Season 3 - Episode 1: The War of the Five Kings
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to Dame the Bard sitting on a gravestone and strumming his lute. Next to him we see Sir Westbrook and Sir Cheeks filling in a grave. We zoom in and read the gravestone. It says, “Here lies bds9992. May he finally win a tournament in the next world.”

Dame the Bard: “I can’t believe you haven’t heard! Now that Lord pexetera has become King, Lords dBKC, robusk, ashamael, and benhoidal have fled the city along with a number of other lords they have recruited.”

Sir Cheeks: “So, there’s really going to be another Savage War isn’t there?”

Dame the Bard: “It certainly seems that way.”

Sir Westbrook: “I don’t think the realm can take any more Savagery.”

Sir Cheeks: “How can we rebound from so much war?”

Sir Westbrook: “Just have the big knights move out of the way.”

Cut to Lord jpevans31 hovering over a chess board in the stands. “Look for there to be another war and lords will have to choose sides.”

Cut to Lord dBKC sitting on a throne made of pots and pans: “The lords of the realm are choosing sides as we speak.

Cut to the throne room of King’s Landing. We zoom in on King pexetera who proudly walks over towards the throne. He sits down and a smug smile appears on his face.

Cut to the House of No Evil. We see three hooded acolytes standing behind Lord Gerry the Red. The three acolytes take off their hoods to reveal the faces of monkeys. One has only empty sockets where its eyes should be. Another has no ears. The last one has a slit across its throat. Lord Gerry approaches the camera.

Lord Gerry: “We will take your eyes, your ears, your voice. All men must serve, and you shall serve by leading our house to victory.”

Cut back to Dame the Bard, Sir Cheeks and Sir Westbrook. The three knights are sitting in silence as the sun disappears and the sky grows dark. Snow is falling in sheets.

A loud cracking sound is heard and the three knights turn their heads sharply towards the newly filled in grave. A bony hand emerges from the dirt. The three knights jump back in alarm and fall to the snowy ground. More bones emerge from the grave until an entire body is standing in front of them. It has no head. It reaches down into the grave and pulls out the unmistakable head of bds9992. Its eyes are shut, but when it opens them we see that they are an icy blue. The body of bds9992 holds the head under one arm and walks forward at the three knights who are scrambling away.

We cut to a sword stabbed through the chest of Dame the Bard. We then see the same sword hurtling through the air and through the back of Sir Westbrook. We see the sword slash once more and Sir Cheeks crumbles to the ground.

bds9992 starts to walk away. He sheaths the sword in a scabbard and grips his head with both hands. He places it gently on his severed neck. It starts out backwards, but when he moves his hands away from the head, it straightens out on its own accord.

bds9992 raises both of his arms and behind him the corpses of the three knights raise from the ground. Dame the Bard has a bloody hole in his chest. Sir Westbrook as one in his back. Sir Cheeks has a slash mark across his face. The three knights stumble forward with inhuman motions until they are just behind bds9992. He drops his arms and starts to march towards the capital, the three knights falling in line behind him.

We zoom in on the icy blue eyes of bds9992.

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 1: The War of the Five Kings

Scene opens to a blood red comet streaked across the morning sky. Below it, a single snowflake is drifting towards the ground. We follow its path as it winds downward. Below we see Sir LeBron James riding upon a white stallion through the streets of Braavos. Accompanying him is Sir Anthony of Brow, riding upon a chestnut brown horse. The snowflake finally rests upon the balding head of Sir LeBron.

Sir LeBron: “I would like to fight alongside you too Sir Anthony, but I must stay loyal to my Lord, Gerry the Red.”

Sir Anthony: “But Sir, haven’t you heard what he does to knights in that house of his? He scoops out their eyes! He cuts off their ears! I heard he even slits their throats sometimes!”

Sir LeBron: “Just a legend. My lord would never dare do any of that to me.”

Sir Anthony: “I don’t know, it appears he’s already stolen some of your hair.”

Sir LeBron timidly reaches into his satchel and pulls out a cloth headband which he shyly places on his head.

Sir Anthony: “I just don’t understand. Why won’t you fight for King pexetera along with me? I have been so glad to no longer have to fight for Lord benhoidal. He creeped me out. Plus, I’m used to switching teams and going to play for the front runner. King pexetera is the rightful king to the throne. The red comet proves it! It appeared the day he took the crown. It is a sign from the SIM gods that King pexetera is the one true king!”

Sir LeBron looks up dubiously at the sky. “I’ve heard other lords say it is the blood of bds9992 streaked ‘cross the heavens.”

Sir Anthony: “These other lords are just usurpers! I’m sure after fighting for bds9992 during the Hand’s tournament, it would be nice to fight for a winner for once!”

Sir LeBron: “Sir Anthony, I have my legacy to think about. What will the peasants think if I just fight for whomever wins all the time?”

Sir Anthony: “But Sir, isn’t that what you did when you took your talents to the southern beaches of the Savage Lands?”

Sir LeBron furrows his brow. “Yes, and the common folk never let me hear the end of it. When I was young and naive I thought those beaches were the cure to all my problems. Old Maester Riley showed me all his tournament rings and I admit I wanted one for my own. I just didn’t have enough good knights with me back home. I vowed to return one day and bring glory back to the Land. You don’t want to make the same mistake I did, Sir Anthony, and you certainly don’t want to end up like the Snake Knight, Sir Durant, always chasing after the best lords to fight for. I must forge my own path now, Sir Anthony. Plus, Lord Gerry the Red has promised me eternal glory for my services.”

Sir Anthony: “But Sir! King pexetera needs your help! The realm is in chaos! King pexetera is barely holding on to the throne! Lord dBKC has declared himself the King of MotherF*cking Birthdays. Lord robusk has declared himself the King of Logic and Reason. Lord amerk has been named the Kind and Knowledgeable King by some of the less educated peasants in the South. And your own Lord, Gerry the Red, is calling himself the Red King. They are calling it the War of the Five Kings.”

Sir LeBron: “Sir Anthony, if anyone knows what it is like to declare yourself a king before you have won a crown it is me.”

Sir Anthony: “What are you saying?”

Sir LeBron: “There can only be one king. When you play the game of zones, you win or you die.”

Sir Anthony: “Exactly! King pexetera won! He is the king!”

Sir LeBron: “That was just a tournament. This is war.”

Sir LeBron and his horse abruptly come to a stop and Sir Anthony almost bumps into them. We see that they are in front of the marble steps leading up to the House of No Evil. There are two large ornate doors at the top of the steps. The left door is made of white weirwood. The right is ebony. In the center of the doors is a carved monkey face made of ebony on the weirwood side and weirwood on the ebony side. Instead of eyes, it has two empty sockets. The left socket is weirwood against the ebony monkey face, the right socket is ebony against the weirwood monkey face. Next to the doors on either side are two sculptures of monkeys. The one on the left is holding its hands over its ears. The one on the right is holding its hands over its mouth.

Sir Anthony: “Sir, you don’t have to do this. You can still come back to the capital and we can fight alongside King pexetera together.”

Sir LeBron: “Are you so eager to remain in my shadow? King pexetera’s position is weak. He may still hold the iron throne, but without a true number one knight he has little chance to keep it.”

Sir Anthony: “But… Sir… I’m his number one knight.”

Sir LeBron: “There’s a reason he sent you out to find me. If you fight for King pexetera in this war, Sir Anthony, we will be forced to cross blades.”

The brow on Sir Anthony’s head raises and a look of shock crosses his face. He opens his lips to say something, but just then the two doors open and three hooded figures step out and onto the top step. The one in front holds out an arm and a hand that isn’t quite human protrudes from the extended sleeve. A long finger stretches out and points first at Sir LeBron, and then back at the doors. Sir LeBron gives Sir Anthony one last look before climbing the steps and entering the large building. The three hooded figures enter behind him and as the last one reaches back to close the doors, we see the tip of a tail protrude from under the robes.

Cut to the throne room of King’s Landing where King pexetera is sitting uncomfortably on the Iron Throne. A massive copperhead snake lies around his shoulders making soft hissing sounds. In front of him we see Sir Rodman, who is wearing his prettiest flowery dress.

Sir Rodman: “I am sorry, your Grace. I was unable to persuade Sir Michael of Jordan. He will be fighting for Lord 20ks in the war.”

King pexetera scowls: “Lord 20ks you say? I thought he died during the Hand’s tournament. Didn’t he kill himself?”

Sir Rodman: “A ruse, according to my sources. Apparently it was a plea for attention. When no one noticed he was gone, he decided to join the war.”

King pexetera: “But why would Sir Michael decide to fight for him?”

Sir Rodman: “I believe it is because he owes Lord 20ks a great gambling debt.”

King pexetera shakes his head in disgust. “First Sir Manu comes back without Sir Robinson, and then this. We are supposed to be the mighty House of the Snake, yet all I could recruit was a worm. Why won’t any of the best knights fight for me? I am the King!”

Just then, the great doors at the end of the hall open up and Sir Anthony of Brow strides in. He approaches the throne and walks past Sir Rodman. King pexetera doesn’t spare him a single glance, but instead looks behind him at the open doors with a desperate look on his face.

King pexetera: “Sir Anthony, I don’t see Sir LeBron behind you? Don’t tell me you were unsuccessful as well.”

Sir Anthony: “I’m sorry your Grace, I tried everything. He is insistent on fighting for Lord Gerry the Red.”

King pexetera: “How am I supposed to have a number one guy leading my armies, if none of the best knights will fight for me?!”

Sir Anthony: “I thought I was your number one knight, your Grace?”

King pexetera: “You are more of a number two. That’s why I sent you to go get Sir LeBron. You aren’t going to win any major battles without his help.”

Sir Anthony looks down at his feet. He sheepishly looks back up at his king. “Your Grace?”

King pexetera: “Yes?”

Sir Anthony: “Can I be your Lord Commander? I know I can be the number one knight on a winning team, I just know it.”

King pexetera: “If I’m going to hold my throne, I need a real leader to be my Lord Commander. I gave Sir Garnett the honor, but he left me for some new lord I’ve never even heard of. I thought it would be Sir Robinson, but he left to go fight for that cake eater, Lord dBKC. And now Sir LeBron rebuffs me as well. How am I supposed to hold this throne with all the lords of the realm in open rebellion? It’s not just those four traitors who have named themselves king, but it seems the other lords are joining the fights too. And none of them have declared for me!”

Sir Anthony: “Maybe it was because you refused to evaluate them and kept them waiting so long during the knight selection process?”

King pexetera gets off his chair and approaches Sir Anthony. “I am the rightful King of Westeros! They should wait as long as I want them to.”

Sir Anthony cowers back: “Yes, of course your Grace.”

King pexetera sits back down on the throne. The snake around King pexetera’s shoulders lifts its head up slightly and we see its tongue gently massage his inner ear. King pexetera’s face takes on a contemplative expression. “Yes, good idea. Maybe if I finally write the evaluations, some lords will defect back to my side. I’ll start with Lord 20ks. Maybe he will even let Sir Michael of Jordan fight for me in the war.”

Sir Anthony: “What a good idea, Your Grace. You are sure to win over the lords of the land with your great evaluations. I’m certain they will love you after that.”

King pexetera: “Bah! I don’t care if they like me. A snake does not concern himself with the opinions of mice. I just want their knights!”

The copperhead slithers over to King pexetera’s other ear and begins tickling it intimately with its forked tongue. King pexetera jerks his head away and locks eyes with the snake, a scowl replacing the features of his face.

King pexetera: “No, of course I haven’t forgotten about the prophecy. It’s all I can think about! Why do you think I have been so desperate for a number one knight?” His shoulders start to shake and he raises his voice at the snake. “We must prevent it from taking place!”

Sir Anthony: “Your Grace, what do you mean, prophecy?”

King pexetera turns slowly back to face Sir Anthony. His shoulders are still shaking and he is barely keeping it together. “The Prophecy of the Snake. It was foretold on my last name day, right after I won this cursed throne. There was a great feast in my honor, with all the lords of the realm invited. None came except for a decrepit old woods witch who was in search of a place to stay. Of course I didn’t let her stay in the castle, she was disgusting, but I gave her accommodations in the stable for the night. On the morn, my men found her corpse amongst the swine. That night, I had a dream so vivid I could have sworn it was real. The witch was in my bedroom, flesh rotting from her bones. I will never forget what she said.”

Sir Anthony: “What was it, Your Grace?”

King pexetera’s eyes grow distant and a shiver runs through him. Staring at the ground he begins to speak.

“When the dead live and the Warlock dies,
Five kings shall be declared,
And blood will stain the skies.

The old king must beware,
A shadow, a coin, a birthday cake,
And an unexpected pair.

For when the arrow pierces the eye of the snake,
A new king shall rise,
The Iron throne he shall take.”

A silence falls over the throne room. King pexetera slowly regains his composure and turns back to Sir Anthony. “You want to be my Lord Commander Sir Anthony?”

Sir Anthony: “Yes, your Grace. More than anything.”

King pexetera: “Then prove you are worthy of the title. Set forth from King’s Landing. Find me lords who will declare themselves for me. Find me knights who will fight under my banner. We may be winning this war, Sir Anthony, but I will not rest until my enemies are buried in the ground. Do whatever it takes, but find me more men!”

We cut to the King’s road just north of King’s landing. We see a deserted town covered in snow. White sheets are falling heavily through the air as the sun sets over the horizon. Sir Anthony of Brow is dressed in a heavy fur pelt and riding his chestnut steed. He is shivering and we can see a considerable amount of frost that has gathered upon his lone brow. Behind him, Sir Rodman sits atop a well ridden horse dressed only in the same flowery dress as before.

Sir Anthony: “How are we supposed to find anyone in this weather? I can hardly see you and you're right next to me. Aren’t you freezing? Why are you always wearing that dress?”

Sir Rodman: “I like the breeze. Plus, I much prefer riding Carmen here without anything getting in the way.”

They pass by a few empty buildings and emerge onto a vast field. At either end we see an empty basket set high upon a pole. There are markings on the ground and near one of the baskets, there is a lone ball. The two knights ride through and examine one of the baskets.

Sir Anthony: “Hmm, it seems to be some sort of Game of Baskets.”

Sir Rodman: “But no one is playing?”

Sir Anthony: “Indeed. That is quite strange.”

He picks up the ball on the ground as the last light from the setting sun goes out. The screen is now very dark. We can barely see Sir Anthony and Sir Rodman. The only thing that is in clear focus are a pair of small shining blue lights off in the distance.

Sir Anthony squints his eyes. “What is that?”

The two lights come closer, and a silhouette of a towering knight appears around them. We realize that the lights are two eyes as the figure approaches.”

Sir Rodman: “That’s Sir Karl of the Town! King pexetera would love to have him fight for the throne!”

Sir Anthony: “I thought he was one of bds9992’s knights? Are we sure King pexetera will want him?”

Sir Rodman: “What do you mean? Sir Karl is one of the best big knights in the land! And he’s the only big knight who is just as good with the bow as he is with the sword!”

Sir Anthony: “Yes, but if bds9992 thinks he’s good enough to fight for him, are we sure he’s good enough to fight for King pexetera?”

Sir Rodman: “Oh sure! We need all the help we can get. Sir Karl, how are you to… Sir Karl? What’s wrong with you?”

Sir Karl comes closer and we finally get a good look at him. His flesh is pale as milk and his eyes are as cold as ice. In place of one of his ears, we see a gaping red hole with blood trickling down his cheek. One arm is dangling by a thread connected to his shoulder. The other is raised and carrying a great sword seemingly made of ice. He stumbles forward and the sword slashes down. Sir Rodman falls from his steed, his sword arm flying through the air over to Sir Anthony who stares down at the bloody severed arm of his fellow knight in horror. He looks up at Sir Karl who is now turning towards him. Behind Sir Karl, we see a number of others emerging from behind the empty baskets.

Sir Anthony, spurs his horse into a gallop and away from the baskets and Sir Karl. He races away in terror, through the deserted town. He keeps turning his head back and we get glimpses of the undead knights pursuing. Sir Anthony is pulling away and is almost out of the town.

We hear a deafening screech from above and Sir Anthony cranes his neck to the sound. We see a look of utter horror on his face.

High above, hurtling downward through the snowy sky, we see the Three Eyed Bird of Bostonia. It is paler now, even more so than before, and its undead eyes are locked in on Sir Anthony. Its blond perm is billowing behind it in the breeze and its wispy mustache is covered in icicles. On its back, we see the undead form of bds9992 who is riding the bird, his head lowered in furious concentration.

The camera flips to Sir Anthony’s trembling brow. He lets out a terrible scream and our camera goes dark. A second later we see his horse galloping away rider less. We cut back to bds9992 who is now on his own two feet and looking down upon Sir Anthony’s lifeless body. The Three Eyed Bird is circling overhead and comes to rest upon bds9992’s shoulder. The rest of the army of the undead has now caught up to them. bds9992 raises an arm and Sir Anthony’s lifeless form rises. It’s eyes turn blue and it looks over at bds9992.

bds9992 turns his head and we follow his gaze. The skyline of King’s Landing is barely visible in the distance. He takes a step forward and the undead army behind him follows. We zoom in on his icy blue eyes as our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.

Season 3 - Episode 2: The King of Logic and Reason
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to a single snowflake drifting down from the sky. We follow its path as it winds downward. Below we see Sir LeBron James riding upon a white stallion through the streets of Braavos. Accompanying him is Sir Anthony of Brow, riding upon a chestnut brown horse. The snowflake finally rests upon the balding head of Sir LeBron.

Sir Anthony of Brow: “The realm is in chaos! King pexetera is barely holding on to the throne! Lord dBKC has declared himself the King of MotherF*cking Birthdays. Lord robusk has declared himself the King of Logic and Reason. Lord amerk has been named the Kind and Knowledgeable King by some of the less educated peasants in the South. And your own Lord, Gerry the Red, is calling himself the Red King. They are calling it the War of the Five Kings.”

Cut to King pexetera standing in his throne room, shoulders shaking, and staring at the ground with a distant expression on his face.

“When the dead live and the Warlock dies,
Five kings shall be declared,
And blood will stain the skies.”

Cut to Sir Anthony of Brow galloping frantically through a ghost town in terror. He keeps turning his head back and we get glimpses of undead knights pursuing him. Sir Anthony is pulling away and is almost out of the town.

We hear a deafening screech from above and Sir Anthony cranes his neck to the sound. We see a look of utter horror on his face.

High above, hurtling downward through the snowy sky, we see the Three Eyed Bird of Bostonia. It is paler now, even more so than before, and its undead eyes are locked in on Sir Anthony. Its blond perm is billowing behind it in the breeze and its wispy mustache is covered in icicles. On its back, we see the undead form of bds9992 who is riding the bird, his head lowered in furious concentration.

The camera flips to Sir Anthony’s trembling brow. He lets out a terrible scream and our camera goes dark. A second later we see his horse galloping away rider less. We cut back to bds9992 who is now on his own two feet and looking down upon Sir Anthony’s lifeless body. The Three Eyed Bird is circling overhead and comes to rest upon bds9992’s shoulder. The rest of the army of the undead has now caught up to them. bds9992 raises an arm and Sir Anthony’s lifeless form rises. It’s eyes turn blue and it looks over at bds9992.

bds9992 turns his head and we follow his gaze. The skyline of King’s Landing is barely visible in the distance. He takes a step forward and the undead army behind him follows. We zoom in on his icy blue eyes.

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 2: The King of Logic and Reason

Scene opens to an aerial shot of two knights riding upon horseback up a dusty road. A light snowfall has started and the snowflakes are drifting harmlessly to the ground. The two knights are a little more than six feet apart and are fully helmed. We zoom in on them until we can read the names engraved upon the backs of their armor. It is Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber of House robusk. High above them, we see a blood red comet with a long tail covering half the sky.

Sir Chris Webber: “I’ve never seen a comet half so bright, nor quite that color. What do you think it means?”

Sir Chris Paul: “Why, it has been sent by the SIM gods to herald King robusk’s ascent to the throne, I have no doubt. It means that he will triumph over the other kings in the war.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. Aren’t there five lords who have declared themselves king? How do we know the comet is the herald for King robusk?”

Sir Chris Paul: “It is a sign from the SIM gods of the blood that will flow if we do not put a stop to this plague rampaging through the Savage Lands. King robusk is the only one of the five kings doing anything about it.”

To the side of the road the two knights pass by a large tree with a sizable piece of parchment attached to it with an arrow. Sir Chris Paul dismounts and walks over. We zoom in on the parchment and see a sketch with the oversized head of King dBKC eating birthday cake. Colorful words are written in fancy font, spelling out “The King of Motherf*cking Birthdays!” In smaller text along the bottom it reads, “Join now and every day can be your motherf*cking birthday too!”

Sir Chris Paul rips the parchment off the tree and passes it through his legs to Sir Chris Webber, before re-mounting his horse. “King robusk will not be happy.”

Sir Chris Webber examines the parchment confused. “How come? He already knew that Lord dBKC had declared himself a king.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Did you look closely at the sketch? There’s only one Lord in all the Savage Lands talented enough to draw a caricature that good.”

Sir Chris Webber groans. “Lord jhsukow.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Exactly. King robusk has been trying to recruit him since the first Savage War. It looks like he chose to side with the cake eater instead.”

Sir Chris Webber: “But everyone in the Savage Lands likes Lord jhsukow’s drawings! All the knights will want to fight for King dBKC now.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Lord dBKC. Don’t let King robusk hear you calling anyone else the king.”

The two knights pass through some trees and into a clearing and up ahead we see a massive castle sitting upon the horizon. It has been built in the shape of a perfect circle with a cross through the middle of it, the symbol of the logical operation for the exclusive or. On either side of the main building, towering obelisks reach into the clouds. Each one is decorated with different geometrical patterns. In the very front of the castle, at the very end of the path, we see a grand gate. Each of the two doors to the gate is a perfect circle and when closed, they interlock in a perfect Venn diagram. To either side of the gate, there is a knight fully helmed and brandishing a large spear.

As Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber approach, the two knights at the gate step forth, each carrying a small device. Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber dismount and the two knights at the gate each approach one of them. Sir Chris Paul tilts his helm back and opens his mouth, and the larger of the two knights places the device inside. After a few seconds it beeps and the device is removed. Sir Chris Webber is looking at the device in the other knight’s hand unconvincingly.

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. Sir Kemp, are these heat checks really necessary?”

Sir Kemp: “By decree of the King, all who enter must be checked by these devices he invented. Sir Bradley keeps coming back for more heat checks.”

Sir Chris Webber: “But why all the precautions? No one here is sick. Has anyone here even seen a White Walker?”

Sir Chris Paul: “It’s not a big deal, Sir Chris Webber. Just get your temperature checked, wear your helmet, and let’s go inside.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Ugh. But this helmet is so uncomfortable.”

The larger of the two knights steps forth: “Uncomfortable? I’ll tell you what’s uncomfortable, mate. All your friends and family turning into bloody undead zombies because you don’t want to wear a helmet for a few minutes.”

Sir Kemp: “Please excuse Sir Bogut. He is from a land down under. The customs are different there.”

Sir Bogut: “I’m sick and bloody tired of the people here in the Savage Lands not taking this pandemic seriously. Back in my home land, the White Walkers are all gone. We took a few simple precautions and they were eradicated just like that. But here, in the Savage Lands, knights won’t even wear helmets! There’s a whole army of bloody fools in the south who have gathered around this so-called King amerk and are protesting that their civil liberties are being taken away. King robusk is the only one of these upstart kings who is using some bloody logic and reason. So if you want to enter into his castle, you better bloody wear your helm and get your temperature checked mate. Otherwise if you have a bloody problem with that we can settle this outback.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Alright, alright, jeez. It was just a joke.”

He raises his helm slightly and Sir Kemp places the temperature device inside his mouth. After a few seconds the device beeps and is removed.

Sir Chris Webber: “Aren’t all these safety measures a little extreme though?”

Sir Kemp: “I know what you mean. They wouldn’t even let me into the medical tent when my son was being born!”

Sir Bogut: “Like you would have been in there anyways, mate. I bet you don’t even know which bloody son it was.”

Sir Bogut pushes the gate open and Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber follow behind staying a respectable six feet apart. They pass through the castle courtyard and we see a plethora of cows all hunched over large wooden desks, scribbling upon parchment. Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber share a confused look.

Sir Chris Paul: “Are those cows writing?”

Sir Bogut: “Oh yes, those are King robusk’s Beefy Solvers. They are the best in the realm at calculating obscure equations and optimizing data.”

Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber share another confused look, but continue on.

In the next room, we see a massive four poster bed in the center of the room. Sir Drexler, Sir Horace, Sir Nurkic, and Sir Plumlee each are holding a corner of the bedsheets which span almost the entire room. Sir Bogut nods at the other knights and leads Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber around the bed.

Sir Bogut: “We always have to spread the sheets just right for King robusk.”

We enter into a circular throne room. All sorts of strange devices line the walls. In the middle of the enclosure, sitting on a simple throne with a small desk attached to one of the arm rests, King robusk is furiously calculating something on his abacus. He is wearing a cloth facemask and a thin golden crown. The two knights approach and bow deeply. King robusk continues to work on his abacus and doesn’t notice the knights. After a few long seconds, Sir Chris Paul looks up, still deeply bowed.

Sir Chris Paul: “Ahem… Excuse me… Your Grace?”

King robusk looks up in surprise. “Sir Chris Paul! My favorite knight and first choice to lead my armies! Always a pleasure!”

Sir Chris Webber: “I’m here too, Your Grace!”

King robusk: “Sir Chris Paul, I’m so glad you could make your way here on such short notice. I have an important task for you. As I’m sure you know, my efforts against the pandemic have to this point fallen short.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Your Grace, we have been trying as hard as we can to spread logic and reason through the land. I don’t know how this White Walker virus continues to spread.”

King robusk: “I have been hard at work calculating every possibility. I have figured out why our efforts have failed.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Yes, Your Grace?”

King robusk: “The source of the virus, a young man I once knew, is immune to logic and reason. We need to try a different approach.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. Did you say you once knew Patient Zero?”

King robusk: “Oh yes. bds9992 was once a man like you or I. An eager youth, hungry to prove himself, and full of ideas. He didn’t quite understand the difference between correlation and causation and some of his theories were absurdly ridiculous. He once told me that blk% was the most important statistic for a knight. He even asked some of his knights to forgo a sword and use two shields for additional blocking capabilities. Once, he signed up for a tournament, yet asked that no one make any mention of his selections. But he was charming and had great taste in the arts. He was a little cocky, but it was hard to blame him too much for tooting his own horn since he was a professional horn tooter. I took a liking to him. However, our friendship quickly turned sour. Eventually his ambition got the best of him. Determined to climb the rungs of the ladder, but unable to ever reach even a single ring, he finally snapped.”

Sir Chris Paul: “What did he do?”

King robusk: “He killed the King.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. He did what?”

Sir Chris Paul: “That’s all of your time outs.”

King robusk: “I was as surprised as anyone. I didn’t think he had it in him. I knew that he was desperate for glory, but even after he was accused, I refused to believe. It went to a trial by combat.”

Sir Chris Paul: “bds9992 demanded a trial by combat? But why? He could never win a battle!”

King robusk: “He named Sir LeBron his champion.”

Sir Chris Webber: “He must surely have won then? Sir LeBron is the best point knight in all the land!”

King robusk: “True, but he did not position him as his first sword.”

Sir Chris Paul: “But who was his point knight then, if not Sir LeBron?”

King robusk: “It was Sir Cheeks.”

Sir Chris Webber: “I like cheeks.”

King robusk: “Don’t let bds hear that! He takes great offense when you compliment his knights!”

Sir Chris Paul: “But why did he draft Sir Cheeks when he already had Sir LeBron?”

King robusk: “I believe it was for his blk%.”

Sir Chris Webber: “So he placed LeBron at the shooting knight position then?”

King robusk: “...No. Alas, not even Sir LeBron could help bds9992 win. He was beheaded on the steps of the Sept of Baylor the Bricklayer.”

Sir Chris Paul: “But, how did he become patient zero?”

King robusk: “I wish I knew. I have been trying to calculate all the possibilities. The only thing I can think of is that it had something to do with the bet he made with Lord benhoidal.”

Sir Chris Webber: “The Sim Devil himself!”

King robusk: “Exactly. Regardless of how it happened, bds9992 is now a White Walker, and he is spreading his virus throughout the Savage Lands. I don’t know what more I can do. I tried declaring a National Pandemic. I even required all lords and knights to wear their helmets at all times. No one has listened. I tried to recruit Lord jhsukow to my side, but he hasn’t responded to my ravens as of late and I’m starting to have serious doubts as to whether he will join me.”

Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber share a nervous look.

King robusk: “I reached out to Lord jpevans31. He seemed lonely so I tried to engage him. I was even going to let him fight for me, but he sent me a crazed response back by raven. I tried recruiting Lord Brad of the Longest and Tallest House, but he fell asleep before I could even ask. No, It’s just us. We are the only ones standing between bds9992 and the realm. bds9992 has infected too many people by now and the spread has reached exponential levels. Something drastic has to be done. We need to protect the people of the Savage Lands from the virus. Even if it means protecting king pexetera and the other pretenders.”

Sir Chris Paul: “What would you have us do, Your Grace?”

King robusk: “We must attack the source of the virus. bds9992 is leading his army towards King’s Landing. We must beat him there and battle for the soul of the Savage Lands.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. You want us to march all the way to King’s Landing, through territories belonging to the other kings. When we get there, King pexetera’s army will be there waiting for us. You want us to fight against them, and then after we’ve depleted all of our resources, you want us to fight an army of undead zombie knights? Is that really the most logical or reasonable strategy?”

King robusk stands up from his desk, a determined expression crossing his brow. “I have tried to spread logic and reason throughout the land, but bds9992 is immune. Logic and reason won’t stop him now. Our only chance is an all-out war. The living verses the dead. Sir Chris Paul, you will lead my armies.”

Sir Chris Paul: “We are certain to be victorious, Your Grace. The red comet in the sky is heralding your victory.”

King robusk rolls his eyes. “It is not my comet, no matter what the small folk say. Use some logic and reason. The SIM gods are cruel. You think they care who sits on a stupid throne? No, the comet signifies the death of Grand Maester Seble, the ancient Warlock himself. There’s some new warlock now. He promises change, promises to listen to the lords of the land.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Well that’s good! Do you think he can do anything about the White Walkers?”

We zoom in on the face of King robusk. He becomes deadly serious.

King robusk: “No, we cannot depend on the warlocks any longer. If we want real change in the Savage Lands, we have to take it upon ourselves. We start by wiping out the virus. We start by attacking bds9992.”

The corners of King robusk’s mouth twitch upward in a smirk as our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.

Season 3 - Episode 3: The Forgotten King
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to Sir LeBron and Sir Anthony of Brow riding on horseback through the streets of Braavos.

Sir Anthony: “The realm is in chaos! King pexetera is barely holding on to the throne! Lord dBKC has declared himself the King of MotherF*cking Birthdays. Lord robusk has declared himself the King of Logic and Reason. Lord amerk has been named the Kind and Knowledgeable King by some of the less educated peasants in the South. And your own Lord, Gerry the Red, is calling himself the Red King. They are calling it the War of the Five Kings.”

Cut to a circular throne room where Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber are kneeling before King robusk.

King robusk: “I reached out to Lord jpevans31. He seemed lonely so I tried to engage him. I was even going to let him fight for me, but he sent me a crazed response back by raven.”

Sir Chris Paul: “What would you have us do, Your Grace?”

King robusk: “We must attack the source of the virus. bds9992 is leading his army towards King’s Landing. We must beat him there and battle for the soul of the Savage Lands.”

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 3: The Forgotten King

Scene opens to a flurry of wind and snow over the top of a forest of trees. Despite the dark of night, there is a red tinge covering the scene and as the shot widens we see that it is from the blood red comet overhead. Despite the sheets of snow falling towards the ground, the comet is clear in the sky. Our camera starts to drop below the tree line and our only source of light is the red glow through the trees. The wind is still blowing snow everywhere and as we reach ground level we are barely able to make out two figures on horseback. As we zoom closer we see that it is Sir Bowen and Sir Collison of House jpevans, 31st of his name. Frost can be seen covering the eyebrows of the two knights as they both shiver on top of their horses.

Sir Bowen: “Sir Oliver, the miller, should be around here somewhere. This was the rendezvous point.”

Sir Collison: “I can barely see anything. How are we supposed to find him in this blizzard?”

Sir Bowen: “He should be easy enough to spot. With his girth, it’s not like he can hide behind the trees.”

Sir Collison: “I don’t see any sign of these zombies our lord keeps going on about. Are we sure they are real?”

Sir Bowen: “He’s not our lord, he’s our King. Be careful Sir Collison, you know he’s touchy about people not including him with the others.”

Sir Collison: “Yes, yes, of course. But, I still don’t see the point of all these scouting missions.”

Sir Bowen: “King jpevans has made it a priority to find out everything he can about these so-called White Walkers. I’ve heard they used to be men like you or I, but were cursed.”

Sir Collison: “Cursed?”

Sir Bowen: “Yes, cursed to never win a tournament championship. Now they roam the land trying to destroy any knights and lords who have ever won anything and curse them in turn. They are said to be as cold as ice and when they speak, it is in a language that most cannot understand. If you listen for too long, you will go mad trying to comprehend what they say.”

Sir Collison: “How do you know so much about the White Walkers? King jpevans hasn’t told me anything about them.”

Sir Bowen: “Back when I was with House Spurs, Grand Maester Popovich mentioned them once or twice. Hey look, there’s Sir Oliver up ahead.”

Our camera angle shifts and we see a large knight riding a horse that is barely able to withstand his weight. Sir Oliver rides up towards the two knights.

Sir Oliver: “Sir Bowen, Sir Collison, well met!”

Sir Bowen: “Sir Oliver. It is wonderful to have you join us.”

Sir Collison: “You are the last knight to join with King jpevans. Now that our army is complete, we are sure to challenge for the throne!”

Sir Oliver: “I’m just so happy to have been recruited by anyone. No one wanted me to fight for them during the Savage War. What other knights will be fighting with us against the other kings?”

Sir Bowen: “Well, we have Sir Pippen.”

Sir Oliver: “I love Sir Pippen! What an excellent secondary knight! And who is our primary fighter?”

Sir Collison: “... Pippen is, Sir.”

Sir Oliver: “But who is the lead knight? I’m sure the king recruited Sir Gilmore or Sir Moses to lead his forces right? Maybe even Sir Stockton to lead his attacks?”

Sir Bowen: “Umm... no. Sir Pippen has been leading all of our attacks.”

Sir Oliver: “Really? We must have some great big knight who can punish our opponents down low?”

Sir Collison: “Yes! We have Sir Hassan, the White.”

Sir Oliver: “Sir Hassan, really? I’m surprised the king recruited him instead of Sir Rudy.”

Sir Bowen and Sir Collison share a surprised glance.

Sir Bowen: “Sir Rudy? Of course! I think the King forgot he existed.”

Sir Oliver: “Well, we must have a really deep army then, right? Who are some of our other knights?”

Sir Collison: “We have Sir McGrady! He’s good.”

Sir Bowen: “Well, he’s good once every five fights. He just sleeps through the others. I’m surprised he didn’t join the Longest and Tallest House.”

Sir Collison: “We have Sir Brandon!”

Sir Oliver: “What a fine secondary point knight. And who’s the starter?”

Sir Bowen: “Uh well, he is the starter.”

Sir Collison: “We have Sir Smith, who is our seventh best knight!”

Sir Oliver: “Oh nice, Sir Josh Smith was the seventh best knight on a really good team in the Hand’s tournament.”

Sir Bowen: “Not that Sir Smith.”

Sir Oliver: “Oh. Well, I guess Sir J.R. Smith is a decent seventh knight.”

Sir Bowen: “No, not the armor less knight either.”

Sir Oliver: “Sir Steve? Sir Kenny? Oh of course, Sir Michael Smith the board lord.”

Sir Bowen: No, he means Sir Larry Smith.”

Sir Oliver: “Seventh best knight you say? Sir Larry? I thought we were one of the best armies? Are you sure you’re not forgetting to mention someone important?”

Sir Collison: “We have Sir Larry Nance!”

Sir Oliver: “What a great knight! I remember fighting against Sir Larry from back when I first became a knight.”

Sir Bowen: “Actually, he meant Sir Larry Nance Jr.”

Sir Oliver: “Jr.?”

Sir Bowen: “Yes, the son of the knight you remember. He’s not nearly as good.”

Sir Oliver: “Hold on. King jpevans declared himself to be King with only those knights to fight for him? We are going to get slaughtered in this war.”

Sir Collison: “We’ve actually won lots of battles already. The other knights are off fighting one right now in fact.”

Sir Oliver: “Wait, really? Why aren’t we there with them?”

Sir Bowen: “King jpevans said it wouldn’t matter whether we were there or not.”

Sir Oliver: “Huh. I wonder why that is.”

The three knights ride in silence for a few seconds. Sir Oliver squints ahead and points at something in the distance. “Who’s that?”

Sir Bowen: “Well, if it isn’t Sir Rodman. Maybe he has deserted King pexetera at last and come to team up with Sir Pippen. Those two made a great team.”

Sir Oliver: “I’m still not convinced they can win the important battles with just those two leading the way though. I feel like they need something or someone else with them. Can’t quite put my finger on it.”

Up ahead we see the blurry outline of Sir Rodman come into focus. He is missing his sword arm, and long bloody claw marks are seen raked across his head and torso.

Sir Oliver: “Sir Rodman?... What happened to you?”

More figures appear behind Sir Rodman. We see Sir Kirilenko, Sir Rollins, Sir Favors, and Sir Eaton all emerge. Each one has flesh pale as milk and piercing blue eyes. They each carry a sword that seems to be made of ice. They stumble forward slowly, but methodically, focused on the trio of knights on horseback.

Sir Collison: “Wh… wh… what are they?”

Sir Bowen: “It’s the White Walkers! Attack!”

Sir Collison dismounts and darts forth to try to stab Sir Rodman who parries with his ice sword. Sir Bowen thrusts his sword at Sir Kirilenko, but the undead knight blocks the strike with his own blade. Sir Oliver brings his sword down onto Sir Rollins, but the taller knight rebuffs the attack with a strike of his own.

Sir Oliver: “They’re blocking all of our attacks!”

Sir Bowen: “Yes, it’s like they only care about their blk percentages!”

Sir Collison: “We will have to try a new tactic.”

Sir Bowen: “Let’s trip them!”

Sir Bowen sweeps the leg of Sir Favors who goes down holding his knee. Sir Oliver tries to trip Sir Eaton, but doesn’t have Sir Bowen’s technique and misses the leg. Sir Eaton brings his ice blade down upon Sir Oliver, and the sword goes through his chainmail armor as if it were silk. Sir Oliver falls to the ground with a thunderous thud. Sir Bowen keeps tripping the White Walkers, as Sir Collison looks down at Sir Oliver’s body in horror. Sir Collison looks back up as Sir Rodman’s blade swings through the air. He ducks and the sword sweeps by overhead, narrowly missing. Sir Collison starts to run back towards his horse, but there are more White Walkers approaching and the horses bolt away in panic. He turns back towards the fight where the White Walkers are finally figuring out Sir Bowen’s cheap tricks. We see the flash of a blade and then just an empty stump where Sir Bowen’s head used to be.

Sir Collison lets loose a guttural scream and frantically scrambles away and through the woods. Our camera rises over his head, tracking him as he runs, and then zooms forward in fast motion through the forest. We see tree after tree covered in snow. There’s a brief shot of a clearing where a stream used to flow, but it is now completely frozen over.

The camera stops briefly on a towering white pine near the frozen stream. Attached to the trunk by an arrow, we see a piece of parchment. Frost lines the edges. Upon the parchment is a caricature of King dBKC with an oversized head handing mother******** birthday cake to a crowd of peasants. Colorful font at the top of the parchment reads, “HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!” Underneath, a smaller font reads, “Join King dBKC today!”

The camera continues to zoom in fast motion through the forest until we get to a clearing with a few tents set up. The red glow from the comet above illuminates the camp site. Two knights are seen dragging a third knight into the largest of the tents and the camera follows behind them, entering through the front flaps.

Inside, King jpevans, 31st of his name, is passed out on the ground, bottles spewed all around him. The two knights dragging the prisoner approach and we see that it is Sir Pippen and Sir Hassan the White with Sir Beal of House robusk between them. Sir Beal looks beaten and bloodied. He has a black eye and his hands are handcuffed in chains. Sir Pippen coughs loudly and King jpevans rouses slowly.

King jpevans: “Huh? Where am I?”

Sir Pippen: “You are in your tent, Your Grace.”

King jpevans: “That’s strange. Usually after taking my special mushrooms I wake up in a different part of the realm. Well I guess the night’s just getting started. Time to get crazy. Who’s this?”

Sir Hassan the White: “This is Sir Beal, Your Grace, of House robusk. We were victorious at the battle today and have taken him prisoner.”

King jpevans: “Excellent. That’s four battles in a row we have won.”

Sir Pippen: “Maybe now the other lords of the realm will recognize you as one of the kings?”

King jpevans scowls and looks menacingly over at Sir Pippen. Then his face relaxes and he shrugs.

King jpevans: “I’m used to the disrespect. That Good ‘Ol Boys club of Lords will never give me the respect I deserve.”

Sir Hassan: “But, Your Grace! You have won just as many battles as many of these other kings, yet they still call it the War of the Five Kings, despite you having declared as well!”

King jpevans: “I’ve gotten used to it. No matter what I do, it is met with criticism or worse, I’m ignored.”

Sir Pippen: “Doesn’t that just make you hate them?”

King jpevans: “No, I don’t hate any of the other lords. Although, there is one I don’t trust.”

Sir Hassan: “Probably that Sim Devil!”

King jpevans: “Yes, that’s the one.”

Sir Pippen: “But if we win the throne for you, that will force them to recognize you!”

King jpevans smiles slightly. “Yes. King of the Savage Lands has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

Sir Beal chuckles softly.

King jpevans: “Is something funny prisoner?”

Sir Beal: “Oh, just that you think you have a chance in this war. King robusk has done all the calculations. You are due to regress and start losing your battles.”

King jpevans: “You are just like that king you serve. Always butting in with snide comments whenever I say anything.”

Sir Beal: “Hah. King robusk reached out to you when no one else would. He even offered to let you fight for him!”

King jpevans’ mouth twitches upwards in a snarl. “Yes. I suppose he did reach out to me. Once. It was a formality, done so he would feel better about himself. I tried to tell him one of my funny stories, but he wasn’t interested. All he wanted was for me to fight for him in the war. I AM NO KNIGHT! I AM A KING!”

He shouts the last line right in Sir Beal’s face, spittle flying everywhere. Sir Beal doesn’t flinch.

Sir Pippen: “Your Grace, maybe you need a breather.”

King jpevans takes a breath and steps back. You’re right, maybe I do need a breather. What information were you able to gather from the prisoner?”

Sir Hassan: “King robusk’s army is on the move to King’s Landing. They plan on fighting both the White Walkers and King pexetera at the same time.”

King jpevans starts to smile and begins to speak, but is cut off when the tent flaps fly open. Sir Collison is standing there, hands on his knees and panting, a look of sheer terror on his face.

Sir Pippen: “Sir Collison? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

Sir Collison: “I… did… white… walkers… ten… maybe more… ambush.”

King jpevans: “You saw the White Walkers?!”

Sir Collison: “Yes… tried to attack them… didn’t work… blocked everything.”

King jpevans smiles broadly: “It is as I suspected. They don’t understand how blk% works.”

Sir Collison: “Sir Bowen… Sir Oliver… dead.”

King jpevans: “Hmm, that’s a pity. Now I won’t be able to trade them and a worthless second rounder for a knight who can actually fight. What happened when you stopped attacking the White Walkers?”

Sir Collison: “Nothing… got away… didn’t chase.”

King jpevans: “All they care about is blocking their opponent’s strikes. If we don’t attack them, they can’t block our shots!”

Sir Pippen: “Umm.. Your Grace? If we don’t attack them, how can we beat them?”

King jpevans: “We don’t.”

Sir Hassan: “What? What do you mean, we don’t?”

King jpevans: “King robusk is converging on King’s Landing. I’m sure he has calculated something to defeat the White Walkers. We let King robusk, King pexetera, and the Walkers defeat each other. Then we swoop in, defeat whomever remains, and take the throne.”

Sir Beal: “It will never work! King robusk will see right through you!”

Sir Hassan punches Sir Beal, and he drops to his knees. King jpevans approaches and crouches low to Sir Beal’s level. He looks him right in the eyes.

King jpevans: “Have you seen the comet up above, Sir Beal? Each of these so-called kings thinks it signals their great victory. No. That is blood up there, smeared across the sky. It is the blood of each of the five kings. It is the blood that my vengeance will bring forth. Your precious King robusk and all these other pretenders are my prey. I am the predator.”

King jpevans thrusts a dagger into the midsection of Sir Beal, whose eyes go wide. He crumples forward and King jpevans rises to his full height. Our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.

Season 3 - Episode 4: The King of Motherf*cking Birthdays
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to the kitchens of King’s Landing. Upon a throne of pots and pans, unopened presents strewn about, we see Lord dBKC. Beside him we see Sir Stephen, the great water dancer. In front of them we see Lord jhsukow, escorted by Sir Magic.

Sir Stephen: “You stand in the presence of Lord dBKC of the ‘Kool Kids,’ runner-up in the first Savage War, rightful heir to the Iron Throne, rightful King of the Savage Lands, Slayer of riddles and rhymes, Master of notecards, Expert in drunken drafting, and Lord of motherf*cking birthdays.”

Lord jhsukow looks a little uneasy and turns to Sir Magic.

Sir Magic: “This is Lord jhsukow.”

Lord jhsukow looks over at Sir Magic expecting more. Lord dBKC and Sir Stephen look over at Sir Magic expecting more. Sir Magic’s face does not change as the moments linger.

Lord dBKC: “Lord jhsukow, I have seen the propaganda you have been distributing about. I could use someone of your skills on my side. That talent of yours could prove quite useful.”

Cut to a throne in the woods made of bones with five snakes slithering around the base. Upon the throne sits King pexetera before he became the king. To either side, Sir Garnett and Sir Jimmy stand vigil. Before him, on his hands and knees, is Lord jhsukow.

Lord pexetera: “I know that Lord dBKC has offered you a place in his group of rebellious lords. He thinks that he can unseat me after I win what is rightfully mine? I was in first place in the Savage War before he had all those motherf*cking birthdays. Now, however, with so many birthdays he has grown old, while I am still young and powerful. His bones will be added to this throne once all is said and done.”

Cut to an image of a sizable piece of parchment attached to a large tree with an arrow. We zoom in on the parchment and see a sketch with the oversized head of King dBKC eating birthday cake. Colorful words are written in fancy font, spelling out “The King of Motherf*cking Birthdays!” In smaller text along the bottom it reads, “Join now and every day can be your motherf*cking birthday too!”

The parchment is ripped off the tree by Sir Chris Paul and passed between his legs to Sir Chris Webber. “King robusk will not be happy.”

Sir Chris Webber examines the parchment confused. “How come? He already knew that Lord dBKC had declared himself a king.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Did you look closely at the sketch? There’s only one Lord in all the Savage Lands talented enough to draw a caricature that good.”

Sir Chris Webber groans. “Lord jhsukow.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Exactly. King robusk has been trying to recruit him since the first Savage War. It looks like he chose to side with the cake eater instead.”

Sir Chris Webber: “But everyone in the Savage Lands likes Lord jhsukow’s drawings! All the knights will want to fight for King dBKC now.”

Cut to another piece of parchment attached to the trunk of a towering white pine by an arrow. Frost lines the edges of the parchment upon which is a caricature of King dBKC with an oversized head handing mother******** birthday cake to a crowd of peasants. Colorful font at the top of the parchment reads, “HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!” Underneath, a smaller font reads, “Join King dBKC today!”

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 4: The King of Motherf*cking Birthdays

A few pleasant musical notes in the form of a whistle greet our ears as the scene opens to a large kitchen. We see a towering chef’s hat, and under it the unmistakable bearded face of Sir Harden. He is whistling gleefully and opens up a massive oven. As he reaches inside to pull out an equally massive cake, he breaks from his whistling to joyfully sing the end of his verse.

“But after a while he finally snapped,
And baked him into a pie!”

He sings the last words with a flourish and sets the cake down next to two identical cakes. He grabs a funnel of red frosting which he uses to write on the cakes and we see the words as he writes them. “Happy Motherf*cking Birthday!”

A door opens behind him and we see a tired Lord jhsukow meander into the kitchen. Sir Harden turns around and breaks into a broad grin. “My Lord! Welcome back. How were your travels?”

Lord jhsukow: “Exhausting. I love the drawings I do, but distributing them ‘cross all the Savage Lands has worn me thin.”

Sir Harden: “My Lord, I hate seeing you like this. Would you like me to cook you a stew? Or maybe some soup?”

Lord jhsukow: “You are too kind, Sir. What did I ever do to deserve you as my lead knight?”

Sir Harden: “I just love to cook, My Lord.”

Lord jhsukow looks over at the cakes. “Those look fabulous. But why did you make three?”

Sir Harden: “It is on the King’s request. He says that a motherf*cking birthday without at least three cakes is a dull affair.”

Lord jhsukow: “I suppose we should be heading upstairs soon. What time is it anyways?”

Sir Harden heads over to the window. We see that it is snowing heavily outside. Behind the white blanket of snow is the sharp contrast of the comet streaking through the sky.

Sir Harden: “It’s hard to tell. Haven’t been able to see the sun in weeks. What do you think that comet means?”

Lord jhsukow: “Well King dBKC thinks it symbolizes the red frosting upon his motherf*cking birthday cakes. He says it is a sign from the SIM gods of many motherf*cking birthdays to come and that he is the one true king of the Savage Lands.”

Sir Harden: “You want to know what I think?”

Lord jhsukow: “Of course!”

Sir Harden: “I think that it is paint across the sky. Paint from one of your brushes.”

Lord jhsukow: “Oh, if only. I don’t think the SIM gods care much about me. Why would they?”

Sir Harden: “Have you looked at the results of our battles recently? Your knights are as good as any in the realm. Without the 22nd pick this time, you have risen in the ranks. I’m not sure you need King dBKC’s protection anymore. I think you could actually become king of the Savage Lands on your own right.”

Lord jhsukow looks dumbfounded at Sir Harden.

Sir Harden: “Don’t get me wrong, I loved fighting for King dBKC in the Savage War. I got to cook him a motherf*cking birthday cake every single day after all. And now that you have joined forces with him, I get to do it again. But, all those motherf*cking birthdays have taken their toll on the King. He has grown old. I don’t know how many more birthdays he can take. I like cooking whatever I want, when I want it. You have given me that chance. After having to fight for Lord cmcafeeky in the tournament, I am so happy to cook again. I do not want to lose that after the King is dead.”

Lord jhsukow: “What ever happened to Lord cmcafeeky anyways? I always liked listening to his rants.”

Sir Harden: “...”

Lord jhsukow: “But what you are talking about is treason! King dBKC is my friend. I can’t rise up against him!”

Sir Harden: “Last night at the brothel…”

Lord jhsukow: "Sir Harden, be careful! If the King finds out you’ve been visiting brothels during the pandemic again, he’ll fine you fifty more gold pieces and prevent you from fighting in our next battle”

Sir Harden: “Did I say brothel? Silly me. It was just… my friend's birthday party. I gave her my gift (heh), and then I left right away.”

Lord jhsukow: “Just make sure you stick to that story. The King should be alright with a birthday party.”

Sir Harden: “Anyways, I ran into Lord 24kpyrite. I introduced him to some of my friends there. He isn’t very happy with the King’s ‘No brothels during a pandemic policy either and I think I could get him to fight alongside you. Just say the word and tomorrow’s birthday cakes will have a special ingredient.”

Lord jhsukow looks horrified.

Sir Harden: “Just think about it. You would be a great king.” He grabs the cart with the birthday cakes and starts to head for the door. “Come on. I’m sure they are waiting upstairs.”

We cut to a great throne room. Along either side of the aisle we see knights dressed in party hats, holding noisemakers. At the end of the aisle is a large throne made of pots and pans. At the foot of the throne we see a small mound of unopened presents, and next to it, a plethora of parchment cards with the stats of different knights on them are strewn everywhere. Sitting in the throne is an old man with a long spindly grey beard. Atop his head is a gold crown with birthday candles sticking out the top. As we zoom closer we see that it is King dBKC. He is in deep conversation with Sir Paul George and Sir Mourning of House benhoidal.

King dBKC: “No, I will not give them back. Lord benhoidal was dumb enough to make that bet when we were both drunk at the tavern together. It is as clear now as it was then that I was going to win the wager. Who does your lord think he is anyways, betting against me? He needs to pay up. All his motherf*cking birthdays are mine now.”

Sir Paul George: “But Your Grace, Lord benhoidal hasn’t had a birthday since the first Savage War. Can’t you spare just one? He’d really like just one birthday.”

King dBKC: “Everybody wants a motherf*cking birthday. I can’t just be handing them out willy nilly.”

Sir Paul George: “Your Grace, I was told to tell you that if that was your answer that Lord benhoidal will be vowing vengeance against you and your house. You don’t want him as your enemy.”

King dBKC: “Who cares? His knights just aren’t very good. And yes, that includes you. You were the biggest reach of the draft. Besides, you’re my prisoner now.”

Sir Paul George: “What?”

King dBKC: “Guards?”

To the left side of the throne, Sir Kawhi moves forward very robotically. To the right, Sir Walton steps forth as well. Both knights are brandishing large spears and wearing oversized party hats.

King dBKC: “No, not you two. You’re still on load management until the final tilts.”

Sir Dirk and Sir Deron step forth, also wearing oversized party hats and brandishing spears. Sir Paul George unsheathes a dagger from his belt.

Sir Paul George: “You won’t take me and Sir Mourning without a fight!”

He looks over at Sir Mourning who is looking sheepishly at the ground.

Sir Paul George: “Sir Mourning?”

King dBKC: “Sir Mourning has told me of how he much preferred fighting for me in the first Savage War. He has asked to switch his allegiance and I have granted his wish. Guards, take Sir Paul George to the dungeon. And make sure he gets no motherf*cking birthday cake down there!”

Sir Paul George hangs his head in defeat. Sir Dirk and Sir Deron each take an arm of Sir Paul George who looks crestfallen over at Sir Mourning as he is dragged down the aisle. The doors at the end of the room open, and he is brought out. A moment later, Lord jhsukow enters, followed by Sir Harden who is pushing the cart with the oversized birthday cakes. The pair approach the throne.

King dBKC: “Ahh, my motherf*cking birthday cakes! And my Hand, Lord jhsukow! How were your travels?”

Lord jhsukow: “The posters have worked. The common folk all love you, Your Grace.”

King dBKC: “You see! I told you your talents needed to be shared with all the Savage Lands!”

Lord jhsukow: “Thank you, Your Grace.”

King dBKC: “Well, what are we waiting for? What’s the point of having your cake if you can’t eat it too? Let the celebrations begin!”

For a moment, King dBKC looks like a much younger man. One of the cakes is brought forth and the knights all begin to sing. We pan over the faces of the knights. Most look bored as though their hearts are no longer in the song.

“Happy motherf*cking birthday to you.
Happy motherf*cking birthday to you.
Happy motherf*cking birthday dear King dBKC.
Happy motherf*cking birthday to you.”

King dBKC giddily sings along with the knights. Before they can finish the last words, he leans in and blows out all the candles as quickly as he can. He laughs loudly and the knights join in half-heartedly.

King dBKC: “Thank you, thank you. Well, what are we waiting for? Cut the cakes, pass them out. Make sure everyone gets a slice. Let them have cake!”

We see Sir Penny off to the side. One of his hands rises slowly and we see that on the hand is a puppet closely resembling himself. The corners of Sir Penny’s lips twitch.

Lil’ Penny: “Does he have to say that line every single day?!”

Sir Penny: “Hush, Lil’ Penny.”

Just then, the great doors at the end of the throne room open once more. Striding forth we see Sir Robinson, the Admiral in King dBKC’s naval forces. He is dressed in uniform and we can see the symbol of a star upon his breast.

King dBKC: “Ahh, Admiral! Come in, come in. Have a slice of motherf*cking birthday cake and tell me of our great victories!”

Sir Robinson hangs his head. “Actually, Your Grace, I come with ill tidings. Our assault on King’s Landing did not go as planned. King pexetera was expecting it. We were slaughtered.”

There’s a pause in the room as all the knights turn to look at their king. Sir Robinson slowly lifts his head in apprehension of what is to come. The camera follows his gaze. All of the youthful excitement that was on King dBKC’s face a moment before is gone. In its stead, we see a bitter old man with a look of contempt on his face. King dBKC forcefully stabs his fork down into his slice of cake.

King dBKC: “All these motherf*cking birthdays and King pexetera still sits the Iron Throne. I am sick of always coming in second place. King pexetera thinks he’s the best lord in the Savage Lands even though I defeated him in the Savage Wars and almost beat him in the Hand’s tournament. He claims I’m only doing well in this war because I am led by the great Admiral Robinson, but I did not need your services before. I think it is time to show King pexetera who the rightful king of the Savage Lands really is. Admiral?”

Sir Robinson: “Yes, Your Grace?”

King dBKC: “Put on those other four stars of yours. On the morrow, we march towards King’s Landing to win the throne.”

There is an excited murmur in the throne room. Knights look back and forth at each other and nod their heads in agreement.

King dBKC: “Lord jhsukow?”

Lord jhsukow: “Yes, Your Grace?”

King dBKC: “I have a special cake order for Sir Harden to make tonight.”

We zoom in on the slice of cake that King dBKC has mashed with his fork as our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES

Season 3 - Episode 5: The Kind and Knowledgeable King
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to Sir LeBron and Sir Anthony of Brow riding upon horseback through the streets.

Sir Anthony: “The realm is in chaos! King pexetera is barely holding on to the throne! Lord dBKC has declared himself the King of MotherF*cking Birthdays. Lord robusk has declared himself the King of Logic and Reason. Lord amerk has been named the Kind and Knowledgeable King by some of the less educated peasants in the South. And your own Lord, Gerry the Red, is calling himself the Red King. They are calling it the War of the Five Kings.”

Cut to Sir Bogut and Sir Kemp standing guard at a large gate in the shape of a Venn diagram as Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber approach.

Sir Bogut: “I’m sick and bloody tired of the people here in the Savage Lands not taking this pandemic seriously. Back in my home land, the White Walkers are all gone. We took a few simple precautions and they were eradicated just like that. But here, in the Savage Lands, knights won’t even wear helmets! There’s a whole army of bloody fools in the south who have gathered around this so-called King amerk and are protesting that their civil liberties are being taken away.

Cut to King dBKC sitting upon a throne of pots and pans. “Lords from all over the realm are joining the ‘Kool Kids’ as we have been dubbed. Lord amerk also applied, but he is demanding that we add ‘Klub’ to our name. He was denied.”

Cut to a tavern where Sir Drummond the Broad, Sir Penny the Frail, Sir Paul the Truthful, Sir Clyde the Fabulous, and Sir Kyrie the Fake Intellectual are sitting. Sir Paul is sitting in a wheelchair and telling the others a tale.

Sir Paul: “It all started during the knight selection process. There were some delays since Lord albiband, the Spaghetti Knight, had to send his selections via carrier pigeon from Essos.”

Sir Clyde: “Carrier pigeon? Don’t they use ravens over there?”

Sir Paul: “The lords of the realm all had to wait. Hours they waited, sometimes days. Finally the pigeons would arrive, **** on all the buildings, and deliver their picks to the Lord Hand. A couple lords got frustrated by this, but none more so than Lord amerk. He went on a tirade, suggesting kicking the Spaghetti Lord out of the tournament, and when others disagreed, he got particularly nasty. He went on this long rant about how the Spaghetti Lord was wasting his time, how he had better things to do such as watch the maidens play golf.”

Sir Kyrie: “What’s golf?”

Sir Paul: “I don’t know, but Lord amerk spends a lot of time watching. Unless the foreign maidens are playing. It was quite the spectacle. Lords at each other's throats. But then, it happened.”

Sir Clyde: “What happened?!”

Sir Paul: “It was the Spaghetti Lord’s turn and after waiting all night, a carrier pigeon flew into the Red Keep. It flew straight for the Lord Hand, Lord dh555, but on its way there it took a **** right on Lord amerk’s head.”

Sir Clyde: “OH NO!”

Sir Paul: “Lord amerk drew an arrow and shot at the bird, but it missed badly. Lord dh555 read the name Sir Dana Barros aloud and the lords looked quizzically at each other. Only bds9992 thought it was a good pick. Lord amerk cried out for vengeance. He sent a raven that night to Essos, challenging the Spaghetti Lord to a duel.”

Sir Clyde: “And? Who won the duel?”

Sir Paul: “Lord amerk is still waiting in the practice courtyard. He has said he will not leave until he has been avenged. There has been no response from Essos as of yet.”

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 5: The Kind and Knowledgeable King

Scene opens to the throne room of King’s Landing. All along the walls we see cages and within them, the lords of the realm. We focus on a few of them. In one cage, we see King dBKC casually eating a motherf*cking birthday cake. In one cage, all we see is a giant ball of spaghetti. In the next one over, Lord Brad of the Longest and Tallest House is asleep on the floor. King pexetera is clutching at the bars in the next cage, and in the cage at the end of the hall, King robusk and Lord ashamael are shouting at something off screen. We follow their gaze up the steps and we see the Iron Throne, magnificent in all its glory. Sitting upon it, is King amerk, the Kind and Knowledgeable King, but it is not the King amerk we have seen before. This one has chiseled muscles and looks regal in his flowing robes. Gold light radiates from his body. Underneath an oversized gold crown, he is no longer balding, but instead has flowing blonde locks that are billowing in the breeze. Surrounding him on all sides are scantily clad white women in red hats who are all holding golf clubs. In the center of the room, the common folk of the realm are all bowing and chanting his name. We zoom in on King amerk’s smug smile as he lifts a hand to quiet the crowd. Suddenly, the door to the throne room is thrust open by a shrill breeze. Frost starts to creep up the walls of the room. The peasants in front of King amerk suddenly rise and walk forth in slow monotonous steps with their arms raised. Their eyes have turned an icy blue. King amerk shrieks and scrambles away to the back of the room. He turns his head and sees his sword lying on the ground by his feet. He reaches for it, but as he grabs the handle, a flagon of water materializes on top of the sword. He grabs at the flagon, but cannot lift it. He grunts in frustration, then turns away. The door from the cage with the giant ball of spaghetti is flung off its hinges and giant tendrils of noodle spring forth out of the cage and towards King amerk. The other cage doors burst open as well and the lords of the realm, along with the undead peasants, all converge upon King amerk. One of the scantily clad females in the red hats swings her golf club and King amerk ducks, barely escaping. The wind off the club sweeps by his face and his hair piece flies away. He tries desperately to reach out for it, but his hands are too tiny and it escapes him. The other lords are laughing at him now. King amerk backs away from the crowd, an anguished expression on his face. The spaghetti noodles inch closer and closer and suddenly they are snakes, hissing in the face of King amerk. King amerk is staring intensely at the snake closest to him and we see his eyes lose focus. The tongue of the snake slithers closely to his ear and it starts to speak.

“Falssse king, your end is nigh.
None left to con, none left to fight.
The dead walk, blood ssstains the sssky.”

King amerk’s trembling lips shout at the snake.

“N...n….nothing you say is real.”

The snake inches closer and it’s tongue tickles the inside of King amerk’s ear.

“For on thisss very night,
You ssshall sssurely die,
From deathsss own cold bite.”

The other snakes turn back into noodles and start to strangle King amerk. He manages to choke out a few syllables. “Fake…ugh... ugh… news.” His face is turning purple as his hands claw against the noodles around his neck.

King amerk lets out a yelp and wakes panting in a cold sweat. We take in the scene and see that he is lying on a bed in the middle of a large stagecoach. We hear the plodding of horses hooves from outside the coach. The sound stops and after a few seconds, the curtains to the coach are thrown open. Standing there is a massive afro and underneath we see the face of Dr. J. King amerk scrambles to grab the hair piece beside his bed.

Dr. J: “Your Grace, are you alright?”

King amerk: “Yes, of course. I’m fine. Just another dream.”

Dr. J: “Your Grace, I worry about you. You’re not in the best health to begin with, and these dreams you keep having seem to have really taken their toll.”

King amerk: “What do you mean? I’m in great shape.”

Dr. J looks at him funny, but doesn’t say anything.

King amerk: “Are we almost there yet?”

Dr. J: “No, Your Grace. We haven’t been able to see anything in this snow storm, and I’m afraid we aren’t sure we are even on the King’s Road anymore.”

King amerk: “It’s still snowing?”

Dr. J: “Yes, Your Grace. Every day and night for over a month now.”

King amerk: “Well, I guess that proves those global warming idiots wrong.”

Dr. J opens his mouth, but thinks better of it and closes it before opening it again.

Dr. J: “Your Grace, we still have to figure out what to do once we reach King’s Landing. I know we won most of our early battles, but as of late we have not been faring well. I’m afraid we may not be able to overthrow King pexetera once we arrive.”

King amerk: “Nonsense! We won all those battles.”

Dr. J: “... Your Grace, I know you declared victory before they were over, but we still ended up losing.”

King amerk: “Fake news! We have been winning every battle. So much winning!”

Dr. J: “If you say so Your Grace. But the morale among the troops is low. They aren’t sure we will ever make it to King’s Landing.”

King amerk: “They’ll believe whatever I say. Let me go talk with them.”

He pushes the curtains open and steps outside of the coach and onto a short gradually declining ramp, followed closely by Dr. J. Immediately, his hair piece is blown back by a sharp wind, almost leaving his head completely. King amerk starts the descent down the ramp, but struggles for some prolonged seconds before reaching ground. He makes his way over to the back of the stagecoach where we can just barely see about ten to twelve peasants who have been forced to follow on foot. Through the blizzard their forms are outlined by the glow of the blazing red comet overhead. Most of their clothes are in tatters, but each wears a red half helm on top of their heads. Each helm is engraved with white letters spelling ‘MAGA’. As King amerk walks over to them, some of what they say can be heard over the shrill wind.

“Look! It’s King amerk!”

King amerk trips over his boots, but remains upright.

“He’s so graceful!”

King amerk’s hair piece flies off in the breeze.

“He’s so handsome!”

King amerk reaches for his flagon of water, but cannot lift it to his lips.

“He’s so strong”

King amerk starts to move in a way that someone somewhere might describe as dancing. His crowd cheers deliriously. He puts a hand up and the noises gradually simmer down.

King amerk: “What a yuge turnout! I always get the best numbers. Must be a thousand of you here today! Now I’ve heard that a few of you have doubts as to whether we will win this war. Fake. News. We should be at King’s Landing any day now and when we get there, we will crush that so called “King” pexetera.”

One of the common folk speaks up. “Oh Kind and Knowledgeable King, what of this pandemic we hear about that is ravaging the land?”

King amerk: “It's not real. Have you ever seen a White Walker?”

Spectator: No, but…”

King amerk: “There you have it. Besides if they do end up being real, well they are called the ‘White’ Walkers. Maybe they can join us.”

He points up at the sky.

King amerk: “The day I declared myself the King of the Savage Lands, the Sim Gods decided to honor me. That comet proves to all in the realm that I am the one true King! The SIM gods have spoken!”

There is a roar of applause. When it dies down, the same spectator from before raises his voice. “Which of the SIM gods is your favorite, Your Grace?”

King amerk: “... ahh probably… ahh… I’d have to say both of them. Equal.”

Dr. J whispers into his ear: “There are seven SIM gods, Your Grace.”

King amerk: “All seven of them. I like them all equally. But I don’t want to get into it. It’s very personal for me. Now, some people are saying we will reach King’s Landing tomorrow. That’s what they’re saying. Believe me. I will defeat King pexetera. He’s a very not good battle guy. Then I will take the Iron Throne and be King of all the Savage Lands! Make Amerk Great again!”

The crowd starts chanting. “Make Amerk Great Again! Make Amerk Great Again! Make Amerk Great Again!”

From somewhere off screen we hear someone ask, “Wait, was he ever great? Has he ever even been okay?”

Suddenly we hear a piercing scream from the back of the small crowd. A few spectators in the front turn around confused.

King amerk: “What was that?”

The camera cuts to the back of the crowd where one spectator screams and suddenly disappears into the blizzard. Another scream is heard and a bloody gash appears on a different peasant. More screams. More blood. The remaining spectators scramble away screaming and looking backwards. Out of the swirling snow steps the outline of a figure. As it comes closer into view we see that it is Sir Rollins, the Tree knight. His flesh is pale as milk and his eyes are as cold as ice. Blood is trickling down from his mouth. He stumbles forwards, one leg dangling by a thread, towards King amerk.

Dr. J grabs at King amerk and tries to drag him away, but King amerk doesn’t budge. He lifts one hand towards Sir Rollins and points.

King amerk: “But… but… the pandemic isn’t real!”

Sir Rollins opens his mouth and chomps down hard on King amerk’s hand. King amerk drops to the ground, screaming shrilly. Dr. J steps forth and with one graceful swoop of his sword, Sir Rollins’ head is seen rolling past the king. Dr. J grabs King amerk’s good hand and starts to drag him away. We can still hear screams in the distance.

Dr. J: “Hurry, Your Grace. Through these trees, it’s our only chance.”

Dr. J and King amerk scramble through the woods, lost in the blizzard. King amerk is holding his bitten hand and we can see that it has turned blue.

King amerk: “It bit me! Dr. I need treatment!”

Dr. J: “As soon as I get you out of here I promise I’ll get you the best help I can, but right now we have to move.”

King amerk: “Make sure whatever treatment you get me is better than the stuff I let you give my followers!”

The two stumble into a clearing. Through the blizzard we see a row of tents lined up in an alternating green, white, and red pattern. Each one has a flag flying high above it with the sigil of a plate of spaghetti.

Dr. J: “The Spaghetti Lord! We are saved!”

King amerk: “No! Anyone but him! He never drafts on time.”

Dr. J: “I’m going to go get help. Stay here.”

Dr. J lopes off to the largest of the tents and enters. King amerk looks around with a panicky expression on his face. The snow is still whirling around and it is becoming harder and harder to make out the tents or the forest beyond. Off screen, we hear a loud thud.

King amerk is kneeling on the ground now and holding his hand. The bite wound has taken over almost his entire arm by now and we can see the infection spread rapidly in a webbed pattern. “Dr. J?”

A silhouette emerges from the snow. As it steps closer we see the form of Lord albiband the Spaghetti knight. However, he looks much different than when we saw him last. His designer clothing is torn to shreds, and his skin is as pale as death. In one arm, he holds a great sword. In the other, the severed head of Dr. J, blood dripping from the neck. He approaches King amerk and slowly raises his sword.

We zoom in on King amerk’s terrified face. He locks eyes with Lord albiband and then looks down at the severed head of his former doctor and bodyguard. A look of disgust comes over him.

King amerk: “I knew I should have drafted a white doctor.”

Our screen goes black and we hear a loud “Thwack.” White block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.

Season 3 - Episode 6: The Red King
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to a blood red comet streaked across the morning sky. Below it, a single snowflake is drifting towards the ground. We follow its path as it winds downward. Below we see Sir LeBron James riding upon a white stallion through the streets of Braavos. Accompanying him is Sir Anthony of Brow, riding upon a chestnut brown horse. The snowflake finally rests upon the balding head of Sir LeBron.

Sir LeBron: “I would like to fight alongside you too Sir Anthony, but I must stay loyal to my Lord, Gerry the Red.”

Sir Anthony: “But Sir, haven’t you heard what he does to knights in that house of his? He scoops out their eyes! He cuts off their ears! I heard he even slits their throats sometimes!”

Sir LeBron: “Just a legend. My lord would never dare do any of that to me.”

Sir Anthony: “I don’t know, it appears he’s already stolen some of your hair.”

Sir LeBron and his horse abruptly come to a stop and Sir Anthony almost bumps into them. We see that they are in front of the marble steps leading up to the House of No Evil. There are two large ornate doors at the top of the steps. The left door is made of white weirwood. The right is ebony. In the center of the doors is a carved monkey face made of ebony on the weirwood side and weirwood on the ebony side. Instead of eyes, it has two empty sockets. The left socket is weirwood against the ebony monkey face, the right socket is ebony against the weirwood monkey face. Next to the doors on either side are two sculptures of monkeys. The one on the left is holding its hands over its ears. The one on the right is holding its hands over its mouth. The two doors open and three hooded figures step out and onto the top step. The one in front holds out an arm and a hand that isn’t quite human protrudes from the extended sleeve. A long finger stretches out and points first at Sir LeBron, and then back at the doors. Sir LeBron gives Sir Anthony one last look before climbing the steps and entering the large building. The three hooded figures enter behind him and as the last one reaches back to close the doors, we see the tip of a tail protrude from under the robes.

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 6: The Red King

Scene opens to a whirlwind of snow and ice high in the sky. As our shot widens, we see the red glow from the comet take over our screen. It is lower in the sky then before and is threatening to dip below the horizon, but it is as bright as ever and shines clearly through the blizzard. As our camera follows its plight, we see an equally bright red blaze engulfing the woods below. Flames dance upwards and our entire shot is now full of burning trees. The morning air is dark with smoke, but as our screen clears a little we can see what is happening below the tree line.

An inferno of fire greets us, blazing atop a massive pyre. Flames rise through the whirling snow of the blizzard, twisting and curling through the sky. Atop the pyre, we see six great wooden statues depicting the Old Gods of the SIM. We see the scales of Probability, the box score of Randomness, the forum post of Chaos, the draft center of Disorder, the bust of Efficiency resembling Sir Tyson, and the portrait of Lord amerk for Self-Loathing. The old dry wood of the statues starts to blacken and come ablaze. Next to the statues we see an old worn basketball. From the orange glow emanating from the fire, we see one lone statue upon the nearby hill. It resembles an ancient scroll. The seventh Old God of the SIM has been left untouched. Steam rises from the fire, shimmering through the chill air. Behind the pyre, the knights gathered around seem blurred.

A red priest, robed all in scarlet satin and blood velvet with a great ruby glistening at his throat, starts to walk around the fire. He prays, first in the old speech of the SIM, then in a language unknown, and finally in the common tongue for all to hear.

Lord ashamael: “Usage, one true god, most important of all statistics, come to us in our darkness. I offer you these false gods, these six pretenders who try to cast you in shadow. Take them and cast your light upon us, for the SIM is dark and full of terrors.”

Behind him, we see two flags blowing fiercely in the storm. One has a purple horse striding upon a blue field surrounded by a fiery circle. Underneath this banner we see Lord ashamael’s knights echoing the words of their lord out loud. The second banner has a sigil upon its center bearing a monkey without eyes or ears and with a slash across its throat. The monkey is also engulfed in a burning circle of fire. Underneath the banner, a number of knights of House Gerry the Red are gathered.

Lord ashamael: “The ancient scrolls talk of a day when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning basketball and he who dribbles it shall be the chosen Warrior of Light, and the darkness shall flee before him.”

Lord ashamael walks over from the fire and we see King Gerry the Red. His hair matches the color from the flames. Next to him, standing erect and armored to the teeth, we see a fearsome knight. The camera slowly moves up to his face and we see that where his eyes used to be, instead there are empty pits. He has no ears, and there is a bloody scar across his throat. Despite the deformities, it is clear who stands next to the King. The unmistakable beard and balding forehead betray that it is Sir LeBron. Behind him, three monkeys crouch low, all holding the back of King Gerry’s cloak from touching the ground. King Gerry the Red leans forward and whispers to Lord ashamael.

King Gerry the Red: “Are you sure that’s in the Usage scrolls? I don’t remember reading anything about burning basketballs.”

Lord ashamael: “Of course I’m sure, I wrote them after all.”

King Gerry the Red: “Well okay. I guess. But do I really have to reach my hand into the fire?”

Lord ashamael: “This is the only way. It will help us defeat the White Walkers. I only need one more victory over them and I’ll get 20 extra points.”

King Gerry the Red: “What?”

Lord ashamael: “I mean, once we defeat the White Walkers nothing will stand in your way of the throne.”

King Gerry the Red: “What about the other lords who have declared themselves to be King?”

Lord ashamael: “Look, this is what we are doing. Just listen to me alright?”

King Gerry the Red: “Okay, I guess you would know best.”

Lord ashamael turns back to the crowd of knights. “Warrior of Light, come forth and seize your destiny!”

King Gerry the Red strides forward uneasily. He approaches the flames, but flinches back as the fire reaches out for him. He looks back towards Lord ashamael who nods. King Gerry the Red turns back to the flames and quickly thrusts his hands into the fire. He wrenches the basketball engulfed in flames free of the burning wood with a single jerk, then retreats, ball held high, flames swirling around his hands.

Lord ashamael: “Behold! The ball of fire! All hail the Warrior of Light! All hail the Son of Fire! All hail King Gerry the Red!”

A wave of euphoric shouts from the knights in attendance give answer. Then, we hear a yelp from King Gerry the Red as his sleeves catch fire.

The three monkeys rush forward. One takes the ball and flings it in the snow. Another grasps the hands of King Gerry the Red as the third pushes him downwards into the snow. A second later the fire surrounding his hands is extinguished and King Gerry the Red is left gasping on the ground.

We zoom in on Sir Russell and Sir Worthy of House Gerry the Red, who are looking back and forth from the other knights with unease.

Sir Russell: “This isn’t right. I’ve prayed to the SIM gods before every single battle for as long as I can remember.”

Sir Worthy: “At least we still have Usage.”

Sir Russell: “What good has that one ever done me? This red priest is bad news. I don’t know why King Gerry ever agreed to join with Lord ashamael.”

Sir Worthy: “The pressure must have gotten to him. Sir LeBron may be the best fighter in the realm, but he certainly puts a target on your back. Our Lord Gerry was named King by a few of the lesser lords before the war even started.”

Sir Russell: “That’s true. King Gerry is great. He has one of the best armies in the whole kingdom. But maybe he should have waited to declare himself King.”

Sir Worthy: “We should have joined up with Lord jkaye24 instead. He might have the second best army in the realm right now, next to that cake eater.”

Sir Russell: “How were we supposed to know he’d be doing so well though? He was only just appointed to be a new lord of the Savage Lands before the war started. There was no way to know he would start winning all of his battles. And he didn’t even draft usage until the third round! Now that’s a lord I’d love to fight for.”

Sir Worthy: “Be careful. Remember where you are.”

The camera pans around the scene. King Gerry the Red is being helped off the ground by his monkeys. Lord ashamael has worked the crowd of knights into a frenzy and they all stand at attention.

Lord ashamael: “Sir LeBron, greatest of knights, step forth!”

Sir LeBron approaches with a grace he never had before, as if he is floating.

Lord ashamael: “Sir LeBron, you have proven yourself through the red trials to be worthy. You shall lead my… er, King Gerry’s army as we March south to attack bds… er, the white walkers and claim my… er, the throne.”

From a group of knights gathered together we see a slender knight approach hesitantly.

Sir Curry: “My Lord ashamael, what about me? I thought I was your greatest knight?”

Lord ashamael: “You had your chance. Not a single division lead for any of my five armies? Are you kidding me?”

Sir Curry: “My Lord, if you could just let me lead one of your armies, I won’t let you down.”

Lord ashamael: “With Sir LeBron leading my armies now, I don’t have much need for your skills in battle anymore.”

King Gerry the Red: “You mean leading my armies, right?”

Lord ashamael: “Er… yes, of course. Sir Curry, go forth and scout our playoff opponents. Rendezvous with us near King’s Landing and report back to me.”

Sir Curry looks like he is going to say something, but thinks better of it and walks solemnly away towards his horse. Lord ashamael turns back to Sir LeBron.

Lord ashamael: “Sir LeBron, you shall lead the main host and be in command of all soldiers from House Gerry the Red and House ashamael. Do you accept?”

Sir LeBron nods once, then turns sharply and begins gliding away from the blazing inferno. The other knights fall in line and start marching away. King Gerry the Red opens his mouth to shout to his army, but thinks better of it and falls in line behind them. We zoom in on Lord ashamael’s broad smirk.

Cut to Sir LeBron gliding through the forest. Snow and wind swirl all around him. He comes to a small clearing where we see a frozen stream. There are two paths near it, splitting in opposite directions. One path has trees uprooted all along it with some blocking the way. The other path is clear. Sir LeBron doesn’t hesitate, choosing the path with the fallen trees. Far behind him we see the armies of King Gerry the Red and Lord ashamael. Farther back we can see the red glow from the fiery pyre still burning through the trees and above that, the comet’s tail hovering just over the horizon, almost out of sight. The camera starts on Sir LeBron’s eyeless face before drifting back towards the troops. We focus once more on Sir Russell and Sir Worthy of House Gerry the Red.

Sir Worthy: “How can he see anything in this blizzard? I can barely see you right next to me and I’m wearing special goggles. I don’t even see him anymore.”

Sir Russell: “He got the ‘No Evil’ treatment. They take your ears, and somehow you can hear better than before. They take your voice, yet somehow you’re easier to understand. Then they take your eyes, and you can see better than you ever have.”

Sir Worthy: “Did they take out parts of his legs too? He’s not even touching the ground when he walks now.”

Sir Russell: “I think they just took his Cavs. They never really supported him well anyways.”

The swirling blizzard suddenly stops and air clears. The night sky is finally visible, and we see the very tip of the comet’s tail dip below the horizon. Up ahead, Sir LeBron stands motionless between the trees at what looks to be the entrance to another clearing. The armies slowly catch up with him and we see what is ahead. A number of bodies litter the ground. We see Sir Karl of the Town, Sir Chauncey, Sir Kirilenko and the rest of bds9992’s white walkers lying motionless, dead. The three eyed Bird is sprawled out to the side, back broken and lying in a pool of its own blood.

Sir Worthy: “What happened here?”

Sir Russell: “I guess they didn’t block enough attacks.”

Behind them, King Gerry the Red and Lord ashamael approach. Lord ashamael takes one look at the fallen White Walkers and sinks to his knees, hands clutching at his hair.

Lord ashamael: “NOOO! It can’t be! If bds9992 has been defeated, then he still holds the tie-breaker over me. I won’t be able to get all five armies in the playoffs and get my 20 bonus points!”

King Gerry the Red: “What are you talking about?”

Lord ashamael: “You fool. I only joined you so that I could steal Sir LeBron. He was to lead my armies against King pexetera and the other false Kings and I would claim what should have been mine long ago.”

King Gerry the Red: “But… but… you said I was the Warrior of Light? The Son of Fire?”

Lord ashamael sneers. “You are nothing. Nothing! Just because your hair is red does not make you the Son of Fire!”

King Gerry the Red: “But… but… I trusted you!”

Lord ashamael sneers once more, but just as he is about to speak a horse rides into the clearing from the other side with a lone rider. It is Sir Curry of House ashamael and his expression looks grim. He dismounts and hurries over to his Lord.

Sir Curry: “My Lord, I’m afraid I have dire news.”

Lord ashamael: “What is it?”

Sir Curry: “Three of your armies have all been defeated in the playoffs.”

Lord ashamael: “What?! Impossible! How did this happen?”

Sir Curry: “Well, your first army was defeated by Lord jkaye24 in Jersey City.”

Lord ashamael: “But this is his first time in command of a Savage Land army! How did you let him defeat you?”

Sir Curry: “Your second army, as you know, lost a tie-breaker to the White Walkers.”

Lord ashamael: “Yes, yes. What about my third army? They were my best one. Expertly crafted, put together by a mastermind. They were going to lead my assault on the throne!”

Sir Curry: “Ambushed in the Magnolia Forest. We were set upon by the Hand of the King, Lord dh555 and his general, Sir Karl, the Sitemail Man.”

Lord ashamael: “But Sir Karl never wins the big fights?”

Sir Curry: “Well, this was only the first round.”

Lord ashamael: “What about my fourth army, the Thieves?”

Sir Curry: “Well, after a night of thieving, they decided to continue their debauchery and head to the nearest brothel. Lord 24kpyrite was there waiting. We never had a chance. He just knew that place inside and out.”

Lord ashamael is staring at Sir Curry, stunned. It takes him a moment to regain his composure. He turns around and sizes up the remaining men nearest to him. “Well, at least I still have my fifth army. And I control all of King Gerry the Red’s forces as well. It’s not ideal, but I think I can still win this. Who does my fifth army fight? … Sir Curry? … Sir Curry?”

Lord ashamael turns around and we see a shocked expression on Sir Curry’s face. The camera lowers and we see a pool of blood spreading from his midsection surrounding the tip of a great longsword. Sir Curry falls over and we see who is responsible.

King Gerry the Red: “You lied to me. I would have made you my Hand of the King. I trusted you.”

King Gerry the Red pulls out the sword from Sir Curry’s back and points it at Lord ashamael. “Now your armies are all defeated. Leave now, or I will end you too.”

Lord ashamael looks at Sir Curry’s body, then back to King Gerry the Red with a look of fury on his face. “You dare attack me? I am the only reason any of the lords in this realm even know how to fight. Every battle you have ever won is because of me. Without me, you wouldn’t even know about the Usage god. You owe me your allegiance, and this is how you repay me?” He looks over to Sir LeBron. “Sir LeBron, finish him.”

Lord Gerry the Red looks over to his finest knight with a look of panic on his face. Sir LeBron’s eyeless face turns towards his King, then back towards Lord ashamael. He raises his sword and starts to glide in the red priest’s direction.

Lord ashamael: “What are you doing? You are my knight now. I performed the ritual binding you to my service.”

Sir LeBron swings his sword and Lord ashamael throws himself backwards, barely avoiding the tip. He falls to the ground with a thud. He looks over at King Gerry the Red with a sneer. Then, his hands erupt into flames and he thrusts them towards the King and his men. Sir LeBron steps in front of them and the flames die out as they make contact with him. Where Lord ashamael was a second before, there is only a scorched circle in the ground.

King Gerry the Red: “Is he gone? Where did he go?”

Sir LeBron turns his head towards his King, then beckons him forward with a finger. He begins to glide across the clearing once more. King Gerry the Red looks at the rest of his knights, shrugs, then follows Sir LeBron with the rest of his army not far behind. Sir LeBron leads them to the edge of trees. We see light pouring in from the tops of the canopies and the next second they are out of the forest at last. They have reached King’s Landing.

We see the great castle of the Red Keep rising high in the sky, surrounded by walls. King pexetera’s knights are visible at the top of the walls, preparing for battle. Below them, in every direction, we see that a number of armies have gathered for a final battle. King robusk is seen riding one of his beefy solvers and surrounded by his knights. King dBKC and Lord jhsukow are fully decked in battle armor. Behind them, we see a massive motherf*cking birthday cake being pushed by cart by their respective knights. Lord jkaye24 has gathered his knights as well and is seen giving them a rousing speech.

Our camera pans slowly over the armies. We see other Lords as well who are still in the fight. We pan over Lord Midge, Lord jcred, 5th of his name, Lord tarheel, Lord dh555, and Lord 24kpyrite. As they prepare for the final battle of the Savage Lands to decide control of the kingdom, we hear war drums pounding. Our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.

Season 3 - Episode 7: The Iron Throne
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to King pexetera standing in his throne room, shoulders shaking, and staring at the ground with a distant expression on his face.

“When the dead live and the Warlock dies,
Five kings shall be declared,
And blood will stain the skies.

The old king must beware,
A shadow, a coin, a birthday cake,
And an unexpected pair.

For when the arrow pierces the eye of the snake,
A new king shall rise,
The Iron throne he shall take.”

Cut to a red priest, robed all in scarlet satin and blood velvet with a great ruby glistening at his throat walking around a fiery inferno. He starts to pray in the common tongue for all to hear.

Lord ashamael: “The SIM is dark and full of terrors. The ancient scrolls talk of a day when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning basketball and he who dribbles it shall be the chosen Warrior of Light, and the darkness shall flee before him.”

Cut to King robusk sitting at his desk shaped throne. Before him stand Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber.

Sir Chris Paul: “We are certain to be victorious, Your Grace. The red comet in the sky is heralding your victory.”

King robusk rolls his eyes. “It is not my comet, no matter what the small folk say. Use some logic and reason. The SIM gods are cruel. You think they care who sits on a stupid throne? No, the comet signifies the death of Grand Maester Seble, the ancient Warlock himself. There’s some new warlock now. He promises change, promises to listen to the lords of the land.”

Cut to King dBKC sitting on a throne made of pots and pans, surrounded by the knights and lords in his service.

King dBKC: “All these motherf*cking birthdays and King pexetera still sits the Iron Throne. I am sick of always coming in second place. King pexetera thinks he’s the best lord in the Savage Lands even though I defeated him in the Savage Wars and almost beat him in the Hand’s tournament. He claims I’m only doing well in this war because I am led by the great Admiral Robinson, but I did not need your services before. I think it is time to show King pexetera who the rightful king of the Savage Lands really is. Admiral?”

Sir Robinson: “Yes, Your Grace?”

King dBKC: “Put on those other four stars of yours. On the morrow, we march towards King’s Landing to win the throne.”

There is an excited murmur in the throne room. Knights look back and forth at each other and nod their heads in agreement.

King dBKC: “Lord jhsukow?”

Lord jhsukow: “Yes, Your Grace?”

King dBKC: “I have a special cake order for Sir Harden to make tonight.”

Cut to an aerial shot of King’s Landing. We see the great castle of the Red Keep rising high in the sky, surrounded by walls. King pexetera’s knights are visible at the top of the walls, preparing for battle. Below them, in every direction, we see that a number of armies have gathered for a final battle. King robusk is seen riding one of his beefy solvers and surrounded by his knights. King dBKC and Lord jhsukow are fully decked in battle armor. Behind them, we see a massive motherf*cking birthday cake being pushed by cart by their respective knights. Lord jkaye24 has gathered his knights as well and is seen giving them a rousing speech.

Our camera pans slowly over the armies. We see other Lords as well who are still in the fight. We pan over Lord Midge, Lord jcred, 5th of his name, Lord tarheel, Lord dh555, and Lord 24kpyrite. As they prepare for the final battle of the Savage Lands to decide control of the kingdom, we hear war drums pounding.

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 7: The Iron Throne

Scene opens to an aerial view of King’s Landing. All the armies of the realm are now here, converging on the gates of the Red Keep. War drums are pounding, people are screaming, and the sound of metal clanging against metal can be heard. Our camera moves over the gates and then to the highest tower of the castle. We see a singular window near the peak, ornate and expensively decorated. From inside the window a lone figure looks out at the carnage happening in the city. Sporting a bad blonde haircut that has to be a wig, we see King pexetera standing there wringing his hands and grimacing. Around his neck slithers a massive copperhead snake making soft hissing noises in his ear.

From behind him we see Lord 20ks approach.

Lord 20ks: “Your Grace, all of your armies have been defeated. The main gate has been breached. They will be storming the castle doors any moment now. What would you like me to do?”

King pexetera doesn’t bother turning around and instead gazes listlessly out the window.

Lord 20ks: “Your Grace? … Your Grace?”

King pexetera turns his head to his snake and speaks softly, “Where did it all go wrong?”

Lord 20ks: “I don’t know your Grace, I’m as shocked as you are that the other Lords are rebelling like this. I mean, you did write four whole evaluations after winning the crown. And you even waited until after most of the fighting to make sure you got everything right! They should be thanking you!”

King pexetera strokes the head of the snake around his shoulders. He is still looking into the eyes of the copperhead and seems oblivious to Lord 20ks standing behind him. “You are my last defense now.”

Lord 20ks: “Thank you, Your Grace. I know I didn’t fight that well in the battles of this war, but you yourself said I should have done much better. I won’t let you down.”

King pexetera goes back to looking out the window without responding, but there is a loud banging sound on the door to the room that startles both occupants. King pexetera and Lord 20ks both stare at the door for a few seconds, but it doesn’t open. Lord 20ks strides over to the door and creaks it open. His mouth hangs open.

King pexetera: “What is it?”

Lord 20ks: “I don’t understand. There’s no one here. Just this massive cake.”

King pexetera: “Cake? Quit talking nonsense. What is…”

Lord 20ks pushes the doors open and we see a gigantic birthday cake taking up the entire hallway. It is a red cake with white frosting, and on top of it, we see thirteen lit candles, all of different colors. Below the cake is a low cart with four huge wheels.

King pexetera and Lord 20ks stare open mouthed as the cake seemingly glides into the room. From underneath the cart, the camera just barely catches two stubby feet slowly walking the cake forward. The cake stops moving. There is a moment of inaction before suddenly a figure explodes out of it carrying a long wooden bow. He is covered head to toe in frosting and pieces of cake which make him seem much larger than a normal person, but we see the unmistakable beard of Sir Harden.

He gives a little shake and steps backwards and the food falls off him to the floor. It wasn’t as much food as it looked at first, as Sir Harden is still clearly out of shape. We see a mountain of cake crumbs still stuck in his beard. He is panting and hunched over, but manages to straighten up and look King pexetera in the eye.

Sir Harden: “King dBKC… wants me to... tell you... something.” He reaches behind his shoulder and draws an arrow. “Happy motherf*cking birthday!”

King pexetera ducks as the arrow flies by, missing him by a wide margin. The snake around his shoulders falls to the floor and slithers away.

Sir Harden: “Don’t… worry... I have… twenty six more.”

We see arrow after arrow shoot by in quick succession, but none come close to their mark. Sir Harden reaches behind him once more and grabs the very last arrow. King pexetera straightens up and looks over at Sir Harden. He points at the rather large belly that Sir Harden seems to have gotten while inside the cake.

King pexetera: “Sir Harden, it looks like your time with your current army hasn’t been all you hoped for. Maybe a trade is in order. Fight for me! Help me defend the throne and together we will rule the realm! Only I can fix your situation now.”

Sir Harden draws the last arrow back in his bow. “This is a situation that can’t be fixed.” He lets the arrow loose. In slow motion, our camera tracks the flight of this twenty-seventh arrow as it glides through the air. We see an amused King pexetera watch as it soars errantly away from him. Then his eyes widen, and his smirk turns to despair. We resume live motion and pan over to the giant copperhead snake pinned to the wall by the arrow through its eye.

King pexetera: “NOOOOOOOO!”

The scream echoes throughout the castle and we get a quick glimpse of an army storming up the stairs from the main floor. The soldiers pause as they hear the shout reverberating through the close quarters of the staircase, but we are unable to make out their faces.

King pexetera looks away from his snake and over at Sir Harden with fury in his eyes. Sir Harden is standing there looking from King pexetera to the snake and back. He drops his bow and raises his two hands.

Sir Harden: “I surrender. I’m completely defenseless.”

Lord 20ks steps up from behind them. “Haven’t you always been defenseless?”

Sir Harden looks over to him, with crumbs still falling out of his beard. “Somehow, in the Savage Lands, I’m actually a better defender than the great Sir Russell.”

King pexetera takes two strides over and extends a small dagger into the enormous gut of Sir Harden. Sir Harden’s eyes go wide, but then return to normal. He looks down at the dagger sticking out of his gut.

Sir Harden: “Guess eating all that cake and reporting to the fights out of shape was a good idea after all!” He looks over to Sir 20ks. “Extra padding.”

King pexetera pulls out the dagger and with a grunt, slashes it across Sir Harden’s throat. His beard is sliced mostly off, but there isn’t a scratch on Sir Harden’s neck.

Sir Harden: “I guess I have better defense than even I thought!”

Lord 20ks: “Your Grace, I don’t think he can be killed!”

King pexetera: “Nonsense! Throw him out that window and into that brook outside.”

Sir Harden waddles over to the window. “Ooh, I think I see Sir Durant!” He attempts to jump out the window on his own, but gets stuck for a few seconds before squeezing out.

King pexetera and Lord 20ks stand still staring out the window for a moment, but then a broad shadow creeps towards them from the doorway. They turn around to see Admiral Robinson standing there. Behind him we see Sir Penny and the rest of King dBKC’s army. Admiral Robinson and his troops advance, and we zoom in on King pexetera’s horrified face as he shrinks away.

Cut to another battle happening in the halls of the great castle. We see Sir Karl the Sitemail man of House dh555 battling against Sir Stockton of House jkaye. Sir Stockton has a basketball instead of a sword and is using it to parry attacks from Sir Karl. Nearby we see Sir Pierce fighting in a wheelchair against Sir Vince who keeps jumping over his head. On the far side of the room, Sir Mookie and Sir Unseld are fighting against Sir DeAndre and Sir Melo. We zoom in first on the latter battle. Sir DeAndre knocks over Sir Mookie and comes in for a killing strike, but Sir Melo steps in front of him and attempts a strike of his own. Sir Mookie easily parries and scrambles to his feet. Sir Unseld steps forth and knocks down Sir Melo, who crumbles under the pressure of his fists. Sir DeAndre, without Sir Melo to take his strikes, brings his sword down upon the helm of Sir Mookie. He turns towards Sir Unseld before unleashing a series of moves without missing. His final thrust, RIPs through the chainmail of Sir Unseld, who falls to the floor.

We swing over to Sir Pierce who is struggling to deflect the blows coming from Sir Vince who is still leaping continuously over his head. One of the strikes gets past his defenses and lightly scrapes the side of Sir Pierce, who acts as if he has lost a limb. With one hand he clutches at a leg and with the other he ushers over a few nameless knights who carry him away from the battle. As they leave the room, our camera catches a glimpse of brown on the underside of his armor.

We focus now on the central battle of the room. Sir Malone, who is wearing Sketchers brand armored boots, keeps attempting his patented rolling strikes, but it is as if Sir Stockton is anticipating every move.

Sir Malone: “Get out of my way. I need to resume my hunt for little Mexican girls.”

Sir Stockton: “But Sir Karl, haven’t you checked the sun lately.”

Sir Malone: “The sun? No. Why?”

Sir Stockton: “It’s no longer Saturday…”

Sir Malone’s eyes widen for a moment, but then he narrows them and charges at Sir Stockton. He lets loose a flurry of attacks, but they all miss. Sir Stockton calmly throws a chest pass and the basketball he was holding barrels into Sir Karl, knocking him over. Sir Stockton walks over and calmly picks up the ball.

Sir Stockton: “I give, and now you must go.”

The knights of House jkaye storm through the hallways of the castle. There are lighted torches hanging on the walls and Sir Stockton stops quickly to grab one. They turn around the corner before suddenly coming face to face with the knights of House dBKC. In front of them, we see two grand doors leading to the throne room. Behind the two armies, Lord jkaye24 and King dBKC push through and meet face to face.

King dBKC: “Lord jkaye. I am surprised to see you here. You weren’t one of the Lords who declared themselves to be king?”

Lord jkaye: “I figured, everyone else was fighting for the throne, I might as well join them.”

King dBKC: “Well, I’m impressed. New lord in the Savage Lands and already you show you are among the best. It’s just too bad.”

Lord dBKC: “Too bad?”

King dBKC: “Yes. You see, today just happens to be my motherf*cking birthday.”

King dBKC steps back and Admiral Robinson steps forth, swinging his sword. Lord jkaye just barely manages to duck away, losing his footing and scrambling back behind his men. The fight is on and we see swords clash and bows drawn. Sir Vince tries to leap over Sir Dirk, but Sir Dirk fades backwards slightly, raises one leg, and throws his sword up in the air, releasing it at the very highest point. The sword slices right through Sir Vince who crumples to the ground. Sir DeAndre is double teamed by Sir Deron and Sir Penny who quickly disarm him. Sir Stockton tries another chest pass, but Sir Kawhi catches it with one monster hand. He robotically throws it back to Sir Stockton with increased velocity. The ball crashes into the torch held by Sir Stockton and catches ablaze as the torch is knocked out of his hand. The fire from the torch starts to spread, first to the curtains on the windows and then through the hallway.

Our camera zooms in on King dBKC as he calmly strides over to the blazing basketball. He picks it up and turns towards Lord jkaye, a triumphant look upon his face. King dBKC tries to dribble the ball over to Lord jkaye, but struggles. He is hunched over and staring right at the ball as he awkwardly makes his way across the hallway. He stops dribbling and picks up the basketball before looking directly over at the other lord.

King dBKC: “What? I’m good with fake basketball, not the real thing.”

King dBKC throws the basketball at Lord jkaye who shrieks as his robes catch fire. He turns and starts running away and his knights follow closely behind.

King dBKC smirks and turns to his army.

King dBKC: “The Iron Throne is mine at last!”

He pushes open the great doors and leads his army into the throne room. At the end of the long aisle is the Iron Throne, and sitting on it is a lone figure.

King dBKC: “Who are you? How dare you sit what is rightfully mine.”

The figure looks over at the King before speaking. “I am adlorenz, the Grand Maester of the realm. Grand Maester Seble is dead. I will be running things from now on.”

King dBKC looks confused. “Running things? You mean you will be serving me, your King.”

Grand Maester adlorenz: “No. It seems like I have a lot of work to do here to return the realm to its former glory. The first thing we need to do is set up a great council to decide the future of the Savage Lands and how it should be ruled.”

King dBKC scoffs: “I don’t know who you think you are, but I am the King of these lands now. The one true King. I defeated all the other pretenders. The throne is now mine. Admiral, attack this traitor.”

Admiral Robinson and the rest of the knights advance on Grand Maester adlorenz, but he casually flicks his wrist and all of their weapons disappear.

Grand Maester adlorenz: “I’m afraid Lord dBKC, that we will be needing new leadership of the Savage Lands.”

Cut to a gathering of all the lords of the realm. They are all seated in chairs outside in the great fighting courtyard that once held the Hand’s Tourney. In the chair at the center of the courtyard we see Grand Maester adlorenz sitting patiently. We zoom in on each face of the lords who are gathered. It is not just the lords who have fought in the Savage Wars, but every lord throughout the Savage Lands. Each one is alertly watching adlorenz, with the lone exception being Lord Brad of the Longest and Tallest House who is fast asleep in his chair.

Grand Maester adlorenz: “Lords of the Savage Lands, you are gathered here today as part of a great council to decide our future. We shall decide together who sits the Iron Throne as King.”

Grand Maester adlorenz flicks his wrist and suddenly there is parchment and quill in the hands of each of the lords.

Grand Maester adlorenz: “It is time to vote on the new ruler of the realm. Write down who you think shall be king.”

From one of the chairs, Lord dBKC pipes up, “But I finally won! I’ve been second so many times before, but this time I won. It’s not fair. I finally win and now we decide to become a democracy?”

Grand Maester adlorenz ignores this outburst. With another flick of the wrist, all of the parchments are in his hand. He starts looking at each vote. A small smirk graces his face.

Grand Maester adlorenz: “Looks like each one of you voted for yourselves. Well, except for Lord cjok and fryedluke who voted for each other. No surprises there. I guess this land is in more need of my help than I had previously thought. Until I figure out more about the workings of this realm, I shall act as King. I will rely on this council of lords to guide me as I learn more.”

There is a loud murmur from the lords gathered, but most seem to be nodding in agreement. One lord however, is not too pleased.

Lord dBKC: “But the prophecy! It said that whoever defeated King pexetera shall take the throne!”

Grand Maester adlorenz: “That just seems like bad writing. So much good storytelling just to phone it in at the end.” He shakes his head slowly. “Just like the source material.”

Cut to a dark alley in the streets of King’s Landing. We see the former Hand of the King, Lord dh555 who is wearing a fancy doublet. Next to him, the air shimmers and a shadowy figure appears. We cannot see its face, but a hand appears out of the shadows. The hand slowly twists and Lord dh555’s eyes gloss over.

Lord dh555: “Everything is in place. A new war shall take over the Savage Lands, more savage than ever before. It will be as you commanded. But what about this new Grand Maester?”

A voice comes out from the shadows, “Leave him to me.”

There is a loud popping sound and Lord dh555’s eyes return to normal. The blackness of the shadow starts to slowly disappear inwards, but before it can leave our camera zooms in and the darkness takes over our entire screen. White block letters fill the void: GAME OF ZONES.

Preview of Season 4

Scene opens to the darkness of outer space. A few stars shimmer into existence in the distance. Suddenly there’s a lens flare and a starship zooms onto our screen. Followed closely behind it we see two other smaller starships. The smaller starships are firing green lasers at the larger ship, which is veering left and right, and upside down trying to evade the weapons.

Our camera is suddenly inside the spaceship. At the pilot controls, face contorted in concentration, we see bds9992. He is wearing a long sleeved shirt with a deep v-neck. Over it, is a black vest with many pockets and at his waist sits a holster with a blaster rifle inside. Next to him amerk1180 sits in a large furry costume. Behind them stands a golden robot who looks a lot like robusk and a beautiful princess in a flowing white gown with the face of ashamael.

Princess Ash: “What are you doing? You’re not actually going to start Maurice Cheeks at power forward are you?”

bdSolo: “They’d be crazy to expect it, wouldn’t they?”

Princess Ash: “You don’t have to do this to impress me.”

C3PROB: “But Sir, the possibility of you successfully winning your first championship is approximately three thousand seven hundred twenty to one!”

bdSolo: “Never tell me the odds!”

Our screen goes dark and as a familiar musical score starts to play, large yellow letters take over the screen, backdropped by the blackness of space and a few distant stars.

SIM WARS: EPISODE IV
A NEW IDEA

Those words disappear and are replaced by the words,

Coming soon to a desktop or mobile device near you.*



*Disclaimer: Not sure I’m actually going to do this or not. I might be done with GOZ unless something crazy happens in season IV. I’d like to continue doing some of this stuff, but no promises.

Just incredible work as always Ben. Some really phenomenal jokes in there, just expertly crafted.

cake eater, dBKC
Rodman named his horse Carmen
those had me rolling

The evals comment was top notch hahaha. Loved the whole thing!!

Posted by pexetera on 12/5/2020 10:10:00 PM (view original):
cake eater, dBKC
Rodman named his horse Carmen
those had me rolling

Glad you liked it pex! Cracked a few jokes at your expense this episode but figured you could take it since you are kicking my *** in the standings! Next up: robusk!

Episode 2: The King of Logic and Reason will be released tomorrow, probably sometime in the evening.

Season 3 - Episode 2: The King of Logic and Reason
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to a single snowflake drifting down from the sky. We follow its path as it winds downward. Below we see Sir LeBron James riding upon a white stallion through the streets of Braavos. Accompanying him is Sir Anthony of Brow, riding upon a chestnut brown horse. The snowflake finally rests upon the balding head of Sir LeBron.

Sir Anthony of Brow: “The realm is in chaos! King pexetera is barely holding on to the throne! Lord dBKC has declared himself the King of MotherF*cking Birthdays. Lord robusk has declared himself the King of Logic and Reason. Lord amerk has been named the Kind and Knowledgeable King by some of the less educated peasants in the South. And your own Lord, Gerry the Red, is calling himself the Red King. They are calling it the War of the Five Kings.”

Cut to King pexetera standing in his throne room, shoulders shaking, and staring at the ground with a distant expression on his face.

“When the dead live and the Warlock dies,
Five kings shall be declared,
And blood will stain the skies.”

Cut to Sir Anthony of Brow galloping frantically through a ghost town in terror. He keeps turning his head back and we get glimpses of undead knights pursuing him. Sir Anthony is pulling away and is almost out of the town.

We hear a deafening screech from above and Sir Anthony cranes his neck to the sound. We see a look of utter horror on his face.

High above, hurtling downward through the snowy sky, we see the Three Eyed Bird of Bostonia. It is paler now, even more so than before, and its undead eyes are locked in on Sir Anthony. Its blond perm is billowing behind it in the breeze and its wispy mustache is covered in icicles. On its back, we see the undead form of bds9992 who is riding the bird, his head lowered in furious concentration.

The camera flips to Sir Anthony’s trembling brow. He lets out a terrible scream and our camera goes dark. A second later we see his horse galloping away rider less. We cut back to bds9992 who is now on his own two feet and looking down upon Sir Anthony’s lifeless body. The Three Eyed Bird is circling overhead and comes to rest upon bds9992’s shoulder. The rest of the army of the undead has now caught up to them. bds9992 raises an arm and Sir Anthony’s lifeless form rises. It’s eyes turn blue and it looks over at bds9992.

bds9992 turns his head and we follow his gaze. The skyline of King’s Landing is barely visible in the distance. He takes a step forward and the undead army behind him follows. We zoom in on his icy blue eyes.

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 2: The King of Logic and Reason

Scene opens to an aerial shot of two knights riding upon horseback up a dusty road. A light snowfall has started and the snowflakes are drifting harmlessly to the ground. The two knights are a little more than six feet apart and are fully helmed. We zoom in on them until we can read the names engraved upon the backs of their armor. It is Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber of House robusk. High above them, we see a blood red comet with a long tail covering half the sky.

Sir Chris Webber: “I’ve never seen a comet half so bright, nor quite that color. What do you think it means?”

Sir Chris Paul: “Why, it has been sent by the SIM gods to herald King robusk’s ascent to the throne, I have no doubt. It means that he will triumph over the other kings in the war.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. Aren’t there five lords who have declared themselves king? How do we know the comet is the herald for King robusk?”

Sir Chris Paul: “It is a sign from the SIM gods of the blood that will flow if we do not put a stop to this plague rampaging through the Savage Lands. King robusk is the only one of the five kings doing anything about it.”

To the side of the road the two knights pass by a large tree with a sizable piece of parchment attached to it with an arrow. Sir Chris Paul dismounts and walks over. We zoom in on the parchment and see a sketch with the oversized head of King dBKC eating birthday cake. Colorful words are written in fancy font, spelling out “The King of Motherf*cking Birthdays!” In smaller text along the bottom it reads, “Join now and every day can be your motherf*cking birthday too!”

Sir Chris Paul rips the parchment off the tree and passes it through his legs to Sir Chris Webber, before re-mounting his horse. “King robusk will not be happy.”

Sir Chris Webber examines the parchment confused. “How come? He already knew that Lord dBKC had declared himself a king.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Did you look closely at the sketch? There’s only one Lord in all the Savage Lands talented enough to draw a caricature that good.”

Sir Chris Webber groans. “Lord jhsukow.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Exactly. King robusk has been trying to recruit him since the first Savage War. It looks like he chose to side with the cake eater instead.”

Sir Chris Webber: “But everyone in the Savage Lands likes Lord jhsukow’s drawings! All the knights will want to fight for King dBKC now.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Lord dBKC. Don’t let King robusk hear you calling anyone else the king.”

The two knights pass through some trees and into a clearing and up ahead we see a massive castle sitting upon the horizon. It has been built in the shape of a perfect circle with a cross through the middle of it, the symbol of the logical operation for the exclusive or. On either side of the main building, towering obelisks reach into the clouds. Each one is decorated with different geometrical patterns. In the very front of the castle, at the very end of the path, we see a grand gate. Each of the two doors to the gate is a perfect circle and when closed, they interlock in a perfect Venn diagram. To either side of the gate, there is a knight fully helmed and brandishing a large spear.

As Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber approach, the two knights at the gate step forth, each carrying a small device. Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber dismount and the two knights at the gate each approach one of them. Sir Chris Paul tilts his helm back and opens his mouth, and the larger of the two knights places the device inside. After a few seconds it beeps and the device is removed. Sir Chris Webber is looking at the device in the other knight’s hand unconvincingly.

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. Sir Kemp, are these heat checks really necessary?”

Sir Kemp: “By decree of the King, all who enter must be checked by these devices he invented. Sir Bradley keeps coming back for more heat checks.”

Sir Chris Webber: “But why all the precautions? No one here is sick. Has anyone here even seen a White Walker?”

Sir Chris Paul: “It’s not a big deal, Sir Chris Webber. Just get your temperature checked, wear your helmet, and let’s go inside.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Ugh. But this helmet is so uncomfortable.”

The larger of the two knights steps forth: “Uncomfortable? I’ll tell you what’s uncomfortable, mate. All your friends and family turning into bloody undead zombies because you don’t want to wear a helmet for a few minutes.”

Sir Kemp: “Please excuse Sir Bogut. He is from a land down under. The customs are different there.”

Sir Bogut: “I’m sick and bloody tired of the people here in the Savage Lands not taking this pandemic seriously. Back in my home land, the White Walkers are all gone. We took a few simple precautions and they were eradicated just like that. But here, in the Savage Lands, knights won’t even wear helmets! There’s a whole army of bloody fools in the south who have gathered around this so-called King amerk and are protesting that their civil liberties are being taken away. King robusk is the only one of these upstart kings who is using some bloody logic and reason. So if you want to enter into his castle, you better bloody wear your helm and get your temperature checked mate. Otherwise if you have a bloody problem with that we can settle this outback.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Alright, alright, jeez. It was just a joke.”

He raises his helm slightly and Sir Kemp places the temperature device inside his mouth. After a few seconds the device beeps and is removed.

Sir Chris Webber: “Aren’t all these safety measures a little extreme though?”

Sir Kemp: “I know what you mean. They wouldn’t even let me into the medical tent when my son was being born!”

Sir Bogut: “Like you would have been in there anyways, mate. I bet you don’t even know which bloody son it was.”

Sir Bogut pushes the gate open and Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber follow behind staying a respectable six feet apart. They pass through the castle courtyard and we see a plethora of cows all hunched over large wooden desks, scribbling upon parchment. Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber share a confused look.

Sir Chris Paul: “Are those cows writing?”

Sir Bogut: “Oh yes, those are King robusk’s Beefy Solvers. They are the best in the realm at calculating obscure equations and optimizing data.”

Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber share another confused look, but continue on.

In the next room, we see a massive four poster bed in the center of the room. Sir Drexler, Sir Horace, Sir Nurkic, and Sir Plumlee each are holding a corner of the bedsheets which span almost the entire room. Sir Bogut nods at the other knights and leads Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber around the bed.

Sir Bogut: “We always have to spread the sheets just right for King robusk.”

We enter into a circular throne room. All sorts of strange devices line the walls. In the middle of the enclosure, sitting on a simple throne with a small desk attached to one of the arm rests, King robusk is furiously calculating something on his abacus. He is wearing a cloth facemask and a thin golden crown. The two knights approach and bow deeply. King robusk continues to work on his abacus and doesn’t notice the knights. After a few long seconds, Sir Chris Paul looks up, still deeply bowed.

Sir Chris Paul: “Ahem… Excuse me… Your Grace?”

King robusk looks up in surprise. “Sir Chris Paul! My favorite knight and first choice to lead my armies! Always a pleasure!”

Sir Chris Webber: “I’m here too, Your Grace!”

King robusk: “Sir Chris Paul, I’m so glad you could make your way here on such short notice. I have an important task for you. As I’m sure you know, my efforts against the pandemic have to this point fallen short.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Your Grace, we have been trying as hard as we can to spread logic and reason through the land. I don’t know how this White Walker virus continues to spread.”

King robusk: “I have been hard at work calculating every possibility. I have figured out why our efforts have failed.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Yes, Your Grace?”

King robusk: “The source of the virus, a young man I once knew, is immune to logic and reason. We need to try a different approach.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. Did you say you once knew Patient Zero?”

King robusk: “Oh yes. bds9992 was once a man like you or I. An eager youth, hungry to prove himself, and full of ideas. He didn’t quite understand the difference between correlation and causation and some of his theories were absurdly ridiculous. He once told me that blk% was the most important statistic for a knight. He even asked some of his knights to forgo a sword and use two shields for additional blocking capabilities. Once, he signed up for a tournament, yet asked that no one make any mention of his selections. But he was charming and had great taste in the arts. He was a little cocky, but it was hard to blame him too much for tooting his own horn since he was a professional horn tooter. I took a liking to him. However, our friendship quickly turned sour. Eventually his ambition got the best of him. Determined to climb the rungs of the ladder, but unable to ever reach even a single ring, he finally snapped.”

Sir Chris Paul: “What did he do?”

King robusk: “He killed the King.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. He did what?”

Sir Chris Paul: “That’s all of your time outs.”

King robusk: “I was as surprised as anyone. I didn’t think he had it in him. I knew that he was desperate for glory, but even after he was accused, I refused to believe. It went to a trial by combat.”

Sir Chris Paul: “bds9992 demanded a trial by combat? But why? He could never win a battle!”

King robusk: “He named Sir LeBron his champion.”

Sir Chris Webber: “He must surely have won then? Sir LeBron is the best point knight in all the land!”

King robusk: “True, but he did not position him as his first sword.”

Sir Chris Paul: “But who was his point knight then, if not Sir LeBron?”

King robusk: “It was Sir Cheeks.”

Sir Chris Webber: “I like cheeks.”

King robusk: “Don’t let bds hear that! He takes great offense when you compliment his knights!”

Sir Chris Paul: “But why did he draft Sir Cheeks when he already had Sir LeBron?”

King robusk: “I believe it was for his blk%.”

Sir Chris Webber: “So he placed LeBron at the shooting knight position then?”

King robusk: “...No. Alas, not even Sir LeBron could help bds9992 win. He was beheaded on the steps of the Sept of Baylor the Bricklayer.”

Sir Chris Paul: “But, how did he become patient zero?”

King robusk: “I wish I knew. I have been trying to calculate all the possibilities. The only thing I can think of is that it had something to do with the bet he made with Lord benhoidal.”

Sir Chris Webber: “The Sim Devil himself!”

King robusk: “Exactly. Regardless of how it happened, bds9992 is now a White Walker, and he is spreading his virus throughout the Savage Lands. I don’t know what more I can do. I tried declaring a National Pandemic. I even required all lords and knights to wear their helmets at all times. No one has listened. I tried to recruit Lord jhsukow to my side, but he hasn’t responded to my ravens as of late and I’m starting to have serious doubts as to whether he will join me.”

Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber share a nervous look.

King robusk: “I reached out to Lord jpevans31. He seemed lonely so I tried to engage him. I was even going to let him fight for me, but he sent me a crazed response back by raven. I tried recruiting Lord Brad of the Longest and Tallest House, but he fell asleep before I could even ask. No, It’s just us. We are the only ones standing between bds9992 and the realm. bds9992 has infected too many people by now and the spread has reached exponential levels. Something drastic has to be done. We need to protect the people of the Savage Lands from the virus. Even if it means protecting king pexetera and the other pretenders.”

Sir Chris Paul: “What would you have us do, Your Grace?”

King robusk: “We must attack the source of the virus. bds9992 is leading his army towards King’s Landing. We must beat him there and battle for the soul of the Savage Lands.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Time out. You want us to march all the way to King’s Landing, through territories belonging to the other kings. When we get there, King pexetera’s army will be there waiting for us. You want us to fight against them, and then after we’ve depleted all of our resources, you want us to fight an army of undead zombie knights? Is that really the most logical or reasonable strategy?”

King robusk stands up from his desk, a determined expression crossing his brow. “I have tried to spread logic and reason throughout the land, but bds9992 is immune. Logic and reason won’t stop him now. Our only chance is an all-out war. The living verses the dead. Sir Chris Paul, you will lead my armies.”

Sir Chris Paul: “We are certain to be victorious, Your Grace. The red comet in the sky is heralding your victory.”

King robusk rolls his eyes. “It is not my comet, no matter what the small folk say. Use some logic and reason. The SIM gods are cruel. You think they care who sits on a stupid throne? No, the comet signifies the death of Grand Maester Seble, the ancient Warlock himself. There’s some new warlock now. He promises change, promises to listen to the lords of the land.”

Sir Chris Webber: “Well that’s good! Do you think he can do anything about the White Walkers?”

We zoom in on the face of King robusk. He becomes deadly serious.

King robusk: “No, we cannot depend on the warlocks any longer. If we want real change in the Savage Lands, we have to take it upon ourselves. We start by wiping out the virus. We start by attacking bds9992.”

The corners of King robusk’s mouth twitch upward in a smirk as our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.

some of the less educated peasants in the South
beefy solvers
bds is patient zero

too many to mention. laughing out loud