Game of Zones - SAVAGE Season 3 Topic

robusk
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I appreciate every joke at my expense. This is also a super clever plot. In terms of formulating a cohesive throughline for the season and making it really compelling, this is your best work yet Ben. Really enjoying it so far.
12/13/2020 5:24 PM
jhsukow
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https://imgur.com/a/zBI7bdf

great episode, Ben
12/14/2020 10:48 AM
ashamael
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dude, from the first "Time out" I was DYING! I was hoping you'd pay it off, and then you did with CP3 telling him he was out, and then C-Web used one more. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The whole thing - top notch. Loving it!
12/14/2020 7:50 PM
benhoidal
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Season 3 - Episode 3: The Forgotten King
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to Sir LeBron and Sir Anthony of Brow riding on horseback through the streets of Braavos.

Sir Anthony: “The realm is in chaos! King pexetera is barely holding on to the throne! Lord dBKC has declared himself the King of MotherF*cking Birthdays. Lord robusk has declared himself the King of Logic and Reason. Lord amerk has been named the Kind and Knowledgeable King by some of the less educated peasants in the South. And your own Lord, Gerry the Red, is calling himself the Red King. They are calling it the War of the Five Kings.”

Cut to a circular throne room where Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber are kneeling before King robusk.

King robusk: “I reached out to Lord jpevans31. He seemed lonely so I tried to engage him. I was even going to let him fight for me, but he sent me a crazed response back by raven.”

Sir Chris Paul: “What would you have us do, Your Grace?”

King robusk: “We must attack the source of the virus. bds9992 is leading his army towards King’s Landing. We must beat him there and battle for the soul of the Savage Lands.”

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 3: The Forgotten King

Scene opens to a flurry of wind and snow over the top of a forest of trees. Despite the dark of night, there is a red tinge covering the scene and as the shot widens we see that it is from the blood red comet overhead. Despite the sheets of snow falling towards the ground, the comet is clear in the sky. Our camera starts to drop below the tree line and our only source of light is the red glow through the trees. The wind is still blowing snow everywhere and as we reach ground level we are barely able to make out two figures on horseback. As we zoom closer we see that it is Sir Bowen and Sir Collison of House jpevans, 31st of his name. Frost can be seen covering the eyebrows of the two knights as they both shiver on top of their horses.

Sir Bowen: “Sir Oliver, the miller, should be around here somewhere. This was the rendezvous point.”

Sir Collison: “I can barely see anything. How are we supposed to find him in this blizzard?”

Sir Bowen: “He should be easy enough to spot. With his girth, it’s not like he can hide behind the trees.”

Sir Collison: “I don’t see any sign of these zombies our lord keeps going on about. Are we sure they are real?”

Sir Bowen: “He’s not our lord, he’s our King. Be careful Sir Collison, you know he’s touchy about people not including him with the others.”

Sir Collison: “Yes, yes, of course. But, I still don’t see the point of all these scouting missions.”

Sir Bowen: “King jpevans has made it a priority to find out everything he can about these so-called White Walkers. I’ve heard they used to be men like you or I, but were cursed.”

Sir Collison: “Cursed?”

Sir Bowen: “Yes, cursed to never win a tournament championship. Now they roam the land trying to destroy any knights and lords who have ever won anything and curse them in turn. They are said to be as cold as ice and when they speak, it is in a language that most cannot understand. If you listen for too long, you will go mad trying to comprehend what they say.”

Sir Collison: “How do you know so much about the White Walkers? King jpevans hasn’t told me anything about them.”

Sir Bowen: “Back when I was with House Spurs, Grand Maester Popovich mentioned them once or twice. Hey look, there’s Sir Oliver up ahead.”

Our camera angle shifts and we see a large knight riding a horse that is barely able to withstand his weight. Sir Oliver rides up towards the two knights.

Sir Oliver: “Sir Bowen, Sir Collison, well met!”

Sir Bowen: “Sir Oliver. It is wonderful to have you join us.”

Sir Collison: “You are the last knight to join with King jpevans. Now that our army is complete, we are sure to challenge for the throne!”

Sir Oliver: “I’m just so happy to have been recruited by anyone. No one wanted me to fight for them during the Savage War. What other knights will be fighting with us against the other kings?”

Sir Bowen: “Well, we have Sir Pippen.”

Sir Oliver: “I love Sir Pippen! What an excellent secondary knight! And who is our primary fighter?”

Sir Collison: “... Pippen is, Sir.”

Sir Oliver: “But who is the lead knight? I’m sure the king recruited Sir Gilmore or Sir Moses to lead his forces right? Maybe even Sir Stockton to lead his attacks?”

Sir Bowen: “Umm... no. Sir Pippen has been leading all of our attacks.”

Sir Oliver: “Really? We must have some great big knight who can punish our opponents down low?”

Sir Collison: “Yes! We have Sir Hassan, the White.”

Sir Oliver: “Sir Hassan, really? I’m surprised the king recruited him instead of Sir Rudy.”

Sir Bowen and Sir Collison share a surprised glance.

Sir Bowen: “Sir Rudy? Of course! I think the King forgot he existed.”

Sir Oliver: “Well, we must have a really deep army then, right? Who are some of our other knights?”

Sir Collison: “We have Sir McGrady! He’s good.”

Sir Bowen: “Well, he’s good once every five fights. He just sleeps through the others. I’m surprised he didn’t join the Longest and Tallest House.”

Sir Collison: “We have Sir Brandon!”

Sir Oliver: “What a fine secondary point knight. And who’s the starter?”

Sir Bowen: “Uh well, he is the starter.”

Sir Collison: “We have Sir Smith, who is our seventh best knight!”

Sir Oliver: “Oh nice, Sir Josh Smith was the seventh best knight on a really good team in the Hand’s tournament.”

Sir Bowen: “Not that Sir Smith.”

Sir Oliver: “Oh. Well, I guess Sir J.R. Smith is a decent seventh knight.”

Sir Bowen: “No, not the armor less knight either.”

Sir Oliver: “Sir Steve? Sir Kenny? Oh of course, Sir Michael Smith the board lord.”

Sir Bowen: "No, he means Sir Larry Smith.”

Sir Oliver: “Seventh best knight you say? Sir Larry? I thought we were one of the best armies? Are you sure you’re not forgetting to mention someone important?”

Sir Collison: “We have Sir Larry Nance!”

Sir Oliver: “What a great knight! I remember fighting against Sir Larry from back when I first became a knight.”

Sir Bowen: “Actually, he meant Sir Larry Nance Jr.”

Sir Oliver: “Jr.?”

Sir Bowen: “Yes, the son of the knight you remember. He’s not nearly as good.”

Sir Oliver: “Hold on. King jpevans declared himself to be King with only those knights to fight for him? We are going to get slaughtered in this war.”

Sir Collison: “We’ve actually won lots of battles already. The other knights are off fighting one right now in fact.”

Sir Oliver: “Wait, really? Why aren’t we there with them?”

Sir Bowen: “King jpevans said it wouldn’t matter whether we were there or not.”

Sir Oliver: “Huh. I wonder why that is.”

The three knights ride in silence for a few seconds. Sir Oliver squints ahead and points at something in the distance. “Who’s that?”

Sir Bowen: “Well, if it isn’t Sir Rodman. Maybe he has deserted King pexetera at last and come to team up with Sir Pippen. Those two made a great team.”

Sir Oliver: “I’m still not convinced they can win the important battles with just those two leading the way though. I feel like they need something or someone else with them. Can’t quite put my finger on it.”

Up ahead we see the blurry outline of Sir Rodman come into focus. He is missing his sword arm, and long bloody claw marks are seen raked across his head and torso.

Sir Oliver: “Sir Rodman?... What happened to you?”

More figures appear behind Sir Rodman. We see Sir Kirilenko, Sir Rollins, Sir Favors, and Sir Eaton all emerge. Each one has flesh pale as milk and piercing blue eyes. They each carry a sword that seems to be made of ice. They stumble forward slowly, but methodically, focused on the trio of knights on horseback.

Sir Collison: “Wh… wh… what are they?”

Sir Bowen: “It’s the White Walkers! Attack!”

Sir Collison dismounts and darts forth to try to stab Sir Rodman who parries with his ice sword. Sir Bowen thrusts his sword at Sir Kirilenko, but the undead knight blocks the strike with his own blade. Sir Oliver brings his sword down onto Sir Rollins, but the taller knight rebuffs the attack with a strike of his own.

Sir Oliver: “They’re blocking all of our attacks!”

Sir Bowen: “Yes, it’s like they only care about their blk percentages!”

Sir Collison: “We will have to try a new tactic.”

Sir Bowen: “Let’s trip them!”

Sir Bowen sweeps the leg of Sir Favors who goes down holding his knee. Sir Oliver tries to trip Sir Eaton, but doesn’t have Sir Bowen’s technique and misses the leg. Sir Eaton brings his ice blade down upon Sir Oliver, and the sword goes through his chainmail armor as if it were silk. Sir Oliver falls to the ground with a thunderous thud. Sir Bowen keeps tripping the White Walkers, as Sir Collison looks down at Sir Oliver’s body in horror. Sir Collison looks back up as Sir Rodman’s blade swings through the air. He ducks and the sword sweeps by overhead, narrowly missing. Sir Collison starts to run back towards his horse, but there are more White Walkers approaching and the horses bolt away in panic. He turns back towards the fight where the White Walkers are finally figuring out Sir Bowen’s cheap tricks. We see the flash of a blade and then just an empty stump where Sir Bowen’s head used to be.

Sir Collison lets loose a guttural scream and frantically scrambles away and through the woods. Our camera rises over his head, tracking him as he runs, and then zooms forward in fast motion through the forest. We see tree after tree covered in snow. There’s a brief shot of a clearing where a stream used to flow, but it is now completely frozen over.

The camera stops briefly on a towering white pine near the frozen stream. Attached to the trunk by an arrow, we see a piece of parchment. Frost lines the edges. Upon the parchment is a caricature of King dBKC with an oversized head handing mother******** birthday cake to a crowd of peasants. Colorful font at the top of the parchment reads, “HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!” Underneath, a smaller font reads, “Join King dBKC today!”

The camera continues to zoom in fast motion through the forest until we get to a clearing with a few tents set up. The red glow from the comet above illuminates the camp site. Two knights are seen dragging a third knight into the largest of the tents and the camera follows behind them, entering through the front flaps.

Inside, King jpevans, 31st of his name, is passed out on the ground, bottles spewed all around him. The two knights dragging the prisoner approach and we see that it is Sir Pippen and Sir Hassan the White with Sir Beal of House robusk between them. Sir Beal looks beaten and bloodied. He has a black eye and his hands are handcuffed in chains. Sir Pippen coughs loudly and King jpevans rouses slowly.

King jpevans: “Huh? Where am I?”

Sir Pippen: “You are in your tent, Your Grace.”

King jpevans: “That’s strange. Usually after taking my special mushrooms I wake up in a different part of the realm. Well I guess the night’s just getting started. Time to get crazy. Who’s this?”

Sir Hassan the White: “This is Sir Beal, Your Grace, of House robusk. We were victorious at the battle today and have taken him prisoner.”

King jpevans: “Excellent. That’s four battles in a row we have won.”

Sir Pippen: “Maybe now the other lords of the realm will recognize you as one of the kings?”

King jpevans scowls and looks menacingly over at Sir Pippen. Then his face relaxes and he shrugs.

King jpevans: “I’m used to the disrespect. That Good ‘Ol Boys club of Lords will never give me the respect I deserve.”

Sir Hassan: “But, Your Grace! You have won just as many battles as many of these other kings, yet they still call it the War of the Five Kings, despite you having declared as well!”

King jpevans: “I’ve gotten used to it. No matter what I do, it is met with criticism or worse, I’m ignored.”

Sir Pippen: “Doesn’t that just make you hate them?”

King jpevans: “No, I don’t hate any of the other lords. Although, there is one I don’t trust.”

Sir Hassan: “Probably that Sim Devil!”

King jpevans: “Yes, that’s the one.”

Sir Pippen: “But if we win the throne for you, that will force them to recognize you!”

King jpevans smiles slightly. “Yes. King of the Savage Lands has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

Sir Beal chuckles softly.

King jpevans: “Is something funny prisoner?”

Sir Beal: “Oh, just that you think you have a chance in this war. King robusk has done all the calculations. You are due to regress and start losing your battles.”

King jpevans: “You are just like that king you serve. Always butting in with snide comments whenever I say anything.”

Sir Beal: “Hah. King robusk reached out to you when no one else would. He even offered to let you fight for him!”

King jpevans’ mouth twitches upwards in a snarl. “Yes. I suppose he did reach out to me. Once. It was a formality, done so he would feel better about himself. I tried to tell him one of my funny stories, but he wasn’t interested. All he wanted was for me to fight for him in the war. I AM NO KNIGHT! I AM A KING!”

He shouts the last line right in Sir Beal’s face, spittle flying everywhere. Sir Beal doesn’t flinch.

Sir Pippen: “Your Grace, maybe you need a breather.”

King jpevans takes a breath and steps back. You’re right, maybe I do need a breather. What information were you able to gather from the prisoner?”

Sir Hassan: “King robusk’s army is on the move to King’s Landing. They plan on fighting both the White Walkers and King pexetera at the same time.”

King jpevans starts to smile and begins to speak, but is cut off when the tent flaps fly open. Sir Collison is standing there, hands on his knees and panting, a look of sheer terror on his face.

Sir Pippen: “Sir Collison? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

Sir Collison: “I… did… white… walkers… ten… maybe more… ambush.”

King jpevans: “You saw the White Walkers?!”

Sir Collison: “Yes… tried to attack them… didn’t work… blocked everything.”

King jpevans smiles broadly: “It is as I suspected. They don’t understand how blk% works.”

Sir Collison: “Sir Bowen… Sir Oliver… dead.”

King jpevans: “Hmm, that’s a pity. Now I won’t be able to trade them and a worthless second rounder for a knight who can actually fight. What happened when you stopped attacking the White Walkers?”

Sir Collison: “Nothing… got away… didn’t chase.”

King jpevans: “All they care about is blocking their opponent’s strikes. If we don’t attack them, they can’t block our shots!”

Sir Pippen: “Umm.. Your Grace? If we don’t attack them, how can we beat them?”

King jpevans: “We don’t.”

Sir Hassan: “What? What do you mean, we don’t?”

King jpevans: “King robusk is converging on King’s Landing. I’m sure he has calculated something to defeat the White Walkers. We let King robusk, King pexetera, and the Walkers defeat each other. Then we swoop in, defeat whomever remains, and take the throne.”

Sir Beal: “It will never work! King robusk will see right through you!”

Sir Hassan punches Sir Beal, and he drops to his knees. King jpevans approaches and crouches low to Sir Beal’s level. He looks him right in the eyes.

King jpevans: “Have you seen the comet up above, Sir Beal? Each of these so-called kings thinks it signals their great victory. No. That is blood up there, smeared across the sky. It is the blood of each of the five kings. It is the blood that my vengeance will bring forth. Your precious King robusk and all these other pretenders are my prey. I am the predator.”

King jpevans thrusts a dagger into the midsection of Sir Beal, whose eyes go wide. He crumples forward and King jpevans rises to his full height. Our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.
12/19/2020 9:04 PM (edited)
benhoidal
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Merry Christmas everyone! Thanks to those who have taken the time to read these. New episode coming out tomorrow!
12/25/2020 2:07 PM
benhoidal
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Season 3 - Episode 4: The King of Motherf*cking Birthdays
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to the kitchens of King’s Landing. Upon a throne of pots and pans, unopened presents strewn about, we see Lord dBKC. Beside him we see Sir Stephen, the great water dancer. In front of them we see Lord jhsukow, escorted by Sir Magic.

Sir Stephen: “You stand in the presence of Lord dBKC of the ‘Kool Kids,’ runner-up in the first Savage War, rightful heir to the Iron Throne, rightful King of the Savage Lands, Slayer of riddles and rhymes, Master of notecards, Expert in drunken drafting, and Lord of motherf*cking birthdays.”

Lord jhsukow looks a little uneasy and turns to Sir Magic.

Sir Magic: “This is Lord jhsukow.”

Lord jhsukow looks over at Sir Magic expecting more. Lord dBKC and Sir Stephen look over at Sir Magic expecting more. Sir Magic’s face does not change as the moments linger.

Lord dBKC: “Lord jhsukow, I have seen the propaganda you have been distributing about. I could use someone of your skills on my side. That talent of yours could prove quite useful.”

Cut to a throne in the woods made of bones with five snakes slithering around the base. Upon the throne sits King pexetera before he became the king. To either side, Sir Garnett and Sir Jimmy stand vigil. Before him, on his hands and knees, is Lord jhsukow.

Lord pexetera: “I know that Lord dBKC has offered you a place in his group of rebellious lords. He thinks that he can unseat me after I win what is rightfully mine? I was in first place in the Savage War before he had all those motherf*cking birthdays. Now, however, with so many birthdays he has grown old, while I am still young and powerful. His bones will be added to this throne once all is said and done.”

Cut to an image of a sizable piece of parchment attached to a large tree with an arrow. We zoom in on the parchment and see a sketch with the oversized head of King dBKC eating birthday cake. Colorful words are written in fancy font, spelling out “The King of Motherf*cking Birthdays!” In smaller text along the bottom it reads, “Join now and every day can be your motherf*cking birthday too!”

The parchment is ripped off the tree by Sir Chris Paul and passed between his legs to Sir Chris Webber. “King robusk will not be happy.”

Sir Chris Webber examines the parchment confused. “How come? He already knew that Lord dBKC had declared himself a king.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Did you look closely at the sketch? There’s only one Lord in all the Savage Lands talented enough to draw a caricature that good.”

Sir Chris Webber groans. “Lord jhsukow.”

Sir Chris Paul: “Exactly. King robusk has been trying to recruit him since the first Savage War. It looks like he chose to side with the cake eater instead.”

Sir Chris Webber: “But everyone in the Savage Lands likes Lord jhsukow’s drawings! All the knights will want to fight for King dBKC now.”

Cut to another piece of parchment attached to the trunk of a towering white pine by an arrow. Frost lines the edges of the parchment upon which is a caricature of King dBKC with an oversized head handing mother******** birthday cake to a crowd of peasants. Colorful font at the top of the parchment reads, “HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!” Underneath, a smaller font reads, “Join King dBKC today!”

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 4: The King of Motherf*cking Birthdays

A few pleasant musical notes in the form of a whistle greet our ears as the scene opens to a large kitchen. We see a towering chef’s hat, and under it the unmistakable bearded face of Sir Harden. He is whistling gleefully and opens up a massive oven. As he reaches inside to pull out an equally massive cake, he breaks from his whistling to joyfully sing the end of his verse.

“But after a while he finally snapped,
And baked him into a pie!”

He sings the last words with a flourish and sets the cake down next to two identical cakes. He grabs a funnel of red frosting which he uses to write on the cakes and we see the words as he writes them. “Happy Motherf*cking Birthday!”

A door opens behind him and we see a tired Lord jhsukow meander into the kitchen. Sir Harden turns around and breaks into a broad grin. “My Lord! Welcome back. How were your travels?”

Lord jhsukow: “Exhausting. I love the drawings I do, but distributing them ‘cross all the Savage Lands has worn me thin.”

Sir Harden: “My Lord, I hate seeing you like this. Would you like me to cook you a stew? Or maybe some soup?”

Lord jhsukow: “You are too kind, Sir. What did I ever do to deserve you as my lead knight?”

Sir Harden: “I just love to cook, My Lord.”

Lord jhsukow looks over at the cakes. “Those look fabulous. But why did you make three?”

Sir Harden: “It is on the King’s request. He says that a motherf*cking birthday without at least three cakes is a dull affair.”

Lord jhsukow: “I suppose we should be heading upstairs soon. What time is it anyways?”

Sir Harden heads over to the window. We see that it is snowing heavily outside. Behind the white blanket of snow is the sharp contrast of the comet streaking through the sky.

Sir Harden: “It’s hard to tell. Haven’t been able to see the sun in weeks. What do you think that comet means?”

Lord jhsukow: “Well King dBKC thinks it symbolizes the red frosting upon his motherf*cking birthday cakes. He says it is a sign from the SIM gods of many motherf*cking birthdays to come and that he is the one true king of the Savage Lands.”

Sir Harden: “You want to know what I think?”

Lord jhsukow: “Of course!”

Sir Harden: “I think that it is paint across the sky. Paint from one of your brushes.”

Lord jhsukow: “Oh, if only. I don’t think the SIM gods care much about me. Why would they?”

Sir Harden: “Have you looked at the results of our battles recently? Your knights are as good as any in the realm. Without the 22nd pick this time, you have risen in the ranks. I’m not sure you need King dBKC’s protection anymore. I think you could actually become king of the Savage Lands on your own right.”

Lord jhsukow looks dumbfounded at Sir Harden.

Sir Harden: “Don’t get me wrong, I loved fighting for King dBKC in the Savage War. I got to cook him a motherf*cking birthday cake every single day after all. And now that you have joined forces with him, I get to do it again. But, all those motherf*cking birthdays have taken their toll on the King. He has grown old. I don’t know how many more birthdays he can take. I like cooking whatever I want, when I want it. You have given me that chance. After having to fight for Lord cmcafeeky in the tournament, I am so happy to cook again. I do not want to lose that after the King is dead.”

Lord jhsukow: “What ever happened to Lord cmcafeeky anyways? I always liked listening to his rants.”

Sir Harden: “...”

Lord jhsukow: “But what you are talking about is treason! King dBKC is my friend. I can’t rise up against him!”

Sir Harden: “Last night at the brothel…”

Lord jhsukow: "Sir Harden, be careful! If the King finds out you’ve been visiting brothels during the pandemic again, he’ll fine you fifty more gold pieces and prevent you from fighting in our next battle”

Sir Harden: “Did I say brothel? Silly me. It was just… my friend's birthday party. I gave her my gift (heh), and then I left right away.”

Lord jhsukow: “Just make sure you stick to that story. The King should be alright with a birthday party.”

Sir Harden: “Anyways, I ran into Lord 24kpyrite. I introduced him to some of my friends there. He isn’t very happy with the King’s ‘No brothels during a pandemic policy either and I think I could get him to fight alongside you. Just say the word and tomorrow’s birthday cakes will have a special ingredient.”

Lord jhsukow looks horrified.

Sir Harden: “Just think about it. You would be a great king.” He grabs the cart with the birthday cakes and starts to head for the door. “Come on. I’m sure they are waiting upstairs.”

We cut to a great throne room. Along either side of the aisle we see knights dressed in party hats, holding noisemakers. At the end of the aisle is a large throne made of pots and pans. At the foot of the throne we see a small mound of unopened presents, and next to it, a plethora of parchment cards with the stats of different knights on them are strewn everywhere. Sitting in the throne is an old man with a long spindly grey beard. Atop his head is a gold crown with birthday candles sticking out the top. As we zoom closer we see that it is King dBKC. He is in deep conversation with Sir Paul George and Sir Mourning of House benhoidal.

King dBKC: “No, I will not give them back. Lord benhoidal was dumb enough to make that bet when we were both drunk at the tavern together. It is as clear now as it was then that I was going to win the wager. Who does your lord think he is anyways, betting against me? He needs to pay up. All his motherf*cking birthdays are mine now.”

Sir Paul George: “But Your Grace, Lord benhoidal hasn’t had a birthday since the first Savage War. Can’t you spare just one? He’d really like just one birthday.”

King dBKC: “Everybody wants a motherf*cking birthday. I can’t just be handing them out willy nilly.”

Sir Paul George: “Your Grace, I was told to tell you that if that was your answer that Lord benhoidal will be vowing vengeance against you and your house. You don’t want him as your enemy.”

King dBKC: “Who cares? His knights just aren’t very good. And yes, that includes you. You were the biggest reach of the draft. Besides, you’re my prisoner now.”

Sir Paul George: “What?”

King dBKC: “Guards?”

To the left side of the throne, Sir Kawhi moves forward very robotically. To the right, Sir Walton steps forth as well. Both knights are brandishing large spears and wearing oversized party hats.

King dBKC: “No, not you two. You’re still on load management until the final tilts.”

Sir Dirk and Sir Deron step forth, also wearing oversized party hats and brandishing spears. Sir Paul George unsheathes a dagger from his belt.

Sir Paul George: “You won’t take me and Sir Mourning without a fight!”

He looks over at Sir Mourning who is looking sheepishly at the ground.

Sir Paul George: “Sir Mourning?”

King dBKC: “Sir Mourning has told me of how he much preferred fighting for me in the first Savage War. He has asked to switch his allegiance and I have granted his wish. Guards, take Sir Paul George to the dungeon. And make sure he gets no motherf*cking birthday cake down there!”

Sir Paul George hangs his head in defeat. Sir Dirk and Sir Deron each take an arm of Sir Paul George who looks crestfallen over at Sir Mourning as he is dragged down the aisle. The doors at the end of the room open, and he is brought out. A moment later, Lord jhsukow enters, followed by Sir Harden who is pushing the cart with the oversized birthday cakes. The pair approach the throne.

King dBKC: “Ahh, my motherf*cking birthday cakes! And my Hand, Lord jhsukow! How were your travels?”

Lord jhsukow: “The posters have worked. The common folk all love you, Your Grace.”

King dBKC: “You see! I told you your talents needed to be shared with all the Savage Lands!”

Lord jhsukow: “Thank you, Your Grace.”

King dBKC: “Well, what are we waiting for? What’s the point of having your cake if you can’t eat it too? Let the celebrations begin!”

For a moment, King dBKC looks like a much younger man. One of the cakes is brought forth and the knights all begin to sing. We pan over the faces of the knights. Most look bored as though their hearts are no longer in the song.

“Happy motherf*cking birthday to you.
Happy motherf*cking birthday to you.
Happy motherf*cking birthday dear King dBKC.
Happy motherf*cking birthday to you.”

King dBKC giddily sings along with the knights. Before they can finish the last words, he leans in and blows out all the candles as quickly as he can. He laughs loudly and the knights join in half-heartedly.

King dBKC: “Thank you, thank you. Well, what are we waiting for? Cut the cakes, pass them out. Make sure everyone gets a slice. Let them have cake!”

We see Sir Penny off to the side. One of his hands rises slowly and we see that on the hand is a puppet closely resembling himself. The corners of Sir Penny’s lips twitch.

Lil’ Penny: “Does he have to say that line every single day?!”

Sir Penny: “Hush, Lil’ Penny.”

Just then, the great doors at the end of the throne room open once more. Striding forth we see Sir Robinson, the Admiral in King dBKC’s naval forces. He is dressed in uniform and we can see the symbol of a star upon his breast.

King dBKC: “Ahh, Admiral! Come in, come in. Have a slice of motherf*cking birthday cake and tell me of our great victories!”

Sir Robinson hangs his head. “Actually, Your Grace, I come with ill tidings. Our assault on King’s Landing did not go as planned. King pexetera was expecting it. We were slaughtered.”

There’s a pause in the room as all the knights turn to look at their king. Sir Robinson slowly lifts his head in apprehension of what is to come. The camera follows his gaze. All of the youthful excitement that was on King dBKC’s face a moment before is gone. In its stead, we see a bitter old man with a look of contempt on his face. King dBKC forcefully stabs his fork down into his slice of cake.

King dBKC: “All these motherf*cking birthdays and King pexetera still sits the Iron Throne. I am sick of always coming in second place. King pexetera thinks he’s the best lord in the Savage Lands even though I defeated him in the Savage Wars and almost beat him in the Hand’s tournament. He claims I’m only doing well in this war because I am led by the great Admiral Robinson, but I did not need your services before. I think it is time to show King pexetera who the rightful king of the Savage Lands really is. Admiral?”

Sir Robinson: “Yes, Your Grace?”

King dBKC: “Put on those other four stars of yours. On the morrow, we march towards King’s Landing to win the throne.”

There is an excited murmur in the throne room. Knights look back and forth at each other and nod their heads in agreement.

King dBKC: “Lord jhsukow?”

Lord jhsukow: “Yes, Your Grace?”

King dBKC: “I have a special cake order for Sir Harden to make tonight.”

We zoom in on the slice of cake that King dBKC has mashed with his fork as our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES
12/26/2020 8:06 PM (edited)
pexetera
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Merry Christmas Ben, great bit about Harden going to a birthday party.
12/26/2020 7:48 PM
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Season 3 - Episode 5: The Kind and Knowledgeable King
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to Sir LeBron and Sir Anthony of Brow riding upon horseback through the streets.

Sir Anthony: “The realm is in chaos! King pexetera is barely holding on to the throne! Lord dBKC has declared himself the King of MotherF*cking Birthdays. Lord robusk has declared himself the King of Logic and Reason. Lord amerk has been named the Kind and Knowledgeable King by some of the less educated peasants in the South. And your own Lord, Gerry the Red, is calling himself the Red King. They are calling it the War of the Five Kings.”

Cut to Sir Bogut and Sir Kemp standing guard at a large gate in the shape of a Venn diagram as Sir Chris Paul and Sir Chris Webber approach.

Sir Bogut: “I’m sick and bloody tired of the people here in the Savage Lands not taking this pandemic seriously. Back in my home land, the White Walkers are all gone. We took a few simple precautions and they were eradicated just like that. But here, in the Savage Lands, knights won’t even wear helmets! There’s a whole army of bloody fools in the south who have gathered around this so-called King amerk and are protesting that their civil liberties are being taken away.

Cut to King dBKC sitting upon a throne of pots and pans. “Lords from all over the realm are joining the ‘Kool Kids’ as we have been dubbed. Lord amerk also applied, but he is demanding that we add ‘Klub’ to our name. He was denied.”

Cut to a tavern where Sir Drummond the Broad, Sir Penny the Frail, Sir Paul the Truthful, Sir Clyde the Fabulous, and Sir Kyrie the Fake Intellectual are sitting. Sir Paul is sitting in a wheelchair and telling the others a tale.

Sir Paul: “It all started during the knight selection process. There were some delays since Lord albiband, the Spaghetti Knight, had to send his selections via carrier pigeon from Essos.”

Sir Clyde: “Carrier pigeon? Don’t they use ravens over there?”

Sir Paul: “The lords of the realm all had to wait. Hours they waited, sometimes days. Finally the pigeons would arrive, **** on all the buildings, and deliver their picks to the Lord Hand. A couple lords got frustrated by this, but none more so than Lord amerk. He went on a tirade, suggesting kicking the Spaghetti Lord out of the tournament, and when others disagreed, he got particularly nasty. He went on this long rant about how the Spaghetti Lord was wasting his time, how he had better things to do such as watch the maidens play golf.”

Sir Kyrie: “What’s golf?”

Sir Paul: “I don’t know, but Lord amerk spends a lot of time watching. Unless the foreign maidens are playing. It was quite the spectacle. Lords at each other's throats. But then, it happened.”

Sir Clyde: “What happened?!”

Sir Paul: “It was the Spaghetti Lord’s turn and after waiting all night, a carrier pigeon flew into the Red Keep. It flew straight for the Lord Hand, Lord dh555, but on its way there it took a **** right on Lord amerk’s head.”

Sir Clyde: “OH NO!”

Sir Paul: “Lord amerk drew an arrow and shot at the bird, but it missed badly. Lord dh555 read the name Sir Dana Barros aloud and the lords looked quizzically at each other. Only bds9992 thought it was a good pick. Lord amerk cried out for vengeance. He sent a raven that night to Essos, challenging the Spaghetti Lord to a duel.”

Sir Clyde: “And? Who won the duel?”

Sir Paul: “Lord amerk is still waiting in the practice courtyard. He has said he will not leave until he has been avenged. There has been no response from Essos as of yet.”

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 5: The Kind and Knowledgeable King

Scene opens to the throne room of King’s Landing. All along the walls we see cages and within them, the lords of the realm. We focus on a few of them. In one cage, we see King dBKC casually eating a motherf*cking birthday cake. In one cage, all we see is a giant ball of spaghetti. In the next one over, Lord Brad of the Longest and Tallest House is asleep on the floor. King pexetera is clutching at the bars in the next cage, and in the cage at the end of the hall, King robusk and Lord ashamael are shouting at something off screen. We follow their gaze up the steps and we see the Iron Throne, magnificent in all its glory. Sitting upon it, is King amerk, the Kind and Knowledgeable King, but it is not the King amerk we have seen before. This one has chiseled muscles and looks regal in his flowing robes. Gold light radiates from his body. Underneath an oversized gold crown, he is no longer balding, but instead has flowing blonde locks that are billowing in the breeze. Surrounding him on all sides are scantily clad white women in red hats who are all holding golf clubs. In the center of the room, the common folk of the realm are all bowing and chanting his name. We zoom in on King amerk’s smug smile as he lifts a hand to quiet the crowd. Suddenly, the door to the throne room is thrust open by a shrill breeze. Frost starts to creep up the walls of the room. The peasants in front of King amerk suddenly rise and walk forth in slow monotonous steps with their arms raised. Their eyes have turned an icy blue. King amerk shrieks and scrambles away to the back of the room. He turns his head and sees his sword lying on the ground by his feet. He reaches for it, but as he grabs the handle, a flagon of water materializes on top of the sword. He grabs at the flagon, but cannot lift it. He grunts in frustration, then turns away. The door from the cage with the giant ball of spaghetti is flung off its hinges and giant tendrils of noodle spring forth out of the cage and towards King amerk. The other cage doors burst open as well and the lords of the realm, along with the undead peasants, all converge upon King amerk. One of the scantily clad females in the red hats swings her golf club and King amerk ducks, barely escaping. The wind off the club sweeps by his face and his hair piece flies away. He tries desperately to reach out for it, but his hands are too tiny and it escapes him. The other lords are laughing at him now. King amerk backs away from the crowd, an anguished expression on his face. The spaghetti noodles inch closer and closer and suddenly they are snakes, hissing in the face of King amerk. King amerk is staring intensely at the snake closest to him and we see his eyes lose focus. The tongue of the snake slithers closely to his ear and it starts to speak.

“Falssse king, your end is nigh.
None left to con, none left to fight.
The dead walk, blood ssstains the sssky.”

King amerk’s trembling lips shout at the snake.

“N...n….nothing you say is real.”

The snake inches closer and it’s tongue tickles the inside of King amerk’s ear.

“For on thisss very night,
You ssshall sssurely die,
From deathsss own cold bite.”

The other snakes turn back into noodles and start to strangle King amerk. He manages to choke out a few syllables. “Fake…ugh... ugh… news.” His face is turning purple as his hands claw against the noodles around his neck.

King amerk lets out a yelp and wakes panting in a cold sweat. We take in the scene and see that he is lying on a bed in the middle of a large stagecoach. We hear the plodding of horses hooves from outside the coach. The sound stops and after a few seconds, the curtains to the coach are thrown open. Standing there is a massive afro and underneath we see the face of Dr. J. King amerk scrambles to grab the hair piece beside his bed.

Dr. J: “Your Grace, are you alright?”

King amerk: “Yes, of course. I’m fine. Just another dream.”

Dr. J: “Your Grace, I worry about you. You’re not in the best health to begin with, and these dreams you keep having seem to have really taken their toll.”

King amerk: “What do you mean? I’m in great shape.”

Dr. J looks at him funny, but doesn’t say anything.

King amerk: “Are we almost there yet?”

Dr. J: “No, Your Grace. We haven’t been able to see anything in this snow storm, and I’m afraid we aren’t sure we are even on the King’s Road anymore.”

King amerk: “It’s still snowing?”

Dr. J: “Yes, Your Grace. Every day and night for over a month now.”

King amerk: “Well, I guess that proves those global warming idiots wrong.”

Dr. J opens his mouth, but thinks better of it and closes it before opening it again.

Dr. J: “Your Grace, we still have to figure out what to do once we reach King’s Landing. I know we won most of our early battles, but as of late we have not been faring well. I’m afraid we may not be able to overthrow King pexetera once we arrive.”

King amerk: “Nonsense! We won all those battles.”

Dr. J: “... Your Grace, I know you declared victory before they were over, but we still ended up losing.”

King amerk: “Fake news! We have been winning every battle. So much winning!”

Dr. J: “If you say so Your Grace. But the morale among the troops is low. They aren’t sure we will ever make it to King’s Landing.”

King amerk: “They’ll believe whatever I say. Let me go talk with them.”

He pushes the curtains open and steps outside of the coach and onto a short gradually declining ramp, followed closely by Dr. J. Immediately, his hair piece is blown back by a sharp wind, almost leaving his head completely. King amerk starts the descent down the ramp, but struggles for some prolonged seconds before reaching ground. He makes his way over to the back of the stagecoach where we can just barely see about ten to twelve peasants who have been forced to follow on foot. Through the blizzard their forms are outlined by the glow of the blazing red comet overhead. Most of their clothes are in tatters, but each wears a red half helm on top of their heads. Each helm is engraved with white letters spelling ‘MAGA’. As King amerk walks over to them, some of what they say can be heard over the shrill wind.

“Look! It’s King amerk!”

King amerk trips over his boots, but remains upright.

“He’s so graceful!”

King amerk’s hair piece flies off in the breeze.

“He’s so handsome!”

King amerk reaches for his flagon of water, but cannot lift it to his lips.

“He’s so strong”

King amerk starts to move in a way that someone somewhere might describe as dancing. His crowd cheers deliriously. He puts a hand up and the noises gradually simmer down.

King amerk: “What a yuge turnout! I always get the best numbers. Must be a thousand of you here today! Now I’ve heard that a few of you have doubts as to whether we will win this war. Fake. News. We should be at King’s Landing any day now and when we get there, we will crush that so called “King” pexetera.”

One of the common folk speaks up. “Oh Kind and Knowledgeable King, what of this pandemic we hear about that is ravaging the land?”

King amerk: “It's not real. Have you ever seen a White Walker?”

Spectator: No, but…”

King amerk: “There you have it. Besides if they do end up being real, well they are called the ‘White’ Walkers. Maybe they can join us.”

He points up at the sky.

King amerk: “The day I declared myself the King of the Savage Lands, the Sim Gods decided to honor me. That comet proves to all in the realm that I am the one true King! The SIM gods have spoken!”

There is a roar of applause. When it dies down, the same spectator from before raises his voice. “Which of the SIM gods is your favorite, Your Grace?”

King amerk: “... ahh probably… ahh… I’d have to say both of them. Equal.”

Dr. J whispers into his ear: “There are seven SIM gods, Your Grace.”

King amerk: “All seven of them. I like them all equally. But I don’t want to get into it. It’s very personal for me. Now, some people are saying we will reach King’s Landing tomorrow. That’s what they’re saying. Believe me. I will defeat King pexetera. He’s a very not good battle guy. Then I will take the Iron Throne and be King of all the Savage Lands! Make Amerk Great again!”

The crowd starts chanting. “Make Amerk Great Again! Make Amerk Great Again! Make Amerk Great Again!”

From somewhere off screen we hear someone ask, “Wait, was he ever great? Has he ever even been okay?”

Suddenly we hear a piercing scream from the back of the small crowd. A few spectators in the front turn around confused.

King amerk: “What was that?”

The camera cuts to the back of the crowd where one spectator screams and suddenly disappears into the blizzard. Another scream is heard and a bloody gash appears on a different peasant. More screams. More blood. The remaining spectators scramble away screaming and looking backwards. Out of the swirling snow steps the outline of a figure. As it comes closer into view we see that it is Sir Rollins, the Tree knight. His flesh is pale as milk and his eyes are as cold as ice. Blood is trickling down from his mouth. He stumbles forwards, one leg dangling by a thread, towards King amerk.

Dr. J grabs at King amerk and tries to drag him away, but King amerk doesn’t budge. He lifts one hand towards Sir Rollins and points.

King amerk: “But… but… the pandemic isn’t real!”

Sir Rollins opens his mouth and chomps down hard on King amerk’s hand. King amerk drops to the ground, screaming shrilly. Dr. J steps forth and with one graceful swoop of his sword, Sir Rollins’ head is seen rolling past the king. Dr. J grabs King amerk’s good hand and starts to drag him away. We can still hear screams in the distance.

Dr. J: “Hurry, Your Grace. Through these trees, it’s our only chance.”

Dr. J and King amerk scramble through the woods, lost in the blizzard. King amerk is holding his bitten hand and we can see that it has turned blue.

King amerk: “It bit me! Dr. I need treatment!”

Dr. J: “As soon as I get you out of here I promise I’ll get you the best help I can, but right now we have to move.”

King amerk: “Make sure whatever treatment you get me is better than the stuff I let you give my followers!”

The two stumble into a clearing. Through the blizzard we see a row of tents lined up in an alternating green, white, and red pattern. Each one has a flag flying high above it with the sigil of a plate of spaghetti.

Dr. J: “The Spaghetti Lord! We are saved!”

King amerk: “No! Anyone but him! He never drafts on time.”

Dr. J: “I’m going to go get help. Stay here.”

Dr. J lopes off to the largest of the tents and enters. King amerk looks around with a panicky expression on his face. The snow is still whirling around and it is becoming harder and harder to make out the tents or the forest beyond. Off screen, we hear a loud thud.

King amerk is kneeling on the ground now and holding his hand. The bite wound has taken over almost his entire arm by now and we can see the infection spread rapidly in a webbed pattern. “Dr. J?”

A silhouette emerges from the snow. As it steps closer we see the form of Lord albiband the Spaghetti knight. However, he looks much different than when we saw him last. His designer clothing is torn to shreds, and his skin is as pale as death. In one arm, he holds a great sword. In the other, the severed head of Dr. J, blood dripping from the neck. He approaches King amerk and slowly raises his sword.

We zoom in on King amerk’s terrified face. He locks eyes with Lord albiband and then looks down at the severed head of his former doctor and bodyguard. A look of disgust comes over him.

King amerk: “I knew I should have drafted a white doctor.”

Our screen goes black and we hear a loud “Thwack.” White block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.
1/2/2021 12:33 PM
robusk
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We need to print all these on, illustrate them, and bound them in a book.
1/2/2021 5:26 PM
benhoidal
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Should have waited a week for this latest episode. Would have had tons more material to work with.
1/6/2021 7:08 PM
tarheel1991
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King amerk: “I knew I should have drafted a white doctor.”

Dying. Now I have to explain to my wife why I'm laughing so hard, and it's gonna take a few hours to give her the proper context.
1/7/2021 8:44 AM
ashamael
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Dude. That was allegory at its finest. Holy ****.
1/7/2021 8:31 PM
benhoidal
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Probably won't finish the next episode today as was expected. Now that high school basketball has started, I'm swamped. I think I'll be able to finish it by tomorrow though and still plan on getting the final episode done next Saturday right after the last games of the season.
1/9/2021 11:04 AM
benhoidal
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Season 3 - Episode 6: The Red King
Upon a dark background, white block letters say ‘PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF ZONES’. The Os are filled in as though they are basketballs.

Scene opens to a blood red comet streaked across the morning sky. Below it, a single snowflake is drifting towards the ground. We follow its path as it winds downward. Below we see Sir LeBron James riding upon a white stallion through the streets of Braavos. Accompanying him is Sir Anthony of Brow, riding upon a chestnut brown horse. The snowflake finally rests upon the balding head of Sir LeBron.

Sir LeBron: “I would like to fight alongside you too Sir Anthony, but I must stay loyal to my Lord, Gerry the Red.”

Sir Anthony: “But Sir, haven’t you heard what he does to knights in that house of his? He scoops out their eyes! He cuts off their ears! I heard he even slits their throats sometimes!”

Sir LeBron: “Just a legend. My lord would never dare do any of that to me.”

Sir Anthony: “I don’t know, it appears he’s already stolen some of your hair.”

Sir LeBron and his horse abruptly come to a stop and Sir Anthony almost bumps into them. We see that they are in front of the marble steps leading up to the House of No Evil. There are two large ornate doors at the top of the steps. The left door is made of white weirwood. The right is ebony. In the center of the doors is a carved monkey face made of ebony on the weirwood side and weirwood on the ebony side. Instead of eyes, it has two empty sockets. The left socket is weirwood against the ebony monkey face, the right socket is ebony against the weirwood monkey face. Next to the doors on either side are two sculptures of monkeys. The one on the left is holding its hands over its ears. The one on the right is holding its hands over its mouth. The two doors open and three hooded figures step out and onto the top step. The one in front holds out an arm and a hand that isn’t quite human protrudes from the extended sleeve. A long finger stretches out and points first at Sir LeBron, and then back at the doors. Sir LeBron gives Sir Anthony one last look before climbing the steps and entering the large building. The three hooded figures enter behind him and as the last one reaches back to close the doors, we see the tip of a tail protrude from under the robes.

The screen darkens to black and we see a disclaimer in white letters appear: ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS CARTOON, EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, ARE FICTIONAL AND ALL VOICES ARE OBVIOUSLY IMPERSONATED. The letters disappear and new letters take its place: GAME OF ZONES. The Os are basketballs. These letters too disappear and a cartoon knight is seen dribbling a basketball between his legs next to new letters: SEASON 2 - EPISODE 6: The Red King

Scene opens to a whirlwind of snow and ice high in the sky. As our shot widens, we see the red glow from the comet take over our screen. It is lower in the sky then before and is threatening to dip below the horizon, but it is as bright as ever and shines clearly through the blizzard. As our camera follows its plight, we see an equally bright red blaze engulfing the woods below. Flames dance upwards and our entire shot is now full of burning trees. The morning air is dark with smoke, but as our screen clears a little we can see what is happening below the tree line.

An inferno of fire greets us, blazing atop a massive pyre. Flames rise through the whirling snow of the blizzard, twisting and curling through the sky. Atop the pyre, we see six great wooden statues depicting the Old Gods of the SIM. We see the scales of Probability, the box score of Randomness, the forum post of Chaos, the draft center of Disorder, the bust of Efficiency resembling Sir Tyson, and the portrait of Lord amerk for Self-Loathing. The old dry wood of the statues starts to blacken and come ablaze. Next to the statues we see an old worn basketball. From the orange glow emanating from the fire, we see one lone statue upon the nearby hill. It resembles an ancient scroll. The seventh Old God of the SIM has been left untouched. Steam rises from the fire, shimmering through the chill air. Behind the pyre, the knights gathered around seem blurred.

A red priest, robed all in scarlet satin and blood velvet with a great ruby glistening at his throat, starts to walk around the fire. He prays, first in the old speech of the SIM, then in a language unknown, and finally in the common tongue for all to hear.

Lord ashamael: “Usage, one true god, most important of all statistics, come to us in our darkness. I offer you these false gods, these six pretenders who try to cast you in shadow. Take them and cast your light upon us, for the SIM is dark and full of terrors.”

Behind him, we see two flags blowing fiercely in the storm. One has a purple horse striding upon a blue field surrounded by a fiery circle. Underneath this banner we see Lord ashamael’s knights echoing the words of their lord out loud. The second banner has a sigil upon its center bearing a monkey without eyes or ears and with a slash across its throat. The monkey is also engulfed in a burning circle of fire. Underneath the banner, a number of knights of House Gerry the Red are gathered.

Lord ashamael: “The ancient scrolls talk of a day when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning basketball and he who dribbles it shall be the chosen Warrior of Light, and the darkness shall flee before him.”

Lord ashamael walks over from the fire and we see King Gerry the Red. His hair matches the color from the flames. Next to him, standing erect and armored to the teeth, we see a fearsome knight. The camera slowly moves up to his face and we see that where his eyes used to be, instead there are empty pits. He has no ears, and there is a bloody scar across his throat. Despite the deformities, it is clear who stands next to the King. The unmistakable beard and balding forehead betray that it is Sir LeBron. Behind him, three monkeys crouch low, all holding the back of King Gerry’s cloak from touching the ground. King Gerry the Red leans forward and whispers to Lord ashamael.

King Gerry the Red: “Are you sure that’s in the Usage scrolls? I don’t remember reading anything about burning basketballs.”

Lord ashamael: “Of course I’m sure, I wrote them after all.”

King Gerry the Red: “Well okay. I guess. But do I really have to reach my hand into the fire?”

Lord ashamael: “This is the only way. It will help us defeat the White Walkers. I only need one more victory over them and I’ll get 20 extra points.”

King Gerry the Red: “What?”

Lord ashamael: “I mean, once we defeat the White Walkers nothing will stand in your way of the throne.”

King Gerry the Red: “What about the other lords who have declared themselves to be King?”

Lord ashamael: “Look, this is what we are doing. Just listen to me alright?”

King Gerry the Red: “Okay, I guess you would know best.”

Lord ashamael turns back to the crowd of knights. “Warrior of Light, come forth and seize your destiny!”

King Gerry the Red strides forward uneasily. He approaches the flames, but flinches back as the fire reaches out for him. He looks back towards Lord ashamael who nods. King Gerry the Red turns back to the flames and quickly thrusts his hands into the fire. He wrenches the basketball engulfed in flames free of the burning wood with a single jerk, then retreats, ball held high, flames swirling around his hands.

Lord ashamael: “Behold! The ball of fire! All hail the Warrior of Light! All hail the Son of Fire! All hail King Gerry the Red!”

A wave of euphoric shouts from the knights in attendance give answer. Then, we hear a yelp from King Gerry the Red as his sleeves catch fire.

The three monkeys rush forward. One takes the ball and flings it in the snow. Another grasps the hands of King Gerry the Red as the third pushes him downwards into the snow. A second later the fire surrounding his hands is extinguished and King Gerry the Red is left gasping on the ground.

We zoom in on Sir Russell and Sir Worthy of House Gerry the Red, who are looking back and forth from the other knights with unease.

Sir Russell: “This isn’t right. I’ve prayed to the SIM gods before every single battle for as long as I can remember.”

Sir Worthy: “At least we still have Usage.”

Sir Russell: “What good has that one ever done me? This red priest is bad news. I don’t know why King Gerry ever agreed to join with Lord ashamael.”

Sir Worthy: “The pressure must have gotten to him. Sir LeBron may be the best fighter in the realm, but he certainly puts a target on your back. Our Lord Gerry was named King by a few of the lesser lords before the war even started.”

Sir Russell: “That’s true. King Gerry is great. He has one of the best armies in the whole kingdom. But maybe he should have waited to declare himself King.”

Sir Worthy: “We should have joined up with Lord jkaye24 instead. He might have the second best army in the realm right now, next to that cake eater.”

Sir Russell: “How were we supposed to know he’d be doing so well though? He was only just appointed to be a new lord of the Savage Lands before the war started. There was no way to know he would start winning all of his battles. And he didn’t even draft usage until the third round! Now that’s a lord I’d love to fight for.”

Sir Worthy: “Be careful. Remember where you are.”

The camera pans around the scene. King Gerry the Red is being helped off the ground by his monkeys. Lord ashamael has worked the crowd of knights into a frenzy and they all stand at attention.

Lord ashamael: “Sir LeBron, greatest of knights, step forth!”

Sir LeBron approaches with a grace he never had before, as if he is floating.

Lord ashamael: “Sir LeBron, you have proven yourself through the red trials to be worthy. You shall lead my… er, King Gerry’s army as we March south to attack bds… er, the white walkers and claim my… er, the throne.”

From a group of knights gathered together we see a slender knight approach hesitantly.

Sir Curry: “My Lord ashamael, what about me? I thought I was your greatest knight?”

Lord ashamael: “You had your chance. Not a single division lead for any of my five armies? Are you kidding me?”

Sir Curry: “My Lord, if you could just let me lead one of your armies, I won’t let you down.”

Lord ashamael: “With Sir LeBron leading my armies now, I don’t have much need for your skills in battle anymore.”

King Gerry the Red: “You mean leading my armies, right?”

Lord ashamael: “Er… yes, of course. Sir Curry, go forth and scout our playoff opponents. Rendezvous with us near King’s Landing and report back to me.”

Sir Curry looks like he is going to say something, but thinks better of it and walks solemnly away towards his horse. Lord ashamael turns back to Sir LeBron.

Lord ashamael: “Sir LeBron, you shall lead the main host and be in command of all soldiers from House Gerry the Red and House ashamael. Do you accept?”

Sir LeBron nods once, then turns sharply and begins gliding away from the blazing inferno. The other knights fall in line and start marching away. King Gerry the Red opens his mouth to shout to his army, but thinks better of it and falls in line behind them. We zoom in on Lord ashamael’s broad smirk.

Cut to Sir LeBron gliding through the forest. Snow and wind swirl all around him. He comes to a small clearing where we see a frozen stream. There are two paths near it, splitting in opposite directions. One path has trees uprooted all along it with some blocking the way. The other path is clear. Sir LeBron doesn’t hesitate, choosing the path with the fallen trees. Far behind him we see the armies of King Gerry the Red and Lord ashamael. Farther back we can see the red glow from the fiery pyre still burning through the trees and above that, the comet’s tail hovering just over the horizon, almost out of sight. The camera starts on Sir LeBron’s eyeless face before drifting back towards the troops. We focus once more on Sir Russell and Sir Worthy of House Gerry the Red.

Sir Worthy: “How can he see anything in this blizzard? I can barely see you right next to me and I’m wearing special goggles. I don’t even see him anymore.”

Sir Russell: “He got the ‘No Evil’ treatment. They take your ears, and somehow you can hear better than before. They take your voice, yet somehow you’re easier to understand. Then they take your eyes, and you can see better than you ever have.”

Sir Worthy: “Did they take out parts of his legs too? He’s not even touching the ground when he walks now.”

Sir Russell: “I think they just took his Cavs. They never really supported him well anyways.”

The swirling blizzard suddenly stops and air clears. The night sky is finally visible, and we see the very tip of the comet’s tail dip below the horizon. Up ahead, Sir LeBron stands motionless between the trees at what looks to be the entrance to another clearing. The armies slowly catch up with him and we see what is ahead. A number of bodies litter the ground. We see Sir Karl of the Town, Sir Chauncey, Sir Kirilenko and the rest of bds9992’s white walkers lying motionless, dead. The three eyed Bird is sprawled out to the side, back broken and lying in a pool of its own blood.

Sir Worthy: “What happened here?”

Sir Russell: “I guess they didn’t block enough attacks.”

Behind them, King Gerry the Red and Lord ashamael approach. Lord ashamael takes one look at the fallen White Walkers and sinks to his knees, hands clutching at his hair.

Lord ashamael: “NOOO! It can’t be! If bds9992 has been defeated, then he still holds the tie-breaker over me. I won’t be able to get all five armies in the playoffs and get my 20 bonus points!”

King Gerry the Red: “What are you talking about?”

Lord ashamael: “You fool. I only joined you so that I could steal Sir LeBron. He was to lead my armies against King pexetera and the other false Kings and I would claim what should have been mine long ago.”

King Gerry the Red: “But… but… you said I was the Warrior of Light? The Son of Fire?”

Lord ashamael sneers. “You are nothing. Nothing! Just because your hair is red does not make you the Son of Fire!”

King Gerry the Red: “But… but… I trusted you!”

Lord ashamael sneers once more, but just as he is about to speak a horse rides into the clearing from the other side with a lone rider. It is Sir Curry of House ashamael and his expression looks grim. He dismounts and hurries over to his Lord.

Sir Curry: “My Lord, I’m afraid I have dire news.”

Lord ashamael: “What is it?”

Sir Curry: “Three of your armies have all been defeated in the playoffs.”

Lord ashamael: “What?! Impossible! How did this happen?”

Sir Curry: “Well, your first army was defeated by Lord jkaye24 in Jersey City.”

Lord ashamael: “But this is his first time in command of a Savage Land army! How did you let him defeat you?”

Sir Curry: “Your second army, as you know, lost a tie-breaker to the White Walkers.”

Lord ashamael: “Yes, yes. What about my third army? They were my best one. Expertly crafted, put together by a mastermind. They were going to lead my assault on the throne!”

Sir Curry: “Ambushed in the Magnolia Forest. We were set upon by the Hand of the King, Lord dh555 and his general, Sir Karl, the Sitemail Man.”

Lord ashamael: “But Sir Karl never wins the big fights?”

Sir Curry: “Well, this was only the first round.”

Lord ashamael: “What about my fourth army, the Thieves?”

Sir Curry: “Well, after a night of thieving, they decided to continue their debauchery and head to the nearest brothel. Lord 24kpyrite was there waiting. We never had a chance. He just knew that place inside and out.”

Lord ashamael is staring at Sir Curry, stunned. It takes him a moment to regain his composure. He turns around and sizes up the remaining men nearest to him. “Well, at least I still have my fifth army. And I control all of King Gerry the Red’s forces as well. It’s not ideal, but I think I can still win this. Who does my fifth army fight? … Sir Curry? … Sir Curry?”

Lord ashamael turns around and we see a shocked expression on Sir Curry’s face. The camera lowers and we see a pool of blood spreading from his midsection surrounding the tip of a great longsword. Sir Curry falls over and we see who is responsible.

King Gerry the Red: “You lied to me. I would have made you my Hand of the King. I trusted you.”

King Gerry the Red pulls out the sword from Sir Curry’s back and points it at Lord ashamael. “Now your armies are all defeated. Leave now, or I will end you too.”

Lord ashamael looks at Sir Curry’s body, then back to King Gerry the Red with a look of fury on his face. “You dare attack me? I am the only reason any of the lords in this realm even know how to fight. Every battle you have ever won is because of me. Without me, you wouldn’t even know about the Usage god. You owe me your allegiance, and this is how you repay me?” He looks over to Sir LeBron. “Sir LeBron, finish him.”

Lord Gerry the Red looks over to his finest knight with a look of panic on his face. Sir LeBron’s eyeless face turns towards his King, then back towards Lord ashamael. He raises his sword and starts to glide in the red priest’s direction.

Lord ashamael: “What are you doing? You are my knight now. I performed the ritual binding you to my service.”

Sir LeBron swings his sword and Lord ashamael throws himself backwards, barely avoiding the tip. He falls to the ground with a thud. He looks over at King Gerry the Red with a sneer. Then, his hands erupt into flames and he thrusts them towards the King and his men. Sir LeBron steps in front of them and the flames die out as they make contact with him. Where Lord ashamael was a second before, there is only a scorched circle in the ground.

King Gerry the Red: “Is he gone? Where did he go?”

Sir LeBron turns his head towards his King, then beckons him forward with a finger. He begins to glide across the clearing once more. King Gerry the Red looks at the rest of his knights, shrugs, then follows Sir LeBron with the rest of his army not far behind. Sir LeBron leads them to the edge of trees. We see light pouring in from the tops of the canopies and the next second they are out of the forest at last. They have reached King’s Landing.

We see the great castle of the Red Keep rising high in the sky, surrounded by walls. King pexetera’s knights are visible at the top of the walls, preparing for battle. Below them, in every direction, we see that a number of armies have gathered for a final battle. King robusk is seen riding one of his beefy solvers and surrounded by his knights. King dBKC and Lord jhsukow are fully decked in battle armor. Behind them, we see a massive motherf*cking birthday cake being pushed by cart by their respective knights. Lord jkaye24 has gathered his knights as well and is seen giving them a rousing speech.

Our camera pans slowly over the armies. We see other Lords as well who are still in the fight. We pan over Lord Midge, Lord jcred, 5th of his name, Lord tarheel, Lord dh555, and Lord 24kpyrite. As they prepare for the final battle of the Savage Lands to decide control of the kingdom, we hear war drums pounding. Our screen goes black and white block letters take over the screen: GAME OF ZONES.
1/10/2021 10:11 PM
ashamael
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Oh Bravo! ******* awesome, Ben!! So many little easter eggs throughout that brought a smile to my face & made me laugh out loud! This one, though... this line right here:

Sir Russell: “I think they just took his Cavs. They never really supported him well anyways.”



That was absurdly awesome. I can't wait to read how it ends!
1/11/2021 3:01 AM
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