Fifth and Sixth Round
Lights flash on into a studio set where we can see WIS user benhoidal along with Charles Barkley, Shaquille O’Neal, and Kenny Smith sitting behind a large booth with the letters TNT emblazoned in neon upon it. We zoom in on benhoidal who is trying not to nod off.
benhoidal: “Welcome to Inside the WIS NBA. I’m WIS user benhoidal. Ernie Johnson is somehow still off somewhere and even though I declined to come back to host this disgrace of a show, the network forcefully reminded me that I was contractually obligated to do this one last time. Kenny, I’m sure you have something to say right off the bat?”
We zoom in on Kenny Smith who is grinning from ear to ear. Next to him, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’neal are shaking their heads.
Kenny Smith: “I sure do, ben! These knuckleheads next to me thought I wasn’t getting drafted, but it was only a matter of time. Good ol’ sappy!”
Charles Barkley: “Kenny, you got a pity pick with only three picks left.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “He must have thought you were Josh Smith.”
Kenny Smith hangs his his slightly dejected.
benhoidal: “Remember guys, in the last rounds there really aren’t that many bad picks. Every team has very specific needs at this time and so different players can really be good picks.”
Kenny Smith lifts his head and looks encouraged.
Charles Barkley: “ben, you’re telling me you would have taken Kenny? You think that was a good pick?”
benhoidal: “Well… no.”
Kenny slumps his shoulders.
benhoidal: “Let’s move on. A couple of major storylines from this round. 6theluckyone goes full Big Baller, redbooda continues to misinterpret what a salary cap means, a sixteen minute per game player goes in the fifth round, and 24kpyrite ruins my plans with only two picks remaining in the draft. What do you guys want to start with?”
Kenny Smith: “How about that 6theluckyone? Who does he think he is, LaVar Ball?”
Charles Barkley: “Don’t talk about LaVar Ball. I don’t talk about LaVar Ball. Wherever LaVar Ball is, there’s a village missing their idiot.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Anyone want to hear the new lyrics for my LaVar Ball diss track?”
benhoidal: “Hard pass. Is there anyone who wasn’t drafted that surprises you guys?”
Kenny Smith: “ben, how does no one draft Hakeem the Dream? He would be like Clint Capela on steroids in this league!”
benhoidal: “Clint Capela, really? They have almost zero similarities.”
Kenny Smith: “Look, Hakeem used to say this to me all the time…”
Charles Barkley: “Kenny, bring me some water?”
Kenny Smith: “No, he used to say…”
Charles Barkley: “Kenny, carry my bags?”
Kenny Smith: “No, he would say…”
Charles Barkley: “Kenny, go park the car?”
Kenny Smith: “...”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Where’s Kobe in this league? How did he not go in the first round?”
benhoidal: “Kobe is pretty expensive and too inefficient. He’s actually hardly ever drafted in the ODL.”
Charles Barkley: “What kind of league can this be if Kobe and Hakeem can’t get drafted? Who do you think should have been picked, ben?”
benhoidal: “Well, I was pretty shocked when dh555 passed on Horace Grant in the seventh. Actually, I was pretty surprised when he passed on Horace Grant in the third.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I played with Horace Grant. Great guy, never calls me back.”
benhoidal: “I was also pretty surprised that no one took Alonzo Mourning, Elton Brand, or Kyle Korver. Those are guys who have gone much earlier in the past. Goes to show you how difficult it is to judge the sixth round. Everyone has such different needs at this point that it’s hard to say that any of the guys drafted before them were bad picks.”
Charles Barkley: “Nah, your picks sucked.”
Kenny Smith: “Who’d you take again, ben?”
benhoidal: “Arvydas Sabonis, Andre Iguodala and Jameer Nelson.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I remember playing against Arvydas. They used to call me the Big Deporter because I kept sending all the foreign centers home.”
benhoidal: “Well, before we play our game, let’s make some predictions. Chuck, who do you think is going to win this thing?”
Charles Barkley: “ben, I think you gotta go with furrup here. Excellent first round pick. Established a number one option right away and then grabbed a bunch of guys to pass me the ball.”
benhoidal: “Hmm, you’re actually not even the highest usage player in pharrop’s starting lineup. Jaylen Brown is the number one option on your team.”
Charles Barkley: “Jaylen who? Sounds like our new waterboy.”
benhoidal: “Shaq, who you got?”
Shaquille O’Neal: “ben, I’m going to go with robust. Wish he would have paired me with Kobe or Dwyane Wade, but I really like what he did in this draft, especially with his first round pick.”
benhoidal: “Kenny, let me guess, you’re picking sappy to win it all?”
Kenny Smith: “You know ben, I really wanted to, but I’m actually picking tarheel1991 to get his first ship. Go Heels!”
benhoidal: “tarheel actually already has an ODL championship. He’s a very accomplished governor. In fact, the users who drafted all three of you have won three of the last five championships. And speaking of championships, it’s time for our game this evening… It’s everyone’s favorite nautically named game show, ‘Who’s Got the Ships?”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Not Chuck!”
benhoidal: “Here’s how it works, we are going to go six picks at a time, covering the last two rounds. The six players drafted are going to show up on the big board behind you. All you have to do is tell me which player you think has won the most ODL championships. What do you think? Are you guys ready?”
Kenny Smith: “Should be easy, ben.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Chuck, I bet I beat you!”
Charles Barkley: “You gotta have brains to win this game Shaq.”
benhoidal: “Alright, the first six picks of the fifth round are listed behind you.”
He gestures over to the board and we see the following list:
dh555 - Enes Kanter
24kpyrite - Pascal Siakam
sappy - Serge Ibaka
tau1624 - Robert Covington
redbooda - Bradley Beal
cjok1051 (via NotoriousJ) - Clifford Ray
benhoidal: “Okay guys, out of those players, who’s got the most ships?”
Charles Barkley: “You’re telling me someone from that list has won a championship?”
benhoidal: “I’m telling you someone from that list has won 4 championships?”
Shaquille O’Neal: “How many you got again Chuck? You got four too right? Oh no, that was me who won four. You never even won one!”
benhoidal: “Actually in this league, it’s Charles who has won four ships. You’re the one who hasn’t won any.”
Shaq’s mouth drops open and he mumbles something unintelligible as Charles grins broadly.
benhoidal: “So who you guys got?”
Kenny Smith: “ben, I’m going with Serge Ibaka. Not sure how anyone there has won four ships, but he’s the only one there who can play a little.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I like Siakam.”
Charles Barkley: “I guess I’ll go Bradley Beal. At least he can score. None of these other scrubs can do anything.”
benhoidal: “Alright, Kenny goes with Serge, Shaq takes Pascal, and Charles takes B…”
Shaquille O’Neal: “No, I took Siakam.”
benhoidal: “Yes, Pascal Siakam.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Oh, I didn’t know his first name.”
benhoidal: “Well, it doesn’t matter. The answer is Clifford Ray with four ships.”
Charles Barkley: “Clifford? Like the dog?”
benhoidal: “Clifford Ray most recently won ODL 76 after being selected in the fourth round by pharrop.”
Charles Barkley: “Fairy-up took him? He must be better than I thought.”
benhoidal: It’s time for our next six. Guys, who from the list behind you has won the most ships?”
jhsukow - Mark Price
rjk2781 - Tree Rollins
Midge - Otto Porter
robusk - Jared Vanderbilt
gerryred - Kenneth Faried
tarheel1991 - Mikal Bridges
benhoidal: “This one is actually a tie, between two players who each only have one. You get a point if you guess either player.”
Kenny Smith: “Well this one is obviously Mark Price. I’ve never even heard of four of these guys.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I’m going with the big fella. Tree Rollins. Now that’s someone who knew how to score down low.”
Charles Barkley: “Didn’t he bite someone?”
Kenny Smith: “Yes, Danny Ainge!”
Charles Barkley: “Danny Ainge is a friend of mine, but he doesn’t know how to draft any better than these numbskulls. I guess I’ll go with Mark Price too.”
benhoidal: “All three wrong again. The answers were Otto Porter who won in ODL 74 with NotoriousJ, and Kenneth Faried who won in ODL 68 with kinoa1.”
Kenny Smith: “I always thought it was pronounced quinoa, ben?”
benhoidal: “No, and he doesn’t like it when you call him that. Alright, well let’s move on and see if you can get this one. Here’s the next six:”
ashamael - Charlie Ward
pharrop - Robert Williams
jackedjamie - Clyde Drexler
benhoidal - Arvydas Sabonis
thomcat - Jason Terry
NotoriousJ (via cjok1051) - Emeka Okafor
Shaquille O’Neal: “I’ll take Sabonis. They used to call me the Big De…”
Kenny Smith: “Shaq you already made that joke!”
Shaquille O’Neal: “No I didn’t.”
Charles Barkley: “Yes you did. ben, I’m going to take a former teammate of mine. Give me Clyde the Glide.”
Kenny Smith: “You mean a former teammate of mine! You only played with him when you were all washed up. I won a ship with Clyde!”
Charles Barkley: “You mean, you won a ship watching Clyde. You know you just sat on the bench The whole time.”
Kenny Smith: “At least I won one Chuck.”
Charles Barkley: “Apparently I’ve won four!”
Kenny Smith: “Well I’m going with The Glide too.”
benhoidal: “I thought you guys had a chance there, but unfortunately no. While Clyde Drexler has won two ODL titles, the correct answer is actually Charlie Ward. Ward has won three, most recently with myself actually in ODL 59. Sabonis was actually on that team too Shaq, but that’s his only ODL ship. Alright let’s move on to the next six and close out round five! Guys, who’s got the ships?”
albiband0 - Thaddeus Young
6theluckyone - Lonzo Ball
jkaye24 - Nate McMillan
jcred5 - Jamario Moon
copernicus - Myles Turner
ysw128 - Brandon Ingram
Charles Barkley: “No way any of these guys have won a title!”
benhoidal: “Well two of them have. I’m actually surprised these two have only won one each as they are both personal favorites of mine. They both even won their lone ship with me. Remember, just like last time there was a tie you only have to get one of the two to win.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I like Ingram. He needs to get a little stronger, but I think ysw is going to come up with some type of system to keep him on the perimeter anyways.”
benhoidal: “Does that mean he’s your pick?”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Mmblvrmb.”
Charles Barkley: “I was going to take Lonzo Ball, but then I remembered he shoots worse from the foul line than Shaq!”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I made them when it counted!”
benhoidal: “No you didn’t.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Yes I did. Look it up!”
benhoidal: “I have. While it’s true that you shot a little better in clutch situations, you still only shot 50%.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Four rings says otherwise!”
benhoidal: “No it doesn’t. Chuck, if you’re not going to take Lonzo Ball, who are you taking?”
Charles Barkley: “I’m taking Theo Young. He’s a veteran. Been around the league forever. He’s gotta have one right?”
benhoidal: “Kenny?”
Kenny Smith: “I don’t know. I guess I’ll go Myles Turner?”
benhoidal: “Wow, I really thought you guys were going to get that one. In fact, you mentioned all four players who have never won. The right answers were Nate McMillan and Jamario Moon.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “You’re just making up names now. Ain’t no one’s mama ever name them Jamario.”
benhoidal: “He was actually a teammate of yours in Cleveland, Shaq.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Never heard of him.”
benhoidal: “Well, we are onto the sixth round. We will keep going six picks at a time which means you three have eight more chances to finally get one right. Here’s the top six:”
ysw128 - Kris Humphries & Cheick Diallo
copernicus - Mason Plumlee & D'Angelo Russell
jcred5 - Norman Powell & Isaiah Stewart
Charles Barkley: “Aren’t there three Plumlees? One of them had to have won once, right?”
Kenny Smith: “I’ll go with D’Angelo Russell. ben, I don’t know if you watched him lately with the Wolves, but he’s been really good.”
benhoidal: “No he hasn’t. Shaq, who are you going with?”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I’ve never heard of any of these guys. Wait, I didn’t play with any of them did I?”
benhoidal: “No, surprisingly you’ve never played with any of them.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I guess I’ll take the Russell guy too.”
benhoidal: “The correct answer for this one was Kris Humphries who has won three ODL titles, most recently with milest in ODL 62.”
Charles Barkley: “Wasn’t he famous for a minute for marrying that one lady? That marriage was shorter than Kenny!”
Kenny Smith: “Hold on, I don’t remember Kris Humphries being any good? How’d he win three ships?”
benhoidal: “Well, he may have put up empty stats in real life, but those have translated into one pretty good season in the SIM. You might even call it a comeback story. Let’s move on to the next six:”
jkaye24 - Jamaal Tinsley & Ryan Anderson
6theluckyone - Lamelo Ball & Steven Adams
albiband0 - Brent Barry & Gerald Wallace
benhoidal: “There’s actually a four time champion among these guys, who just happened to win a championship during the most recent ODL. Who do you guys think? Who’s got the ships?”
Charles Barkley: “Well ben, I know it ain’t Lamelo Ball. None of them Ball brothers are ever going to win anything.”
benhoidal: Okay, but that leaves you five more choices.”
Charles Barkley: “I’m going to go with a different NBA family. The Barry’s have been around forever. Gimme Brent!”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I’m going with the big dog. Steven Adams. He’s got a real big man game. Whenever you take care of the big dog, you let him eat, he’ll take care of you too.”
Kenny Smith: “Gerald Wallace?”
benhoidal: “No again, sorry guys. The correct answer is Jamaal Tinsley. Don’t worry, we still have six more tries. One of you just has to get one of these right. Here’s the next six:”
NotoriousJ (via cjok1051) - Tyreke Evans & Maxi Kleber
thomcat - Shai Gilgeous-Alexander & Jordan Mclaughlin
benhoidal - Andre Iguodala & Jameer Nelson
benhoidal: “Here, for this one, I’ll even give you a hint. There’s two guys here who have won one, and one of them is one of my two players.”
Charles Barkley: “I’ll take Maxi pad.”
benhoidal: “What?”
Kenny Smith: “Did you mean Maxi Kleber?!”
Charles Barkley: “Is that what that says?”
Kenny Smith: “I can’t believe you said maxi pad.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “ben, I’ll take that McLaugher guy.”
Kenny Smith: “You guys are unbelievable. He literally said the answer was one of the two guys he picked. ben, give me Iguodala!”
benhoidal: “Sorry guys. The answers were Tyreke Evans who won ODL 75 with robusk, and Jameer Nelson who won ODL 57 with me. I’m going to start having to give you guys better hints! Let’s look at the next six.”
jackedjamie - Maurice Cheeks & Andrew Bynum
pharrop - Anderson Varejao & Delon Wright
ashamael - JaVale McGee & Kemba Walker
benhoidal: “Alright, there’s three answers this time, all of who have won exactly one ship. You should be able to get this one, just by process of elimination. Can you guys guess who any of them are?”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I’m going to go with the big fella. The big guy winning ships with Kobe after I left. Andrew Bynum.”
Kenny Smith: “I’ve heard JaVale McGee is pretty good in the SIM. I’ll go with him.”
Charles Barkley: “Kenny you deserve to be on Shaqtin’ a Fool just for mentioning that name. JaVale ain’t never winning a ship.”
benhoidal: “Well, he did in real life.”
Charles Barkley: “ben, I’m changing up my strategy. It’s all these players I’ve never heard of who keep winning. Give me Deron Wright.”
benhoidal: “Delon?”
Charles Barkley: “Whatever his name is.”
benhoidal: “Wow, somehow you all got it wrong again. Literally any of the other three answers would have been correct. We still have four sets left and although the odds tell me there’s no way you all can get through this without a single correct answer, I am starting to think it’s the only possibility. Let’s look at the next six.”
tarheel1991 - Blake Griffin & George Hill
gerryred - JaMychal Green & Nikola Mirotic
tarheel1991 (via robusk) - Nicolas Batum
robusk - Kyle Anderson
benhoidal: “Alright, there’s one three time winner in this set. Can you guys guess who’s won the most ships?”
Charles Barkley: “At this point, I’m just going to pick the player I’ve never heard of.”
Kenny Smith: “That’s probably all of them, huh Chuck?”
Charles Barkley: “No, I know… one of them. The dunker. What’s his name?”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Bob Griffin. That’s who I’m taking. What’s he doing still available at the end of the draft?”
Charles Barkley: “I know him, I’m going to take the one with the funny name. The Michael.”
benhoidal: “Who?”
Charles Barkley: “The Michael.”
benhoidal: “JaMychal? JaMychal Green?”
Charles Barkley: “Yes. The Michael.”
Kenny Smith: “I’m going George Hill. The Tarheels always get good guards.”
benhoidal: “That’s tarheel1991, not the North Carolina Tarheels. tarheel1991 did in fact draft the winner of this set, but it’s actually Nicolas Batum who last won in ODL 69 with robusk. Alright guys, there’s only three sets left. You got this. For the next six, two of them have won a ship. Either one gets you the point. Who you got?”
16. Midge - Tyrese Haliburton & Pau Gasol
17. rjk2781 - Rajon Rondo & Roy Tarpley
18. A. jkaye24 - Jonathan Isaac
B. jhsukow - Michael Smith
Charles Barkley: “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe…”
Kenny Smith: “I’ll go with Rondo. He’s a winner. Won a ship as a rookie, not many guys can say that.”
Charles Barkley: “Catch a tiger by his toe…”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I’ll take that Halliburton fella. I like him.”
Charles Barkley: “I forgot the rest, but I ended up with Jonathan Isaac so I’ll take him.”
benhoidal: “Wow. Shaq I really thought you were going to get that one. One of the answers is Pau Gasol who won in ODL 51 with dh555, and the other is Roy Tarpley who won in ODL 71 with 24kpyrite.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “I was going to take Gasol if it wasn’t for Halliburton.”
benhoidal: “Shaq, this is Haliburton’s first time being eligible for a SIM draft. He’s never played in the ODL before.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Mmblvrblm.”
benhoidal: “Alright guys, just two sets left. You can do this. Only one of these six has ever won an ODL championship and he’s got three of them. So tell me, who’s got the ships?”
19. cjok1051 (via NotoriousJ) - J.R. Smith & Jusuf Nurkic
20. redbooda - Derrick Rose & Kristaps Porzingas
21. tau1624 - Tobias Harris & Mark Jackson
Charles Barkley: “Okay ben, I’m going to think on this one.”
benhoidal: “Good idea.”
Charles Barkley: “Derrick Rose wins awards, but not titles.”
benhoidal: “Should never have won any of those awards either, but go on.”
Charles Barkley: “Christopher Colombus is always in street clothes so it can’t be him.”
benhoidal: “Porzingas?”
Charles Barkley: “I have to listen to Mark Jackson do the play by play on ESPN and he clearly doesn’t know basketball, so it’s not him.”
benhoidal: “Very astute.”
Charles Barkley: “J.R. Smith doesn’t know which hoop to shoot for, so he’s out.”
benhoidal: “Might want to rethink that one.”
Charles Barkley: “So that leaves us with two guys. I don’t know who either of them are. Shaq, you want to guess one, and I’ll guess the other?”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Are either of them a big guy?”
benhoidal: “Nurkic plays center.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “Alright, I’ll take the big fella.”
Charles Barkley: “Then I’ll take the other one, Toby.”
Kenny Smith: “ben, I think it has to be Derrick Rose.”
benhoidal: “The answer here is actually J.R. Smith. He may not know which basket to shoot at Charles, but he’s still an ODL staple. Alright fellas, just one more set of six. You have to get this one right. I’m going to help you out. Let’s take a peak.”
22. sappy - David West & Kenny Smith
23. 24kpyrite - Rodrigue Beaubois & Eric Moreland
24. dh555 - Cameron Payne & Kelly Olynyk
benhoidal: “Okay, so only one of these players have ever won an ODL championship.”
Charles Barkley: “I just know it’s not Kenny!”
benhoidal: “I’m going to give you guys three hints, and you should be able to narrow it down from there. The first hint is that this person’s name is not a direction. The second hint is that dh555 did not draft this person. And the third hint is that the MORE you look at the board behind you, the MORE it will become clear. Alright guys, who’s got the ship?”
Charles Barkley: “Maybe it is Kenny?”
benhoidal: “You can’t be serious.”
Charles Barkley: “Hear me out, ben. The more I look at the board, the only thing becoming clearer is the reflection of his bald head!”
Kenny Smith: “Oh come on guys, the answer is clearly Rodrigue Beaubois. Just pay attention to the clues. Everyone else was eliminated.”
Shaquille O’Neal: “David West?”
benhoidal: “You guys are unbelievable. No, the answer was Eric Moreland. You guys somehow went through 12 sets of six and not one of you could get a single one right. Well folks, that was ‘Who’s got the ships?’ Hopefully that’s the last you will ever see of me on ‘Inside the WIS NBA.’ Good night.”
As the show’s theme music begins to play and the camera starts to pan out, we hear Charles Barkley say, “Wait, I think I figured it out! It’s Kelly Olynyk!”