2/3/2012 10:05 AM
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States
. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street
and says,
 "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this
country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a
free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in
America .."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful
America!
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from
Middle East. I am
not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from
Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
2/3/2012 10:13 AM
The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Obama on it.

The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Obama, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and 1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
2/3/2012 11:16 AM
Posted by jibe on 2/3/2012 10:13:00 AM (view original):
The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Obama on it.

The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Obama, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and 1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
LMAO
2/3/2012 1:05 PM

The groundhog stuck his head out and said it is going to be an early spring.  He's a lot more accurate than the weathermen around here because at least he looks outside before he tells his prediction.

2/3/2012 2:09 PM

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage.

The panda pauses on his way out, produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual, and tosses it over his shoulder.

"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation:

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

2/3/2012 3:37 PM
Posted by muddapucka on 1/17/2012 4:39:00 PM (view original):
Q.  What's long and hard on Kentucky boys?
A.  The second grade.

I was once arrested for smuggling books into Kentucky.  I got off on a technicality.  No one could prove they were books.

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?  Anywhere else, it would've been called a teethbrush.

Q.  What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead Kentucky fan in the road?
A.  There are skid marks before the snake.
As a Kentuckian, I find these jokes insulting, repugnant and..................funny as hell!  Keep up the Good work! 
2/4/2012 12:23 AM
A man named Gary dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter hands him a clock with his name on it. 

"What's this?" Gary asks, turning the clock over in his hand.

"That's your lie clock. Every time you told a lie, the clock ticked once. We have a whole wall of every mortal clock in the back."

So Saint Pete led Gary back to the wall, where Gary was amazed to see all the names on the wall. "Wow, look!" he exclaimed, "Harrison Ford just lied! And there is Betty White's, I bet that ticks pretty often!"

THen he noticed something: one clock was missing. He asked Peter, "Where is President Obama's clock?"

Peter replied, "Oh, that? God keeps it in his office. He uses it as a fan."
2/5/2012 8:44 AM (edited)

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10; Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9; Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8; Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7; Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6; Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

 
 Number 5; Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
 
 Number 4; All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
 
 Number 3; Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
 
 Number 2; In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
 And The Number 1 Thought; Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.
 
 

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

2/5/2012 9:17 AM
 All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.     
 
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.   Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.     
 
  
 Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will
 be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. 
 It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. 
 Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned  'stiff drink'.   
 Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.     
 
  
 Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
 than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.     
2/5/2012 9:28 AM
My dad worked for Pfizer for 20 years lol

Loved it quiet man, sent it to him.
2/5/2012 9:52 AM
Posted by caesari on 2/5/2012 9:28:00 AM (view original):
My dad worked for Pfizer for 20 years lol

Loved it quiet man, sent it to him.
Let me know if he liked it.

The Chili joke went to Product and Development at a major food distribitor. They liked it and funny'er still was rumored how closed it was to real sometimes.

If we can't laugh at ourselves we shouldn't laugh at others. 
3/29/2012 8:12 PM
Forgot to reply: yes, he loved it!

Anyways, I'm bumping this.

I saw LeBron the other day. I had a dollar, but the vending machine only accepted change. So, I approached him and asked him for change. He handed me 75 cents, and I looked at him, bewildered. "You shorted me 25 cents." "sorry," he replied," I don't have a fourth quarter."
3/29/2012 8:50 PM
Posted by caesari on 3/29/2012 8:12:00 PM (view original):
Forgot to reply: yes, he loved it!

Anyways, I'm bumping this.

I saw LeBron the other day. I had a dollar, but the vending machine only accepted change. So, I approached him and asked him for change. He handed me 75 cents, and I looked at him, bewildered. "You shorted me 25 cents." "sorry," he replied," I don't have a fourth quarter."
             Groan.................                   
1/8/2013 8:44 PM
Been awhile since I'd thought about this thread.... so...

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road! 
1/8/2013 11:16 PM
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to her female victim?

A: I'll see you next month.


My girlfriend loves this one...she is a lesbian.
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