EXCLUSIVE TO THE NATIONAL SLANDERER: AN INTERVIEW WITH ELTON CHAMBERLAIN'S WIFE"
Looking tired and distraught, but not particularly nervous, Mrs. Chamberlain sat opposite our correspondent and gave straight answers to the most personal questions about her husband's case. "I'm just doing this because I love him and he's in trouble and people need to know, " she said, holding back the tears with an enormous snort. "He's a good man, but he hasn't been himself since joining that stupid Dodgeball league. About a month ago, he started changing hotel rooms every night. He would never answer the phone. He kept going on and on about the body snatchers from the Planet Pokeman. He said they were planning to steal everything, his career, his body, me, his whole life. Like something out of Stepford wives, he said, one day some robot was gonna show up in my bed pretending to be him." She tried telling management that he needed help, but they seemed to care more about his ERA than his fragile mental state. " I had to do something, so I'm the one who called the hospital. I'm the one who signed the papers." Asked when she had seen him last, she responded, "I haven't seen him since he left the hospital, but I did get this note today." Sadly, the note said nothing that would help police ascertain his whereabouts; just a cryptic message, "I forgive you. How could you understand what's happening to me? I gotta catch 'em all, honey, just gotta catch 'em all."