir Harden draws the last arrow back in his bow. “This is a situation that can’t be fixed.” He lets the arrow loose. In slow motion, our camera tracks the flight of this twenty-seventh arrow as it glides through the air. We see an amused King pexetera watch as it soars errantly away from him. Then his eyes widen, and his smirk turns to despair. We resume live motion and pan over to the giant copperhead snake pinned to the wall by the arrow through its eye.
King pexetera: “NOOOOOOOO!”
The scream echoes throughout the castle and we get a quick glimpse of an army storming up the stairs from the main floor. The soldiers pause as they hear the shout reverberating through the close quarters of the staircase, but we are unable to make out their faces.
King pexetera looks away from his snake and over at Sir Harden with fury in his eyes. Sir Harden is standing there looking from King pexetera to the snake and back. He drops his bow and raises his two hands.
Sir Harden: “I surrender. I’m completely defenseless.”
Lord 20ks steps up from behind them. “Haven’t you always been defenseless?”
Sir Harden looks over to him, with crumbs still falling out of his beard. “Somehow, in the Savage Lands, I’m actually a better defender than the great Sir Russell.”
King pexetera takes two strides over and extends a small dagger into the enormous gut of Sir Harden. Sir Harden’s eyes go wide, but then return to normal. He looks down at the dagger sticking out of his gut.
Sir Harden: “Guess eating all that cake and reporting to the fights out of shape was a good idea after all!” He looks over to Sir 20ks. “Extra padding.”
King pexetera pulls out the dagger and with a grunt, slashes it across Sir Harden’s throat. His beard is sliced mostly off, but there isn’t a scratch on Sir Harden’s neck.
Sir Harden: “I guess I have better defense than even I thought!”
Lord 20ks: “Your Grace, I don’t think he can be killed!”
King pexetera: “Nonsense! Throw him out that window and into that brook outside.”
Sir Harden waddles over to the window. “Ooh, I think I see Sir Durant!” He attempts to jump out the window on his own, but gets stuck for a few seconds before squeezing out.
King pexetera and Lord 20ks stand still staring out the window for a moment, but then a broad shadow creeps towards them from the doorway. They turn around to see Admiral Robinson standing there. Behind him we see Sir Penny and the rest of King dBKC’s army. Admiral Robinson and his troops advance, and we zoom in on King pexetera’s horrified face as he shrinks away.
Cut to another battle happening in the halls of the great castle. We see Sir Karl the Sitemail man of House dh555 battling against Sir Stockton of House jkaye. Sir Stockton has a basketball instead of a sword and is using it to parry attacks from Sir Karl. Nearby we see Sir Pierce fighting in a wheelchair against Sir Vince who keeps jumping over his head. On the far side of the room, Sir Mookie and Sir Unseld are fighting against Sir DeAndre and Sir Melo. We zoom in first on the latter battle. Sir DeAndre knocks over Sir Mookie and comes in for a killing strike, but Sir Melo steps in front of him and attempts a strike of his own. Sir Mookie easily parries and scrambles to his feet. Sir Unseld steps forth and knocks down Sir Melo, who crumbles under the pressure of his fists. Sir DeAndre, without Sir Melo to take his strikes, brings his sword down upon the helm of Sir Mookie. He turns towards Sir Unseld before unleashing a series of moves without missing. His final thrust, RIPs through the chainmail of Sir Unseld, who falls to the floor.
We swing over to Sir Pierce who is struggling to deflect the blows coming from Sir Vince who is still leaping continuously over his head. One of the strikes gets past his defenses and lightly scrapes the side of Sir Pierce, who acts as if he has lost a limb. With one hand he clutches at a leg and with the other he ushers over a few nameless knights who carry him away from the battle. As they leave the room, our camera catches a glimpse of brown on the underside of his armor.
We focus now on the central battle of the room. Sir Malone, who is wearing Sketchers brand armored boots, keeps attempting his patented rolling strikes, but it is as if Sir Stockton is anticipating every move.
Sir Malone: “Get out of my way. I need to resume my hunt for little Mexican girls.”
Sir Stockton: “But Sir Karl, haven’t you checked the sun lately.”
Sir Malone: “The sun? No. Why?”
Sir Stockton: “It’s no longer Saturday…”
Sir Malone’s eyes widen for a moment, but then he narrows them and charges at Sir Stockton. He lets loose a flurry of attacks, but they all miss. Sir Stockton calmly throws a chest pass and the basketball he was holding barrels into Sir Karl, knocking him over. Sir Stockton walks over and calmly picks up the ball.
Sir Stockton: “I give, and now you must go.”
The knights of House jkaye storm through the hallways of the castle. There are lighted torches hanging on the walls and Sir Stockton stops quickly to grab one. They turn around the corner before suddenly coming face to face with the knights of House dBKC. In front of them, we see two grand doors leading to the throne room. Behind the two armies, Lord jkaye24 and King dBKC push through and meet face to face.
King dBKC: “Lord jkaye. I am surprised to see you here. You weren’t one of the Lords who declared themselves to be king?”
Lord jkaye: “I figured, everyone else was fighting for the throne, I might as well join them.”
King dBKC: “Well, I’m impressed. New lord in the Savage Lands and already you show you are among the best. It’s just too bad.”
Lord dBKC: “Too bad?”
King dBKC: “Yes. You see, today just happens to be my motherf*cking birthday.”
King dBKC steps back and Admiral Robinson steps forth, swinging his sword. Lord jkaye just barely manages to duck away, losing his footing and scrambling back behind his men. The fight is on and we see swords clash and bows drawn. Sir Vince tries to leap over Sir Dirk, but Sir Dirk fades backwards slightly, raises one leg, and throws his sword up in the air, releasing it at the very highest point. The sword slices right through Sir Vince who crumples to the ground. Sir DeAndre is double teamed by Sir Deron and Sir Penny who quickly disarm him. Sir Stockton tries another chest pass, but Sir Kawhi catches it with one monster hand. He robotically throws it back to Sir Stockton with increased velocity. The ball crashes into the torch held by Sir Stockton and catches ablaze as the torch is knocked out of his hand. The fire from the torch starts to spread, first to the curtains on the windows and then through the hallway.
Our camera zooms in on King dBKC as he calmly strides over to the blazing basketball. He picks it up and turns towards Lord jkaye, a triumphant look upon his face. King dBKC tries to dribble the ball over to Lord jkaye, but struggles. He is hunched over and staring right at the ball as he awkwardly makes his way across the hallway. He stops dribbling and picks up the basketball before looking directly over at the other lord.
King dBKC: “What? I’m good with fake basketball, not the real thing.”
King dBKC throws the basketball at Lord jkaye who shrieks as his robes catch fire. He turns and starts running away and his knights follow closely behind.
King dBKC smirks and turns to his army.
King dBKC: “The Iron Throne is mine at last!”
He pushes open the great doors and leads his army into the throne room. At the end of the long aisle is the Iron Throne, and sitting on it is a lone figure.
King dBKC: “Who are you? How dare you sit what is rightfully mine.”
The figure looks over at the King before speaking. “I am adlorenz, the Grand Maester of the realm. Grand Maester Seble is dead. I will be running things from now on.”
King dBKC looks confused. “Running things? You mean you will be serving me, your King.”
Grand Maester adlorenz: “No. It seems like I have a lot of work to do here to return the realm to its former glory. The first thing we need to do is set up a great council to decide the future of the Savage Lands and how it should be ruled.”
King dBKC scoffs: “I don’t know who you think you are, but I am the King of these lands now. The one true King. I defeated all the other pretenders. The throne is now mine. Admiral, attack this traitor.”
Admiral Robinson and the rest of the knights advance on Grand Maester adlorenz, but he casually flicks his wrist and all of their weapons disappear.
Grand Maester adlorenz: “I’m afraid Lord dBKC, that we will be needing new leadership of the Savage Lands.”
Cut to a gathering of all the lords of the realm. They are all seated in chairs outside in the great fighting courtyard that once held the Hand’s Tourney. In the chair at the center of the courtyard we see Grand Maester adlorenz sitting patiently. We zoom in on each face of the lords who are gathered. It is not just the lords who have fought in the Savage Wars, but every lord throughout the Savage Lands. Each one is alertly watching adlorenz, with the lone exception being Lord Brad of the Longest and Tallest House who is fast asleep in his chair.
Grand Maester adlorenz: “Lords of the Savage Lands, you are gathered here today as part of a great council to decide our future. We shall decide together who sits the Iron Throne as King.”
Grand Maester adlorenz flicks his wrist and suddenly there is parchment and quill in the hands of each of the lords.
Grand Maester adlorenz: “It is time to vote on the new ruler of the realm. Write down who you think shall be king.”
From one of the chairs, Lord dBKC pipes up, “But I finally won! I’ve been second so many times before, but this time I won. It’s not fair. I finally win and now we decide to become a democracy?”
Grand Maester adlorenz ignores this outburst. With another flick of the wrist, all of the parchments are in his hand. He starts looking at each vote. A small smirk graces his face.
Grand Maester adlorenz: “Looks like each one of you voted for yourselves. Well, except for Lord cjok and fryedluke who voted for each other. No surprises there. I guess this land is in more need of my help than I had previously thought. Until I figure out more about the workings of this realm, I shall act as King. I will rely on this council of lords to guide me as I learn more.”
There is a loud murmur from the lords gathered, but most seem to be nodding in agreement. One lord however, is not too pleased.
Lord dBKC: “But the prophecy! It said that whoever defeated King pexetera shall take the throne!”
Grand Maester adlorenz: “That just seems like bad writing. So much good storytelling just to phone it in at the end.” He shakes his head slowly. “Just like the source material.”
Cut to a dark alley in the streets of King’s Landing. We see the former Hand of the King, Lord dh555 who is wearing a fancy doublet. Next to him, the air shimmers and a shadowy figure appears. We cannot see its face, but a hand appears out of the shadows. The hand slowly twists and Lord dh555’s eyes gloss over.
Lord dh555: “Everything is in place. A new war shall take over the Savage Lands, more savage than ever before. It will be as you commanded. But what about this new Grand Maester?”
A voice comes out from the shadows, “Leave him to me.”
There is a loud popping sound and Lord dh555’s eyes return to normal. The blackness of the shadow starts to slowly disappear inwards, but before it can leave our camera zooms in and the darkness takes over our entire screen. White block letters fill the void: GAME OF ZONES.
A moment later those letters disappear and our screen is momentarily dark. Then, a few stars shimmer into existence in the distance. Suddenly there’s a lens flare and a starship zooms onto our screen. Followed closely behind it we see two other smaller starships. The smaller starships are firing green lasers at the larger ship, which is veering left and right, and upside down trying to evade the weapons.
Our camera is suddenly inside the spaceship. At the pilot controls, face contorted in concentration, we see bds9992. He is wearing a long sleeved shirt with a deep v-neck. Over it, is a black vest with many pockets and at his waist sits a holster with a blaster rifle inside. Next to him amerk1180 sits in a large furry costume. Behind them stands a golden robot who looks a lot like robusk and a beautiful princess in a flowing white gown with the face of ashamael.
Princess Ash: “What are you doing? You’re not actually going to start Maurice Cheeks at power forward are you?”
bdSolo: “They’d be crazy to expect it, wouldn’t they?”
Princess Ash: “You don’t have to do this to impress me.”
C3PROB: “But Sir, the possibility of you successfully winning your first championship is approximately three thousand seven hundred twenty to one!”
bdSolo: “Never tell me the odds!”
Our screen goes dark and as a familiar musical score starts to play, large yellow letters take over the screen, backdropped by the blackness of space and a few distant stars.
SIM WARS: EPISODE IV
A NEW IDEA
Those words disappear and are replaced by the words,
Coming soon to a desktop or mobile device near you.*
*Disclaimer: Not sure I’m actually going to do this or not. I might be done with GOZ unless something crazy happens in season IV. I’d like to continue doing some of this stuff, but no promises.